Float

This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.

There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?

I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.

Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.

We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.

Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.

Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.

If all days glowed so bright...

I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.

I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.

I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.

I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.

"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...

I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.

Oh in dreams , colored roses..."

Itch the Bitch

Life is good.

Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.

He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.

I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.

Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.

It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.

Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.

On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!

Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.

Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)

Lost Cause

Today has been by far the strangest day in many moons. I woke up at 6:20 for my client at 6:30... not nearly enough time to think. I was only 5 minutes late, and seeing as it was my big shot lawyer, I felt pretty bad. Shit happens.

So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.

So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.

Some good news... hmmm...

I'll think about it.

Until then, some pictures to entertain.

Wandering Mind

Because life is hard.

Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.

When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?

Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?

How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?

What if we just aim to feel?

There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.

Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?

The Beauty of Breath

Breathe... not because it's cool, not because someone told you it would make things easier, but because it brings life. It makes the organs glow with positive white light. It brings sanity and sanctity and everything impossible becomes suddenly obtainable. Because it will change your past, your present, your future, your SELF... breathe.

Dipshit

So I'm pretty much a dipshit. I noticed this morning at Rite Aid that I'd lost my credit/debit card. I remembered seeing it at the Cakery (quite impossible actually) and couldn't find it since. After frantically calling around, I finally tried to login to B of A online. It wouldn't log me on! So I am creating a conspiracy theory in my head. Somebody has stolen my card, closed the account and fled the country!!!

So, I call the bank... and sure enough, like a dipshit, I left the damn thing in the ATM on Monday :0) I never cease to amaze myself.

In other entertaining news, I cut Ray a mullet today... and for those of you who don't remember Billy Ray Cyrus, here is what the mullet looks like:

or check out http://www.mulletmadness.com/.

Life is funny.

Fire

Yoga tonight was excellent. All day I thought about how much I had to do, and hoped that I'd be able to scurry over to Tridosha. I made it happen... I had to.

Even though now, at 8:30pm, I have 4 programs to write and 3 baskets of laundry to fold (why on earth does someone need so many clothes?) I made it.

I've been thinking quite hard about how to incorporate vacation as more of my daily routine. Vacationing just felt so good to my soul, there must be a way to do it more often... and maybe even get paid for it.

Pinecrest pictures turned out great, except for the fact that I'm a dipshit and deleted half the pictures... hopefully Ben and Larry can perform some kind of witch magic and make them reappear.

The days are dragging, and I'm longing for hammock naps and long love affairs with my book. I guess that's what dreams are for. Tonight in yoga, Alyson the instructor made the analogy of finding where the muscle burns and sitting in the fire. I guess maybe that's what I'll use to get me through life. Sit in the fire, for the future may be fruitful.

Wishing for Simplicity

Writing hasn't been a priority and I think this is why I'm getting grumpy. It's Friday, the Friday of my first week back to work. Hanging out in the wilderness was so cleansing, so rejuvenating, so good for my soul...

I try to incorporate all of these things in my everyday life each year after Pinecrest. Unfortunately, I was greeted by flashing lights, annoying music, gym rats, and tons of work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I've actually been making enough money to live off of! But, I miss the serenity of Pinecrest. I miss being able to sleep when I needed sleep, exercise when need be, and jump in a lake when the world is too hot or too overwhelming.

So, here I sit, in my house, sun setting... I have a good life. But, today, I let stress overcome me. I woke up frantic and late, made it to work for my 6am appointment, and back in bed by 7:15. I've created this idiotic cycle. I wake up after not getting enough sleep, so I nap mid morning. Well then when evening comes, I'm not tired because I've napped, therefore the cycle continues.

Chris brought home a puppy today; he's puppy-sitting... which is ok, but adding to my stress and anxiety. I just need to breathe. Inhale... exhale... but even that seems to complex for a night like tonight.

The good news is that I've committed to yoga again, and that feels great.

Family Fun Time!!!

Now is the day to pack. It's 10:19, I'm sitting in my robe... waiting to find my energy to get up and go.

Here may be a peak at what's to expect from the family :O)

(Tahoe, Sweden, and some reoccurring nightmare...)

Almost There!

3 days until Pinecrest!!! All year we anticipate, we plan, we prepare mentally and physically, we dream... and finally, it's almost time.

My clients this morning cancelled, which coincidentally gave me enough time to do laundry, workout and prepare myself for the next two weeks. I can't wait. I'm pretty much jittery with excitement.

Ray came home, not sure if I wrote about that yet. I can't believe how much I missed him... a month is a long time to not have your best bud around. So now two out of three are back in the country. Chris, back from Costa Rica, Ray is back from Mexico, but Betsy is still in Bermuda.

So today I am watering plants, listening to Etta James... just kind of floating around the house. Luckily this place stays pretty cool during the day.

Sandy and Dave move this weekend to the Bay Area, which is going to be weird. Sandy has been in my life since the days of Dan and Dave, Cyrus and Rufus. We've grown so much together and helped support eachother through many tough times. At least they'll be close to my family up there.

So, nothing really intelligent to write today... my mind is on vacation mode. Here's a picture of me and Tay when we travel :)

A Few Shots

What I've been shooting lately:

Soon Soon

I read 72 tonight, for the first time in a long time. D is in love. His words flow eloquently, as if he were writing the novel of his life.

I knew I could never be this woman to him, nor he that man to me, but it's still creepy. Most of me is just glad he gets to experience all that he is. Maybe all he needed was to break free of San Luis and its memories, restrictions, and one night stands turned sour.

I feel like for the past few years I've been looking at him knowing very well that this is who he could be, but it was too complicated... and we were just too good as friends.

All I know is that he's happy, and therefore so am I. I don't know that I need to meet her yet, and of this I think he's aware. Thank you for that D.

One Week

I willed something to happen the other day. I didn't even realize that I'd done it until I remembered a few days later.

It was a Sunday, I had the day off. I was cleaning, doing laundry, watering plants and such... when I stopped to think about a person who I didn't feel like I was done with. I put my intention into that relationship... I made a conscious effort to make my presence known in his world. I spent time nurturing the things that reminded me of him.

Two days later, he calls. I hadn't talked to him in quite some time.

I know how connected the universe is, and if we only stop briefly to recognize it, we can learn and gain so much.

Anyway...

I finally have internet at home!!! This means all ya'll that are waiting on pictures from me are more likely to receive now. This also means I can blog more and write more newsletters (no, I haven't given that up).

I haven't decided which email to use anymore. My new gmail is too long, but I'm liking gmail... but with my new internet connection, I have sbc email again too.

Maybe I will start a new gmail with a shorter name, but then there are 3 to remember, or perhaps just forward them on... I'm thinking too hard about it.

I got nothing done this weekend. From Friday night to tonight (Sunday) I didn't get a free waking moment. Well, I guess I will have to find rest on a daily basis somewhere.

Pinecrest countdown: 1 week.

Time for sleep.

Adaptation

July 1, 2006

I knew that these past few weeks would teach me a lot about life…but I have learned and experienced more than I’d hoped and imagined.

Living without my possessions has been a gift. I have learned that what I actually need in life is very little; I only need a roof over my head, food, and a place to sleep. Now, my experience was far from bare essentials, but still I’ve learned a lot.

Not knowing where things are is huge… and learning that we don’t need our things, much less any things to survive life, nor to be happy in life. Now my reality is much more privileged than that of most, but it was still a fantastic exercise in abundance. I have beautiful things, but what does it matter if one has beautiful things, if we can’t go out and enjoy life?

My studio in Los Osos was perfect. I spent literally months making it a beautiful specimen inside and out, from the smallest to the largest detail… but what I’ve realized is that it becomes almost too much effort to maintain it’s existence. I would go home because I needed to clean, I wouldn’t go into town because I felt I didn’t have a handle on the cleanliness of the place, but what I needed to realize was that life was passing me by while I was obsessing about my home. Yes—a home is a sacred place… but all it really needs to be is a place to sleep and invite friends to enjoy too.

I’ve got a very new outlook on my new house with Chris… simplicity. We have amazing things, which means we should need very little. I didn’t even try to manipulate what he bought for our bathroom at Bed Bath and Beyond today… because really, I don’t care. I have all that I need to survive. My bed, some clothes, and Tay.

Ray is gone for a month. It’s been 2 days. I miss him already, but this is good for me. He’ll get fantastic surf with his two girls for a month, and I’ll fall into work and my body for a while.

I’ve discovered the key to losing weight. Eat light, feel light, be light. That’s that. If the body feels like it needs something heavy, ask it, why? To create a shield? To keep people out? To avoid love?

I’m sleeping tonight at Ray’s because the house today wasn’t ready for us to move into. With a single comforter, Tay on the floor, Guy on the Couch on the couch, and Vic and Ray gone, I will sleep peacefully.

This experience has taught me to be adaptable to my situation in life.

Bubble Town

Once again, it's been too long... I miss writing. There are a few posts which I wrote at home on my internet-less computer, which I will post at a later time. I started writing another newsletter as well.

My fascination lately has been with gym-goers. It is so amazing to me how many different kinds of people go to gyms, and even more amazing what routines they maintain. I will share some inspirational stories and characters at another time.

I've been talking about writing a book for a while, and I think this may be the time in my life to at least start it... even if nobody but my mom buys it, what an accomplishment! It's just an amazing place to live with such an interesting dynamic among its inhabitants.

So Ray has been in Mexico since late last month. I've heard from him twice, but life is different without him in my daily routine. This break has been good for me to find some clarity in that situation in particular, but also other situations. Chris is in Costa Rica for 2 weeks, leaving just Tay and I in the new home. It's coming along pretty well, but still SO much work to do!!!

Work is going well, I love my clients... and they're rockin' it! I've been kicking my own butt as well, which absolutly feels great. Anyway, back to work, just thought I'd check in.

Oh--pretty pictures of this last full moon coming too.

Busy Bee

My day is nearing an end, it's 5:15PM. I woke up this morning at 4:45 for a 5:30 client who set her alarm wrong and slept in. The last few days I've been working long hours... I can feel it hormonally, I can feel it emotionally, I can feel it in my energy levels.

The past few weeks have been fun for me, living with Betsy that is. She's been fun to hang out with, and her space is exceptionally comfortable and safe for me. It's been interesting living without most of my posessions... I have to say I've quite enjoyed it, even though I miss my beautiful things.

What else is going on... Tay got groomed today, Ray leaves in two days for Mexico, mom is coming down for some R&R, and Christa and Ben are coming to save my day by helping me move this weekend.

My dad is finally leaving Florida, after 5 weeks of caring for grandma and grandpa. I remember a much different version of them than I think they've become over the last few years. I think it's almost better to not have the visual in my head, but rather to remember the good times we shared when I was younger.

It seems I don't have time for much of anything but work anymore, but I feel like I'm in a good place here... my client base is growing, my clients love the results I'm helping them to achieve, and I'm having fun doing it. I only wish I had a little more time for myself in the grand scheme of things... but that will come in time I guess.

I'm almost done for the day... I can't wait to get to Betsy's and enjoy some fish tacos and wine. Her cooking has been incredible, and I think it's been fun for her to have someone so happy to eat and chill out. Tay's going to miss her lab Cooper too.

Transition, transition, transition... this year has been a good one thus far. The year of the dog... my year. I wonder what else I can create?

Update on Life

It's been a long time since I've written, at all. No journal, no blog, no newsletter. There has been a large shift in my life... in a few aspects.

Devin moved. I've known it was coming for quite some time, but it still didn't make it easier. He's not gone forever... I mean, he'll be in L.A. for the summer. Still, it's the absence of one of the most solid rocks in my life that leaves me unsettled.

On a lighter note, Larry turned 50! Mom put on a huge tropical extravaganza at the house with close to 70 people in attendance... it rocked. All the food was hand made organic vegan goodness, and BBQ chicken to compliment.

Work is going well, I'm still building my client base, finding that it's hard to fill my schedule completely and still have enough energy for each client. I won't do this job forever. I miss writing my newsletter, but have very little free time to spare.

A few random calls from The Musician threw me for a small loop, but all in all I'm feeling settled, grounded for once in a long while. I learned a lot about musicians, or showmen in general... bartenders can sometimes be thrown into this category, and cocktailing I can say I was too. They have 2 lives. The life of a performer and the normal human experience. When the performance side takes over the human side, there's trouble. The extra attention can be misleading and frustrating but also constructive and uplifting.

Anyway, I told The Musician that I can't listen to his work anymore... not because it's bad, it's all actually stellar, but because it wasn't the person I knew. I wanted to believe his words, but they were nothing but stories and fantasy... not the normal human experience. Not reality. I think that's why he ran... I was too real.

Ray and I have gotten much closer. He's been everything to me lately. My #1 supporter, my best SLO friend. I'm so grateful for him. We can make a great time out of any situation, and also cope with some hard times too. He leaves for Mexico in a few weeks with his two girl friends. The absence of him and Devin will leave me a little lost to say the least, but I think in both cases the trips will help them both to refocus and grow.

I wonder when I will fly away from SLO.

New Digs

It's now Sunday evening. There's a BBQ brewing over on Peach Street, but I'm hesitating to leave Pismo.

It has been a LONG weekend. I started moving Thursday and just finished my last load this morning. It is so hard to leave my Los Osos dwelling behind, but so very good for me to get rid of the bad energy that's taken over that house. I know that I'm responsible for much of that energy, or maybe things just became stale for me, nevertheless, I feel great being away from it. I'm setting new intentions for myself and my life here in SLO town.

I watch the same people night after night doing the same things... drinking, roaming, beaching, or working their asses off for little pay. Something about this town screams at the twenty-somethings to GET OUT! We train some of the best learn-by-doing people in the state, but then don't hesitate to kick them to the curb. I must say I even participate in this attitude... around this time of year, I'm stoked b/c the students leave for the summer. I always stayed (with the exception of one year) and it's been an epic time each summer.

So it's apparent to me that this blog has become more of a personal outlet for the past few months. My intentions for it were that of a wellness outlet, where people could look for health tips and training devices. For those of you who continue to read, thank you. I promise The Art of Balance will return soon, and wellness will be once again part of my written life.

Fly

I sit here, it's Thursday night. I decided today that tomorrow I leave Los Osos. It's become too toxic here for me. I bought coffee and a tasty treat to spike my energy level a few hours ago... I see now why Larry is so efficient :)

I realize that lately my writing, my attitude, my being, have all been stunted, confused, tainted by life. I am by no means a victim. I caused everything that is happening in my life. I created my life, I shaped it into what it's become. I need to get out of here. Betsy has been kind enough to lend me her spare bedroom for a few weeks until the new house is ready. I just need to get out.

Kristen is in town, hanging out with Ray at Frog and Peach. It's been almost a year since she left and since we've spoken. It's been one of the things I have grieved most in my life. Having a roommate and close friend disappear was absolutly devastating. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

So my things are grouped together in boxes... plants in one corner, clothes here, pillows there... it's all being prepared for the journey ahead. With these next few moves come new intentions, a new life for me and my little dog Tay. My castle is falling apart, the beauty I've created here must migrate elsewhere. It's a shame.

Devin leaves in a few weeks. I can't say this is going to be easy for me... but even harder for him. He's starting a brand new life half way across the world, with people who know nothing of his past, only what he decides they need to know. A clean breath of air, a blank canvas. It would be nice.