ARRRGGGH

I am so frustrated.

My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.

So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.

I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.

I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.

So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.

I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.

I don't know what to do but cry and pray.

I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.

I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.