Sharks

I am back at my Nia classes and it feels great. The holidays are finally over, and I've found somewhat of a routine. The problem lies once again with my work.

My current dilemma: do I quit restaurants all together, avoiding the time commitment and energy towards a new job... thus becoming a full-time trainer? Giuseppe's has NOT been what I've wanted it to be. I've not had any serving shifts yet, which means very little money. I was hired to serve, but since they trained most of their other servers for 3 weeks prior to my arrival, I'm way behind. They've given me about 1-2 shifts per week, mostly training shifts. This is not worth it to me, at all.

I was expediting food for a few shifts, but that is no more... I sold a lamb shank as a veal chop and The Bitch told chef she wanted my shift. I don't know why I thought I knew what a veal chop or lamb shank looked like anyway.

So, I have 1 training shift on Sunday and 1 serving shift the following Sunday. I have 2 days to decide if I want to quit. I'm leaning towards yes. I turned down some good work for these people, and they don't know how to see potential, or communicate for that matter. I'm over it.

The musician has once again disappeared. I'm over that too... not going to wait for his ebb and flow, although it is his birthday tomorrow. It's always the Capricorns.

So tonight, I'm staying in... away from the drama of downtown. My roommate Chris and I are going to rent a movie, we're hoping about sharks :)

I just wish money wasn't always the issue.

Deep breaths.

The Sculpted Lifespan

Yesterday was a good day. Ray came over to play... we went for a run in the pouring rain, ran a few stair intervals at the bay, came home and sat in the spa. The weather was crazy to say the least. It was cool to sit in my studio and watch the weather.

We went and got some tacos, then came back and read about Tao, Indian Luck, Women's Health, and listened to a little Bob. I got ready for work, and Ray went home.

I always have moments of clarity when I run. This time, it was when Ray commented about his age... he jokes a bit about being older. I kept telling him that your lifespan is what you make of it. It stuck.

We have one life in this body. How we treat it and nourish it determines how long it lasts... disregarding genetic predisposition. But even then, a healthier body reacts less to predisposed illness. Anyway, it got me thinking about how people live their lives.

Joe always said he didn't want to live a long time... I always assumed to be that dramatic artist. So maybe people consciously or unconsciously determine their lifespan early on? Who knows?

Perhaps I'll examine it further at a later time... or not.

Lacking Words

New Year's went out with a bang. I first went to dinner with Betsy at the old Giuseppe's. We sat, drank, heckled her son a little, and parted ways. I was contemplating between going home and going downtown.

A good part of me wanted to hide on account of last year and the events that occured. I made sure the ex was out of town this time. The other part of me was tired of being a hermit crab and needed a little social interaction. I met up with Vic (Ray's roommate) at about 8pm. We walked downtown to Black Sheep where I had one drink, and switched to water.

There were tons of people there to hang out with... and it was a good time for a while, but I had NO intentions of being there at midnight. I have always felt a little hunted in that place... maybe because I was a single waitress, who occasionally hung out after hours. Anyway, the vulturous stares got old fast.

As I was about to leave, I saw the Musician waiting in line outside. I went out, said hello, and came back inside. I talked to him for a few, then informed him of my escape. I don't think he believed that I would leave, alone, on this holiday. Well, I did... after I was stopped a handful of times on my way out.

I was sober at this point. It had been 5ish hours since I'd had a drink. I walked to Ray & Vic's where I took a brief nap, and ventured home. I called the Musician just to see if he needed a ride home... he did.

We had a good night, with an unexpected turn of events of course. It seems his ex has come back to him full force. He sits now in contemplation; back to the ex or on to the new? I was as supportive as I could be, given the situation. I remember, just a year ago, being in the same boat with Joe.

Perhaps it's karma? Perhaps it wasn't meant to be? Perhaps he won't go back to her? Whatever the outcome, it isn't about me. It's about him. My toughest trial will be to not personalize the outcome. It's hard to watch the first guy in a long time that I've cared about slip away... if indeed that's what he's doing.

So now, I have no words. I have nothing further to say... it's time to turn my energy inward until I hear the chilling verdict. I'll be ok, either way.

Fluke

I woke up early again today to make it to Avila... I usually don't work on Fridays, but made an exception for a client. I called yesterday to confirm, left a message... a no show today. So, I took the time to stretch and do some yoga on the bosu. I left at 10 for my 10:15 Nia class. I haven't been in a few weeks, and so wanted to dance... cancelled. So, I called Ray; we were supposed to have lunch... phone was off.

I was getting pretty low blood sugar, but decided to make it to the World Market because Ray wasn't expecting me until later. I shopped, light headed... the phone was still off. I called his roommate Vic, who told me Ray was throwing up and hung over, phone died. So I got some lunch and went over to work on Vic's achilles tendon. I hung out there for a few hours, with the occasional entertaining visitor.

There was no reason to get up today... today was a fluke. I'm over it. I'm done with bullshit altogether, including my own. I'm hiding for New Years.

So for now, I will keep burning my 'protection' candle to sheild negative influences, and hope that I can stay clear of trouble.

To Wander

I got ready for Giuseppe's... made it downtown, purchased a new wine opener and server book... I got there, and they weren't expecting me. Hmm. Ok. I decided I needed a night off anyway.

So here I am, trying to keep myself from driving me crazy. There is so much indecision... so much confusion. I'm broke... educated, but broke. I'm not sure how to feel, what to do, where to be, how to live...

I suppose this is what life is all about. I've decided to hide for New Years. Last year was too much.

I'm happy and stable in life, but lost and empty. I guess I'm the walking contradiction I've thought myself to be for so long.

One of the biggest voids in my life is the disappearance of one of my best friends, Kristen. She moved to Utah, and for whatever reason couldn't keep in contact with me anymore. Something about it got too painful. She was my other half for so long... we lived together for 4 years... and now she's gone. This was the first birthday in 5 years I haven't celebrated with her... it's weird. I miss her so much, but understand why she needed to run away for a while. I just hope I find her again.

Almost a New Moon

Today is Thursday. I drove home (Los Osos) from San Jose last night. After 3 days of snowboarding, a back-to-back total body sculpt and yoga class, I was exhausted. Christmas was great. I got to spend time with my family and had 2 days of powder... all I could ever need.

I woke up before the sun this morning to make it to Avila, just in time to see the last moon of the month... as a little sliver in the sky. I hope that tomorrow's new moon will bring new beginnings. The musician's still lost, as we all are, and I'm becoming tired of his uncertainty. Not that I want a definite yes/no decision... in fact that may freak me out more... but to know if he's going to stick around or not would be nice. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm not used to this position... I'm more frequently the one running away.

I have thirty minutes until I have to get ready for Giuseppe's. I don't even have a set schedule yet... and I'm still training, which means I'm not making tips. I miss the money at Black Sheep... and it was so easy. I'm considering taking a few shifts a week bartending in addition to Giuseppe's and Avila. I'm just not making enough to cut it, much less shop or travel. It's frustrating, I feel like I'm working so hard.

Anyway, off to clean up the house a bit more before cleaning up after people dining out.

I wonder how much will be too much? I just keep trying to sing...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin' good."

Pre-Christmas

I've been at the Avila Bay Club for almost two years. I've seen many people come and go, quitly and with a stir. Some I miss, some I don't, but the club has been better for it all.

Yesterday was the day of many clients/class. I started off my day with Jim, one of my faithful clients. I always work out with him. Next, I taught my 'Core Training' class. I've gotten a handful of regulars... we laughed, hula hooped... it was a great time. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't worked out in quite some time, so I decided to take Karen's weight 'Total Body Training' class. She kicked my ass as usual. Needless to say, after those three hours, I was worked!

So the day wandered on. I made Christmas Cards for those I needed to see last night. Some of my coworkers at Avila saw some of my work, and asked me to have an art show at the club... and sell them! That was pretty exciting.

I had lunch with Betsy, right on the cliffs in Shell Beach. The waves were huge! We were guessing at least 10 feet. Pretty amazing view at Silver Shoals.

I ended my night with a mending of a relationship that really needed mending... and here I sit today, packing up my things to snowboard!!! Finally, a little snow!!!

Must... keep... packing.

Holidays

I sit here, feet swollen, tired... planning out my next two days. I've been working at Giuseppe's from about 4-11pm every day this week. Getting home late, then up early is exhausting.

I'm so excited to snowboard, and more importantly see my family. I miss them... their support... and thier company.

Tomorrow is a busy day, with 5 clients, one class, dinner plans and packing for the trip. I still haven't put everything I'd wanted to together for Christmas. I know that those who know me well, know I am always/usually late on gifts.

I hope that these jobs get easier and I find my rhythm eventually. Until then, I may be a little cranky and sleep in when I'm not supposed to. Change is inevitable, change is good, but change is mentally and physically taxing.

Horsing Around

Too much computer screen time makes my head ache. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in front of the computer now that music and photos are on screen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I did however get in a little Riverdance this morning, which really just consisted of me dancing around my studio to the soundtrack, but enough to stoke my soul a little.

I'm discovering how dance and play can be incorporated into elongating the spine...

Winter's chill is ever prevalent, and it's hard to keep my body moving. None the less, I feel good. I finally have some time off before the other jobs are starting...

Someone whose picture continues to make me smile:

The Moon Cloud

I was born on a full moon. For as long as I can remember, moons have made me crazy... but I'm aware of it.

Each full moon brings a different level of confusion. Sometimes, they define meaning of an aspect in my life, bring about a culmination to a situation; they generally climax any plot going on in my life.

This moon is no different. It's not even full yet, tomorrow is the day, but I'm already crazy. Dwelling over passed loves, dwelling on where I've been, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm not... dwelling in general.

The best thing for me to do in this state is walk away. I'm strong in who I am and the path I'm on in life. I know everything is OK, but this big ball of light is pulling all the emotion from my soul and wrapping it around my mind.

I'm tired of it... when it comes to the moon, is ignorance really bliss?

A Look Into the Future

Like the translucent quality of water,

my life has finally found clarity.

There are new journeys here to embark upon,

and many leaps to be made.

It's freedom time.

Ahhhhshtanga

Yesterday was a hard day. After Nia, I dognapped Tay and drove to the ocean. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and why, but I knew the sound of the ocean would make everything right.

I felt pretty good last night after dancing, but I know there has been something missing in my life.

I've always known my body needs yoga. My hips are chronically stuck in positions not used in running, and my breath is sometimes short and shallow. After last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I proclaimed my retirement from triathlon and thought I'd just do yoga. It lasted for a while.

I received an email from my old Ashtanga teacher yesterday. I went to her class as religiously as I could, and valued her guidance. She moved to L.A. in July, and I fell out of my practice. Granted it was only about 2-3 times per week, but it was something.

Today I came back to the Primary Series, and oh did it feel good again. It was the first time that it really felt like MY practice. I modified where I needed to modify, and focused on the body parts I knew needed the extra stretch.

My headstand was less than graceful, and I didn't attempt dropbacks, but it felt great. I found my bandhas, and continued to check in with them in each pose. I wonder if I will get to a point where this practice can be a part of daily life?

All I know is that I needed it... and it felt great. It had been too long. I've nearly forgotten everything I'd worried about hours before.

In Hopes of Clarity

This past week has been stressful. Ever since I decided that it was time for a new job, my mind has been a bit confused.

I dropped off two resumes, I got two interviews. I scheduled them 45 minutes apart, both downtown.

The first one was at the new Giuseppe's. The new location is beautiful, right in the heart of downtown SLO. It's going to be amazing. This job I really want. The second interview was at the Library (strictly a bar) in which I'd be bartending. Now the potential for money making is exponential if I am a skilled bartender in SLO, but it's not the classiest place to work in all honesty.

As my blood sugar continued to drop, (I hadn't planned on both interviews, but was actually downtown for lunch plans) I ran to pluck Ray out of the bar he'd been killing time in and dashed for food. With a few minutes to eat, I drove to Avila for a witty 12 year old client and the staff Christmas party. I hung out for a while, but I was the first person there, and in my daily atire. I left when they started the train around the room. I was too exhausted.

I arrived home to a phone message. The night before I ate at Big Sky Cafe for Venessa's birthday, where I'd worked for a couple of years previously. I had dabbled with the idea of managing over there, or at the Natural Cafe, but it seemed I'd be working more hours for less pay. Chris called me to offer me a serving position. I told her I'd interviewed at Giuseppe's, and she told me she wouldn't let me come back to Big Sky if I was offered a job at Giuseppe's. Very cool of her.

So as my brain was being jumbled around yesterday, waiting for calls back, I got another call. It was an athletic club in Pismo Beach (farther from my house than Avila) wanting to hire me based on reputation.

I will also soon be starting work with Yukie and Karla again, to fulfull my internship hours for Cal Poly.

So confused. There are so many things I want to explore, but they are all preceded by a throbbing headache. I wish there were more hours in the week.

Today I hope for clarity. At least the weather is beautiful :)

Chilly Winds

I love Winter. Let me rephrase: I love snowboarding, but in order to snowboard we need snow. As much as I resent the cold for stiffening up my body, I love its expression of white powder.

Winter is always an emotional time for me. There's the birthday month, where just too many people can find me... and the dangerous driving conditions.

But, it's also a time of beauty. The natural landscape changes almost daily and is revived by the rainfall.

Los Osos is cold! I'm frozen until the second before I fall asleep to the hum of my little space heater, and frozen again once I step foot on the tile floors.

If there only was a way to transport myself from the spa to warmth again, without the 15 foot dash of cold up my back...

Ok, so I understand that this is California... but for me, it's cold!

Turkey Time

The Other Jenna calls herself a Jennatarian. She eats meat when she feels she needs to, or not to cause a scene at the inlaws... but for the most part only eats fish. It's this kind of attitude I've migrated towards. Doing for my body, what my body needs.

This is the first year in 12 years that I've eaten the turkey on Thanksgiving. It's easily avoidable in my household because the turkey is the only dish which has meat in it. Everything else is made mostly vegan, low fat, high fiber, organic, top quality wholesome goodness. The turkey isn't even allowed to be cooked in my parent's house.

I hesitated months ago when I was told by a nutritionist that my body needed meat. I had perfected absorbable supplementation and dark leafy greens. I didn't understand how it was different. She explained to me that my blood type and my heritage had more to do with my body's reaction to meat than I thought.

So, a bite of tri tip here, a bite of chicken there... over a period of about 3 months, I started sampling meat. I even ate a piece of fillet! It began as a reason to overcome my fears. I know overconsumption is related to all kinds of dis-ease.

Everyone is in shock. Especially all the vegetarian friends and family members who haven't made the switch back. Everyone else is congratulating me on the switch... like now it makes me a normal person or something.

I don't know if I'll eat meat forever... and I'm learning very quickly about quality, how it's prepared, stored, etc.

I want to have the capability to cook it if I want to, and not necessarily eat it.

My energy levels are higher. I feel more alive... maybe because I'm putting something in that once was breathing. Eww. I know the ethical issues will get my mind again. The way I see it, I put in 12 sacrificial years... now is my time to consume a little quality, hormone free meat.

I know in a few months I'll read 'Diet for a New America' another time and be vegetarian once again.

The hardest part about diets is the judgement of others. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this, as Bob Marley says, 'judge not, until you judge yourself.'

Everyone consumes what they need to, whether it be emotionally/physically/mentally... it's individual, and it's what makes us unique and alive. So cheers to your veal, vegan tofu cheesecake, vegetables and all.

Roll

Today was a good day. I woke up at about 6, dreadfully early for work. I made it to Avila a few minutes after my client Jim. He drinks his decaf coffee early and is ready to work when I arrive. We started in on our new and improved routine. His body had surely adapted to the old one, although I modified it every now and again... it has been over a year of working with him now. I always work out with him, with the exception of when I'm correcting his form. Total body strength workout... awesome.

Next I had Margy, one of my newer clients, who is a physical therapist. Working out with her is a great workout for myself. Last session we did an entire hour on the agility ladder. For those new to agility drills, you are basically sprinting the entire time, trying to move faster and faster. This session I set up a circuit. I laid out the ladder, set up a step, some bosus to jump back and forth between, power crunches with medicine ball and trampoline, and a jump rope. We did each exercise in the circuit for a minute. One of my fellow trainers Dee joined in. The three of us ran around the cardio room hooting and hollering for a good hour, then joined together to brainstorm ideas about a coworker's injury. Good times. One more client, and I was out the door.

I went home and crashed hard. I was so tired. I woke up a few hours later and walked down to the bay with my injured Tay. He was grateful. I made it home in time for a little Oprah on the Tivo. I cried for a good 20 minutes. Such a sad story today.

I made it to Nia with a few minutes to spare, but Derek and I were the only two there besides Amy. We contemplated whether or not to have class for a few minutes, then Tawney and her friend Fran walked in. Nia with the five of us was phenomenal. Luckily we all have strong energy and were willing to share. It was a great time. It was just the uplifting I needed after working on others all day. Dancing really lifts my spirits.

Gauze Pads

The ocean is loud tonight. The stars are glowing bright, without the tiresome distraction of street lights. I love my home.

Amy came to visit this weekend. It was delightful to get to spend some time with her... it's been so long since we've both had a free weekend. It's so easy to hang out with someone who knows me so well.

She brought her labs Tierra and Guiness. Last time they were here, Tay and Tierra had a few battles but nothing serious. This time Tierra cornered Tay on the front porch, and when I came looking for him, she attacked... pretty sure there was a ball involved. He fought back, but she broke skin in two places on his head. Poor bubba.

Today Mira and I hiked around in the Laguna Lake/ Mt. Madonna area with a wounded Tay. Amy helped me to wrap his head in gauze (this would have been a great Halloween costume for him) before her trek home. We didn't have time to make it to the top, but found a beautiful view of the sunset from Shell Beach to Morro Bay. The sky turned pink over Avila... bright pink. Then the light faded into a yellow, then an orange over Los Osos. The clouds were pushed ever so gently by the wind and created a whispy feel. We hiked down and felt the cool air fill the valley. I left my camera in the car :(

Life is good. Things are moving and growing. My new space here is great, and only getting better. With each day comes a new level of organization and light. Soon it will be routine.

I was thinking back yesterday on what my goals used to be in life. To get a college degree, have returning personal training clients, to print my own photography... turns out I've created my dream. And it just all keeps falling into place... with the best of intentions.

New Studio, New Path

Moving stinks. I feel that the last two weeks have been lacking routine in a very unsettling way.

Finally, it's starting to feel like home. No, not every piece of clothing has a home yet, and a furniture shuffle is still in process... but my mind is starting to settle.

I'm hoping with this new beautiful studio, I will start a new chapter of my life. One that includes peace, joy, play and love. The energy in the studio is thriving and waiting to be used.

I've never managed finances well. This will change... but for the time being, I'm hiring an accountant. Enough is enough. I lose my head in financial matters. Haven't found that balance.

I've acquired a lot of information about fitness/personal training/nutrition that I can't wait to share. But... it will take me a while to organize it in a presentable way. Soon.

Each year of life I discover new things. Lately, I've learned that life is a dance. A game. A beautiful expression of self in a way that creates magnificent reflections. This is how we know we are alive.

Vegas Baby!

This weekend was my first trip to Vegas. I expected the usual... drinks, partying, skimpy clothes, but I was attending a conference. I decided before I went that I would find a balance in myself this weekend.

I am a highly sensitive person; lights, sounds, smoke, and any other stimulus can easily overwhelm me. Over the past few years, I have learned to find an inner balance and allow the outside world to be separate from my head. It worked. I wasn't overwhelmed at all, besides the driving and car activities, I kept a level head.

The city was beautiful. Of course it's a little freakish how the building resemble a grown up disney land, but watching the light change on the city, in coordination with the moon, was surreal.

I actually attended the conference (for the most part) and got a lot out of it. I'll write more about it in my next newsletter, but overall the speakers were very informative and professional.

And the test... we'll see in a few weeks when I get my results back. I'm feeling good about it.

One of my favorite clients, Betsy was ironically in Vegas at the same time with her family at the same hotel. Well, I was at the Mandalay Bay and she was at the 4 Seasons which ajoined. She happened to have an extra ticket to 'O' which is a water version of Cirque de Soleit. Amazing. The stage was water in the center, walkways on the sides, but it changed into solid stage in three sections at different moments during the show. I was perplexed at the ability of their spines to hyperextend. Based anatomically, I thought it to be impossible. Apparently these amazing bodies are trained from very young ages, and their fate as contortionists is predetermined. My dream of being in the show... shot down. Thanks mom :)

Ten to Midnight

It seems I never write anymore. I love to write. I love to create in general, but being a perfectionist, I don't want to write about just anything. Tonight, I write about nothing. Forgive my scatteredness.

I moved into a new studio last weekend. It's been about a week and a half of constant work and moving of things. The studio was beautiful, but needed a little paint and some good juju. Although it's only about 20 feet from my old room, it is a world away. I needed my own space.

What I'm creating is a living space/working space. A place where I can invite people in to heal... whether it be to train their bodies, be massaged, enjoy aromatherapy, herbal therapy, or a combination of all that I know and love. It's my opportunity to share a beautiful space with those who could benefit from one.

So the first few days I freaked out. There was no order to anything. I was living out of piles on the floor, couldn't tell what was dirty or clean... it was chaos. After about 5 loads of laundry (I washed everything ambiguous) my piles are all clean. Things are shaping up here, but it's slow moving.

My body is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted... and in one day... I leave for Las Vegas. What a trip that's going to be. I'm going for an ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) conference and examination, and a little play time.

It has been the constant lifting, painting, bending and all of the weird movements I've done in the last few weeks that has made me feel imbalanced to say the least. I did workout this morning with Jim, ran with Mira this afternoon and went to Nia this evening... but still feel bloated and off balance. I know once my world slows down a little I will feel better, but with Vegas and the new studio, will my body ever see serenity again?