Idle

First thing, let me clarify: #4 sell photos online, does not mean sell photos of myself. I understand that seems ambiguous, but it's rather to sell photos that I've taken, online.

Ok, so the search continues. I think the hardest thing is that I have no idea what I'm looking for. I love my job, but I make pennies. I love where I live, but it's expensive as hell. Is it worth living in this beautiful, clean-aired, magnificent coastal land?

There are so many possibilities, so many options, so many decisions... and just me to make all of them. Frankly, it's terrifying... it's overwhelming... it's driving me insane. So what have I been doing? Spending as much time as I can in the beautiful studio I've created, and trying not to be too bitter about what will happen to it when I leave. I've been hiding from anything that will make me feel better about life, about indecision, about it all. It seems counter productive--yes, but it's all I have left in me to do. I just need to retreat for a while and think... but it seems thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I wish there was some kind of certainty in my life, something stable, something to stand on. But until then, I'll float around and dream. I'll dream of the day when I can EZpay my bills online, when I can know how much I'll make at the end of the month, and when the company I work for insures me and pays me a decent wage!