Family Fun Time!!!

Now is the day to pack. It's 10:19, I'm sitting in my robe... waiting to find my energy to get up and go.

Here may be a peak at what's to expect from the family :O)

(Tahoe, Sweden, and some reoccurring nightmare...)

Almost There!

3 days until Pinecrest!!! All year we anticipate, we plan, we prepare mentally and physically, we dream... and finally, it's almost time.

My clients this morning cancelled, which coincidentally gave me enough time to do laundry, workout and prepare myself for the next two weeks. I can't wait. I'm pretty much jittery with excitement.

Ray came home, not sure if I wrote about that yet. I can't believe how much I missed him... a month is a long time to not have your best bud around. So now two out of three are back in the country. Chris, back from Costa Rica, Ray is back from Mexico, but Betsy is still in Bermuda.

So today I am watering plants, listening to Etta James... just kind of floating around the house. Luckily this place stays pretty cool during the day.

Sandy and Dave move this weekend to the Bay Area, which is going to be weird. Sandy has been in my life since the days of Dan and Dave, Cyrus and Rufus. We've grown so much together and helped support eachother through many tough times. At least they'll be close to my family up there.

So, nothing really intelligent to write today... my mind is on vacation mode. Here's a picture of me and Tay when we travel :)

A Few Shots

What I've been shooting lately:

Soon Soon

I read 72 tonight, for the first time in a long time. D is in love. His words flow eloquently, as if he were writing the novel of his life.

I knew I could never be this woman to him, nor he that man to me, but it's still creepy. Most of me is just glad he gets to experience all that he is. Maybe all he needed was to break free of San Luis and its memories, restrictions, and one night stands turned sour.

I feel like for the past few years I've been looking at him knowing very well that this is who he could be, but it was too complicated... and we were just too good as friends.

All I know is that he's happy, and therefore so am I. I don't know that I need to meet her yet, and of this I think he's aware. Thank you for that D.

One Week

I willed something to happen the other day. I didn't even realize that I'd done it until I remembered a few days later.

It was a Sunday, I had the day off. I was cleaning, doing laundry, watering plants and such... when I stopped to think about a person who I didn't feel like I was done with. I put my intention into that relationship... I made a conscious effort to make my presence known in his world. I spent time nurturing the things that reminded me of him.

Two days later, he calls. I hadn't talked to him in quite some time.

I know how connected the universe is, and if we only stop briefly to recognize it, we can learn and gain so much.

Anyway...

I finally have internet at home!!! This means all ya'll that are waiting on pictures from me are more likely to receive now. This also means I can blog more and write more newsletters (no, I haven't given that up).

I haven't decided which email to use anymore. My new gmail is too long, but I'm liking gmail... but with my new internet connection, I have sbc email again too.

Maybe I will start a new gmail with a shorter name, but then there are 3 to remember, or perhaps just forward them on... I'm thinking too hard about it.

I got nothing done this weekend. From Friday night to tonight (Sunday) I didn't get a free waking moment. Well, I guess I will have to find rest on a daily basis somewhere.

Pinecrest countdown: 1 week.

Time for sleep.

Adaptation

July 1, 2006

I knew that these past few weeks would teach me a lot about life…but I have learned and experienced more than I’d hoped and imagined.

Living without my possessions has been a gift. I have learned that what I actually need in life is very little; I only need a roof over my head, food, and a place to sleep. Now, my experience was far from bare essentials, but still I’ve learned a lot.

Not knowing where things are is huge… and learning that we don’t need our things, much less any things to survive life, nor to be happy in life. Now my reality is much more privileged than that of most, but it was still a fantastic exercise in abundance. I have beautiful things, but what does it matter if one has beautiful things, if we can’t go out and enjoy life?

My studio in Los Osos was perfect. I spent literally months making it a beautiful specimen inside and out, from the smallest to the largest detail… but what I’ve realized is that it becomes almost too much effort to maintain it’s existence. I would go home because I needed to clean, I wouldn’t go into town because I felt I didn’t have a handle on the cleanliness of the place, but what I needed to realize was that life was passing me by while I was obsessing about my home. Yes—a home is a sacred place… but all it really needs to be is a place to sleep and invite friends to enjoy too.

I’ve got a very new outlook on my new house with Chris… simplicity. We have amazing things, which means we should need very little. I didn’t even try to manipulate what he bought for our bathroom at Bed Bath and Beyond today… because really, I don’t care. I have all that I need to survive. My bed, some clothes, and Tay.

Ray is gone for a month. It’s been 2 days. I miss him already, but this is good for me. He’ll get fantastic surf with his two girls for a month, and I’ll fall into work and my body for a while.

I’ve discovered the key to losing weight. Eat light, feel light, be light. That’s that. If the body feels like it needs something heavy, ask it, why? To create a shield? To keep people out? To avoid love?

I’m sleeping tonight at Ray’s because the house today wasn’t ready for us to move into. With a single comforter, Tay on the floor, Guy on the Couch on the couch, and Vic and Ray gone, I will sleep peacefully.

This experience has taught me to be adaptable to my situation in life.

Bubble Town

Once again, it's been too long... I miss writing. There are a few posts which I wrote at home on my internet-less computer, which I will post at a later time. I started writing another newsletter as well.

My fascination lately has been with gym-goers. It is so amazing to me how many different kinds of people go to gyms, and even more amazing what routines they maintain. I will share some inspirational stories and characters at another time.

I've been talking about writing a book for a while, and I think this may be the time in my life to at least start it... even if nobody but my mom buys it, what an accomplishment! It's just an amazing place to live with such an interesting dynamic among its inhabitants.

So Ray has been in Mexico since late last month. I've heard from him twice, but life is different without him in my daily routine. This break has been good for me to find some clarity in that situation in particular, but also other situations. Chris is in Costa Rica for 2 weeks, leaving just Tay and I in the new home. It's coming along pretty well, but still SO much work to do!!!

Work is going well, I love my clients... and they're rockin' it! I've been kicking my own butt as well, which absolutly feels great. Anyway, back to work, just thought I'd check in.

Oh--pretty pictures of this last full moon coming too.

Busy Bee

My day is nearing an end, it's 5:15PM. I woke up this morning at 4:45 for a 5:30 client who set her alarm wrong and slept in. The last few days I've been working long hours... I can feel it hormonally, I can feel it emotionally, I can feel it in my energy levels.

The past few weeks have been fun for me, living with Betsy that is. She's been fun to hang out with, and her space is exceptionally comfortable and safe for me. It's been interesting living without most of my posessions... I have to say I've quite enjoyed it, even though I miss my beautiful things.

What else is going on... Tay got groomed today, Ray leaves in two days for Mexico, mom is coming down for some R&R, and Christa and Ben are coming to save my day by helping me move this weekend.

My dad is finally leaving Florida, after 5 weeks of caring for grandma and grandpa. I remember a much different version of them than I think they've become over the last few years. I think it's almost better to not have the visual in my head, but rather to remember the good times we shared when I was younger.

It seems I don't have time for much of anything but work anymore, but I feel like I'm in a good place here... my client base is growing, my clients love the results I'm helping them to achieve, and I'm having fun doing it. I only wish I had a little more time for myself in the grand scheme of things... but that will come in time I guess.

I'm almost done for the day... I can't wait to get to Betsy's and enjoy some fish tacos and wine. Her cooking has been incredible, and I think it's been fun for her to have someone so happy to eat and chill out. Tay's going to miss her lab Cooper too.

Transition, transition, transition... this year has been a good one thus far. The year of the dog... my year. I wonder what else I can create?

Update on Life

It's been a long time since I've written, at all. No journal, no blog, no newsletter. There has been a large shift in my life... in a few aspects.

Devin moved. I've known it was coming for quite some time, but it still didn't make it easier. He's not gone forever... I mean, he'll be in L.A. for the summer. Still, it's the absence of one of the most solid rocks in my life that leaves me unsettled.

On a lighter note, Larry turned 50! Mom put on a huge tropical extravaganza at the house with close to 70 people in attendance... it rocked. All the food was hand made organic vegan goodness, and BBQ chicken to compliment.

Work is going well, I'm still building my client base, finding that it's hard to fill my schedule completely and still have enough energy for each client. I won't do this job forever. I miss writing my newsletter, but have very little free time to spare.

A few random calls from The Musician threw me for a small loop, but all in all I'm feeling settled, grounded for once in a long while. I learned a lot about musicians, or showmen in general... bartenders can sometimes be thrown into this category, and cocktailing I can say I was too. They have 2 lives. The life of a performer and the normal human experience. When the performance side takes over the human side, there's trouble. The extra attention can be misleading and frustrating but also constructive and uplifting.

Anyway, I told The Musician that I can't listen to his work anymore... not because it's bad, it's all actually stellar, but because it wasn't the person I knew. I wanted to believe his words, but they were nothing but stories and fantasy... not the normal human experience. Not reality. I think that's why he ran... I was too real.

Ray and I have gotten much closer. He's been everything to me lately. My #1 supporter, my best SLO friend. I'm so grateful for him. We can make a great time out of any situation, and also cope with some hard times too. He leaves for Mexico in a few weeks with his two girl friends. The absence of him and Devin will leave me a little lost to say the least, but I think in both cases the trips will help them both to refocus and grow.

I wonder when I will fly away from SLO.

New Digs

It's now Sunday evening. There's a BBQ brewing over on Peach Street, but I'm hesitating to leave Pismo.

It has been a LONG weekend. I started moving Thursday and just finished my last load this morning. It is so hard to leave my Los Osos dwelling behind, but so very good for me to get rid of the bad energy that's taken over that house. I know that I'm responsible for much of that energy, or maybe things just became stale for me, nevertheless, I feel great being away from it. I'm setting new intentions for myself and my life here in SLO town.

I watch the same people night after night doing the same things... drinking, roaming, beaching, or working their asses off for little pay. Something about this town screams at the twenty-somethings to GET OUT! We train some of the best learn-by-doing people in the state, but then don't hesitate to kick them to the curb. I must say I even participate in this attitude... around this time of year, I'm stoked b/c the students leave for the summer. I always stayed (with the exception of one year) and it's been an epic time each summer.

So it's apparent to me that this blog has become more of a personal outlet for the past few months. My intentions for it were that of a wellness outlet, where people could look for health tips and training devices. For those of you who continue to read, thank you. I promise The Art of Balance will return soon, and wellness will be once again part of my written life.

Fly

I sit here, it's Thursday night. I decided today that tomorrow I leave Los Osos. It's become too toxic here for me. I bought coffee and a tasty treat to spike my energy level a few hours ago... I see now why Larry is so efficient :)

I realize that lately my writing, my attitude, my being, have all been stunted, confused, tainted by life. I am by no means a victim. I caused everything that is happening in my life. I created my life, I shaped it into what it's become. I need to get out of here. Betsy has been kind enough to lend me her spare bedroom for a few weeks until the new house is ready. I just need to get out.

Kristen is in town, hanging out with Ray at Frog and Peach. It's been almost a year since she left and since we've spoken. It's been one of the things I have grieved most in my life. Having a roommate and close friend disappear was absolutly devastating. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

So my things are grouped together in boxes... plants in one corner, clothes here, pillows there... it's all being prepared for the journey ahead. With these next few moves come new intentions, a new life for me and my little dog Tay. My castle is falling apart, the beauty I've created here must migrate elsewhere. It's a shame.

Devin leaves in a few weeks. I can't say this is going to be easy for me... but even harder for him. He's starting a brand new life half way across the world, with people who know nothing of his past, only what he decides they need to know. A clean breath of air, a blank canvas. It would be nice.

Soul Elation

He stood behind me.
Waiting and watching.
His nerves jumping.
I turned and saw him.

Where did he come from?
Was I dreaming?
Was he alone?

I gasped.
There he was,
He received me.
I felt his warmth again.
Why had he been away so long?

We played in the dirt in anticipation of Spring.
Rescued jellyfish in the muddy bay.
Planned a tree tour of the local beauties.
And had my favorite meal.

It was perfect.
I could not have asked for more.
And then he was gone.
Like lingering bells in the distance.

The intensity is greater with him than with any other.

And I tell myself:

This is how I satisfy my soul.

Stalled and Transplanting

I've been slowed down. I always run... rain, shine, tired, hung over. Running is my outlet, my saving grace, my piece of mind. I can't run for a while, while I wait for the knee to heal. Only one bout of cardio in 5 days makes for a grumpy girl. I've been walking around on it for work, and I can last a few hours before it's screaming at me. So RICE is my prescription. Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.

On a lighter note, Chris and I found a place to live on Murray Street. Murray Street is an interesting one, on one side of it there are college complexes and parties galore. On the other side of it, there are trees in the middle of the street with a side walk in between. That's the side we're on. It's one of my favorite strips in SLO. The house we are going to move into isn't beautiful, yet. With a little work, it will polish up real nice.

So, I guess I'm moving into SLO. We'll see how things turn out for me in town. I know I'll have a ton more time and less money spent on gas, with friends a bike ride away. All good things.

Booze and Sunshine

So it seems that all I needed was a little sunshine and sister time.

This weekend, Christa came down to help me. Stubborn as I am, if she would have told me that's why she was coming, I probably would have revolted. Anyway, so we found a ton of boxes, put much of my possessions in newspaper, and started this moving process along.

It was really a great weekend. I hung out with Christa until Sunday night when I met my neighbor Lonnie for a birthday drink. Well, it turned into a few more... and we ended up taking a cab back to Osos at about 3:30am. The next day with Lonnie, his wife Anna, son Kai and friend Keith, we headed up to Lake Nacimiento for some sunshine and booze. Just exactly what I needed. I didn't drink much, and spent most of the day in the lake playing. The water felt incredible.

I did however hurt myself on Sunday. Ray, Christa and I were sitting in my 6 person hammock and it snapped. The 10 foot 4x4 came down on my patella (knee cap). Since my knee caps were already cracked, I'm 90% sure it's broken... in fact I can feel the pieces. Anyway, it makes me professional life interesting. We'll see how I do. Today was hard.

It felt so good to just let myself relax in the sunshine this weekend. I still don't have a definite plan of where to live. I have a small plan however. It may just be time to dig up my roots here. We'll see.

Lunatics

Strangely enough, after I wrote 'Idle' last night, I checked the phase of the moon online. For the past 3 or so years, I have always had a moon chart or two around the house, and now I don't. The point is, I used to know where I was in the lunar cycle every few days, and now, I only see what appears during the day or night. I still pay attention, but not as much.

Over the years, as I've paid attention, I notice a shift in my energy and the energy of those around me. It was really apparent when I worked in restaurants. What I've noticed is that with the waxing moon (when it's getting fuller) the mood lifts, almost in hope of what is to come. With the full moon, it's like the culmination of that good mood, all the good energy; the climax per say. After the full moon, the energy wanes or slowly drains away. And, like last night, when there's no moon, apparently it's hard to connect to the earth's energy at all.

There have been studies about the moon and how it causes lunacy in people. I wonder if that's why people are called lunatics? Ha. Probably.

So what was striking about last night is how I felt... on idle. Like I had no feeling, no emotion, no opinion, no drive. Right after I wrote, I checked my favorite moon website... absolutely no moon. 0.0% illumination! It confirmed how much I'm connected to the supernatural.

Is it better to know? Well, I feel more justified in my idle attitude, but if I'd never made that connection to the lunar cycle, would it still have the same crazy pull on me? I think yes.

If you're curious what the moon was doing when you were born, check this website and enter your birthday. And, just if you were curious about me, yes, I was born on a full moon. Go figure.

Oh, and for good measure, a picture of our favorite Lunatic, and yes, she's peeing in the lake :O)

Idle

First thing, let me clarify: #4 sell photos online, does not mean sell photos of myself. I understand that seems ambiguous, but it's rather to sell photos that I've taken, online.

Ok, so the search continues. I think the hardest thing is that I have no idea what I'm looking for. I love my job, but I make pennies. I love where I live, but it's expensive as hell. Is it worth living in this beautiful, clean-aired, magnificent coastal land?

There are so many possibilities, so many options, so many decisions... and just me to make all of them. Frankly, it's terrifying... it's overwhelming... it's driving me insane. So what have I been doing? Spending as much time as I can in the beautiful studio I've created, and trying not to be too bitter about what will happen to it when I leave. I've been hiding from anything that will make me feel better about life, about indecision, about it all. It seems counter productive--yes, but it's all I have left in me to do. I just need to retreat for a while and think... but it seems thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I wish there was some kind of certainty in my life, something stable, something to stand on. But until then, I'll float around and dream. I'll dream of the day when I can EZpay my bills online, when I can know how much I'll make at the end of the month, and when the company I work for insures me and pays me a decent wage!

Pennies

I'm frustrated... still.

I'm broke. I made $580 in two weeks. Two weeks of getting up at 4:30am, two weeks of frequent 12 hour days. My rent is $625. In less than two weeks, I have no place to live.

So here are my options:

1. Get a new job.
2. Keep my current job and get another job.
3. Move away.
4. Sell photos online.
5. Start a kids program.

I can't believe how incredibly hard I've been working for such little pay, with a college degree! Chris and I just looked at the job listings in the paper for a better opportunity... a Wine Club Manager was the only appealing job.

I think my best resources right now are my clients... the business owners, the web designers... surely they must see potential in me.

I was on the verge of tears all day after getting my paycheck. It's just not right. I don't even make half of the personal training rates the club charges... not even half. That in combo with the commute is leaving me with a bad headache and knots in my stomach.

In the meantime, it's the time of year for parties... bdays, wine festivals, beer fest, blues fest, coworkers leaving... all which requires money. At least I have a good excuse for staying in as often as I do.

When does it get easier?

Glass

I long for the days of endless sun, when I'd turn my phone off and day dream. He'd spend hours searching for me, knowing the general area I would bask in the light of day. The surprise of seeing my love find my lounging body in the middle of nowhere was blissful.

I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but I knew he loved me. He loved every ounce of who I was, and what I represented. I could do no wrong. In his eyes, there was no other woman on earth.

We'd spend late nights drinking fabulous bottles of wine, staring into the eyes reflecting our own beauty. A truely disfunctional pairing it was, looking back... and I think I always knew it, but knowing his love, made me think we'd survive anything.

They were days of invincibility, days of triumph, of romance, of passion. I almost wish I'd never tasted it, so that every other taste was bearable... but nothing is so sweet. Nothing feels so blissful.

Tainted now by these dreams of the past, I have built a mountain of glass around me. I am unattainable, even to those who know how to play my games. They can see in, and I can see out, but my bubble is too thick, indubitably. I know love... and this is not it.

Love is nested in those days of endless sun, rolling around on our private beach, making plans for the future as if it was close enough to reach out and touch. He was a piece of me, and I... a piece of him.

Everyone was sure we'd last... that we were the lucky ones. They'd hope I would find the strength to fly even in his arms, and that he wouldn't be seduced by a risky career move.

No longer do I search for love. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I know that when the time is right, it will find me again. I won't have a choice. The sun will find me again.

Vino Vino

Everything is tense... my shoulders, my legs, my head.

I'm started drinking a bottle of 'Big House Red' at about 1pm today. I was supposed to be at work at 2, but got my shift covered. Getting paid 8 bucks/hour didn't seem too enticing today... not with what's all in my head.

The gas was shut off again today. I found out when The Landlord's brother was standing right there. I cursed a bit, then appologized... it was in fact his brother.

Mira moved out yesterday... I am incredibly bummed. On top of that, Chris is in Washington for 5 days. I am alone, here, in this beautiful studio... tampered by the thoughts that in two weeks, I will be homeless.

I put so much into this spot on earth. Made each wall the perfect color, made each nook shed the most beautiful light into the rest of the room. All of this I will leave behind.

I am getting tired. Tired of uncertainty, tired of the odd hours, tired of not sleeping until at least 6am, tired of dust settling too soon after cleaning. I know my will is strong, but there are so many little things that have gotten under my skin. I try so hard to stay positive, and to the outside world, I am. But inside I'm swirling down a rabbit hole, so confused by what is, and even more by what isn't.

So, today I will clean, and hopefully brush some of this uncertainty away. Being frustrated isn't going to help anything. The more I think of it, the more moving away has a seductive scent.

Numb Day

It's almost 1am and I've got an hurting back, but too much energy to sleep. A lot has happened in the last week or so.

I decided to finally explain to the Landlord how the situation in the house actually is. You see, he's moved back in, after being gone for almost a year, to a household that isn't too fond of him. And this is all with good reason. He's been disrespectful and irresponsible for quite some time, and the fact that he's noisy is icing on the cake. No need for details, but when Mira was sleeping on my couch, I knew the situation had gone on too long.

I was the only person in a position to say anything. Chris works with him, Mira is 18 years old... and frankly a bit terrified of him. So I sucked it up, and in the most gentle way, wrote a very direct email, and gave my 30 day notice.

That was that... so I thought. The next day, I had my early morning appointments, came home for a short while and started to leave to go back to work. I backed into the solar sign (the company both Chris and the Landlord work for) and it flew up and shattered my back window. Hmm. Ok. Karma?

I caught a ride into town, reshuffled my next day and worked for another 6 hours. I got a call while I was working from Mira... crying. Apparently the Landlord came home and 'chewed her out' about how she was sensitive to noise, blah, blah... and basically made her break down and call her mom to rescue her next week. It just wasn't necessary.

So I get home, comfort her... Chris, Mira, Ray and I walk with Tay to get burritos... something to soothe our shitty day. When I get home, I'm working on my 4th grade lesson for the next day when my dad calls and informs me that grandma is in the hospital, and was recessitated in an ambulance a few days prior. I haven't seen her in probably ten years, and because I can't take the time off of work, and an extended weekend doesn't justify the situation financially for the paternal side... I probably won't get to see her again, unless I can come up with the cash to fly to Naples. Fat chance, seeing as I'm not even making enough to live of off... especially at $3.49 per gallon.

Oh, and I didn't get that house. They didn't want a dog... and I can't abandon my prince.

I feel like all day I was just numb to everything going on. I didn't cry, I didn't complain... I just kind of chuckled to myself, waiting for what was next... I just couldn't feel. When it rains it pours.

Anyway, on a lighter note, things at work are going great. My client base is growing quickly, and I'm feeling really good about the difference I am making in people's lives. I really care about helping people, and I know it shows in my work.

Now, I'm in San Jose, almost ready to sleep. I just went to see Steel Magnolius (is that spelled right?) because Lilly was playing Oiser. All the fam, from coast to coast is here... at least the fam I grew up with. It's nice to be around people who just love me... who just really love me.

I should sleep... I'm cooking brunch for 15 in the morning :) I'm thinking cinnamon-banana flax pancakes, tofu veggie curry scramble, egg veggie scramble, fresh pineapple and apples, home made scones... I'll just go with it. I love to cook.