4 more months

Soccer may still be my crack, but our games have been cancelled the last 3 weeks due to rain. Blah. This weekend is supposed to be nice until Monday, game night. It's 6AM and I'm drinking coffee and working on school stuff... the two boys are jumping around my desk. OK just the puppy, Tay is patiently hanging out, waiting for the sun to come up so we can walk.

I'm ready to be done with school but so fearful that I won't get a job. I will get a job, I will get a job. I'm listing my resources and trying to think of every industry I'm qualified for, interested in and that pays a living wage. I've quadrupled my debt in the last year by joining this MBA program and I'd like to think my earning potential has improved, some. I know this is still the central coast of California... but I'm optimistic. I'm realizing that I may just need to start my own company to make a good living here, although that means I will probably struggle for a while first.

Anyhow, I'm trying to stay hopeful, and at least I'm pretty distracted. Duke is awesome, he's an absolute handful but he's awesome, and Taylor is being so patient, too patient in fact. There are times I wish he would snap back at Duke and teach him a lesson... but he rarely does. He even lets Duke take toys out of his mouth, share the water bowl at the same time and steal his food! I know, my dog, Taylor! This was unheard of. He gets a lot more play time with Duke around which I know he likes, but he is also constantly tested.

So, 4 more months. I'm done July 4th in China... but I need to work right when I get back because my bank balance will be at zero, maybe below a few grand. Urgh.

Soccer is my crack

You couldn't peel the grin off my face tonight. We (2 fellow MBAs and myself) played our first co-ed recreation game tonight. I LOVE soccer. I have been pumped for weeks, especially today. I juggled outside for a while with Tay... my heart racing.

I'm definitely not in sprinting shape right now, but this is some motivation! It's all the things I loved about soccer without the pressure. It's completely chill. Love it. I already got invited to play on the Sunday women's league... I'm going to wait until fall, but this is it; this is my crack. Every inch of my body was trained to play soccer... and I freaking love it.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Finance? Accounting? Oh a midterm in the morning, but I'm still smiling :) School doesn't suck as bad when your mind is chasing a ball for an hour!

Crickety crack.

Which one is worse: accounting or finance?

Now it's a toss up... is accounting or finance worse? Urgh. I love this program, but some of this material is frustrating.

We went to Guadalupe last night and watched the fights in the theater: BJ Penn and GSP as the main even. It's the studio Sam records music in, an old movie theater. With HD and surround sound, it's pretty cool. I love watching MMA, which is surprising to many including myself. Truth be told, I love watching anyone do anything well. These guys are conditioned beyond belief! Flexible, quick, strong, it's amazing.

Today is the Super Bowl. I'm still deciding if I'm going to watch it. I have a ton of work to do, and neither of the teams thrill me.

Sunshine Day

Accounting still sucks, but everything else is great. I've done all my other homework for the weekend and it's 3 on Saturday... and I have Monday off. But that accounting shit. That will take me all day, at least one day.

It's a beautiful day in California... we've had 70+ degree weather for at least a week. We're working on our tans here in Cali. Oh, global warming. I'm glad I'm on this end, not on the cold end! Sorry for you sub-zero weather people out there. Move somewhere warm.

I'm counting down the months until this program is over, but truth is, I love it. I love school now. But that money thing... hmmm, well, I'll think about it later.

The puppy comes in about a month, I'm super excited. Taylor gets a little brother, or a son, we'll see what roles they play. Sam and I have already figured out the feeding/walking/attention schedule. Equipment is being acquired... we're almost there. I took Tay to the vet yesterday... $250 dollars later we learn he's A-OK, but then another $250 and he'll have clean teeth, oh and another $50 for a winter shave. Love my dog.

Sunshine with Tay and a puppy on the way. I have no complaints.

Accounting Sucks

I better change my attitude, but right this moment, I hate it.

I'm tired... I don't want to watch anymore class online. Having two different professors lecture the same subject for the same credits is lame.

I just need to bitch. URGH.

As of now, I love accounting. I love accounting. I love accounting... well maybe tomorrow.

Sunday

I've started to become more and more fond of Sundays. I love what I'm studying, yet rarely have quite enough time to study it... Fridays I catch up on my week and start homework. Saturday I study, but keeping in mind I have one more day... and Sunday, well it's game time.

Long hours of reading case studies and highlighting chapters have become all too comforting. May I remind you that this is the end of week 1 of this quarter. It's good to back in the swing of things, to have the structure and challenges posed by school.

I've been feeling good lately... well balanced, strong and HIGHLY caffeinated. Maybe I'm drinking too much coffee...? But I love it, I need it. It's my rocket fuel, my ticket to ride, my friend. Hmmm, I wonder if this is an addiction for life. We'll see.

Last night was the brightest full moon of the year, it was like a flashlight! Sam, Tay and I played outside on the empty streets. Sam on his skateboard, me running in flip flops and no bra (not a good idea) and Tay with his favorite toy in his mouth (the tennis ball ring). Good times. I love this man... and it keeps getting better. We have survived an unconventional and broken beginning that has paid off to a beautiful present time.

Well back to studying. I'm reading The Essentials of Negotiation and Learning with Cases. Fun!

Goodbye 2008. Hello 2009!

Class went well. It felt good to be back on sacred ground. I was immediately welcomed with smiles-which was so nice. A few of my old students came, knowing I was going to be there... and a few students remembered me, happy for the surprise.

I miss my own classes though. I miss having my regular clan, ready to play on their mats. I love teaching, but I never again want to need the money it brings.

Of course I stumbled on a few of my words, but shocking to me, many of them came right back, as if I'd never left them.

A few more days until Winter Quarter begins... then Spring Quarter, then China and India... then? Then I answer that question I'm sure everyone will continue to ask... "what next?" Right now, I don't know.

All I can do is set my positive intentions for the new year and hang on as it unravels. Life is good. 2008 was a good year, a hard year, but a good year. I feel like I made the right decision to go back to school, no doubt.

Ending the year with yoga...

I'm on my way to teach a New Year's Eve morning yoga class. My nerves are going crazy! I haven't taught since August, which seems like an eternity.

I'm prepared, as usual, as used to be usual. No class written, but ideas and music. Then we just let it flow :) I'm tighter and weaker than I once was, but also smarter... weird trade off.

We'll see how class goes today... I'm optimistic, I'll have fun, hopefully someone will show up!

pre-Christmas update

Saturday. Normally I would be jumping for joy except Saturday is just like Monday thru Friday this week. Ahh, the joys of vacation. I did reach an important state a few days ago... boredom. I hate being bored, and in reality there are tons of things I want to do, but it's more of the lacking motivation boredom... "I don't HAVE to do anything RIGHT NOW so I won't do anything," but then boredom paralyzes all movement. Probably a necessary process in life.

I've been enjoying my creative side this break... drawing, making ornaments and decoupage. I won't say more until after Christmas because most of this work is going towards presents. Last night I saw Slumbdog Millionaire, which was awesome. Such a great love story... based on three kids who lived in the slums of Mumbai, orphaned by violence. I love going to the movies. It could be one of my favorite things to do, right now I guess... in the cold of winter, California cold I know, but still chilly for us Cali natives.

The Musician and I are doing really well. He's looking at adopting a furry friend this winter... which is exciting! There isn't a day I regret having Taylor, not one day.

I'll leave to see my family in a few days, so now is the time to really prepare for Christmas. I'm only doing presents for a very select few this year... and making most of them myself, or taking things right out of my closet. I think I can only do that for sister and mom :)

The end of break will creep up quickly. I need to be sure to order books, read, blog, watch my assigned videos, etc. I have a lot due at the end of next quarter in addition to my 4 classes (which are all super intense) so I best get a move on!

Until then, I'll enjoy my evenings of crafting, listening to George Wintson and watching candles burn. I should probably throw more yoga into that mix too :)

Finally Finals

Finals are over. I performed less than I'd hoped to... I procrastinated a few days and then got really sick--food poisoning. I think I'll still do well because I was pretty consistent and dedicated all quarter.

I'm now writing my book review of The Post American World by Fareed Zakaria and updating my other blog... my Chindia Blog.

I hope to post more over the break. Seemingly, I have 3 weeks off, but a ton of stuff to do--school and otherwise. Probably time to start thinking about Christmas too.

It's time again to empty things out;
time again to scrape the sides,
to apply some heavy abrasives
...and soon enough,
re-adjust the settings and walk on.

running doctors

I love running. This week I've had some fabulous runs... there is nothing that makes me feel better... well, maybe a few things. I'm starting to enjoy being a student again, truly, only this is about the time in the quarter for burn out: week 7. Two midterms next week and two the following with projects, homework, papers, teamwork, etc. I love it. It gives me a purpose, a grand purpose; I get to learn from individuals who have dedicated their lives to this information. They lead me in the right direction and test my knowledge. It's amazing. If only I had this perspective the first go-round!

I started to consider a doctorate degree today... there is much time yet to come, and I will probably work to pay off debt for quite some time, but I'm not ruling it out just yet as a possibility.

So I'm off to study... yes, at 6:27PM on a Saturday night. I wouldn't have to if I didn't spend so much time cleaning today or if I didn't go to Magic Mountain yesterday! But a clean house makes for a clean mind, and riding roller coasters is well, just fun :)

OK, I'm back...

It's been less than two months and I miss writing... actually I've been writing, a lot in fact, just not here on my trusty blog. After trying to figure out how to save this blog in my personal archives, I found myself just wanting to write again. So, I'm trying again.

I did come to a realization that my processing can be quite negative. I feel like that's how I know how to process, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way. So my goal is to write from the heart, but also to keep my glass half full.

By now I think I may have lost most of my readers, and maybe that's a good thing? If you do read my blog... enjoy it, but keep the judgements to a minimum please. I learn as I write, and will continue to learn my entire life.

So, I'm back. We'll see how it goes... and this could be proof that stubborn people can come around, eventually.

Processing and Negativity: a bad thing?

I started writing when I was very young--mostly as a tool to process my life. As it turns out, I'm more likely to write when I need to process or purge something making the tone of my writing often times negative.

Some may think the tone of my blog over the years has been negative, but my question is... is all processing negative?

I was raised under the impression that to have a healthy relationship, everything must be on the table, and that's the rule I've lived by for many years. I'm learning that there are certain relationships that require severe filters with certain information; it's not always in every person's best interest to know ALL the facts.

I'm learning to keep my own processing inside, or rather to my own processes. I've felt sort of exposed lately. Too many people not only know intimate details of my life, but have intense opinions of what's right or wrong. That taints my true intention and final actions. And really, when people know my issues, they bring them up... bringing me into processing mode, when I'm really there enough on my own.

So in my overly open world of communication, this girl is learning to shut her mouth.

Two of my biggest fears are that I will

1. Be a hypochondriac
2. View the world glass half empty

Now, I'm a very self critical person who strives for perfection--always have. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it means I process more than most; I critique myself more than most. That means that if anyone else criticizes me--it hits the nerves of issues I've already scrutinized myself for.

Being a hypochondriac: Yes, I know a lot about health, and that keeps me striving for perfection. If I have a little pain, I strive to fix it. If I have a little indigestion or inflammation, I strive to fix it. Does this make me a hypochondriac? No. It means I address the issues at hand, maybe with a finer microscope than most. I am proactive about my body, I don't just complain.

Glass half empty: I think I portray the opposite, but when too many people know my shit, the conversation becomes about my issues--glass half empty conversation. I live in California, what could be so bad?! Yes, I have certain issues, everyone does. On the other side of the globe, people work twice as hard for 1/2 the pay and 1/10 of the recognition. Woe is me--not. I know my life is good, but again, it comes back to this perfectionist in me.

Should I just become comfortable with status quo? A moderate amount of pain, indigestion, anxiety and just be happy? If it was only that easy... and is anyone ever genuinely happy, or is it a continuum? Am I eating myself alive for never being happy with my circumstances or wanting more? Is it EVER going to be perfect?

And P.S. I don't write because I want anyone else to answer these questions, again, it's processing. MY process. Maybe my blog should vanish and help me regain a certain amount of privacy again. I'll sleep on it.

MBA Week Two

After a 3 day weekend, it's much harder to build momentum at school... although I did meet with my group every day this weekend to work on our numerous projects and presentations.

We presented a chapter of Crossing the Chasm, a book on how new businesses sink or swim. I compared the idea of crossing over from an early market base to a mainstream market to that of D Day, where the US troops and its allies crossed the English Channel to the Beachhead in Normandy. In business terms, securing their niche market, allowing them to explore other market segments and eventually dominating the mainstream market, or Liberating France from the Germans... anyway, it was a fun analogy to present.

We've also been researching and promoting a new technology for a local company (which I can't really talk or write about). That's been pretty cool too. The industry in which the technology is looking to emerge is booming, and the product has potential. I'm the pretend CEO of our company, and we're asking investors for only a million to get us started in production and marketing, once the prototype is perfected that is.

What else... a business case brief and executive summary on a company called E Ink who is behind the technology of E Books. They make a pliable electronic ink paper like product that can easily load information... we have to predict their survival... but the Harvard case we're basing our papers off of was written in 2005, and well, we all know the company survived and is doing well.

Anyway, I'm doing some fun things, having a good time. Still, it's a lot of work, but things should calm down once Fall quarter starts and boot camp ends. This group of 30 or so students will remain like family through this process, I have a feeling. There's something about suffering that can really bond people.

I'm off to redraft, then sleep. The additional research I was going to do tonight must wait until that 6 AM hour, when my mind seems to be much more clear than after 8 PM. Sad, I know. When the sun goes down, so do I, which is why winter months are so difficult! I become a bear hibernating :)

And how gorgeous is the moon tonight!? At 12% of full, there was just a faint sliver in the sky with the setting sun... pinks and purples, the silhouette of Mt. Madonna and the new baby moon. There's nothing really that can put me in a better mood. That in combination with walking my Tay, sipping good earth tea and talking to an awesome friend, makes for a happy girl.

Oh yes, redraft, research...

MBA Boot Camp Day Two

I am 2 days deep into my MBA program and loving it. The preparation I did before school began has really put me into a comfortable space. Don't get me wrong, there is a TON of work to do, but having read those 1000 pages ahead of time, I feel good about it, and I'm really having fun... all but the exception of my butt in a hard chair for 8 hours/day. Both professors are great about giving us breaks every hour or two, in which I walk up and down the steps of the business building.

I am by far learning in the most beautiful building on campus, and with an amazing group of students. The group is diverse, with people from every walk of life. I love it.

My group members for this 3 week session are a mid twenties woman who studied Avian Sciences (yes, birds-mostly poultry) from Sacramento, and a guy who grew up on the East Side in Manhattan, who speaks 4 languages and lived in Rome for a few years, among other places. It's a trip hearing everyone's stories about how any why they got to this point. I stick out like a sore thumb, needless to say. My Technology and Commercialization professor smiles at me as I talk about health technology... they've found if removing one of the essential amino acids from the diet, it results in rapid weight loss. Hello obesity epidemic! It wasn't published which one, but I think I'll email the researcher.

I'm being proactive, except for the 1/2 hour I'm typing this blog, I've spent all my time 100% focussed in order to get things done quickly and efficiently. I am a different student then I once was, I'm eager to be there and to learn and holy smokes is this great stuff! It also provides that structure I was so badly lacking in my life... one place to put energy into.

I've stepped down from my roles in supporting others; my oh my does that feel good for once. I love to spread wellness and happiness, but I don't think I was happy in my situation. I need to take care of myself first before I can touch others and not be a bitter betty.

So, I'm a happy girl... a busy but happy student. Maybe I'll just keep going to school after this... a PhD?! Mind you, this is day two... I must keep the momentum up :) 10 months I've committed to, and 10 months I'll kick butt at.

Anxiety Central

Nerves nerves and more nerves.

The start of my school year consists of a 3 week intensive session, two classes that regularly run 11 weeks, shoved into 8 hours per day, 5 days per week. That's 40 hours in class, and the professors advise planning on 2 hours of homework per hour spent in class. That adds up to 24 hours per day.

I'm waiting on my 6 books in the mail, of which I have to complete one entire book and many reading assignments before my first day.

I quit my job at the city, and quit teaching yoga. I have 5 more work days at the city before departure and a lot of work to do. I'm still waiting to hear back from financial aid about how much money they will loan and grant me. Their first offer just wasn't enough, and was based off of my last tax year, in which I made almost 4X what I did this past year. Hopefully with more information they'll be able to grant me some free money. What a thought!

I'm glad I worked the city job for a year, but it was devastating financially. The employees are bummed I'm leaving to say the least, but I'm setting the next person up for ultimate success, I think. She'll have all her contacts, procedures, all the information I've used and created the last year at her fingertips. I feel like the last year I really made a sacrifice, and that now is coming to an end. I'm entirely focussing on myself and my studies, for the first time in a very long time.

But I'm so nervous, my voice has been shaking, spontaneously crying, and I'm just not well put together. I can do it. I've made it this far, no use in turning back. That was my philosophy running up Madonna last night, only that story ended with me running downhill in pitch black with adrenaline pumping and fear of mountain lions.

Take a breath, ready go!

I made the cut. By next June I will have an MBA from Cal Poly! Until then, it's canned food student loans and no play money.

BUT FIRST, it's 9 nights at Pinecrest Lake, the best place on earth with all those on the planet I love the most!!

Wahooie!

A small breather and then school starts on the 25th of August! What did I get myself into?!

it's go time

My exam is tomorrow morning, bright and early in Santa Maria. I took a practice test yesterday and scored well enough (I think) to be admitted. I do know there are 5 spots left and the decision must be made by the 1st of August, which is in 4 days.

The next few days will be crucial in determining the next year of my life. Friday I head to Big Sur for Sandy's bachelorette and then up to Pinecrest for a good long 9 nights of bliss. Maybe then back to City Hall to wrap up my job or just back to the grind. We'll see how it goes, but I could be starting my program as soon as August 25th, yikes!

My back hurts. I'm stressed and tired and anxious. Tomorrow, at least I should know either way. The wait is almost over.

GMAT to MBA

Graduate School, Graduate School, Graduate School.
I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm strong, I can, I will.

It's too easy for me to get distracted from studying for this GMAT test. In the grand scheme of things, it's a big test, but I CAN DO WELL. It has been over 3 years since I've really studied or been held accountable, especially during free time.

I'm scared though. My bank account is growing smaller each month that goes by, steadily. I know in the next 2 months, there needs to be a drastic shift. I either need to get a new full time job or go back to school. I'm aiming for school and in the event I somehow cannot pass this test, I will make do and find a real job, even if it's not perfect. I cannot and will not struggle for much longer... it wrecks me mentally.

I spent the last two days studying math and english just as I spent years doing. It will all come back, and I will be successful.

I just mapped out the last 12 or so weeks of marathon training, and out popped the mantra I used last year for my training and race, I'm strong, I can, I will. It came to me on mile 21 of a 23 mile run where my mom and I were so delirious, we lost the car. I volunteered to spring ahead (yes after that many miles) and drive to get her. The rhythm of my breathing and the rhythm of the mantra matched up perfectly. And I WAS strong, I COULD do it, and I did it... then and now.