I slept in today, and I wasn't supposed to. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an early morning person anymore... not unless it's for my own benefit. I feel less stressed in general, after being pretty sick from last week's stress attack, and realize again that I can only do so much.
I'm wondering if this past weekend's 2 day cold was allergy related? I haven't had issues in the past, but the pollen in the air is thick. Venessa would be in agony.
I took Tay to the beach today after work. I almost took a surfboard, but took running shoes instead. That's the last time I won't bring both! The surf was perfect for me... little, clean, warm. The perfect wave. I imagine evening surf is going to be pretty good for a while... and I can't think of a better way to end my day.
Tay and I played soccer for about 3 miles. We'd switch off offense and defense, until we needed to gain some serious yardage. It was such good training to just run with the ball at my feet. It brings me back about 10 years :O)
I didn't bring my camera tonight, but it was one of those nights; warm breeze, pink sky, picture perfect. The clouds even have a way of perfectly framing the view, it's like they were only intended to be there... no where else.
After our run, I remembered what my live blood analysis doctor had said about releasing through cold water on the feet. I HAD to go in the ocean! After a brief dip, I could feel my body sigh. It only wanted to cool itself, and all that the day brought was heat.
I'm remembering how good this ocean feels, and plan to be in it as much as possible.... indefinately.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
STRESS case
Today is Friday, thank the lord. Carrie covered for me this morning, so I didn't have to wake up at 5am. I actually had time for breakfast, a quick jog with Tay, tea, shower and time to write! What a difference in the day it makes.
Yesterday I got a little stressed out. We had a speaker ALL DAY paid for by the club (although since I'm not on salary, I missed my day's pay) who talked about machines, research and concepts we already are quite familiar with. It was interesting--YES, to get 50 athletic minded people in the same room at the same time, but he kept saying things like, "well since I'm not very smart..." or "not having that 180 point IQ..." It really just made me think to myself, well, why the f**k am I wasting my day listening to YOUR expertise?
Anyway, during the meeting I was making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. Prioritizing, categorizing... they would have been so simple to just knock out! But NO, I had to listen to Mr. Insecure about his knowledge all day. So 4pm rolls around and I'm completely overwhelmed, not just because I've got my hands in so many project pots, but because in less than a month I ship out for an unpaid 5 weeks. There is a lot of prep work to be done to train someone in on my position, making sure all my clients keep their appointments with an alternate trainer... prep work like crazy.
So I decided to walk away and go to yoga. That could calm me down, right? Well little did I know, there's a place you can get yourself that's TOO stressed for yoga. I couldn't calm my breath, I couldn't relax into my poses. I couldn't think, and my dislocated wrist was killing me. Oh yeah, I slowly, over about a month's time dislocated my wrist... so that puts me out of my training certification this weekend, and out $300 bucks.
Anyway, then a friend calls and wants to have a business meeting in the morning. Then Betsy calls and tells me that she's disappointed that I didn't do her linens and water the plants, but she never specified that she wanted me to do any of it! I was literally there 3 nights while she was gone, but I guess I wasn't as 'adult' as she wanted me to be. It just snowballed.
Finally Ray and I rode our cruisers downtown and ran a few errands and caught part of SLO's Film Festival on Surfing. I paid $45 for two of us, which was fine, for a good cause. The first movie they showed I'd seen 10 times, and since I thought I was waking up early for my client, I skipped out before the 2nd. That's one expensive movie!
I also committed to house sit free of charge for a coworker, and went over to check out the situation. She's got fish, 3 dogs, one of which has pancreas issues, another one with SEVERE aggression issues, two cats, one with diabetes, the other secludes itself... and I guess that's all. They all get different diets/medications. Whew. Good thing I've got so much free time.
So I guess the point of the story is to not bite off more than you can chew. I guess it's time for me to realize that my plate is full and not to take on extra projects. It's just managing what I've already committed to that may drive me insane.
Sorry if you read all my bitching. I guess sometimes I just need it.
Yesterday I got a little stressed out. We had a speaker ALL DAY paid for by the club (although since I'm not on salary, I missed my day's pay) who talked about machines, research and concepts we already are quite familiar with. It was interesting--YES, to get 50 athletic minded people in the same room at the same time, but he kept saying things like, "well since I'm not very smart..." or "not having that 180 point IQ..." It really just made me think to myself, well, why the f**k am I wasting my day listening to YOUR expertise?
Anyway, during the meeting I was making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. Prioritizing, categorizing... they would have been so simple to just knock out! But NO, I had to listen to Mr. Insecure about his knowledge all day. So 4pm rolls around and I'm completely overwhelmed, not just because I've got my hands in so many project pots, but because in less than a month I ship out for an unpaid 5 weeks. There is a lot of prep work to be done to train someone in on my position, making sure all my clients keep their appointments with an alternate trainer... prep work like crazy.
So I decided to walk away and go to yoga. That could calm me down, right? Well little did I know, there's a place you can get yourself that's TOO stressed for yoga. I couldn't calm my breath, I couldn't relax into my poses. I couldn't think, and my dislocated wrist was killing me. Oh yeah, I slowly, over about a month's time dislocated my wrist... so that puts me out of my training certification this weekend, and out $300 bucks.
Anyway, then a friend calls and wants to have a business meeting in the morning. Then Betsy calls and tells me that she's disappointed that I didn't do her linens and water the plants, but she never specified that she wanted me to do any of it! I was literally there 3 nights while she was gone, but I guess I wasn't as 'adult' as she wanted me to be. It just snowballed.
Finally Ray and I rode our cruisers downtown and ran a few errands and caught part of SLO's Film Festival on Surfing. I paid $45 for two of us, which was fine, for a good cause. The first movie they showed I'd seen 10 times, and since I thought I was waking up early for my client, I skipped out before the 2nd. That's one expensive movie!
I also committed to house sit free of charge for a coworker, and went over to check out the situation. She's got fish, 3 dogs, one of which has pancreas issues, another one with SEVERE aggression issues, two cats, one with diabetes, the other secludes itself... and I guess that's all. They all get different diets/medications. Whew. Good thing I've got so much free time.
So I guess the point of the story is to not bite off more than you can chew. I guess it's time for me to realize that my plate is full and not to take on extra projects. It's just managing what I've already committed to that may drive me insane.
Sorry if you read all my bitching. I guess sometimes I just need it.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Best Chair Ever
I'm ironically sitting in the same spot as I was last week, the relax-the-back chair. I took 1/2 of Monday off, giving me two full days to unwind and relax.
I needed it. The last 2 weeks have been oh so stressful. It seems like I've reached the calm after the storm... finally.
I'm thinking about how I can start to work for myself more... how I can keep my own interest in mind as I'm working for others. I think it's about keeping records and notes of the things I'm doing, and also taking the time to ensure my basic needs are being met.
It's been hard not having a home. I've been staying with Betsy, which is absolutely great, about half the time, and with Ray the other half. Even though both places are cozy (especially with Ray's new bed and cookware) they aren't MY home. They don't have my things and my energy, only a small space. The detachment lesson is huge though, for that I am thankful.
I did get to the point last week of not having a place to go... Betsy had houseguests in her guest room, where I've been staying, and Ray and I were NOT getting along. It was the worst feeling in the world. So bad, that I looked on Craigs list the next day for rooms to rent for a few weeks. I drove around aimlessly, prepared to show up on a friend's doorstep, or at worst, sleep in my car. Thankfully Ray and I worked it out. Next time I'll just get a hotel room.
I'm getting excited about New York, and for that matter all that lies ahead. I'm excited about where I am and how I've established myself... and I hope that I can keep my head glued on tight enough to ride this wave for a length of time.
Figuring out how to vacation and get paid is my question. Maybe to find clients who travel and vacation... a high roller who needs a trainer to come along for the ride and keep their body in check?
I guess after watching The Secret, I just need to figure out what I want and ask for it... create the vision.
Perhaps it's time to explore this option...
I needed it. The last 2 weeks have been oh so stressful. It seems like I've reached the calm after the storm... finally.
I'm thinking about how I can start to work for myself more... how I can keep my own interest in mind as I'm working for others. I think it's about keeping records and notes of the things I'm doing, and also taking the time to ensure my basic needs are being met.
It's been hard not having a home. I've been staying with Betsy, which is absolutely great, about half the time, and with Ray the other half. Even though both places are cozy (especially with Ray's new bed and cookware) they aren't MY home. They don't have my things and my energy, only a small space. The detachment lesson is huge though, for that I am thankful.
I did get to the point last week of not having a place to go... Betsy had houseguests in her guest room, where I've been staying, and Ray and I were NOT getting along. It was the worst feeling in the world. So bad, that I looked on Craigs list the next day for rooms to rent for a few weeks. I drove around aimlessly, prepared to show up on a friend's doorstep, or at worst, sleep in my car. Thankfully Ray and I worked it out. Next time I'll just get a hotel room.
I'm getting excited about New York, and for that matter all that lies ahead. I'm excited about where I am and how I've established myself... and I hope that I can keep my head glued on tight enough to ride this wave for a length of time.
Figuring out how to vacation and get paid is my question. Maybe to find clients who travel and vacation... a high roller who needs a trainer to come along for the ride and keep their body in check?
I guess after watching The Secret, I just need to figure out what I want and ask for it... create the vision.
Perhaps it's time to explore this option...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Yummy Yoga
I headed home, to the nest. It was Saturday afternoon, rainy, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to create that ever-so-healthy environment I used to have in my own space. I will not sit around and waste my life away. I will not do nothing when there is work to be done. I will not just ly down and die and think that I didn't work as hard as I could have towards those things for which I am passionate.
So I made it here, after 3 hours of pouring down rain. I didn't care about the gas money, nor Taylor on my new leather, nor the weather outside. I needed to get away, and fast. It's not that anything is particularly wrong right now, but rather, nothing is particularly right. You know, the kind of right that makes you lose sleep because you just can't separate yourself from that passion--whether it be a person, a book, a puzzle, a question... I just can't find it.
I briefly watched Oprah talk about "The Secret" when I arrived. From what I gather, the secret is about like attracting like, or create what you wish in your life and like will attract to you. I agreed with Oprah... she said that's how she's always lived her life, and didn't know it was a secret! I think that I too live a pro-active kind of life and I know that if I don't create what I want, it rarely appears.
So, here I sit, in the 'relax the back' chair. My mom, Larry and I went to a killer dynamic yoga class this morning. The teacher took a liking to me. He was from India, and boy did he smile! I started to think about what it was exactly in each powerful teacher I'd come across that made me anxious for more.
Jennifer was my first REAL teacher, and she exposed me to the world of Ashtanga. Her presence was strong, adjustments delightful, and knowledge broad. Then there was Amy, who taught Nia. She allowed a blank canvas for personal expression, a non-judgemental environment, and play! Oh how I love love to play in my own skin!
I practiced with Alyson for a few weeks before she left for India, and I think she was one of my favorites by far. She provided laughter to yoga... it was light easy laughter. The poses were challenging, the class still moved along, but that smile felt so good on my face. She didn't intimidate; she came from such a strong loving place, you couldn't help but to just think of her as a great person. She wouldn't get into poses just to show you that she was capable, and related to things sometimes being hard!
Then I caught a few weeks of Peter before he moved to Santa Monica. I felt like I'd entered a secret society. I had dabbled in and out of classes since my teens, but had always been seeking more. Peter was what was more. His students were serious, capable, dedicated, and friendly. He taught in a small room in a church, hidden from the world. His style is dynamic, he articulates very well exactly how to move, and challenges your strength... physical, mental, emotional. With a handful of these classes, I felt like I'd entered a whole new realm of yoga. He taught a class up above Cayucos in the mountains which I can only describe as epic. He built an outdoor stage under this enormous oak. Of course I got lost and was late, and ended up practicing at his feet, at the very front of the stage. The wind whistled past us, the practice was brilliant, the woods almost came alive to assist us in our asanas. I remember getting into headstand, knowing that falling forward or backwards was not an option; I knew I had to nail it. I did... and as soon as I turned upside down, I saw the oak, in clear view, completely balanced and centered, and the wind... cool and calm flowing past us all upside down. Oh so powerful.
I think that's what it is about brilliant instructors, they allow a blank enough canvas, just enough guidance, but assist in creating some of the most powerful, clean and clear energy to bathe in.
Tawny's classes are amazing as well. She uses the most precise articulation to really evoke internal energy. Her music selections are brilliant, and have brought tears to my eyes. She's a feeler, and in her practice, I can see her feel what she teaches... without judgement, without forcing it, by just being open and present. What a class; what an amazing goddess of yoga :O)
And there are more... the more I write the more I think about the influence brilliant teacher have had in my life. Hana's creativity, the other Jenna's discipline. The list goes on and on. Jillian Pransky at Omega, Gabrielle Roth and her 5 rhythms of movement. I know in the first exposure if I meet a teacher who I want to learn more from. But what is it? What is it that captivates the attention of like minds, so much that you make that class a priority. If you're tired, sleep deprived, hung over, aching, wound up too tight, what PULLS YOU to that class?
It must be a secret.
So I made it here, after 3 hours of pouring down rain. I didn't care about the gas money, nor Taylor on my new leather, nor the weather outside. I needed to get away, and fast. It's not that anything is particularly wrong right now, but rather, nothing is particularly right. You know, the kind of right that makes you lose sleep because you just can't separate yourself from that passion--whether it be a person, a book, a puzzle, a question... I just can't find it.
I briefly watched Oprah talk about "The Secret" when I arrived. From what I gather, the secret is about like attracting like, or create what you wish in your life and like will attract to you. I agreed with Oprah... she said that's how she's always lived her life, and didn't know it was a secret! I think that I too live a pro-active kind of life and I know that if I don't create what I want, it rarely appears.
So, here I sit, in the 'relax the back' chair. My mom, Larry and I went to a killer dynamic yoga class this morning. The teacher took a liking to me. He was from India, and boy did he smile! I started to think about what it was exactly in each powerful teacher I'd come across that made me anxious for more.
Jennifer was my first REAL teacher, and she exposed me to the world of Ashtanga. Her presence was strong, adjustments delightful, and knowledge broad. Then there was Amy, who taught Nia. She allowed a blank canvas for personal expression, a non-judgemental environment, and play! Oh how I love love to play in my own skin!
I practiced with Alyson for a few weeks before she left for India, and I think she was one of my favorites by far. She provided laughter to yoga... it was light easy laughter. The poses were challenging, the class still moved along, but that smile felt so good on my face. She didn't intimidate; she came from such a strong loving place, you couldn't help but to just think of her as a great person. She wouldn't get into poses just to show you that she was capable, and related to things sometimes being hard!
Then I caught a few weeks of Peter before he moved to Santa Monica. I felt like I'd entered a secret society. I had dabbled in and out of classes since my teens, but had always been seeking more. Peter was what was more. His students were serious, capable, dedicated, and friendly. He taught in a small room in a church, hidden from the world. His style is dynamic, he articulates very well exactly how to move, and challenges your strength... physical, mental, emotional. With a handful of these classes, I felt like I'd entered a whole new realm of yoga. He taught a class up above Cayucos in the mountains which I can only describe as epic. He built an outdoor stage under this enormous oak. Of course I got lost and was late, and ended up practicing at his feet, at the very front of the stage. The wind whistled past us, the practice was brilliant, the woods almost came alive to assist us in our asanas. I remember getting into headstand, knowing that falling forward or backwards was not an option; I knew I had to nail it. I did... and as soon as I turned upside down, I saw the oak, in clear view, completely balanced and centered, and the wind... cool and calm flowing past us all upside down. Oh so powerful.
I think that's what it is about brilliant instructors, they allow a blank enough canvas, just enough guidance, but assist in creating some of the most powerful, clean and clear energy to bathe in.
Tawny's classes are amazing as well. She uses the most precise articulation to really evoke internal energy. Her music selections are brilliant, and have brought tears to my eyes. She's a feeler, and in her practice, I can see her feel what she teaches... without judgement, without forcing it, by just being open and present. What a class; what an amazing goddess of yoga :O)
And there are more... the more I write the more I think about the influence brilliant teacher have had in my life. Hana's creativity, the other Jenna's discipline. The list goes on and on. Jillian Pransky at Omega, Gabrielle Roth and her 5 rhythms of movement. I know in the first exposure if I meet a teacher who I want to learn more from. But what is it? What is it that captivates the attention of like minds, so much that you make that class a priority. If you're tired, sleep deprived, hung over, aching, wound up too tight, what PULLS YOU to that class?
It must be a secret.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Impossible to Please
It's 9:15PM, and while I'm usually asleep by now, I'm awake with a wandering mind. There are too many 'what ifs' in life. Too many forks in the road. I'm starting to wonder if I've been strong enough to choose the path best for me.
I've cut back on the amount of time spent working this week. It's putting me into the 40-50 hour range, which I think is not too shabby. Lord knows I'd love to be 'semi-retired' but I don't think I'd have the same level of fulfillment I have now. At least when I do retire, I can look back and know that I've made a difference. I used to have so much free time to write, dance, play, run, and it seems now to be obsolete.
I've started to wonder if I'm an easy person to be around... I remember a certain ex saying that it was rough due to my high expectations. I feel like I'm pretty easy going, somewhat entertaining, and I can always perform circus tricks if anyone gets bored... but really, I think I'm damn hard to please. I wonder if the problem is that I hold everyone else in my immediate circle to the level I hold myself?
I started these thoughts when a few friends questioned inviting me to a party because they didn't quite know what to feed me... and this isn't the first time my food habits were inhibiting for others. For the year that I tried the effect of meat on my body, I was accepted by the majority of people (something I wasn't used to) regarding my food choices. BUT, I felt like shit. So why would I sacrifice my own well-being to make someone else feel more comfortable about their own choice?
Let's just face it... I'm impossible to please. So am I doomed for a life alone? Will I even know it if I'm in a solid relationship? Or do I just have to meet a guy who already meets and exceeds my expectations?
I don't know why these emotions come over me... is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm a perfectionist? Should I just get over it?
I guess time will tell. At this point I'm ready to run. Where? Somewhere that can house a Taylor.
I've cut back on the amount of time spent working this week. It's putting me into the 40-50 hour range, which I think is not too shabby. Lord knows I'd love to be 'semi-retired' but I don't think I'd have the same level of fulfillment I have now. At least when I do retire, I can look back and know that I've made a difference. I used to have so much free time to write, dance, play, run, and it seems now to be obsolete.
I've started to wonder if I'm an easy person to be around... I remember a certain ex saying that it was rough due to my high expectations. I feel like I'm pretty easy going, somewhat entertaining, and I can always perform circus tricks if anyone gets bored... but really, I think I'm damn hard to please. I wonder if the problem is that I hold everyone else in my immediate circle to the level I hold myself?
I started these thoughts when a few friends questioned inviting me to a party because they didn't quite know what to feed me... and this isn't the first time my food habits were inhibiting for others. For the year that I tried the effect of meat on my body, I was accepted by the majority of people (something I wasn't used to) regarding my food choices. BUT, I felt like shit. So why would I sacrifice my own well-being to make someone else feel more comfortable about their own choice?
Let's just face it... I'm impossible to please. So am I doomed for a life alone? Will I even know it if I'm in a solid relationship? Or do I just have to meet a guy who already meets and exceeds my expectations?
I don't know why these emotions come over me... is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm a perfectionist? Should I just get over it?
I guess time will tell. At this point I'm ready to run. Where? Somewhere that can house a Taylor.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
San Simeon
Today was Super Bowl Sunday. It's been quite some time since I've written. Let's see if I can sum things up since the last time I've written...
I've been living with Ray and Betsy about half and half lately. I joke that they have 'joint custody' of me and Tay. It's actually a really good situation. Ray works Sunday to Tuesday, and I usually stay with him Wednesday to Saturday. The commute from his house is much easier than from Pismo, but man do I love seeing that ocean on the way home :o)
I finally bought my dream car, and it feels so good. I put enough money down that I can afford the monthly payments fairly easily. I do have expensive taste, and will have to make enough to sustain that.
I just recalculated my budget tonight... trying to see how much time I can realistically go to New York for. The plane tickets aren't too bad, but missing out on work will really do me in.
Last weekend my mom, sister and I met in Cambria for the first of (hopefully many) Lavender Sessions. It was a relaxing 3 day weekend that really helped me ground myself. I tell ya, work was hard to go back to after that! I could be happy and semi-retired :O)
The elephant seals were unreal! So much that I took Bets and Ray up there this past weekend. Well, and to get that yummy spicy red curry from Robins. Holy bajesus is that stuff killer!
During the Lavender Sessions, we also went to Hearst Castle. I've lived here seven years and never been. It was spectacular.
I'm not certain that all I've written makes sense, but my computer is about to run out of power, and I should be heading to bed, so I will fix it later.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Hoppy New Year
So today is New Years Eve... and I'm still acting like the Grinch. I just don't think I'm a holiday person. Tahoe was a great time, but the snow could have been better. Mom has a second degree sprain in her MCL, so that was a bummer not to haver her "happy ass" out on the slopes.
It's December, the moon is getting full... I'm not AS confused as I once was, but rather looking for opportunity in all my madness. I know there's a lesson in all of this. I know there is a reason for all of this.
I go back to work on Tuesday, and that is going to be quite the reality shock. Back to the vibrating box, urgh. I love what I do, but I may be bored, or overstimulated, or something. I'm seeking something that I'm not sure exists in SLO... maybe I travel for a while and then take on a new position somewhere. My club is opening a new facility in Paso, 30 minutes north. That'd be a commute, but something new to do... or rather somewhere new to do it in. HMMM. The more I think, the more I realize that it's all in my control. It's all a choice.
My New Year's Resolutions:
1. I'm now VEGAN... wish me luck.
2. Live simply.
3. Not work so many hours in the day so that I can't PLAY with Ray and Tay.
Amy takes off for Africa on Wednesday... and I'm so excited for her. She's going to South Africa to work in an orphanage with AIDS babies. She'll be gone for 3 months. People can be so brave and so selfless, I'm so proud of her... I just hope she comes back :O)
So now Tay, Cooper and I are chillin' out. Who knows if I'll actually make it somewhere for midnight, I'm sort of a 9pm bed goer. We'll see.
It's December, the moon is getting full... I'm not AS confused as I once was, but rather looking for opportunity in all my madness. I know there's a lesson in all of this. I know there is a reason for all of this.
I go back to work on Tuesday, and that is going to be quite the reality shock. Back to the vibrating box, urgh. I love what I do, but I may be bored, or overstimulated, or something. I'm seeking something that I'm not sure exists in SLO... maybe I travel for a while and then take on a new position somewhere. My club is opening a new facility in Paso, 30 minutes north. That'd be a commute, but something new to do... or rather somewhere new to do it in. HMMM. The more I think, the more I realize that it's all in my control. It's all a choice.
My New Year's Resolutions:
1. I'm now VEGAN... wish me luck.
2. Live simply.
3. Not work so many hours in the day so that I can't PLAY with Ray and Tay.
Amy takes off for Africa on Wednesday... and I'm so excited for her. She's going to South Africa to work in an orphanage with AIDS babies. She'll be gone for 3 months. People can be so brave and so selfless, I'm so proud of her... I just hope she comes back :O)
So now Tay, Cooper and I are chillin' out. Who knows if I'll actually make it somewhere for midnight, I'm sort of a 9pm bed goer. We'll see.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Crisis Means Opportunity
Holy cow it's been a long time! Let's see if I can bring it all up to speed quickly...
I had a birthday, threw a great party, got the 30-day notice from my landlord, had tofurkey, car trouble, holiday party with too much tequila, and here we are today... I got two thrilling things!!!
1. A post office box that is adorable. They gave me #68, not 1000 and something, but 68, one of the originals!
2. A storage unit! This will inevitably be the cheapest rent EVER.
So there was my life in a nutshell. I'm pulling up my roots and moving back in with Betsy for a while. I have a few places I can go, and if those don't work, I may head back to the hub. I may have tapped out my opportunities in SLO. That's a reality I'm coming to terms with.
I'm not feeling very festive with so much preoccupation, but the fear and stress has finally lifted. I think I bottomed out last week, and now I just have to make lemonade out of lemons.
The one thing I keep thinking about is what my mom said a few days ago.
CRISIS MEANS OPPORTUNITY.
I don't want to lose steam at 24, I have to keep climbing.
I had a birthday, threw a great party, got the 30-day notice from my landlord, had tofurkey, car trouble, holiday party with too much tequila, and here we are today... I got two thrilling things!!!
1. A post office box that is adorable. They gave me #68, not 1000 and something, but 68, one of the originals!
2. A storage unit! This will inevitably be the cheapest rent EVER.
So there was my life in a nutshell. I'm pulling up my roots and moving back in with Betsy for a while. I have a few places I can go, and if those don't work, I may head back to the hub. I may have tapped out my opportunities in SLO. That's a reality I'm coming to terms with.
I'm not feeling very festive with so much preoccupation, but the fear and stress has finally lifted. I think I bottomed out last week, and now I just have to make lemonade out of lemons.
The one thing I keep thinking about is what my mom said a few days ago.
CRISIS MEANS OPPORTUNITY.
I don't want to lose steam at 24, I have to keep climbing.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Just One Day
I've written twice since the last full moon. Twice. Writing used to be my outlet, but at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen, or even put any energy out that doesn't directly enhance my quality of life.
I've had a hard time keeping up lately. I don't think I've had a real day off in over a month. Between pilates, wedding, pilates, Florida, birthdays, etc., I haven't seen much of myself lately.
I can't even keep my eyes open...
I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but the crazy thing is that a lot of people continuously live life like this. Lame.
I've had a hard time keeping up lately. I don't think I've had a real day off in over a month. Between pilates, wedding, pilates, Florida, birthdays, etc., I haven't seen much of myself lately.
I can't even keep my eyes open...
I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but the crazy thing is that a lot of people continuously live life like this. Lame.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Creation
It's Tuesday. I've seen 3 clients already, and now I await my pre-noon hike. Work is great, I'm extrememely busy with my own clients and also doing admin work. I really can't complain except that more people want my time than I have time to give. I know, it's a hard life.
So I've put together, by necessity really, some stretches for peoples hips and low back. I guess I've experimented until I've found a combination that jives particularly well.
Since stretching more clients, with some manual manipulation of muscles, and even sometimes bones... people are stoked. And think about it... if I saw a trainer doing a stretch on someone who looks to be in a trance, and they get up and walk more freely, no pain... I'd pay someone on the spot too.
So I don't want to push people away... what if I train other trainers to do this sort of thing. BUT if done wrong, there's a potential for disaster.
HMMM. I think I'll just go do more yoga. That's truly where I feel best.
It feels like I'm creating a whole new realm of training.
So I've put together, by necessity really, some stretches for peoples hips and low back. I guess I've experimented until I've found a combination that jives particularly well.
Since stretching more clients, with some manual manipulation of muscles, and even sometimes bones... people are stoked. And think about it... if I saw a trainer doing a stretch on someone who looks to be in a trance, and they get up and walk more freely, no pain... I'd pay someone on the spot too.
So I don't want to push people away... what if I train other trainers to do this sort of thing. BUT if done wrong, there's a potential for disaster.
HMMM. I think I'll just go do more yoga. That's truly where I feel best.
It feels like I'm creating a whole new realm of training.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Ram Bam Thank Ya Ma'am
There's no doubt in my mind that the moon is powerful. I've written before about how odd things happen, people from the past resurface, mental states are almost taken over by the earth's energy. It's the closest to people walking around like zombies I think we ever get on earth.
Here are two interesting moon posts:
Lunatics...
The Moon Cloud...
So I ran into Joe, of course the ram from my past... strangely enough it was 7am and I'd taken a wrong turn on my way to Big Sky to pick up breakfast for Ray and I. I didn't recognize him at first, but then stopped to say hi and meet his dog. I went into Big Sky, and 2 minutes later, he walked in after me. Weird. One of the servers still thought we were together, as she packed coffeecake in the same bag for us. Comedy.
This moon is a Taurus moon, or the moon of the ram. People for almost 5 days this time have literally been ramming into each other. At work, twice in one hour, two different people tried to steal a machine I was leaning on with a client... I'm talking setting down their towels and all, not asking. It's never happened like that once, but twice... in the same day?!
Ray and I saw a woman back into another lady at New Frontiers today, I pointed at her and screamed before it happened and she looked at me like I was crazy. Little did she know, she was on moon crack. We heard right after that that 2 minutes before, another accident happened in the same spot.
Whatever it is, there is strange, crazy energy in the world this week. Ram moon, harvest moon, start of Fall, whatever it may be, people are crazy!
I myself had a pretty insane weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I blamed it on 3+ hours Fri-Sun doing Pilates, but it was more than that. I cried for the first time in a long time, hard and uncontrollably. I thought Ray way going to freak. I'd warned him of my craziness, but he hadn't seen me like this. I also freaked out and thought there were people in my house when I was home alone.
Day after day, it just gets more twisted. I mean, I know Taurus' are intense, but who knew their moon would send waves crashing?
Here are two interesting moon posts:
Lunatics...
The Moon Cloud...
So I ran into Joe, of course the ram from my past... strangely enough it was 7am and I'd taken a wrong turn on my way to Big Sky to pick up breakfast for Ray and I. I didn't recognize him at first, but then stopped to say hi and meet his dog. I went into Big Sky, and 2 minutes later, he walked in after me. Weird. One of the servers still thought we were together, as she packed coffeecake in the same bag for us. Comedy.
This moon is a Taurus moon, or the moon of the ram. People for almost 5 days this time have literally been ramming into each other. At work, twice in one hour, two different people tried to steal a machine I was leaning on with a client... I'm talking setting down their towels and all, not asking. It's never happened like that once, but twice... in the same day?!
Ray and I saw a woman back into another lady at New Frontiers today, I pointed at her and screamed before it happened and she looked at me like I was crazy. Little did she know, she was on moon crack. We heard right after that that 2 minutes before, another accident happened in the same spot.
Whatever it is, there is strange, crazy energy in the world this week. Ram moon, harvest moon, start of Fall, whatever it may be, people are crazy!
I myself had a pretty insane weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I blamed it on 3+ hours Fri-Sun doing Pilates, but it was more than that. I cried for the first time in a long time, hard and uncontrollably. I thought Ray way going to freak. I'd warned him of my craziness, but he hadn't seen me like this. I also freaked out and thought there were people in my house when I was home alone.
Day after day, it just gets more twisted. I mean, I know Taurus' are intense, but who knew their moon would send waves crashing?
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Budge
Expressing Everyday Gratitude. That's what one of my emails was titled today. My grandfather used to say, "The Attitude is Gratitude."
Am I showing enough gratitude in my life in its present state?
The past few weeks I have been in job transition... at least in my head. I've been approached about a few intriguing projects, that seem to have some potential. I've also been negotiating for more income in my current position. The first offer was about as laughable as what I was previously being paid... the second offer is not much better. The more I fight for what I feel I deserve, the more I question my own worth.
In my heart, I know that I'm a hard working, dedicated, motivated employee... but what happens when you're working for a company in the health field that runs on a business model? They've made money on a this business model... but also in the process provided a facility to assist in changing lives for the better.
In a world where compensation is not readily offered (at least in my experience thus far) how the hell does one make a decent living? Especially when the cost of living comes pretty close to your wages?
I'm trying really hard not to judge anyone else right now. I sometimes wish I could live Ray's life... working 2 nights per week and playing 7 days per week. It's hard for me to give my all to all my clients and then come home to someone who has experienced nothing of the like all day. He keeps me sane for the most part though.
Going back to the subject of work, I almost feel as though my education, skills and experience matter very little in the grand scheme of things... I'm replaceable. BUT, I have a following. I've made a lot of people very happy in the 9 months I've been there... and that is worth thousands a month to them... even though I'm not.
Seriously, what gives?
The moon is getting fuller.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Am I showing enough gratitude in my life in its present state?
The past few weeks I have been in job transition... at least in my head. I've been approached about a few intriguing projects, that seem to have some potential. I've also been negotiating for more income in my current position. The first offer was about as laughable as what I was previously being paid... the second offer is not much better. The more I fight for what I feel I deserve, the more I question my own worth.
In my heart, I know that I'm a hard working, dedicated, motivated employee... but what happens when you're working for a company in the health field that runs on a business model? They've made money on a this business model... but also in the process provided a facility to assist in changing lives for the better.
In a world where compensation is not readily offered (at least in my experience thus far) how the hell does one make a decent living? Especially when the cost of living comes pretty close to your wages?
I'm trying really hard not to judge anyone else right now. I sometimes wish I could live Ray's life... working 2 nights per week and playing 7 days per week. It's hard for me to give my all to all my clients and then come home to someone who has experienced nothing of the like all day. He keeps me sane for the most part though.
Going back to the subject of work, I almost feel as though my education, skills and experience matter very little in the grand scheme of things... I'm replaceable. BUT, I have a following. I've made a lot of people very happy in the 9 months I've been there... and that is worth thousands a month to them... even though I'm not.
Seriously, what gives?
The moon is getting fuller.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Float
This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.
There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?
I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.
Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.
We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.
Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.
Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.
There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?
I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.
Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.
We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.
Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.
Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
If all days glowed so bright...
I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.
I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.
I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.
I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.
"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...
I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.
Oh in dreams , colored roses..."
I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.
I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.
I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.
"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...
I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.
Oh in dreams , colored roses..."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Itch the Bitch
Life is good.
Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.
He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.
I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.
Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.
It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.
Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.
On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!
Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.
Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Lost Cause
Today has been by far the strangest day in many moons. I woke up at 6:20 for my client at 6:30... not nearly enough time to think. I was only 5 minutes late, and seeing as it was my big shot lawyer, I felt pretty bad. Shit happens.
So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.
So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.
Some good news... hmmm...
I'll think about it.
Until then, some pictures to entertain.
So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.
So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.
Some good news... hmmm...
I'll think about it.
Until then, some pictures to entertain.
Wandering Mind
Because life is hard.
Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.
When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?
Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?
How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?
What if we just aim to feel?
There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.
Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?
Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.
When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?
Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?
How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?
What if we just aim to feel?
There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.
Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?
The Beauty of Breath
Breathe... not because it's cool, not because someone told you it would make things easier, but because it brings life. It makes the organs glow with positive white light. It brings sanity and sanctity and everything impossible becomes suddenly obtainable. Because it will change your past, your present, your future, your SELF... breathe.
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