Fluke

I woke up early again today to make it to Avila... I usually don't work on Fridays, but made an exception for a client. I called yesterday to confirm, left a message... a no show today. So, I took the time to stretch and do some yoga on the bosu. I left at 10 for my 10:15 Nia class. I haven't been in a few weeks, and so wanted to dance... cancelled. So, I called Ray; we were supposed to have lunch... phone was off.

I was getting pretty low blood sugar, but decided to make it to the World Market because Ray wasn't expecting me until later. I shopped, light headed... the phone was still off. I called his roommate Vic, who told me Ray was throwing up and hung over, phone died. So I got some lunch and went over to work on Vic's achilles tendon. I hung out there for a few hours, with the occasional entertaining visitor.

There was no reason to get up today... today was a fluke. I'm over it. I'm done with bullshit altogether, including my own. I'm hiding for New Years.

So for now, I will keep burning my 'protection' candle to sheild negative influences, and hope that I can stay clear of trouble.

To Wander

I got ready for Giuseppe's... made it downtown, purchased a new wine opener and server book... I got there, and they weren't expecting me. Hmm. Ok. I decided I needed a night off anyway.

So here I am, trying to keep myself from driving me crazy. There is so much indecision... so much confusion. I'm broke... educated, but broke. I'm not sure how to feel, what to do, where to be, how to live...

I suppose this is what life is all about. I've decided to hide for New Years. Last year was too much.

I'm happy and stable in life, but lost and empty. I guess I'm the walking contradiction I've thought myself to be for so long.

One of the biggest voids in my life is the disappearance of one of my best friends, Kristen. She moved to Utah, and for whatever reason couldn't keep in contact with me anymore. Something about it got too painful. She was my other half for so long... we lived together for 4 years... and now she's gone. This was the first birthday in 5 years I haven't celebrated with her... it's weird. I miss her so much, but understand why she needed to run away for a while. I just hope I find her again.

Almost a New Moon

Today is Thursday. I drove home (Los Osos) from San Jose last night. After 3 days of snowboarding, a back-to-back total body sculpt and yoga class, I was exhausted. Christmas was great. I got to spend time with my family and had 2 days of powder... all I could ever need.

I woke up before the sun this morning to make it to Avila, just in time to see the last moon of the month... as a little sliver in the sky. I hope that tomorrow's new moon will bring new beginnings. The musician's still lost, as we all are, and I'm becoming tired of his uncertainty. Not that I want a definite yes/no decision... in fact that may freak me out more... but to know if he's going to stick around or not would be nice. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm not used to this position... I'm more frequently the one running away.

I have thirty minutes until I have to get ready for Giuseppe's. I don't even have a set schedule yet... and I'm still training, which means I'm not making tips. I miss the money at Black Sheep... and it was so easy. I'm considering taking a few shifts a week bartending in addition to Giuseppe's and Avila. I'm just not making enough to cut it, much less shop or travel. It's frustrating, I feel like I'm working so hard.

Anyway, off to clean up the house a bit more before cleaning up after people dining out.

I wonder how much will be too much? I just keep trying to sing...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin' good."

Pre-Christmas

I've been at the Avila Bay Club for almost two years. I've seen many people come and go, quitly and with a stir. Some I miss, some I don't, but the club has been better for it all.

Yesterday was the day of many clients/class. I started off my day with Jim, one of my faithful clients. I always work out with him. Next, I taught my 'Core Training' class. I've gotten a handful of regulars... we laughed, hula hooped... it was a great time. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't worked out in quite some time, so I decided to take Karen's weight 'Total Body Training' class. She kicked my ass as usual. Needless to say, after those three hours, I was worked!

So the day wandered on. I made Christmas Cards for those I needed to see last night. Some of my coworkers at Avila saw some of my work, and asked me to have an art show at the club... and sell them! That was pretty exciting.

I had lunch with Betsy, right on the cliffs in Shell Beach. The waves were huge! We were guessing at least 10 feet. Pretty amazing view at Silver Shoals.

I ended my night with a mending of a relationship that really needed mending... and here I sit today, packing up my things to snowboard!!! Finally, a little snow!!!

Must... keep... packing.

Holidays

I sit here, feet swollen, tired... planning out my next two days. I've been working at Giuseppe's from about 4-11pm every day this week. Getting home late, then up early is exhausting.

I'm so excited to snowboard, and more importantly see my family. I miss them... their support... and thier company.

Tomorrow is a busy day, with 5 clients, one class, dinner plans and packing for the trip. I still haven't put everything I'd wanted to together for Christmas. I know that those who know me well, know I am always/usually late on gifts.

I hope that these jobs get easier and I find my rhythm eventually. Until then, I may be a little cranky and sleep in when I'm not supposed to. Change is inevitable, change is good, but change is mentally and physically taxing.

Horsing Around

Too much computer screen time makes my head ache. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in front of the computer now that music and photos are on screen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I did however get in a little Riverdance this morning, which really just consisted of me dancing around my studio to the soundtrack, but enough to stoke my soul a little.

I'm discovering how dance and play can be incorporated into elongating the spine...

Winter's chill is ever prevalent, and it's hard to keep my body moving. None the less, I feel good. I finally have some time off before the other jobs are starting...

Someone whose picture continues to make me smile:

The Moon Cloud

I was born on a full moon. For as long as I can remember, moons have made me crazy... but I'm aware of it.

Each full moon brings a different level of confusion. Sometimes, they define meaning of an aspect in my life, bring about a culmination to a situation; they generally climax any plot going on in my life.

This moon is no different. It's not even full yet, tomorrow is the day, but I'm already crazy. Dwelling over passed loves, dwelling on where I've been, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm not... dwelling in general.

The best thing for me to do in this state is walk away. I'm strong in who I am and the path I'm on in life. I know everything is OK, but this big ball of light is pulling all the emotion from my soul and wrapping it around my mind.

I'm tired of it... when it comes to the moon, is ignorance really bliss?

A Look Into the Future

Like the translucent quality of water,

my life has finally found clarity.

There are new journeys here to embark upon,

and many leaps to be made.

It's freedom time.

Ahhhhshtanga

Yesterday was a hard day. After Nia, I dognapped Tay and drove to the ocean. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and why, but I knew the sound of the ocean would make everything right.

I felt pretty good last night after dancing, but I know there has been something missing in my life.

I've always known my body needs yoga. My hips are chronically stuck in positions not used in running, and my breath is sometimes short and shallow. After last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I proclaimed my retirement from triathlon and thought I'd just do yoga. It lasted for a while.

I received an email from my old Ashtanga teacher yesterday. I went to her class as religiously as I could, and valued her guidance. She moved to L.A. in July, and I fell out of my practice. Granted it was only about 2-3 times per week, but it was something.

Today I came back to the Primary Series, and oh did it feel good again. It was the first time that it really felt like MY practice. I modified where I needed to modify, and focused on the body parts I knew needed the extra stretch.

My headstand was less than graceful, and I didn't attempt dropbacks, but it felt great. I found my bandhas, and continued to check in with them in each pose. I wonder if I will get to a point where this practice can be a part of daily life?

All I know is that I needed it... and it felt great. It had been too long. I've nearly forgotten everything I'd worried about hours before.

In Hopes of Clarity

This past week has been stressful. Ever since I decided that it was time for a new job, my mind has been a bit confused.

I dropped off two resumes, I got two interviews. I scheduled them 45 minutes apart, both downtown.

The first one was at the new Giuseppe's. The new location is beautiful, right in the heart of downtown SLO. It's going to be amazing. This job I really want. The second interview was at the Library (strictly a bar) in which I'd be bartending. Now the potential for money making is exponential if I am a skilled bartender in SLO, but it's not the classiest place to work in all honesty.

As my blood sugar continued to drop, (I hadn't planned on both interviews, but was actually downtown for lunch plans) I ran to pluck Ray out of the bar he'd been killing time in and dashed for food. With a few minutes to eat, I drove to Avila for a witty 12 year old client and the staff Christmas party. I hung out for a while, but I was the first person there, and in my daily atire. I left when they started the train around the room. I was too exhausted.

I arrived home to a phone message. The night before I ate at Big Sky Cafe for Venessa's birthday, where I'd worked for a couple of years previously. I had dabbled with the idea of managing over there, or at the Natural Cafe, but it seemed I'd be working more hours for less pay. Chris called me to offer me a serving position. I told her I'd interviewed at Giuseppe's, and she told me she wouldn't let me come back to Big Sky if I was offered a job at Giuseppe's. Very cool of her.

So as my brain was being jumbled around yesterday, waiting for calls back, I got another call. It was an athletic club in Pismo Beach (farther from my house than Avila) wanting to hire me based on reputation.

I will also soon be starting work with Yukie and Karla again, to fulfull my internship hours for Cal Poly.

So confused. There are so many things I want to explore, but they are all preceded by a throbbing headache. I wish there were more hours in the week.

Today I hope for clarity. At least the weather is beautiful :)

Chilly Winds

I love Winter. Let me rephrase: I love snowboarding, but in order to snowboard we need snow. As much as I resent the cold for stiffening up my body, I love its expression of white powder.

Winter is always an emotional time for me. There's the birthday month, where just too many people can find me... and the dangerous driving conditions.

But, it's also a time of beauty. The natural landscape changes almost daily and is revived by the rainfall.

Los Osos is cold! I'm frozen until the second before I fall asleep to the hum of my little space heater, and frozen again once I step foot on the tile floors.

If there only was a way to transport myself from the spa to warmth again, without the 15 foot dash of cold up my back...

Ok, so I understand that this is California... but for me, it's cold!

Turkey Time

The Other Jenna calls herself a Jennatarian. She eats meat when she feels she needs to, or not to cause a scene at the inlaws... but for the most part only eats fish. It's this kind of attitude I've migrated towards. Doing for my body, what my body needs.

This is the first year in 12 years that I've eaten the turkey on Thanksgiving. It's easily avoidable in my household because the turkey is the only dish which has meat in it. Everything else is made mostly vegan, low fat, high fiber, organic, top quality wholesome goodness. The turkey isn't even allowed to be cooked in my parent's house.

I hesitated months ago when I was told by a nutritionist that my body needed meat. I had perfected absorbable supplementation and dark leafy greens. I didn't understand how it was different. She explained to me that my blood type and my heritage had more to do with my body's reaction to meat than I thought.

So, a bite of tri tip here, a bite of chicken there... over a period of about 3 months, I started sampling meat. I even ate a piece of fillet! It began as a reason to overcome my fears. I know overconsumption is related to all kinds of dis-ease.

Everyone is in shock. Especially all the vegetarian friends and family members who haven't made the switch back. Everyone else is congratulating me on the switch... like now it makes me a normal person or something.

I don't know if I'll eat meat forever... and I'm learning very quickly about quality, how it's prepared, stored, etc.

I want to have the capability to cook it if I want to, and not necessarily eat it.

My energy levels are higher. I feel more alive... maybe because I'm putting something in that once was breathing. Eww. I know the ethical issues will get my mind again. The way I see it, I put in 12 sacrificial years... now is my time to consume a little quality, hormone free meat.

I know in a few months I'll read 'Diet for a New America' another time and be vegetarian once again.

The hardest part about diets is the judgement of others. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this, as Bob Marley says, 'judge not, until you judge yourself.'

Everyone consumes what they need to, whether it be emotionally/physically/mentally... it's individual, and it's what makes us unique and alive. So cheers to your veal, vegan tofu cheesecake, vegetables and all.

Roll

Today was a good day. I woke up at about 6, dreadfully early for work. I made it to Avila a few minutes after my client Jim. He drinks his decaf coffee early and is ready to work when I arrive. We started in on our new and improved routine. His body had surely adapted to the old one, although I modified it every now and again... it has been over a year of working with him now. I always work out with him, with the exception of when I'm correcting his form. Total body strength workout... awesome.

Next I had Margy, one of my newer clients, who is a physical therapist. Working out with her is a great workout for myself. Last session we did an entire hour on the agility ladder. For those new to agility drills, you are basically sprinting the entire time, trying to move faster and faster. This session I set up a circuit. I laid out the ladder, set up a step, some bosus to jump back and forth between, power crunches with medicine ball and trampoline, and a jump rope. We did each exercise in the circuit for a minute. One of my fellow trainers Dee joined in. The three of us ran around the cardio room hooting and hollering for a good hour, then joined together to brainstorm ideas about a coworker's injury. Good times. One more client, and I was out the door.

I went home and crashed hard. I was so tired. I woke up a few hours later and walked down to the bay with my injured Tay. He was grateful. I made it home in time for a little Oprah on the Tivo. I cried for a good 20 minutes. Such a sad story today.

I made it to Nia with a few minutes to spare, but Derek and I were the only two there besides Amy. We contemplated whether or not to have class for a few minutes, then Tawney and her friend Fran walked in. Nia with the five of us was phenomenal. Luckily we all have strong energy and were willing to share. It was a great time. It was just the uplifting I needed after working on others all day. Dancing really lifts my spirits.

Gauze Pads

The ocean is loud tonight. The stars are glowing bright, without the tiresome distraction of street lights. I love my home.

Amy came to visit this weekend. It was delightful to get to spend some time with her... it's been so long since we've both had a free weekend. It's so easy to hang out with someone who knows me so well.

She brought her labs Tierra and Guiness. Last time they were here, Tay and Tierra had a few battles but nothing serious. This time Tierra cornered Tay on the front porch, and when I came looking for him, she attacked... pretty sure there was a ball involved. He fought back, but she broke skin in two places on his head. Poor bubba.

Today Mira and I hiked around in the Laguna Lake/ Mt. Madonna area with a wounded Tay. Amy helped me to wrap his head in gauze (this would have been a great Halloween costume for him) before her trek home. We didn't have time to make it to the top, but found a beautiful view of the sunset from Shell Beach to Morro Bay. The sky turned pink over Avila... bright pink. Then the light faded into a yellow, then an orange over Los Osos. The clouds were pushed ever so gently by the wind and created a whispy feel. We hiked down and felt the cool air fill the valley. I left my camera in the car :(

Life is good. Things are moving and growing. My new space here is great, and only getting better. With each day comes a new level of organization and light. Soon it will be routine.

I was thinking back yesterday on what my goals used to be in life. To get a college degree, have returning personal training clients, to print my own photography... turns out I've created my dream. And it just all keeps falling into place... with the best of intentions.

New Studio, New Path

Moving stinks. I feel that the last two weeks have been lacking routine in a very unsettling way.

Finally, it's starting to feel like home. No, not every piece of clothing has a home yet, and a furniture shuffle is still in process... but my mind is starting to settle.

I'm hoping with this new beautiful studio, I will start a new chapter of my life. One that includes peace, joy, play and love. The energy in the studio is thriving and waiting to be used.

I've never managed finances well. This will change... but for the time being, I'm hiring an accountant. Enough is enough. I lose my head in financial matters. Haven't found that balance.

I've acquired a lot of information about fitness/personal training/nutrition that I can't wait to share. But... it will take me a while to organize it in a presentable way. Soon.

Each year of life I discover new things. Lately, I've learned that life is a dance. A game. A beautiful expression of self in a way that creates magnificent reflections. This is how we know we are alive.

Vegas Baby!

This weekend was my first trip to Vegas. I expected the usual... drinks, partying, skimpy clothes, but I was attending a conference. I decided before I went that I would find a balance in myself this weekend.

I am a highly sensitive person; lights, sounds, smoke, and any other stimulus can easily overwhelm me. Over the past few years, I have learned to find an inner balance and allow the outside world to be separate from my head. It worked. I wasn't overwhelmed at all, besides the driving and car activities, I kept a level head.

The city was beautiful. Of course it's a little freakish how the building resemble a grown up disney land, but watching the light change on the city, in coordination with the moon, was surreal.

I actually attended the conference (for the most part) and got a lot out of it. I'll write more about it in my next newsletter, but overall the speakers were very informative and professional.

And the test... we'll see in a few weeks when I get my results back. I'm feeling good about it.

One of my favorite clients, Betsy was ironically in Vegas at the same time with her family at the same hotel. Well, I was at the Mandalay Bay and she was at the 4 Seasons which ajoined. She happened to have an extra ticket to 'O' which is a water version of Cirque de Soleit. Amazing. The stage was water in the center, walkways on the sides, but it changed into solid stage in three sections at different moments during the show. I was perplexed at the ability of their spines to hyperextend. Based anatomically, I thought it to be impossible. Apparently these amazing bodies are trained from very young ages, and their fate as contortionists is predetermined. My dream of being in the show... shot down. Thanks mom :)

Ten to Midnight

It seems I never write anymore. I love to write. I love to create in general, but being a perfectionist, I don't want to write about just anything. Tonight, I write about nothing. Forgive my scatteredness.

I moved into a new studio last weekend. It's been about a week and a half of constant work and moving of things. The studio was beautiful, but needed a little paint and some good juju. Although it's only about 20 feet from my old room, it is a world away. I needed my own space.

What I'm creating is a living space/working space. A place where I can invite people in to heal... whether it be to train their bodies, be massaged, enjoy aromatherapy, herbal therapy, or a combination of all that I know and love. It's my opportunity to share a beautiful space with those who could benefit from one.

So the first few days I freaked out. There was no order to anything. I was living out of piles on the floor, couldn't tell what was dirty or clean... it was chaos. After about 5 loads of laundry (I washed everything ambiguous) my piles are all clean. Things are shaping up here, but it's slow moving.

My body is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted... and in one day... I leave for Las Vegas. What a trip that's going to be. I'm going for an ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) conference and examination, and a little play time.

It has been the constant lifting, painting, bending and all of the weird movements I've done in the last few weeks that has made me feel imbalanced to say the least. I did workout this morning with Jim, ran with Mira this afternoon and went to Nia this evening... but still feel bloated and off balance. I know once my world slows down a little I will feel better, but with Vegas and the new studio, will my body ever see serenity again?

Unlocking the Joints and the Spirit

I've found a new way to make people smile.

I have exercised my entire life, thanks to the positive influences of my mom and soccer. I've found so many different endorphin highs and ways to exhaust my body and mind, fueling the soul. I took a dance class based on the work of Gabrielle Roth last year at Omega in Rhinebeck, NY. We were in a beautiful sun lit room with great energy. What I experienced in that room was something I knew I'd have to find again. It was not only a great workout... lots of sweat, but it made me smile, it broke social barriers, it broke down inhibitions without alcohol. I was free to let my body express what it wanted to.

I feel like our bodies get stuck in certain positions. How do we unlock them? First we bring blood to the area which is aka circulation. Joint circles and yoga are what I've found to work the best. From then on, it is just retraining the musculature as to not create the same inbalances again.

There is something to be said about play. In my core classes, we play a bit. This is when I see my students smile and laugh. They are present in their bodies. They aren't judging themselves or others.

So last night I went to a class called Nia. It was amazing. The music was Riverdance-ish. The other students were open and nonjudgemental. After an hour of that class, I was stoked. My soul was glowing. Nothing could have brought me down. So how do we create this in our everyday life? This feeling of freedom and grace... of a judgement free world? Of empowerment and strength?

I haven't figured it out yet... but when I do, I will share. I'm still glowing.

To be able to move about and express freely is to be alive.

Addictions

Everyone has addictions. Whether it's endorphins, drugs, sugar, caffeine... we've all got them. I've written so much about sugar, HFCS, and the cycles they throw our body into. Without being conscious of it, I was stuck in a few cycles.

The sugar cycle. To break food cycles, the three day rule generally applies. If you can make it past 3 days, your body is in the clear. Today is day three. The first day I had one piece of chocolate... these cravings hit hard! It usually hits me after a meal when I am digesting and lethargic.

Day two I treated myself to a pedicure for all the hard work I'd put my feet through lately. As I was walking out the door, I snagged two sugar candies... they hit the tongue before I got to my car. Damn! I am supposed to have will power! The first furniture store I went to had the same damn candies! Two more down. Ok, the sugar rush started to hit me. Luckily lunch was near. After 8 more furniture stores, a lot of overpriced used crap and a few good laughs, a good sushi fix led me to forget about my sweet tooth.

Today I am in the sugar clear. A few strawberries with my protein shake in the morning, but that's it! Today I break the cycle.

Caffeine is out... that was as simple as switching to Yogi Detox Tea instead of my Yogi Green Tea. Same great fortune on my tea tag... not much of an immediate energy difference.

Salt. After the 1/2 marathon last weekend, I feel like I ingested salt. I felt like I needed so much! I ended up taking in much more than I needed and bloated up like a balloon. Fun.

Today I cleanse. A few days of Detox tea has led me to feel much better. Today I stretch out my body with some asanas.

Trek to the Sea

Today I ran 13.1 miles in the City to Sea 1/2 marathon. I almost decided not to run it due to the 70 dollar race entry fee. Quite the monstrosity! But... my fee was sponsored by a good family friend. Love her!

The first few miles were cake because I stayed with my roommate and her parents. I started to get a little antsy at about mile 5 and bolted in front. I was so excited to run my own pace, I probably jumped the gun. I had no way of judging how many miles I had run: no watch, no mile markers.

I found a few strangers to run with. The first one was a Cal Poly grad named Mason. He hadn't trained, just like myself. He moved to San Diego after getting his degree in Computer Science and Business... now, still looking for a job. He stopped for a break after a few miles. Drats!

Then I found Janelle and Maureen (who'd passed us a few miles before) at about mile 8. My next stranger was a woman named Alison. She is a mother of two who moved from Indianapolis a few years ago, met her husband, had two kids and lives in SLO. She works in Paso in a lab testing artifacts. Clearly we had some time to talk. We were both very grateful for eachother and the distraction from our legs. Alison and I finished strong. The last mile was just a little painful.

Finally, we were there. 13.1 miles, a tiny water cooler and no food in sight. About 1/2 mile downhill there was food, but I had to wait for the rest of my crew to finish. I tried to forget my hypoglycemia and just stretch. They arrived, we ate, all was right in the world.

Now, I sit here in my livingroom. My legs feel great, but my energy is low. I get up every hour or so for about 15 minutes, then back to the chair. Perhaps a nap?

Quite the accomplishment... but it's time for a full marathon.

To Supplement or Not to Supplement?

There is so much buzz about supplements today. Always someone roped into a pyramid marketing scam trying to get you to buy their product so they make money.

I think there are two types of people, or rather a continuum of people with two extremes.

Person #1: The Fast Food Junkie: they eat crap... nutrient empty foods, fried foods, sugar, refined flours, whites, excess carbs. They don't supplement.

Person # 2: The hippy: they eat whole foods; nutrient dense foods, organic produce and maybe meats. They usually supplement.

Now, why is person # 2 more likely to supplement their diet when person #1 needs it more?

It is a level of awareness about one's diet and needs first off. Secondly it is the level of commitment that a person dedicates to their own wellbeing. Usually it is all or nothing. Those who make poor food choices don't supplement, and those who make wise food choices do supplement. It should be the opposite.

Ideally, we would all get our nutrients from food. They come in the form that is easiest to absorb. When our diet lacks something essential, we supplement. When our diet lacks more than a few essentials, we should supplement more than a few essentials. For instance, vegetarian diets do not contain vitamin B12. Thus, vegetarians need to take B12. Seems simple, right?

What is your diet lacking and what does your body need?

Growth

A few years ago I bought myself a beautiful vine. It grew up along my book shelves and around my doorway.

The vine grew to be at least 15 feet long. It was amazing.

The same time my last relationship ended, the vine got root rot. Was it because I'd neglected to give it proper drainage... or did I just get too comfortable in it's routine of growing when I watered it?

I salvaged the vine, with only 4 leaves remaining. For an entire year it was only 4 leaves.

This Spring it started to grow again. There are 15 leaves now. It is in no way as strong as it once was, but it survived.

An Update on Life

It has been so long since I've last written. Life is busy, work is grueling... sleep is not consistent.

Yesterday my hammock came in the mail. I have longed for a hammock for so long and finally endulged in a great sale. I hypothesize that it's the swinging motion that we see in therapy. To my surprise, the stand didn't come with the necessary wood to be constructed. Home Depot here I come... but there's no way I can fit a ten foot piece of wood in my car. Surf rack? Besides the hammock, I also purchased two hanging chairs for the front yard. As I was putting them together this morning I knocked myself in the face with one of the wooden rods. Idiot! I never saw it coming, but now I sit here with my face throbbing. Deep breaths.

Both jobs are fun at the moment, but I'm tired. I often tell customers that working at Black Sheep is my job security. Serving fatty fried foods and cocktails makes for a promising personal training business, right? I toxify others (and myself sometimes) and then detoxify the next day.

Working downtown is completely overwhelming. It is a great time, yes. But, the amount of male attention a 22-year-old single female gets working in a bar is enormous! The bartenders are so good about making sure I'm being treated respectfully and don't hesitate to kick assholes to the curb.

I haven't practiced Ashtanga in weeks. I know I need it. I know it would make everything feel more balanced, but I can't get myself to my mat. Perhaps it's that I don't have a sacred place to practice without 1,000 distractions... or that I can't stop myself from running and get frustrated by my tight hip flexors? Today I will practice... after I run :)

I miss my Frustrating Friend, but his insults sting hard. I have to draw back upon 'Love is Letting Go of Fear' and recognize that he is too scared to love me. It could be so perfect... and I'm having a hard time walking away, but I also have to know my worth... especially because he doesn't seem to see it. The beautiful music I have listened to with him has now turned bitter sweet.

If I could only be swept off my feet like I was with Joe. I had no choice but to love him... we fell together. It's a good thing I have my boy Tay.

Pouring

When it rains, it pours!

It seems like just a month or so ago I was struggling to find consistent work. Now, it seems like work is being thrown my way.

Thank you all for reading and enjoying my dance through life. It truely is a gift to hear such positive feedback. The next newletter is coming soon... but life is busy!

Conditional People

When I was at a street fair in Sweden this May, I bought a beautiful piece of fabric with this written on it:

Strive to always do what is right--not in the eyes of others, but in your own heart.
Others' thoughts are transitory--one moment they will love you, the next they will not.
Act on what is right in your own heart, and there will be victory.

I've thought a lot about what it says, as it hangs on the wall in my livingroom. I've felt the wrath of this saying before... lost love, broken heart. 'Forever never seems to be around in the end.' I never thought I'd be relating this saying to my friends, because in my heart love is unconditional... especially between friends.

I guess it's better to know than not to know if someone will not be there to support you in struggles and in victories. For me, I can't stop loving people. If I've deemed someone a worthy person in their entirety, I can't just write them off. No, I can't burn bridges... much less blow bridges up, without spending a lot of time with that person on my mind... grieving the loss.

Does this quality of unconditional love only apply to family and the closest of friends? I hate to look at everyone with a cautious eye, but it seems to be the reality of the situation. Knowing I am an unconditional person, perhaps I need only to surround myself with the same kind. It is the worst feeling in the world thinking that you may be good enough for someone one day, and the next you are no longer worthy of even words. It justifies insecurities. I wish that upon no one.

Pacific Grove Triathlon

This weekend was the PG Triathlon. I drove up to surprise my sister for her birthday. The race was beautiful as always. It was a bit cloudy in the mornings, but cool sunny race weather. I was one of two spectators for our bunch that day, but spent most of the day wandering around myself. I ran into Laura Miller from TriCal 1st thing in the morning who snuck me a VIP pass--which allowed me to get the best camera positions. Watching four people race meant me running around for about five hours chasing times when I thought they might appear.

The announcer was loud, actually there were two and wherever I was, the sound followed. This doesn't seem like a big deal, but for a highly sensitive person like myself, I freaked out a little. So many people, so much energy, so much noise!

So... I used my VIP pass to get a free ocean front lunch. Ahhh. It was a nice breather. I was exhausted from my day of being a fan... and I wasn't even the best fan. I missed all but one finish, and passed out before any of the racers did. I don't know how I ever did these things.

It did make me think of Wildflower this year and how much fun it was. Such a badass group of supporters, great uncomplicated company from the Frustrating Friend. I do miss him... but not his complications. I do wonder if he can break his patterns in dating... and if I can do the same? I guess the world may never know.

Food: Pleasure or Purpose?

As I was running on the beach in the bay last week, doing my regular mental cleansing, a question popped to mind... do I eat for pleasure or purpose?

For years people have made fun of my diet. I've been called weird, hippy, vegan, and accused of wearing patchouli. No--I don't wear patchouli nor will I ever consider it! I don't really care what other people think of my diet, but I wonder, if I was eating more pleasurable foods, would I need less of them to satisfy me?

I suppose you'd need to understand my diet: tons of veggies, sprouted whole grains, fish, almond butter, beans, tofu... dairy is substituted most often for soy cheese and soy sour cream, lots of garlic and ginger & olive oil.

I wonder now, is it quantity or quality that satisfies more? I know I can be mentally thrilled with a piece of chocolate, but hungry for nutrient dense calories afterwards. I suppose my answer is: a balance. Many foods that repulse others are fantastic to me: eggless tofu salad, brocolli and spinach all the time, flax seed oils, sprouted spelt bread... the list continues. BUT, I know sourdough bread is delicious. I know sugar, fried food, simple carbs are delicious. I also know how I feel afterwards: bloated with a headache, but endulged.

I suppose some people are used to living with headaches. So much of the world is currently dehydrated and doesn't even know it! So if I were to tune out to my body, eat simple-refined sugars and not be able to tell the difference, perhaps I'd get more pleasure out of food?

My conclusion: food is an investment in our bodies. From the moment we consume it, to how it feels digesting and hour later, or half a day later. The pleasure may not appear right at consumption, but pleasure in the reaction of our bodies is abundant.

I guess that is what the 80-20 rule is for: eat good-for-you-foods 80% of the time, and 20% of the time--endulge.

A Life Without Structure

For five years I've longed for a life without school; a life of sleeping in, casual breakfasts, and easy times. This dream seems to be coming true, but with one catch: my productivity is stifled! A life without the structure and deadlines of school has left me floating about without direction. Of course there are little motivators here and there to keep me oriented, but no true goals.

Goal setting is something I help my clients to achieve. Deciding where someone wants to be physically is quite different than how a person wants to structure life. Maybe there is such a thing as a structure coach?

Next in line for me is more certifications! The only catch is the financial catch... yoga certifications are a few grand, cycling and pilates are at least a few hundred... and there aren't really certifications offered in my little central coast area. Time to travel, or get creative.

I've always known how much I despised structure, but have never really appreciated my reliance on it's consistency.

Tay Tay

Today I had one of the best massages to date. No offense Christa... it definately lacked the spiritual connection that your massages have, but my oh my did it feel good.

I've needed one for about a week now, but the Big Woman in the back house convinced me to wait until her arm was healed. Since I'm mildly frightened by her strong personality anyway, I opted for use of the phone book. I haven't found a consistently good therapist in the area. Some good trades, but it's like pulling teeth to get people in for workouts.

Due to my undying addiction to running and a few days of heavy lunges, my ass needed to be rubbed! Anyway, I woke up feeling like a stiff blob... and now I feel like it's all been pushed around a bit. Now, at 2:05p.m. I can start my day :)

Today is my last final at Cal Poly. An odd feeling because I've spent so much time there over the past 5 years. It's finally over. Now I can sleep all night long without worries of due dates and exams!

So much has changed since I arrived as a scared 17 year old. So many of my friends have moved on and/or hitched up.

It feels so good just to float for a while. I have the time to do the things I want to do, and think about what it is that I want from life. I'm alone, yes... but when you have the best dog in the world, are you ever really alone?

Sprouting

After a long night of work last night, a table of two sat at 9:55p.m. I was supposed to be done at 10. Blasphemy! I reluctantly told them that they could order, quickly. Of course they wanted drinks, salads, meals, blah, blah, blah. A few of my friends were sitting at the bar waiting for me to be done.

45 minutes later, I was done. One large lemonade vodka down and I was feeling much better. I hung out for a while, but knew if I stayed any longer I would be there all night. I snuck out and made it home safe. A long night of coughing (still not sick!) and I was up folding laundry before work. Today I covered a day shift. A day shift... in a bar. It was the most pathetic thing, and definately not worth it financially to even be open.

I had a moment of clarity at work today. I wrote down on a scratch piece of paper the things that were most important to me. I've now got a lot of energy to put into something, and I want to be sure it's where I want it to be. The four things: Fitness, Nutrition, Photography, Travel. Put them together and you have a personal trainer/cook/photographer to travel with!

I will find the perfect combination of these things to fit my life right now. But... it would greatly be to my benefit to enhance all of these skills before Europe. I know that I'm not a person to commit to a job full time. I sort of have lifestyle A.D.D. in a sense. I get terribly bored.

A website is next, more pictures, culinary training...

The greatest part about my life right now is time and freedom. This is something I've been looking forward to since I started college.

This is my time to sprout... with an entirely fresh creative outlook.

Blanket in the Sky

My main man and I... on the top.

Bishop's Peak

It was 5:30 a.m.

Mira woke me up before the sun this morning. We found the closest thing to clean running clothes and shoes and headed for San Luis.

The fog was so thick, we could barely see our way into town. We arrived at the bottom of the mountain. It was cold and foggy, but we knew the feeling of being on the top would be worth it.

We started jogging. What an incline Mt. Madonna is! We kept chugging along... until finally a small patch of blue could be seen past the layer of fog. About 15 feet from the top, the fog cleared. Sunshine just for us!

Mira, Taylor and I were the only three souls on the top of the fog this morning. The blanket was so thick. We could see where the valley and ocean were covered, and the "seven sisters" mountain range peaked out the top.

It was amazing. The first daylight just for us. The excitement of Mira's first trip up... and pure joy from being in my sanctuary again. It had been too long.

We descended back into the cold fog, running quickly to make it to the warm car. We drove home, got Mira off to school and I climbed back into bed after a warm shower.

What a morning... and what a day it will be.

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. I looked up... directly up. There she was. Half way on her way out... la luna bella :)

Burrito Babble

What in life makes a person happy? It seems to me that one can only find an additional level of happiness when being loved, or loving another. On a basic level, if all necessities of living are being met, you can be happy. But, life seems to matter more when another person cares about the little things in your life.

Of course there is the family's love, that is fantastic... but different.

Is there ever a good time to fall for someone? Same question... different situation: is there ever a good time to have a baby? Can we even plan these things?

Do things in life happen systematically for a purpose or... do those individuals who look for a purpose in everything choose to do things more systematically?

There are so many questions in life, if you choose to question everything. It's almost like the level of consciousness that one embodies. The more conscious you are, the deeper you are able to fall in the depths.

Enough with the babbling... I know what makes me happy: running, yoga, wine, burritos, good company, silence, chocolate, peace and love. Any combination will do.

Did I mention burritos?

The Key is 3

I have struggled with motivating others to change their health... it's my job, but very difficult. I came to the conclusion that a person will lose weight if they give up 3 things... and commit to giving up these three things as a lifestyle change:

white flour, sugar* & fried food

...with the elimination of these things and inclusion of sufficient water, I feel most people will lose weight. *this means soda too!

I noticed in my own patterns, that I feel refreshed and energized when I wake up after consuming little sugar the day before. If I have had a sugar-filled day, I wake up hung over... barely able to force myself to wake up.

The secret to losing weight, at least to me, is stabilizing one's blood sugar. If you are consuming sugar regularly, your blood sugar is spiked and then comes down hard. When blood sugar comes down hard, you crave sugary, simple carbs... it becomes a cycle. I believe it becomes an addiction.

If you can stabilize the blood sugar levels with the combination of lean protein and complex carbohydrates, meals will last a longer amount of time. This means that you will consistently eat less! Translation: you will lose weight. Not to mention the amount of fiber in complex carbohydrates will help to rid of excess fat in the body.

Feel free to email for meal suggestions or replacements for these 3 evils.

Passion

What is it that creates passion? There are certain people who's eyes you cannot help but to stare into. What is it that draws one person to another... is it merely physical attraction, or astrology, or... hormones?

And even if you do feel the passion, who's to say it's not lust? And does the other person return that magnetic feeling? Being a magnet without another magnet to stick to is trouble!

I do suppose that alcohol intake has much to do with 'passion' on occasion. Last night, I felt it. I have no idea how or why or where this guy came from... only time will tell if he is deserving of me and me of him. I do miss my Frustrating Friend. Being true to things that frustrate me means letting go of him... or redefining the relationship once again. We are so good together, but both commit-o-phobics, and in hard places right now.

It is best for me to be single right now anyway, unless a better option presents itself.

Judgements

Why do we judge eachother? Is it just because we don't feel confident in who we are... or we project our fears on to others?

Is it only when self judgement is released that true living begins?

Pinecrest, CA

One of my hands down favorite places on earth. Perhaps it's the lack of "white noise" and business around, or the gentle swing of a hammock and a good book?

Camping takes us back to the bare necessities: food, water, shelter and play. With the chaos in our everyday lives, we hardly notice that we are all the same in this sense.

What is phenomenal about this trip every year, is the connections. With about 20 or so people eating, playing, exercising, drinking together... what a great time! It's never the same 20. There are regulars in the bunch, but the 'door' is always open to those willing to make the trek.

To feel life as being so serene, so simple, so supported. Priceless.

I was swinging in the hammock in the campground one day, looking at all the rope holding it together. I found it to be such a metaphor for life. Some of the rope was broken, some held its structural integrity quite well. Hammocks are a web of support just like a family.

What a trip.

A Purpose to Suffering?

What is it about suffering that keeps so many at ease? There are choices in life that we know are better options, but we opt away from them. Do we feel more comfortable when feeling pain?

I have discovered in life that the deeper one falls, the higher they are able to go. With that perspective, suffering serves a purpose. But, how long is too long to suffer? Or rather, how long do you need to be down to spring back up, having gained a new perspective?

Everybody suffers. What we choose to do with this suffering is what separates us from the rest of humanity. Do we soak in the newly created view from below, or wait until the opportune time to revel from above?

Avalon

I checked the time. 7:15ish. By my calculations I should have at least an hour of daylight left. According to the Navy, civil twilight was up at 8:28... perfect! Just as I was grabbing my running shoes and Taylor was starting to bounce with excitement, the housemate walked in with a dislocated finger. Crap!

A little sympathy and about ten minutes later, I was out the door. I took off at a good pace. The white flour/sugar day had prepared my body for some speed! Tay was stoked to crank it up a bit. Down the trail we went... sand patches... tree house... tunnel of trees... and water in sight!

The fog rolled in a few hours ago and the tide left about 10 feet of shoreline to run on. We ran to the end of the beach. There was more wildlife than I'd seen in quite some time. I couldn't help but to see a great white egret staring at Tay and I. He was so graceful and rhythmic in his movements. I was glad not to pose a threat... we were after all visiting his home.

I remembered back to a few summers ago, reading The Mists of Avalon. I was in Avalon tonight. The fog was thick, so much so that the horizon line became a blur. Pure white from ocean to sky. The fish were jumping, birds swooping by. I found peace. My runner's high was fantastic. I could feel the circulation, the oxygen uptake, and it felt damn good.

I've been working on my speed lately and decided to do some sprints. After a grueling 20 minutes of sprinting forwards and backwards, jumping, balancing... I started to feel my body's response to the sugar. I remember pro triathlete Victor Plata telling me one day that he avoided sugar like the plague. It all makes sense, but it did give me a little extra sprinting juice.

So I ran back at a good pace, sprinting up the hills. Home at 8:26. Two whole minutes to spare before it was the end of civil twilight--whatever that means. The perfect night, spent alone. There are options--yes, but all are either frustrating or unenticing. Tay is my peace of mind... the most loyal man I will ever meet.

I feel so connected to the moon cycle this month. Thursday was an extreme day. So much adrenaline, I knew something was up. I didn't think much of it, but made a mental note. Today I glanced at the calendar. Sure enough it was the new moon on Thursday. I am starting to get these energy patterns down to a science... at least for my body.

What a night.

White Flour

Today started with the best intentions. It actually started last night. I got home from work at about 11:30pm after sharing a cocktail and a slice of pizza with Sandra. My housemate was still up, making a cake.

Cake at almost midnight? It would go right to my hips (along with the pizza)! I kindly refused and ducked off to bed. She offered to make me breakfast in the morning... I said "sure, just wake me up." I'm thinking a good breakfast early enough to digest before yoga, right?

Turns out to be buttermilk pancakes, log cabin syrup and cheddar cheese eggs. Delicious, neverminding the fact that my body spins out with even small amounts of sugar. I ate, and spun... all morning and into the afternoon. I kept on spinning right until I ended up at New Frontiers after yoga.

I must have been crashing at this point. I purchased everything wholesome and good in the entire store, barely made it home where I quickly made myself an eggless tofu sandwich and piece of salmon. Whew!

It's so scary what white flour can do. I've been craving the stuff all day, and if I don't run it off and rinse it out of me, it stays put! Scary. Try putting white flour and water in a drain... if it clogs that pipe, what does it do to our pipes?

An Italian Poem

This is a poem that my English teacher sent me, after many Italian dream talks.

WEIGHTLESS

For a god who laughs like a child,
So many cries of sparrows,
So many dances in the boughs,

A soul makes itself weightless,
The meadows take on such softeness,
Such tenderness rekindles in the eyes,

Hands like leaves
Are spellbound in the air...

Who fears anymore,
who judges?

-Guiseppe Ungaretti, 1934

Restaurants Again

I never thought it would happen. When I walked out of the restaurant business a year and a half ago, I had no reason to look back. I was going towards a career move.

Truth of the matter is: I am not ready for a full time job. I want to play, to figure myself out, to live. So two part time jobs are better than one? We'll see. At least I have some sort of balance. Short shifts mixed with cash!

The food is crap... fried crap, but there is a veggie burger on the menu. It's not entirely hopeless.

Dreaming Italian

For what seems like years, I have dreamed of Italy. Living, working, just being in Italy. I was romanced by an Italian years ago, and almost need to experience the origin of their beings.

I signed up for publications from the leaders in Italian fitness today: Technogym. Now my task is to prove to them why they in fact need me in their company. Could be a simple task, right? Wrong. This is a delicate process which needs to be treated like brain surgery.

Better call in for backup.

The Art of Balance

Balance. It is what I strive to achieve in every single day. But just when you think you are starting to become balanced, a new challenge arises. For instance, if my personal world is balanced, my mental, emotional or spiritual worlds could not necessarily be.

This is the biggest challenge in my life. My ultimate goal is wellness... being a wellness coach and personal trainer. What I have discovered the last few months is that all of these worlds are connected. Especially the mental and physical: why are Americans getting so fat? Why are we eating junk? Why are we so disconnected to our bodies? There are mental issues that are consistent in this country leading to obesity.

The more I study psychology, the more I think everyone should get therapy. I believe in every kind of therapy: massage therapy, personal training, self help... anything to enable the SELF. Isn't that what we are all trying to figure out anyway? Who we are and how we fit into the world based on who we want others to think we are... or whose expectations we are trying to meet?

Enough of my soapbox, I need to get in some Ashtanga before it gets too late.

The First Blog

What is a blog anyway? As blogging theory and etiquette is new to my world, I shall see what it evolves to be. For now, it is for me. A commitment to myself to write about my life... my struggles or triumphs as a twenty-something woman in California. Here goes...