Alive Again

I feel rejuvenated. I hitched a ride home with Ray this weekend... for some much needed home-time. On Sunday, my mom and I ran up at Santa Teresa Park for at least an hour... then we drove to the gym and went for a spa soak and a 30 minute swim. I felt alive again.

Sunday was Chinese New Year. We are embarking upon the year of the dog--me! I called one of my favorite healers for some massage/energy work. He showed up late, as always, but worked for at least 3 hours. He found that my Iodine levels were off, my left leg distributing weight unevenly, the radial nerves in my arms blocked... and so much more.

I have been in touch with my body for a long time, and for someone to justify all of the pain and imbalance feels so good. Now I have new goals and new things to focus on. He told me he needed to work on me again, so came back yesterday for another hour and a half. I feel like a new person.

The most impactful thing he told me was that I was holding about 15 lbs of extra water weight! I had gotten on the scale a few days before and was freaking out at the number... I knew I had been better to myself than that. Come to find out... it's birth control pills again. It seems the imbalance in the estrogen and progesterone in the pills I have been taking have caused hypothyroidism... a slower metabolism, and water retention. Whew! I stopped taking them that day. It's not worth it... and I knew something was seriously off. I've been exhausted.

Anyway, today I go in to Kennedy to train with a few different people. Once I get my system locked in, it's go time. I have tons of ideas... and it seems that this business can be very profittable. Who knew?

The Yoga Thing

Writing has always been second nature to me, from the time I started writing in my lock-and-key journal. Lately, I've noticed that I can't write, or I'm lacking the passion or motivation to write inspiring things.

I always think about personal wellbeing, but have not been experiencing it in myself in full. I've been lazy, watched too much television... been distracted, and at times intoxicated. While that all has been a great time in itself, it's time to pick myself back up again. I'm not one of those people who likes to tell others what to do but omits the advice myself.

I've learned a lot about motivation. It is very hard to stay motivated for one main reason... we don't believe in ourselves or our powers to achieve. I'm still one of the lucky ones who has loving parents, friends and a sister who support me in my decisions and believe in me. I can't imagine a world without the support team I've acquired, but even with them, it's hard to believe in my own worth.

Remembering back to last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I could not wait to reach the finish line so I could focus on yoga, and yoga only. I went through the motions of training just to get to the yoga. I read yoga books wherever I went, and practiced at least a few times a week. I know it's one thing that makes me feel sane and balanced, hence the name of my blog, but getting myself to commit to a regular practice is nearly impossible. But why? It feels great, calms my nerves, helps my alignment, and so much more.

My commitment to myself is to do more yoga. I have access to many free yoga classes at Kennedy now, and the schedules to the best places to practice. The intention is there, and now is time for the follow through. I believe in me, in my strength as a person, an athlete and once again a yogi... or is it yogini?

To new commitments.

Another peaceful picture for thought:
It was the day Mira and I ran to the top of Madonna at sunrise. The mountain range leads to the sea. They are called the Seven Sisters, and this day they were blanketed in clouds :)

Tuesday

I put my notice in at Avila today. It felt amazing.

Tonight I went to sushi with The Other Jenna. It had been a long time since I'd seen her, and it was good to catch up. Her dedication to yoga makes me miss the times when I had a regular practice. It is so good for the mind, the body, and the soul... I don't know how I've looked away for so long.

Joe called today just to see how I was. I suspected that he was having relationship troubles, or needed advice, but as the conversation progressed, I saw that he truely wanted to see how I was. It warmed my heart. I ran into his girlfriend the other night and shared a few laughs... it feels good be peaceful with that situation.

I don't realize how many people actually read what I've written until I get emails or phone calls about something. I know the past short while has been a struggle for me to see clearly; I've been more lost post-grad than I ever was in school. I am totally appreciative of the support I receive in my life... financial, emotional, all of it. I wouldn't/couldn't be the same person without it.

Jumbled Jobs

I've been trying to find my way in the dark as of late. I feel like I've been trying to do everything all at once... which has led to a spiraling out of control.

So I quit working at Giuseppe's... and I'm putting in my notice at Avila very soon... and I've picked up the back bar shifts at Black Sheep one or two nights/week from 9:30pm-2am... and a temporary nanny job... and got hired at the new Kennedy Club Fitness. Whew.

I can't help but laugh at my job status. Hopefully Kennedy will be all I need. The facility is beautiful! 50 meter pool, doctors and physical therapists on staff, massage therapists, basketball, squash, raquetball, sand volleyball, a spinning room, 3 group fitness rooms! It continues on... steam, sauna, and 6,000 members!

It is going to be a great challenge, but I'm hoping to establish myself there so that it can be my only job. I need the simplicity. I remember when it was first put in... I was upset because I used to run a 9 mile loop around that land. It was uninhabited for the most part except for a few cows. The building is quite the monstrosity... but from a fitness standpoint, there is no place around here that can offer what they can. I already know about half of the trainers... and they are good people. I'm stoked.

On that note, I feel like I'm starting a much more peaceful chapter... so here is a peaceful picture I took one night after riding my bike w/Tay down to the bay.

My intentions now are to find success in my field, in such a way that I enjoy life and not lose myself in the process... and to do more yoga!

Chopped Soup

It's obvious to me, and probably all of you who take the time to read this, that the confusion levels in my life are enormous. I feel like I'm a big pot of soup, complete with largely chopped education, stringy work experience, customer service skills, and right now a bitter sweet attitude. Of course I'm made of a soy-miso paste at heart, what else?

I picked up the back bar shifts at Black Sheep this weekend. I made a few bucks last night... actually more than I ever made at Giuseppe's. It felt comfortable... seeing all of my friends and co-workers again. But, I feel the itching urge to walk away from everything work related in life. I'm tired of having 2-3 jobs... of not being insured... of not knowing exactly how I'm going to pay rent.

I hung out with Rogina last night before work. She finally found her own apartment, and her freedom. It was so cool to witness; she's come a long way. Anyway, we decided to get some dinner before I went in to B.S. at 9:30. We stumbled upon Farmer's Market, where to my erie surprise, I started to hear The Musician's voice echoing around town. Of course he was playing... of course! Why wouldn't he be?

I tried to escape by going into Grappalo for some chianti. Soon enough, it was time to find food and go to work. I heard The Musician everywhere I went in town, and had a hard time tuning it out. He sounded great... and I can't even be bitter. He's going back to his love... who am I to stand in the way?

The time has come for something solid to stand on. I need a foundation on which to live and survive. I never understood why people would want full time jobs... isn't the flexible schedule and unkept hours a thrill? Why would anyone want to work 8-5?

So, now is the time to figure my shit out. The job hunt begins... something new, something fresh, something in my field of interest, something that can allow me to sleep at night. I want no more jambalaya or chopped soup.

I shouldn't have much trouble finding work, but I want something to stick. No more jumping around for work, and hopefully no more driving.

I can do it. If I've learned anything in life, I know that I can do it. I just need to figure out what first, and then make it happen. Simple as that. And, no more musicians.

New Day

Like Nina Simone says,

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... for me... and I'm feelin' good!"

I woke up this morning with the intention that today was a new day. Today was whatever I wanted it to be. I made a nutritious shake and headed to the Avila Bay Club to workout. No clients today, but I needed some motivation. I did an hour of cardio, stretched, ab work, stretched, balanced... I did whatever I needed. It was great.

I am motivated again to make my life positive and to find success. I know that some of the influential people in my life need to be swapped with better quality souls.

I then met Ray for some sushi, and ran home to shower. I need to leave for Giuseppe's in an hour, and have a lot to study for my server test. Off I go...

Sharks

I am back at my Nia classes and it feels great. The holidays are finally over, and I've found somewhat of a routine. The problem lies once again with my work.

My current dilemma: do I quit restaurants all together, avoiding the time commitment and energy towards a new job... thus becoming a full-time trainer? Giuseppe's has NOT been what I've wanted it to be. I've not had any serving shifts yet, which means very little money. I was hired to serve, but since they trained most of their other servers for 3 weeks prior to my arrival, I'm way behind. They've given me about 1-2 shifts per week, mostly training shifts. This is not worth it to me, at all.

I was expediting food for a few shifts, but that is no more... I sold a lamb shank as a veal chop and The Bitch told chef she wanted my shift. I don't know why I thought I knew what a veal chop or lamb shank looked like anyway.

So, I have 1 training shift on Sunday and 1 serving shift the following Sunday. I have 2 days to decide if I want to quit. I'm leaning towards yes. I turned down some good work for these people, and they don't know how to see potential, or communicate for that matter. I'm over it.

The musician has once again disappeared. I'm over that too... not going to wait for his ebb and flow, although it is his birthday tomorrow. It's always the Capricorns.

So tonight, I'm staying in... away from the drama of downtown. My roommate Chris and I are going to rent a movie, we're hoping about sharks :)

I just wish money wasn't always the issue.

Deep breaths.

The Sculpted Lifespan

Yesterday was a good day. Ray came over to play... we went for a run in the pouring rain, ran a few stair intervals at the bay, came home and sat in the spa. The weather was crazy to say the least. It was cool to sit in my studio and watch the weather.

We went and got some tacos, then came back and read about Tao, Indian Luck, Women's Health, and listened to a little Bob. I got ready for work, and Ray went home.

I always have moments of clarity when I run. This time, it was when Ray commented about his age... he jokes a bit about being older. I kept telling him that your lifespan is what you make of it. It stuck.

We have one life in this body. How we treat it and nourish it determines how long it lasts... disregarding genetic predisposition. But even then, a healthier body reacts less to predisposed illness. Anyway, it got me thinking about how people live their lives.

Joe always said he didn't want to live a long time... I always assumed to be that dramatic artist. So maybe people consciously or unconsciously determine their lifespan early on? Who knows?

Perhaps I'll examine it further at a later time... or not.

Lacking Words

New Year's went out with a bang. I first went to dinner with Betsy at the old Giuseppe's. We sat, drank, heckled her son a little, and parted ways. I was contemplating between going home and going downtown.

A good part of me wanted to hide on account of last year and the events that occured. I made sure the ex was out of town this time. The other part of me was tired of being a hermit crab and needed a little social interaction. I met up with Vic (Ray's roommate) at about 8pm. We walked downtown to Black Sheep where I had one drink, and switched to water.

There were tons of people there to hang out with... and it was a good time for a while, but I had NO intentions of being there at midnight. I have always felt a little hunted in that place... maybe because I was a single waitress, who occasionally hung out after hours. Anyway, the vulturous stares got old fast.

As I was about to leave, I saw the Musician waiting in line outside. I went out, said hello, and came back inside. I talked to him for a few, then informed him of my escape. I don't think he believed that I would leave, alone, on this holiday. Well, I did... after I was stopped a handful of times on my way out.

I was sober at this point. It had been 5ish hours since I'd had a drink. I walked to Ray & Vic's where I took a brief nap, and ventured home. I called the Musician just to see if he needed a ride home... he did.

We had a good night, with an unexpected turn of events of course. It seems his ex has come back to him full force. He sits now in contemplation; back to the ex or on to the new? I was as supportive as I could be, given the situation. I remember, just a year ago, being in the same boat with Joe.

Perhaps it's karma? Perhaps it wasn't meant to be? Perhaps he won't go back to her? Whatever the outcome, it isn't about me. It's about him. My toughest trial will be to not personalize the outcome. It's hard to watch the first guy in a long time that I've cared about slip away... if indeed that's what he's doing.

So now, I have no words. I have nothing further to say... it's time to turn my energy inward until I hear the chilling verdict. I'll be ok, either way.

Fluke

I woke up early again today to make it to Avila... I usually don't work on Fridays, but made an exception for a client. I called yesterday to confirm, left a message... a no show today. So, I took the time to stretch and do some yoga on the bosu. I left at 10 for my 10:15 Nia class. I haven't been in a few weeks, and so wanted to dance... cancelled. So, I called Ray; we were supposed to have lunch... phone was off.

I was getting pretty low blood sugar, but decided to make it to the World Market because Ray wasn't expecting me until later. I shopped, light headed... the phone was still off. I called his roommate Vic, who told me Ray was throwing up and hung over, phone died. So I got some lunch and went over to work on Vic's achilles tendon. I hung out there for a few hours, with the occasional entertaining visitor.

There was no reason to get up today... today was a fluke. I'm over it. I'm done with bullshit altogether, including my own. I'm hiding for New Years.

So for now, I will keep burning my 'protection' candle to sheild negative influences, and hope that I can stay clear of trouble.

To Wander

I got ready for Giuseppe's... made it downtown, purchased a new wine opener and server book... I got there, and they weren't expecting me. Hmm. Ok. I decided I needed a night off anyway.

So here I am, trying to keep myself from driving me crazy. There is so much indecision... so much confusion. I'm broke... educated, but broke. I'm not sure how to feel, what to do, where to be, how to live...

I suppose this is what life is all about. I've decided to hide for New Years. Last year was too much.

I'm happy and stable in life, but lost and empty. I guess I'm the walking contradiction I've thought myself to be for so long.

One of the biggest voids in my life is the disappearance of one of my best friends, Kristen. She moved to Utah, and for whatever reason couldn't keep in contact with me anymore. Something about it got too painful. She was my other half for so long... we lived together for 4 years... and now she's gone. This was the first birthday in 5 years I haven't celebrated with her... it's weird. I miss her so much, but understand why she needed to run away for a while. I just hope I find her again.

Almost a New Moon

Today is Thursday. I drove home (Los Osos) from San Jose last night. After 3 days of snowboarding, a back-to-back total body sculpt and yoga class, I was exhausted. Christmas was great. I got to spend time with my family and had 2 days of powder... all I could ever need.

I woke up before the sun this morning to make it to Avila, just in time to see the last moon of the month... as a little sliver in the sky. I hope that tomorrow's new moon will bring new beginnings. The musician's still lost, as we all are, and I'm becoming tired of his uncertainty. Not that I want a definite yes/no decision... in fact that may freak me out more... but to know if he's going to stick around or not would be nice. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm not used to this position... I'm more frequently the one running away.

I have thirty minutes until I have to get ready for Giuseppe's. I don't even have a set schedule yet... and I'm still training, which means I'm not making tips. I miss the money at Black Sheep... and it was so easy. I'm considering taking a few shifts a week bartending in addition to Giuseppe's and Avila. I'm just not making enough to cut it, much less shop or travel. It's frustrating, I feel like I'm working so hard.

Anyway, off to clean up the house a bit more before cleaning up after people dining out.

I wonder how much will be too much? I just keep trying to sing...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin' good."

Pre-Christmas

I've been at the Avila Bay Club for almost two years. I've seen many people come and go, quitly and with a stir. Some I miss, some I don't, but the club has been better for it all.

Yesterday was the day of many clients/class. I started off my day with Jim, one of my faithful clients. I always work out with him. Next, I taught my 'Core Training' class. I've gotten a handful of regulars... we laughed, hula hooped... it was a great time. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't worked out in quite some time, so I decided to take Karen's weight 'Total Body Training' class. She kicked my ass as usual. Needless to say, after those three hours, I was worked!

So the day wandered on. I made Christmas Cards for those I needed to see last night. Some of my coworkers at Avila saw some of my work, and asked me to have an art show at the club... and sell them! That was pretty exciting.

I had lunch with Betsy, right on the cliffs in Shell Beach. The waves were huge! We were guessing at least 10 feet. Pretty amazing view at Silver Shoals.

I ended my night with a mending of a relationship that really needed mending... and here I sit today, packing up my things to snowboard!!! Finally, a little snow!!!

Must... keep... packing.

Holidays

I sit here, feet swollen, tired... planning out my next two days. I've been working at Giuseppe's from about 4-11pm every day this week. Getting home late, then up early is exhausting.

I'm so excited to snowboard, and more importantly see my family. I miss them... their support... and thier company.

Tomorrow is a busy day, with 5 clients, one class, dinner plans and packing for the trip. I still haven't put everything I'd wanted to together for Christmas. I know that those who know me well, know I am always/usually late on gifts.

I hope that these jobs get easier and I find my rhythm eventually. Until then, I may be a little cranky and sleep in when I'm not supposed to. Change is inevitable, change is good, but change is mentally and physically taxing.

Horsing Around

Too much computer screen time makes my head ache. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in front of the computer now that music and photos are on screen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I did however get in a little Riverdance this morning, which really just consisted of me dancing around my studio to the soundtrack, but enough to stoke my soul a little.

I'm discovering how dance and play can be incorporated into elongating the spine...

Winter's chill is ever prevalent, and it's hard to keep my body moving. None the less, I feel good. I finally have some time off before the other jobs are starting...

Someone whose picture continues to make me smile:

The Moon Cloud

I was born on a full moon. For as long as I can remember, moons have made me crazy... but I'm aware of it.

Each full moon brings a different level of confusion. Sometimes, they define meaning of an aspect in my life, bring about a culmination to a situation; they generally climax any plot going on in my life.

This moon is no different. It's not even full yet, tomorrow is the day, but I'm already crazy. Dwelling over passed loves, dwelling on where I've been, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm not... dwelling in general.

The best thing for me to do in this state is walk away. I'm strong in who I am and the path I'm on in life. I know everything is OK, but this big ball of light is pulling all the emotion from my soul and wrapping it around my mind.

I'm tired of it... when it comes to the moon, is ignorance really bliss?

A Look Into the Future

Like the translucent quality of water,

my life has finally found clarity.

There are new journeys here to embark upon,

and many leaps to be made.

It's freedom time.

Ahhhhshtanga

Yesterday was a hard day. After Nia, I dognapped Tay and drove to the ocean. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and why, but I knew the sound of the ocean would make everything right.

I felt pretty good last night after dancing, but I know there has been something missing in my life.

I've always known my body needs yoga. My hips are chronically stuck in positions not used in running, and my breath is sometimes short and shallow. After last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I proclaimed my retirement from triathlon and thought I'd just do yoga. It lasted for a while.

I received an email from my old Ashtanga teacher yesterday. I went to her class as religiously as I could, and valued her guidance. She moved to L.A. in July, and I fell out of my practice. Granted it was only about 2-3 times per week, but it was something.

Today I came back to the Primary Series, and oh did it feel good again. It was the first time that it really felt like MY practice. I modified where I needed to modify, and focused on the body parts I knew needed the extra stretch.

My headstand was less than graceful, and I didn't attempt dropbacks, but it felt great. I found my bandhas, and continued to check in with them in each pose. I wonder if I will get to a point where this practice can be a part of daily life?

All I know is that I needed it... and it felt great. It had been too long. I've nearly forgotten everything I'd worried about hours before.

In Hopes of Clarity

This past week has been stressful. Ever since I decided that it was time for a new job, my mind has been a bit confused.

I dropped off two resumes, I got two interviews. I scheduled them 45 minutes apart, both downtown.

The first one was at the new Giuseppe's. The new location is beautiful, right in the heart of downtown SLO. It's going to be amazing. This job I really want. The second interview was at the Library (strictly a bar) in which I'd be bartending. Now the potential for money making is exponential if I am a skilled bartender in SLO, but it's not the classiest place to work in all honesty.

As my blood sugar continued to drop, (I hadn't planned on both interviews, but was actually downtown for lunch plans) I ran to pluck Ray out of the bar he'd been killing time in and dashed for food. With a few minutes to eat, I drove to Avila for a witty 12 year old client and the staff Christmas party. I hung out for a while, but I was the first person there, and in my daily atire. I left when they started the train around the room. I was too exhausted.

I arrived home to a phone message. The night before I ate at Big Sky Cafe for Venessa's birthday, where I'd worked for a couple of years previously. I had dabbled with the idea of managing over there, or at the Natural Cafe, but it seemed I'd be working more hours for less pay. Chris called me to offer me a serving position. I told her I'd interviewed at Giuseppe's, and she told me she wouldn't let me come back to Big Sky if I was offered a job at Giuseppe's. Very cool of her.

So as my brain was being jumbled around yesterday, waiting for calls back, I got another call. It was an athletic club in Pismo Beach (farther from my house than Avila) wanting to hire me based on reputation.

I will also soon be starting work with Yukie and Karla again, to fulfull my internship hours for Cal Poly.

So confused. There are so many things I want to explore, but they are all preceded by a throbbing headache. I wish there were more hours in the week.

Today I hope for clarity. At least the weather is beautiful :)

Chilly Winds

I love Winter. Let me rephrase: I love snowboarding, but in order to snowboard we need snow. As much as I resent the cold for stiffening up my body, I love its expression of white powder.

Winter is always an emotional time for me. There's the birthday month, where just too many people can find me... and the dangerous driving conditions.

But, it's also a time of beauty. The natural landscape changes almost daily and is revived by the rainfall.

Los Osos is cold! I'm frozen until the second before I fall asleep to the hum of my little space heater, and frozen again once I step foot on the tile floors.

If there only was a way to transport myself from the spa to warmth again, without the 15 foot dash of cold up my back...

Ok, so I understand that this is California... but for me, it's cold!