Separation

While I was single, my solution to the lonesome feelings was to buy myself flowers... sometimes lilies, sometimes tulips, but orchids became the favorite. Orchids can be a bit tricky, I've had some last years and bloom over and over again, and I've had some die within a matter of months, never predictably.

So I ended my count of self loathing orchids with 5... some healthier than others, some still blooming, some hibernating their blossoms for winter.

There are always those heart wrenching stories about how a mother gives birth to a beautiful baby, only to lose her own precious life... and each time I walk in my kitchen (home to two orchid friends) I think of these stories. I've watched one of my orchids struggle for a few months. I bought her because she had a few flawed leafs and I thought it would deter anyone else from taking her home. She had the most beautiful buds and the flowers that had opened were amazing.

So she's struggled, and I finally got to the point of separating baby from mother in hopes of saving mom's life. So her beautiful blossoms sit next to her in a cylindrical glass as she wilts away. Heart wrenching I know.

Here they are...





Wishing momma and daughter luck in this chilly California winter as I research how best to save her life.

Much Betta

Since the last time I've written, things have drastically improved... as you may have imagined. I tend to write more on a frustration level rather than an elated level, although both are beneficial.

I've discontinued all contact with the other studio in town that had entangled the community in so much strain and stress, and immediately my life shifted. I started teaching on Archer Street again, the studio that many of us have come to know as home. As soon as I rolled out my mat for that first class, my spirit lifted more than one could have predicted.

I decided to cut back my hours at Kennedy, and maybe even all together. I do have a few clients that I'd like to keep on track, and keeping ties is a good idea, as long as everyone knows how non-committal I have to be there.

My personal life is great. I'm enamored with someone who's been around a long time, and the timing finally seems to be just right... I have no expectations or requirements, but rather, I'm living each day to the fullest in great company.

Lunch time yoga started at the city with a warm welcome... that's been exciting. Tomorrow is class #2. Teaching beginners is a whole new battle for me, but watching beginners learn is twice as gratifying.

A deep sigh of relief that all is well, and is getting better day by day... there are bright things in my present and in my future... and all of that, I realize, is a choice.

ARRRGGGH

I am so frustrated.

My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.

So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.

I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.

I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.

So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.

I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.

I don't know what to do but cry and pray.

I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.

I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.

Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas from Mexico! I found myself in the internet cafe again, trying to get a handle on the new happenings in my SLO yoga community.

Yesterday was Christmas Day, and what an amazing one it was. We started off, as many days do, with mom's scones, followed up by small gifts, jugo de mango and huevos y papas fritas. As Christa cooked, I sat blowing my nose, mom danced around singing the 12 days of Christmas (Reggae Remixed) complete with hand movements for each day... the geese a laying and maids a milking were the most entertaining. I laughed and laughed :O)

It seems we've all shifted roles in this family, with Christa being the mom, and mom being one of the kids. I've never laughed more.

We then went to a place that has dolphins in the open ocean fenced off so that they're captive... strange. We all had mixed feelings about it, but then learned that they are born in captivity and have much longer lives kept there, and there's plenty of space for them to swim freely (well almost freely).

We sat on the beach first and drank pina coladas out of coconuts... mine wasn't strong enough so I had 2, the second with extra rum... that was bliss. We then snorkeled around for a while, I prefer still swimming with my goggles, so that's what I did, but used fins to swim around like a dolphin :O)

Then we went for our dolphin adventure, where we learned a few tricks to perform with the dolphins. It was pretty cool. I still felt bad that they were captive, but they truly seemed happy and loved all the attention. Pretty unreal.

We topped off the trip with a hike through the 'ruins' which turned out to be the tourist version, and seemed to be concrete casts of things looking like ruins. Mom walked through before us and came back screaming about 4 foot iguanas. Well she has a tendency to exaggerate, so we laughed it off and continued on. Sure enough when we came to the iguana that scared her, it looked to be 2 feet or so, but then we came upon a group of people feeding a few small iguanas... and as they kept feeding, bigger ones came out of the woodworks until really a 4 foot orange scary looking thing came out. I was taking pictures with the camera on 12X zoom when it lunged at us, making me jump and scream. It looked a lot closer, but really, it was creepy.

We took a taxi back and napped on the couches in the condo. The four of us are so lucky to not only be able to vacation like this, but to truly enjoy each other the whole time. We ran together this morning around town, with mom telling the locals that we were crazy white people.

Good times from Cozumel, Mexico. A few more days and a long trek home back to reality. Sometimes I wish I could be on vacation forever.

Me duele la cabesa

I'm in Cozumel, Mexico with significant pressure in my head. What was an itchy throat turned into a stuffy nose and head. URGH.

It's absolutely beautiful here... white sand beaches, palm trees... it's quite an interesting tourist stop though. Each day big cruise ships pull into port and unload hundreds, maybe even thousands of 'coneheads' into town. You can see them waddle about, knowing their from somewhere in the midwest... Americans at their finest, following one person with a big red sign, waiting to buy and eat, exactly what the locals want and need for survival.

The horses pulling buggies wear sombreros, which flop about on their heads as they trot down the street. Everyone wants and needs our business, and there's a piece of me unnerved by the concept. There seems to be no pollution control because all cars and scooters smoke ridiculously.

The rest of the family is diving today, and here I sit at the Internet Cafe trying to figure out the yoga community I teach in and how to keep my own steam rolling into the new year. The new location of the Yoga Centre is going to be at the Academy of Dance off of Orcutt, but I'm hesitating about riding my bike down 227 at night. Am I just being a baby? Is it time for me to not teach for a while, or teach at Kennedy or Club 24, or at a public church?

I know I may very well be building classes from the ground up, so I want to be certain that I'm doing it in a place where I'm sustainable. These thoughts are swirling in and out of my head as I try to sleep breathing out of my mouth.

Yesterday we toured the island in a jeep... drove to the east side and had yummy fish tacos, made friends with a Siamese cat named Tequila, a hound dog named Fox and a bunch of horses. Mom finally went snorkeling naked, a dream come true, and we made it back to our relaxing abode with a few Blockbuster rentals... they have Starbucks here too!

I can't tell if all the decongestants have gotten to my head, or if I'm really just this sick, but I feel terrible, dizzy and ill.

It may be time to go back to the room and put my feet up.

We are all having a blast here, snorkeling, diving (them not me), and really just spending quality time with each other, not a regular experience anymore. This family is so eccentric, as I'm sure all would claim to be, but really, these are the most entertaining three I know, always adventurous, always hilarious, always happy and hungry. There will be a detox when we get home I'm sure. It's near impossible to find a whole grain on the island.

I'm off to relax in paradise... hoping this Christmas Eve my head clears up, and I figure out just what I need. I miss the Musician, but luckily he loaded me up with groovy tunes before I left... so he remains in my thoughts. After all the years and the ups and downs, maybe we can work it out someday. I've learned that I can't hold on too tight, but just have to release it into the universe, and if it comes back, it has the potential to be a beautiful thing.

Adios :O)

Opinions and Judgements

I've noticed a few things as of late. The way I am living my life right now provokes many people to create strong opinions of me and also strong judgements.

Sometimes it's the car-less factor... making some feel insecure about the amount they spend on transportation or even just on gas. Those environmentally savvy people couldn't be more stoked about my decision. And then sometimes it's the 3 job factor, or sometimes the no insurance factor, or this that or the other.

Now I'm a strongly opinionated person, and the more opinions I collect from my peers, clients, friends and colleagues, the more I want to push them all away.

Is it just that it's different, or am I making people uncomfortable... so uncomfortable I'm receiving unsolicited advice. I can only take so much... and there are only a few in my close circle whose opinions I solicit... because I genuinely care what their opinion is.

So... I've been playing Ani Difranco's album Imperfectly a lot lately. It's got Ani's depth, but just enough light to it. There's a line I can't get enough of...

strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends

I've been thinking of relocating on a few different levels... mostly because I get tired of looking at my history in the faces of my friends... or ex boyfriends rather...

Can't get enough of that album... well, until enough is enough.

And... Pinecrest Calendar is 90% done!

Clouds

I've realized much in the last few days... especially how one certain person whose intentions were only positive, was tossing me around like I was a rag doll on the end of a whip.

I cared too much. I think that's a common Scorpio trait.

So now we prepare for Cozumel :O) Christmas in Tahoe started to lose its steam after a few too many injuries on icy slopes. The snow in California is not like it used to be!

As cold as it is, as tired as I am of working, as many stuggles as are present, I love my life.

I feel like a huge cloud was lifted.

Oh and the bare bone structure of my site is up if anyone still reads this thing :O) jennahealy.com

THINK Manifestation

Friday night played out just as I'd expected... a glass of Pinot, the Red Curry with Tofu, good company and good laughs. Someone made a comment about the boys and girls on opposite sides of the table... and sure enough, there were 4 guys sitting across from 5 girls... then I noticed, I was the lone girl, and furthermore, the lone person wedged between 4 couples. Great. I'm that girl. After a drunken phone call from a certain someone, I called it a night.

Saturday was productive, lots of laundry, Tay time, cleaning and more cleaning. I pretty much sat myself down at about 5 PM and never got back up, only to eat. This morning, Betsy and I took the dogs to the beach and had breakfast, which meant now I had a sandy wet dog, clean floors and an over stuffed belly.

Tonight was the Kennedy Fitness Paso club dinner where we toured the club and were served horrible things--pizza and Chinese food. Healthy.

I ran before the dinner tonight, to try and warm my body and clear my head. Here's my summary, yet again... 3 jobs, no car, paying over half my income in rent, poor, frustrated and alone, oh and my insurance ran out on Friday. And the more my life sucks, the more I eat. The feeling of running is so good, except this time I ran to pound my legs into the pavement. By about 5 miles my shin bone started to ache like a stress fracture. I decided it would probably go away if I ran lighter, but it didn't. My entire run I was on the verge of tears... how do I keep getting myself into the same place over and over again? What am I doing wrong? The harder I pounded, the better I felt.

It may be time to move... soon. Problem is, when it's time, it will be summer and everything will be warm and beautiful. I started to apply for a position at Google, and started looking for other part time work, but it's not out there at the right price... I inquired about making my position at the City full time, and apparently it's not even up for discussion until 2009. It all makes me want to cry, and I'm not even pre-menstrual and I'm sober.

I can manifest anything right?

The Weekend is Here

The start of another weekend. Ahhh... just what I need, some time to nest and hang out with my boo. Tonight is one of those nights to Eat Out Save Lives nights, where 10% of participating restaurants profits goes to Aids Support. So, in honor of this event, and Karla who now works for Aids Support Network, we are going to Novo :O) We'll see if I can resist the red curry with tofu and forbidden black rice. Why try? It makes me so happy.

I'm getting used to my life now. The evenings are no longer strange... I'm no longer seeking company when I get home. Just my Tay and my music, that's all I need. Oh and sobriety. No intoxicants for this girl right now. Well maybe for the sake of AIDS... just one beautiful glass of Pinot Noir. That'll do.

I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm OK. I looked back and read what I've been writing lately and realized that I'm writing about being alone A LOT. I concluded that I just need to keep continuously reassuring myself, that's all. I'm OK.

Off to walk downtown to work up an appetite. Mmmm... red curry.

A Sideways Dream of Oahu

What really matters...

This whole alone thing is hard. I never thought I was the kind of person who needed someone else. I've never really lived all by myself however. If I didn't have Taylor, I'd go crazy. At least I can talk to him.

I have a client at Kennedy who always likes to give me advice. I've done a fairly good job of separating my personal life from the lives of my clients... but when you spend hours per week with people, you talk... and they know when somethings on your mind. Yesterday I made a huge effort to just tune in to their bodies and healing their bodies, and I had multiple people ask me what was wrong. My response was always "nothing, I'm just focused."

I've been making an effort to carry NO emotional stress with me. I can't handle it. It's so toxic for me... the most toxic of all the stressors.

So today, I take Tay to get his teeth cleaned, run around town a bit and try to vamp up the Wellness Room at the City.

Oh, point of my story, that same client says to me, "Jenna, you are working 3 jobs, not making enough and don't even have a car! What are you doing?!" I thought about it, and then thought about a few months ago when all I wanted was financial security (I'm getting closer only because I have savings from my car) and a house of my own. Well, I feel like those two needs are being met, but that I'm on a limited amount of time in this scenario of making little and paying a ton in rent before I have to either move or get a higher paying job... hopefully by then all my car savings won't have disappeared!

The most important thing is and continues to be... I AM HAPPY... although I'm without a man friend, I am not alone, and I have all the love an support I could ever ask for.

Home Ruminations

It's the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm cozy on my parent's couch awaiting my turn on the massage table. Tofurky Day itself was a blast. 3 days of cooking (mostly by my mom) culminated in a glorious vegan feast. Stuffed roasted pumkins with polenta and some fancy sauce, potatoes-sweet and garlic varietals, sparkling Kombucha in champagne glasses... blanched brussel sprout, leek and pecan salad. Oh, everything was divine. Topped off by vegan chocolate ganache with soy dream ice cream.

What a fantastic meal it was... and has continued to be. We reheated the goji berry and butternut squash cornbread stuffing a few times, along with winter squash and lentil parsnip soups.

The house was filled with love and acceptance. We danced, played, laughed, smiled... what a treat it was to have the extended family back together again. NREFMs (Non Related Extended Family Members) make up the majority of our parties... and although none of the individuals who come have much other local family, this family is the solid foundation which we all stand upon.

I'm not alone... that's what I need to keep in my head. I'm not alone.

The musician has reappeared, and has made a strong comeback. We've been working on strengthening our friendship before complicating matters further... until temptation presents itself. I feel like I've found myself in a whirlwind of fallen expectations in a relationship without expectations... and I don't know quite what to do with myself, except retreat. The stakes with him are too high.

Ray delivered Taylor and I to my parents house on Thursday... and I couldn't have been more glad to share in his company. He was heading to see some family and then to his new girl's parent's house for a few days. The beautiful thing about Ray and I is that we love each other so much, we know that we're connected forever, and anyone new knows that's a prerequisite to becoming involved. I'm not sure how she feels about me, or the joint custody we share of Taylor, but I know how Ray feels... unconditional love... that's what it's all about.

It's hard to get my head straight sometimes. In a life where I'm the healer, the teacher, the guru so to speak for the majority of time... I need to be very careful about the relationships I have in my life, and those who I allow in my inner circle. One toxic relationship is one too many for me, and only the strongest survive in my world... although I will accept people for who they are, I can't save everyone... only myself.

So as I fold my laundry, pack my bags, and await my massage, I will start saving myself... start mentally cutting ties and shifting my energy from the non-reciprocal into the reciprocal unconditional.

Now, something to make us all smile from this weekend...

The golden one

I realized I'm never alone in the arms of a golden retriever...

bless his little heart.

Alone

Life continues to evolve. I'm now twenty five... have three jobs, no car, no T.V., four bikes, and a great life.

I live to love, and love to live... but when I have nobody to love, the wheels in my head and heart spin, like tires stuck in sand.

I should be happy alone. I should be just fine alone. I hate being alone right now. I long for someone to hold me, to watch the moon cycle and dream with me. My fingers wish to scratch my lovers back in the morning light.

I should be happy alone.

My life is scheduled by the hour, every hour... I am booked up over a month in advance. Not that being in high demand is a problem, but I find myself neglecting to put energy back into my tank.

Each hour is dedicated to a person or a group of people and their well being. I DO take care of myself... I eat very well, exercise a ton, and feel good in my skin... but I don't have enough time for massage, for dance, for my own yoga, for my errands. I guess I just don't have enough time.

I should be happy to be busy.

I understand why people numb themselves with drugs and alcohol... because even when life is beautiful, it's completely overwhelming.

Breathe.

Even when your own father disregards your twenty fifth birthday, just breathe.

I am stronger for the challenges in my life.

I am thankful for the challenges in my life.

I am alone. I am challenged alone. I am happy alone.

I will not numb my alone time, but rather embrace the silent beauty when my bed feels all too big for just one.

The Moon's Slave

I am the slave of the moon.
It's the only thing I'm interested in.
So don't talk to me about anything other than
the moon, the candle, the sweet taste of sugar.

Don't ever speak the word "trouble" out loud.
Talk to me only of treasure.
If you don't understand what I'm getting at,
then please leave me alone.

Rumi

26.2 Tomorrow!

This is it. This is the moment we've all been waiting for--at least for the last six months. The marathon is TOMORROW. 26.2 freaking miles!

The trail is beautiful, rolling dirt hills... but very very cold.

On the way up here, we stopped in Chico for dinner at a really good raw foods place. In a very satisfying food coma afterward, I passed out in the back seat. I woke up to an entire front wind sheild of white snow. It must have dumped 6 inches while we were driving in the Prius!

So I had the entire Emergency Action Plan in my head... I was ready mentally, but just hoping by the grace of whichever angels were watching, that we'd survive and make it to Susanville. Holy smokes was it scary. No chains, pitch black except for the snowy view.

So tonight we prepare. We just induldged in vegetable soup, salad, hummus and bread. We've turned our little Apple Inn into a bed and breakfast, with one burner, a pot and skillet. We've got enough food for an army! At least for 3 hungry hippos. Marathon training has led me to eat more than I ever have.

I realized something about people. People who don't like to drink enough water, often times overeat... and then the equilibrium gets thrown off.

We have been hanging out the last 2 days, doing lots of yoga, meditating, and my favorite, bird watching! As much as I make fun of the whole bird watching thing, it's actually really interesting. I'm glad I can entertain myself with yoga however.

So tonight I sleep... and tomorrow I finally purge all this stored up energy! Wahooie! 26.2. That's a damn long way to run.

I've got great pictures--the colors here are magnificent. Yellows and reds on the trees, snowy hills and green grasses. Fall has begun.

Hopefully my nerves can calm themselves tonight... and tomorrow I accomplish one of the biggest feats of my entire life... with my parents and one of my best friends.

Life is good.

The Secret

Today is Sunday... tomorrow is the first full day of my new job... and next Sunday is marathon day! A full 26.2 of rolling dirt hills at 5,000 feet. Wahooie!

Life has finally picked up for me, and I can't be for certain, but I feel I owe so much to yoga and meditation, well and patience. I've finally gotten all I've been looking for--somehow, someway.

For a long time, I've contested bringing organized religion into my life. My twelve year old Hume Lake Christian Camp traumatized me enough for a lifetime... but I'm starting to re-examine to power of prayer. I don't know if I necessarily agree with a lot of what organized religions do or believe, but the mere fact of consistent prayer and positive thought is something to admire.

I feel I've found my religion in yoga. It mends my mind, heart and soul in a matter of minutes. It allows me to be calm, present, sincere... it allows me to be proud of who I am and express myself clearly with love and compassion. I LOVE YOGA.

I know that I've gotten to the place I am today because of my determination and hard work... but I will never again underestimate the power of positive thinking.

Long Hiatus

Life has changed quite a bit since I've last written. I've acquired a new place to live, which is so very beautiful. I feel like I'm in France. The little house is so serene, just Taylor and I being the sole occupants. I love every minute. I have no T.V. but tons of books, and up until 10 minutes ago, no internet.

I sold my car... and didn't take a loss, but now bike EVERYWHERE. It's actually a really great life lesson for me in stress management, and energy flow... and breath work, and so much more. I'm loving it. But the rain will be tricky.

I also just took a new position as the City Wellness Coordinator. Yay for me! I will now work part time at the city, and part time as a Master Trainer at Kennedy, and part time as a Yoga Instructor, just at Tridosha for now.

Life is good. Being single is a shift, but one I'm OK with. I have more time now for abandoned relationships and lost hobbies, although most hobbies involve exercise.

I'm two weeks out from my first 26.2 mile marathon and I feel strong... and I couldn't be happier about those I'm running with--my mom, Larry, and Sandy. I've had so much fun training with each of them.

Blank Canvas

It's nearly the end of July and more transitions on the horizon. I finally move in to my new downtown 1 bedroom. YAY!! I am really really really excited but very nervous about money. A few months ago, when I was working 12 hour days consistently, I had enough money for a new car, travels, etc. Now that I'm working a normal 8-9 hour day, I don't have so much money, and the combo of a new stunning rent payment... well, it's making me quite nervous.

SO, I'm going to... deep breath... try living without a car for a while, granted I can sell it. I bought it just 7 months ago, and LOVE it, but can't afford it and rent, and to stay at my current place of employment. So, I've posted it online, and hopefully someone will want it. I need to call the bank again and make sure I know the SOP. If I do this, I can get really close to paying off my student loans (hopefully) and just maybe get closer to $0.

I'm trying to get creative with what I want to do now. I'm feeling that there may be a big career shift for me, although I'm not quite sure what I want to invest my time into, besides yoga. The activities that make me the happiest are yoga, writing, and running. It will be many many moons before someone wants to pay me enough to live off of from just yoga... writing, well I don't think you'd call my writing technical, and running, well I'm no gazelle.

OK, so in the yoga community, I'm looking into some of the local opportunities but also the national companies who may want me to work remotely. That'd be sweet.

The wine industry... being a food critic... hairdresser, bartender, hmmmm... I just don't know. I will figure it out. I will say I'm good at what I do now, but it's sure taxing.

Change is the theme of the summer, and it's not bad.

My career, and even my life is a blank canvas right now. Man I'm gonna miss that car.

The Good Bad and Ugly

I started teaching yoga at Tridosha last week, and I've LOVED it so far. I received a warm welcome my first class with 7 people. Being a small room, I think the maximum is probably about 20, but the largest I've seen is about 10. I was stoked. I'm hoping I will continue to grow as an instructor and this can be my modality instead of personal training. I'm tired. I'm tired of pushing people past their physical limits only to be tired, not to also have peace of mind and open energetic pathways.

My second class had 3 people... which was also fun, but my Monday morning 7AM class, not surprisingly had NOT ONE person but me. So I practiced by myself and it was glorious. Absolutely glorious.

Being in the yoga studio makes me dread going to work, to the shaking office where there's always someone demanding your attention. I love the peace and quiet and meditative state of mind. I don't feel overstimulated in that environment, I feel GOOD and STABLE and SANE. Getting into that state of mind makes you not even need to over eat or over indulge.

I'm trying really hard not to be frustrated, but the reality is that I may need to move away from SLO. I know I can make a good life for myself here--but I'm stumbling quite a bit. There's no job market here, even for those with as many connections as I have. I will create it, I will find my next job, but my oh my am I frustrated with my situation.

I am considering selling my car and riding a bike everywhere, and in theory it sounds fine since I'll be living in SLO and working in SLO, but I know not being able to get to the beach with Tay or home to my parents would be dreadful.

Deep breaths. Deep, rich, beautiful breaths.