Quiet Elephant, You'll Spoil the Peace!

It's Monday, Memorial Day. I've come quite accustomed to my morning ruminations (as mom calls them). For years I lost my mornings, that extra few hours of sleep, and finally I have them back. I get up around 7am, let Tay out to fetch the paper, feed him and myself, drink my tea and read the paper. So simple, but it makes all the difference in my world. Also routine is checking the internet and paper 10 times a day for housing. Still no luck.

Since vacation, taking time in the morning really has changed my entire life. I do more yoga, feel less stressed, look more put together at work... I'm no longer playing catch up all day. All this I will remember if taking on a new role or position.

The weekend has been pretty mellow for me, Ray had to work every night for the last 5 nights, meaning I have evening ruminations as well. One of Ray's friends usually appears so I have some company, but even alone I enjoy the time. I love living in SLO. It's such a gem of a town, only lacking one thing--diversity.

Having conflicting schedules isn't so good for Ray and I, but we're making the best of it. I'm asleep when he comes home in the middle of the night and he's asleep when I'm getting up in the morning. It works well for Tay though, and that's all that really matters. Tay has Ray or I all day and night, every day and night. Not to mention all our company, plus Katie, Vic, and Mattie, who constantly give him attention. Spoiled dog. He's doing much better, but still not 100%. When Tay was sick, my world was not OK. I don't think I'm going to cope well to his aging.

Well, it's off to work. My client load is so light... I only kept my absolute favorites which means my days go pretty smoothly now :O) The only thing making me nervous is that my world could change in an instant... it's like the big elephant in the room... and I have no idea what I want in all of it.

In a Split Second

Quite an interesting day for me today. Relationships can begin as fast as they can end.

The beginning of a new friendship--in Amanda, Joe's most recent ex. I was suprised how much we had to talk about and how we could instantly just jump in and become friends. There's something to be said about supporting a fellow girl whose shoes look very much like my own at one point in time. She's marathon training, and I bet we'll have a lot to talk about running together.

On the flip side...

It seems my relationship with my father is on the rocks to say the least. Appparently Christa and I are immature for not sending generic hallmark cards for mother's day and birthdays. We've emailed back and forth now for a few days, and the further it all goes, the more I just want to dissociate. It's not like it's every year we don't send anything. We've been pretty good about it since we've grown up, but this year is unique in the chaos we both have in our lives.

Chaos and transition. There are so many scars, so much pain, so many failed expectations between the three of us. Maybe it's just too hard. Maybe there will always be too much judgement about why he left and how we've not become who he's wanted us to be. But, I have no complaints about who I am and what I've accomplished thus far in life.

It's just interesting how quickly life moves. Relationships are ended as fast as they're begun.

I do wish to someday reconcile with my father, but it's almost too easy to just let it go and appreciate Larry that much more. I am so thankful to have Larry in my life, it makes this situation less heavy because I know Larry is unconditional. He supports me no matter what and lives his life every day with love, trust, and integrity. Lucky him; lucky me.

Oh to get back to that wave...

Well, I'm back. Back to work, back to reality.

It's been a few weeks since I've written, mostly because I've been swept away in work and things. Wildflower Triathlon was the weekend Ray and I got home. We had so much fun with the family... Christa, Mom, Larry, Kurt, Ray, Chelsea, Lilly, Bennett and of course Taylor. Some of our friends from SLO also competed. It was a great festival weekend. The race was hot and hilly, just as I'd remembered. It was a lot harder to race completely untrained, but none the less, I finished with an OK time.

I felt great for a few weeks being home... amazingly fabulous until the same work issues presented themselves. I'm still waiting to hear on the new proposal I wrote. We should have known a few weeks ago, but no word yet. Apparently there have been some delays. That part is frustrating for me. I hesitate to commit to too many people at the club because I'm not sure what the future holds for me there. Frustrating. It may be time for me to create my own project. Maybe this weekend I'll work on creating my next job...

I realized I haven't posted any pictures in a while. Let me see if I can find any--I'm on Ray's computer...



Here's one of me dropping into a wave in Waikiki. I love those warm slow rollers. I could surf there all day--in fact, that's all I'd want to do if I lived there.

I had the most stressful day at work today I've had I think ever. The boss man really came down on our department, and most other departments in the building. People are getting laid off, hours cut back, pay reduced... it's mayhem. Being a manager is not fun in these times.

I felt the stress vibrate in my body for the beginning of the day... a few hours went by and I'd seemingly shaken it off, but as I made it home and relaxed, the stress turned into anger which turned into to tears. I was angry that something like this has to happen, angry that we can't afford as a company to pay our employees the cost of living. Such raw frustration.

I really feel like it's time to take the wheel and create what exactly I want. Since being back from vacation I've set better boundaries. I sleep in, train few clients and really take care of myself first. Sleeping in makes all the difference in the freaking world. I am twice as happy.

Well, now I think I'll focus on what's next. Start to create a new vision... anyone have any ideas?

Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast.

Thursday on Oahu... we finally made it back to the North Shore today. After 3 days in Waikiki, we were more than ready to come back up. The North Shore is much more mellow, and when the surf is firing, it's muy grande up here.

We had fun in Waikiki... 3 straight days of longboarding, some snorkeling, lots of walking and hanging out drinking Coronas. It's tourist town down there though. They've got the top designer stores down there now too like Fendi, Gucci, etc., and a Trump tower going up soon. It's a very different vibe.

We hopped on beach cruisers today for a stroll and it started raining on us. Since the air and rain is so warm, we kept riding. Ray said I was having too much fun on a bike. And I was. Happy freaking day.

Life is good here. I could definately live in this--but then how ever could I live anywhere else? It doesn't get much better.

It's so nice to have life slow down so much. Time to think, to sleep, to breathe. I am so happy on vacation. Like I always think... I could vacation for a living, no problem.

I guess eventually we have to go back to reality. Soon it will be Summer in SLO and life is pretty peachy with those conditions too.

I am REALLY missing Tay right now. It's been the longest in years I've been away from him. I saw him for a day between NY and Hawaii and he literally pinned me down... put his foot on my chest. I guess he was telling me something.

It's time for me to get a new place to live. If anyone still reads this, help me manifest a new studio with room for Taylor and a groovy location. Shell Beach or SLO town. I'm not too picky :O)

A few more days of paradise, then back to reality. Reality is pretty good too, but it's not quite Oahu's paradise.

Aloha!

Ray and I flew out of San Francisco on Saturday after a killer 8 mile hill run at Quicksilver with the parents and Sandra. What a blast it is to run free in the mountains! Taylor and Luna both reached their capacity at about 7 miles, so the last one was slow goin, but none the less incredible.

We arrived on Oahu at about 9pm, and headed North. We made it to the North Shore at about 10pm and were greeted by some awesome friends. I had no idea that there were guys in their 30s just hanging around surfing like Ray. These guys were everywhere. We blew up an aero bed and slept like babies. My head cold did not bode well with the plane ride, but a good night of sleep allieviated some of the pressure in my head.

First day on Oahu, we went for a driving tour, up the hill to an ancient temple site to check the view and the surf, down to check Pipeline and Sunset. The surf was huge. It looked just like all those movies we'd watched for so long back in cold watered California. There were surfers everywhere.

The people out here are much different from New Yorkers. It's like night and day. They're relaxed, they breathe, they go with the flow and don't really stress out. These people don't resist... they don't fight against what is, or try to prove what isn't. It's a beautiful thing.

It's good to see Ray... 3 weeks apart is a long time. He's happy here. I know he'd move back in a second if I said now. Ray and John paddled out at Freddy Land and V Land that day--yesterday. I stayed on the beach and read Song of Solomon--the Toni Morrison book I picked up at the airport. The book my mom's been telling me I must read. I'm loving it so far.

I watched them paddle out, but lost sight of them as they joined the sea of about 50 surfers in the line-up. Such good waves, such amazing surfers. They eventually came out, ran down the beach to where I was, and got going.

Amazingly enough, a friend of John's score Jack Johnson tickets. It's a festival he puts on every year, and this year Eddie from Pearl Jam, Matt Costa, and some local Hawaiian artists played. The show was meant to celebrate Earth Day and to teach the kids Kokua or respect for the land and ocean. It was freaking amazing. Warm breeze, warm rain, smiles... the people here are free. They don't trip out. They don't judge. They are so easy going. Anyway, the boys are going to surf and I'm going to hang out on the beach and in mother ocean.

This is paradise. Aloha!

Being Fearless in 2007

Ok, on to the conference. We had our first day with Seane Corn. She's just gotten back from India with Ashley Judd, who is the Global Ambassador for YouthAids and an actress.

She spoke for about 3 hours about India, the chakras in our own bodies, Carolynn Myss, and yoga. She has a great story, and great personality.

We went into the practice, and I don't know if I had too much PMS or if I was in a sensitive place, but I did not have a good experience. Since there were beginners in the room, she toned down the class a bit, but still made it difficult for everyone. What I didn't like was that she'd get us into asanas and seemingly leave us while she'd talk about something conceptual. After about 10 breaths, my mind tuned out and I started to get angry and feel abandoned. Maybe that's my lesson. Maybe it's time for me to start addressing anger and abandonment. It wasn't a one time thing though, it was the entire practice of these types of asanas, and the interesting part was, she wouldn't tell us how long we were planning on, so on some poses it was 5 breaths, and some 20-30 breaths. It was exhausting, and my blood sugar started to get low. Perhaps that's the emotion that needed be evoked, but I was not a happy camper, and I'd just had 10 days of perfectly taught JivaMukti classes. URGH. I don't know if her mind was caught up, or if this is how she generally teaches, but it wasn't something I'd go back to. She did talk again afterwards about chakras and other really interesing stuff. I have no doubt in her abilities, but this execution was painful and disheartening.

Ok, moving on. We saw Jane Goodall who was 100% enjoyable to watch speak. She is the one who studied with Luis Leeky in Africa and the first ever to live with Apes. She got her doctorate degree at Cambridge and went on to help apes and many other animals and humans too in her life. She started a company called Roots and Shoots, for our world's youth, read more about it!

Al Gore was terrific! He was ever so sly about addressing the country's current state, and was truely funny with his sarcasm. He is so well educated, and so very smart. He's got great insight into our globe and how to help keep this world a float. He failed to recognize how shifting to an animal free diet would better the Global Warming issue, but it's been estimated that 18% is from animal agriculture. That's more than fuel emissions from cars to my understanding. I think if he gets too far fetched he'd be rejected. Baby steps.

We saw Andrew Harvey, author of Sacred Activism, who reminded me much of the character from Back to the Future. He spoke about organized religion, about souls, about being crucified and reborn in our own lives, about archetypes, and about forgiving yourself.

We saw and heard much more. If any more comes to me I'll add it in. Oh, we saw Bobby McFerrin, who sung without any words, but rather chanted and made noises, beat on his own chest! He introduced Jane Goodall and Al Gore. He was great. He's the one who wrote 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'.

We also did a Chi Gong/Tai Chi class with Michael Craft, who was amazing.

We saw David Gershon who spoke about The Low Carbon Diet. His lecture was a little dry, and I became distracted and left. I found a company called I (heart) Yoga, started by a guy named Moses, which looks to be good stuff.

Well, thanks to Stephan Rechtschaffen and Elizabeth Lesser, founders of Omega, for another great year.

Back in California for some sunshine and quality TRI training before Hawaii! Wahooie!

Connecticut and Broadway

So after spending the evening with family again, sleeping on the couch, and waking early to make it to Grand Central Station in time for a Connecticut train, we were off!

We made it to Connecticut where Nancy (my grandmother's best friend) picked us up. Oh how beautiful it was to see her. She dropped us off at Aunt Teeper's house, whose existance has always been interesting to say the least. That side of my mom's family was very very wealthy, and watching the trauma of that unfold has been... well, interesting.

Christa and I set out in Teeper's 2003 Mercedes E class with something like 8,000 miles on it. She never drives it... always takes her Jag. We went to Rowaton market, a familiar place. We bought lunch and drove back singing and dancing in the car. Aunt teeper doesn't cook, doesn't eat much either.

After the dog food scare, she bought Pepperidge Farms cookies and only let her dog Lulu eat cookies for weeks. Like I said, interesting.

Anyway, we had dinner with Nancy that evening after a great nap and a drive around Darien. Nancy and mom talked all about who lived where and whose kids had become what or died early or moved wherever. They both agreed that they were the only two who could talk this way anymore, for everyone else has transcended on.

We ate dinner at the Lime, a fabulous restaurant with the same waitress we see once a year. Nancy shared her wisdom about sisterhood, relationships, and life, which we all LOVED her reflections on.

We woke up to rain, lots and lots of it. We made it to the train station and back to the city, still pouring. Grand Central had a cab line about 25 people deep. If we didn't have so much luggage we'd have walked, but we waited until our turn. Made it to the Sheraton eventually, where I began working on my new project... yes working. Christa and mom showed up with uncle Michael a few hours later after looking for Broadway tickets.

We ate at phenomenal restaurants... vegan or raw all of them. The favorites were Gobo, Pure Food and Wine, and Angelica's Kitchen.

We ate things like RAW ravioli, avocado soup, nut cheeses, etc. We also came across a couple who wrote the book RAWvolution. They started a restaurant in Santa Monica and SHIP OUT raw food on a weekly basis! The menu each week is different too! I think I will start ordering when I get back from Hawaii.

Broadway was great. We saw Company on Friday night, a show where each character not only sung, they carried around a musical instrument. They ranged from the flute, stand up base, french horn, trumets, triangle, and more. It was about one guy who is single and dating around. He has a bunch of couples who he hangs out with. All the girls and some of the guys want him. Their relationships start to evolve and fall apart, but they all encourage him to marry none the less. He wants to marry, but also is surrounded by a world that doesn't give the impression that it would last. It was great.

Then on Sunday night we went to The Color Purple. That was by FAR the best Broadway show I've EVER seen. Holy shit. The soul in those voices, the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the triumph. The theater was vibrating with energy, soulful, earthy, heavy energy. It was exquisit. Thank you Oprah!

New York Round Two

The second half of my journey in New York begun on Tuesday; my mom and sister arrived in the early evening. Knowing they'd be famished and needing nourishment, I'd gone to the local produce stand and bought as many vegetables as I could carry.

I knew dinner may be in a few different rounds... Morgan was due to arrive along with Ryan and Michelle. I prepped a gigantic bowl of vegetables: kale, cabbages, carrots, onions. I had tofu marinating in low sodium soy sauce (a second to shoyu), ginger, garlic and olive oil. In another bowl I had a huge salad with everything you could imagine! Carrots, spinach, mixed greens, cabbage, sprouts, etc. I also had sweet potatoes 90% done so the last heat would make them perfect. So when people showed up, all I had to do was throw ingredients into a pan, and poof! Dinner was served.

We took both dogs for a walk before Ryan and Michelle arrived, wandering around the streets of Brooklyn. It felt great to have a comfort group again.

I realized how much I depend on other people to motivate ME sometimes. I mean, it's a much different world motivating and UNmotivated person without anyone around you. It's almost too easy to get sucked in to T.V. or the comforts of a couch.

I did learn a lot while I was there, and I hope Ryan did too. I learned how I will act on these intensives in the future, and realize that if it's a live-in situation, I probably need to venture out more on my own.

I had a GREAT time... saw so many things. I'm going to start a new post to trick you into reading more!

Surviving via Yoga

After ONE week... I start to think. I could NEVER live here. What happened to being able to walk around in nature? What happened to friendly people? What happened to all these people to make them so driven and busy? The vibration of all the energy is unreal, and in the beginning--foreign. It's starting to frustrate me that now I'm used to this!

Don't get me wrong... I've had a blast here, and there is much more fun to have, but REALLY, I'm ready for California sunshine, directly followed by Hawaii sunshine. F*ck this cold weather and dreary people.

Jivamukti has been my only saving grace. The studio is amazing. The teachers are phenomenal, and syncronized in their teachings. You can tell they've all gone through the same training. Each class has similar components and series' but is also unique to the teaching style.

Let's see... what have I observed in the quality of their teachings...

Each class starts with chanting, singing and 3 invocations of om. Some of the instructors play that accordian/piano looking thing, whose name escapes me. There is a monthly focus. This month it's trataka. It's the practice (or my interpretation of it) of looking at a flame or an object without blinking and allowing your eyes to water. Once they do, you turn your practice internal and look through your 3rd eye. Each class I've done the meditation. It's pretty cool. The link will tell you a lot more about it.

The instructors then start with Surya Namaskar A and B, or some variation of them. The sequences are like none other I've practiced. They make sense... they're fun, but challenging. There was only one pose in the last 5 days I couldn't do... it was a version of a warrior 2 I believe, where you grab your front foot and straighten that leg. It's actually the pose David Swenson is doing on the left of these links. Wow. I did get the foot a little up, but holy smokes. That could have been the hardest attempted pose I've tried. I know there is much harder out there, but geez.

They all count: inhale, exhale, one... inhale, exhale, two... etc. Very clearly, methodically. The teachers instruct like leaders. This is how you do it. Period. It reminds me of Peter or Tawny--two teachers who definately have the articulation down.

I wonder when I'll start teaching more yoga. Up until this point, it's been small groups and private sessions. I guess I'd rather have an organized training before teaching. I don't make the time as of now to learn the Sanskrit, and I don't want to teach large groups until I do. Maybe I'm just scared.

I think what it really is, is just saying it over and over again, the verbal instructions that is. Over and over. I think I'll get an audio recorder and just start practicing. That's what it takes.

Well life at home is so busy that if I just get my own practice in, I'm a happy camper. I haven't been training for Wildflower. It's less than a month away, and I haven't done anything in a week but yoga. I feel great, but race day I may be hurting.

Well, I'm off to bed. Still on west coast time. It's almost 2am here. Time for the subway to rattle my bed in the wee hours of the morning, and the police cars to flash lights and sirens to go off. Oh how I love the city.

I close my eyes and think... just make the rats disappear. OMM...

Rats on the subway. Ick. The smell of the city has become normal, making me wonder if now I smell the same?

Last night I met up with one of my clients and his kids. We went out to a club, that was phenomenally fun. We had to drop the magic name to get in, but once inside we set up for thenight. Late night dancing and 2 bottles of Belvedere later, I took a cab back to Brooklyn. I love to dance.

I went to yoga today and yesterday. It's amazing yoga. Precise, articulate instructors, real chanting, exhilarating energy. There were about 100 people in today's Saturday 4pm class. In SLO, there are only morning weekend classes. This is crazy. To see 100 people in headstand or wheel pose, it's breath taking.

Ryan is being awesome and having great success sticking to his semi-vegetarian, dairy free, wheat free diet. I got a temporary gym membership so I won't go too crazy. It's still freaking cold though. I've seen 2 days of snow flurry... and this is April. Crazy.

I'm watching his 2 boxers silently knaw on eachothers faces. I still am going on the theory that inside dogs with no backyard go crazy. At least he has a roof they can roam on.

Well, dinner is made and eaten... I suppose I'll do something else. Hmmm... but what?

I imagine New Yorkers have knee issues in general from all the stairs and bad arch supported shoes. I keep observing body mechanics. It's just my nature.

Oh and the people here--still weird. Still off in so many lost worlds... and I say lost to me, but to them, I suppose I'm the lost one. It still holds true that the most friendly, centered population... the only ones that look you in the eyes... the yogis. Imagine that.

Hopefully I can get those rats out of my head. Maybe there are even some teenage mutant ninja turtles under there!!

The Gloomy Side of NYC

It's Friday. My fifth day of New York. Thus far it's been interesting... interesting in the sense that it's not home. It isn't my beloved central coast with endless mountains of clean air to climb, or ocean to play in.

Everything is spacially challenged here. The pools are advertised by feet instead of yards or meters... and FYI, 75 feet means damn short. You see a lot more junk everywhere.

I think the thing most challenging about the city is the people. They are unfriendly for the most part. You don't look at people in the eyes, which for me is horrible and challenging.

The other part of it all is living in someone else's space and trying to teach him how to reprogram his routines. Every night I blow up a double decker aero-bed, which, when it doesn't deflate isn't too bad to sleep on. I haven't had sheets, which means mid way through the night I wake up cold... or thinking the world has ended due to the sounds outside. I definately am not getting quality sleep.

Ryan gets up to work and I can either get up and out, or go back to bed in his room. It's alright. Oh and my clothes are in his room so the dogs don't chew them... which means I have to plan for anything before he rises to pack adequate clothing.

I feel like I'm cooking constantly, which I enjoy, but I'm trying to make things he'll enjoy... and coming from a donut and diet coke man--let's just say his body is in shock... tastebuds and all.

These are all good lessons.

We exercised yesterday, for the first time in a while. Damn I needed it. I was getting pretty cranky. It's harder to exercise here. It's cold... the gyms are small and equipment poorly taken care of.

I think I'll venture to D.C. today or tomorrow... see how much independence I can create in Ryan's eating routines.

Don't get me wrong... I am greatly enjoying my time, it's just an adjustment. I think the reason why I thought a month would be a good idea is because Ryan said that if I was coming to at least come for that long. I'm starting to think that was mostly for his benefit.

I don't need a month here. 3 weeks will be plenty, and Christa and Mom will be here soon enough. I do miss my beloved wine country, rolling hills, and ocean breeze.

And my boys... Ray and Tay... hopefully they don't disown me.

Brooklyn Day 1

Day 1 of Brooklyn, New York!

Today started where yesterday ended... on a red eye from San Jose to Newark, NJ. I half way slept due to the fact I occupied a middle seat. The man to my left was large and cuddley, so I leaned his way a few times.

I took a few different trains, but with commuter traffic (7-8am) and my baggage, I took a cab staight from manhattan. Now, knowing where the hell I am, not a big deal, but lost in the city with stuff, not so much.

So I got here, met the two precious boxers, who decided to lick me to pieces... I didn't argue since I had plain stench on me anyway. What a refreshing way to start the day!! After about an hour I started feeling sleepy and took a good nap.

Ryan and I headed for his girlfriend's house on the G Train in Brooklyn. She twisted her ankle, so we brought her Arnica gel and an ace bandage... oh and some chamomile and lavender tea for inflammation.

We then took a train to Manhattan where we shopped for running shoes and searched for JivaMukti, the yoga studio. We then ate a vegan lunch at a restaurant whose name I'm sure to eventually remember, and made Ryan's meal plan for his transition.

We then went to see 300 on IMAX which was incredible and LOUD! The men in that movie were delicious looking. Holy abdominals. I think that made the movie for me. Otherwise it was pretty bloody and violent, but the bodies... and they wore little speedo-like things so you could really see their legs. I'll get over it.

We then went to Whole Foods to get dinner, at this point we were famished so bought EVERYTHING in the store... carrying back on the L Train was tricky, but luckily, not far to walk.

I love vacation. I love that I'm able to take time off. I know I'm going to be a better employee and person because of this trip. Ray and I leave for Oahu on the 21st, and that will be the perfect Yin for this Yang life in NYC.

New Yorkers are quite interesting. Ryan tells me to not make eye contact... and the one time I did, the guy OBVIOUSLY looked me up and down. Crap. I'm used to at least trying the friendly vibe, but people here are so anonymous, it's amazing. We haven't seen anyone he knows AT ALL (besides his girlfriend) and he's been here 4 years!! If it were SLO, I'd have run into 15 people who I am closely connected to. Lots of freak shows too.

He's teaching me about the culture, about the trains, the city, the trends, the arts, and I'm teaching him about his body. It should be so simple. Such a good trade.

Well I should sleep. It's past midnight here, and even in California, it's past my bedtime.

...it is kind of nice being the only one with a tan here... but not flip flop weather--I'll have to wait until Hawaii.

That Wave

I slept in today, and I wasn't supposed to. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an early morning person anymore... not unless it's for my own benefit. I feel less stressed in general, after being pretty sick from last week's stress attack, and realize again that I can only do so much.

I'm wondering if this past weekend's 2 day cold was allergy related? I haven't had issues in the past, but the pollen in the air is thick. Venessa would be in agony.

I took Tay to the beach today after work. I almost took a surfboard, but took running shoes instead. That's the last time I won't bring both! The surf was perfect for me... little, clean, warm. The perfect wave. I imagine evening surf is going to be pretty good for a while... and I can't think of a better way to end my day.

Tay and I played soccer for about 3 miles. We'd switch off offense and defense, until we needed to gain some serious yardage. It was such good training to just run with the ball at my feet. It brings me back about 10 years :O)

I didn't bring my camera tonight, but it was one of those nights; warm breeze, pink sky, picture perfect. The clouds even have a way of perfectly framing the view, it's like they were only intended to be there... no where else.

After our run, I remembered what my live blood analysis doctor had said about releasing through cold water on the feet. I HAD to go in the ocean! After a brief dip, I could feel my body sigh. It only wanted to cool itself, and all that the day brought was heat.

I'm remembering how good this ocean feels, and plan to be in it as much as possible.... indefinately.

STRESS case

Today is Friday, thank the lord. Carrie covered for me this morning, so I didn't have to wake up at 5am. I actually had time for breakfast, a quick jog with Tay, tea, shower and time to write! What a difference in the day it makes.

Yesterday I got a little stressed out. We had a speaker ALL DAY paid for by the club (although since I'm not on salary, I missed my day's pay) who talked about machines, research and concepts we already are quite familiar with. It was interesting--YES, to get 50 athletic minded people in the same room at the same time, but he kept saying things like, "well since I'm not very smart..." or "not having that 180 point IQ..." It really just made me think to myself, well, why the f**k am I wasting my day listening to YOUR expertise?

Anyway, during the meeting I was making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. Prioritizing, categorizing... they would have been so simple to just knock out! But NO, I had to listen to Mr. Insecure about his knowledge all day. So 4pm rolls around and I'm completely overwhelmed, not just because I've got my hands in so many project pots, but because in less than a month I ship out for an unpaid 5 weeks. There is a lot of prep work to be done to train someone in on my position, making sure all my clients keep their appointments with an alternate trainer... prep work like crazy.

So I decided to walk away and go to yoga. That could calm me down, right? Well little did I know, there's a place you can get yourself that's TOO stressed for yoga. I couldn't calm my breath, I couldn't relax into my poses. I couldn't think, and my dislocated wrist was killing me. Oh yeah, I slowly, over about a month's time dislocated my wrist... so that puts me out of my training certification this weekend, and out $300 bucks.

Anyway, then a friend calls and wants to have a business meeting in the morning. Then Betsy calls and tells me that she's disappointed that I didn't do her linens and water the plants, but she never specified that she wanted me to do any of it! I was literally there 3 nights while she was gone, but I guess I wasn't as 'adult' as she wanted me to be. It just snowballed.

Finally Ray and I rode our cruisers downtown and ran a few errands and caught part of SLO's Film Festival on Surfing. I paid $45 for two of us, which was fine, for a good cause. The first movie they showed I'd seen 10 times, and since I thought I was waking up early for my client, I skipped out before the 2nd. That's one expensive movie!

I also committed to house sit free of charge for a coworker, and went over to check out the situation. She's got fish, 3 dogs, one of which has pancreas issues, another one with SEVERE aggression issues, two cats, one with diabetes, the other secludes itself... and I guess that's all. They all get different diets/medications. Whew. Good thing I've got so much free time.

So I guess the point of the story is to not bite off more than you can chew. I guess it's time for me to realize that my plate is full and not to take on extra projects. It's just managing what I've already committed to that may drive me insane.

Sorry if you read all my bitching. I guess sometimes I just need it.

Best Chair Ever

I'm ironically sitting in the same spot as I was last week, the relax-the-back chair. I took 1/2 of Monday off, giving me two full days to unwind and relax.

I needed it. The last 2 weeks have been oh so stressful. It seems like I've reached the calm after the storm... finally.

I'm thinking about how I can start to work for myself more... how I can keep my own interest in mind as I'm working for others. I think it's about keeping records and notes of the things I'm doing, and also taking the time to ensure my basic needs are being met.

It's been hard not having a home. I've been staying with Betsy, which is absolutely great, about half the time, and with Ray the other half. Even though both places are cozy (especially with Ray's new bed and cookware) they aren't MY home. They don't have my things and my energy, only a small space. The detachment lesson is huge though, for that I am thankful.

I did get to the point last week of not having a place to go... Betsy had houseguests in her guest room, where I've been staying, and Ray and I were NOT getting along. It was the worst feeling in the world. So bad, that I looked on Craigs list the next day for rooms to rent for a few weeks. I drove around aimlessly, prepared to show up on a friend's doorstep, or at worst, sleep in my car. Thankfully Ray and I worked it out. Next time I'll just get a hotel room.

I'm getting excited about New York, and for that matter all that lies ahead. I'm excited about where I am and how I've established myself... and I hope that I can keep my head glued on tight enough to ride this wave for a length of time.

Figuring out how to vacation and get paid is my question. Maybe to find clients who travel and vacation... a high roller who needs a trainer to come along for the ride and keep their body in check?

I guess after watching The Secret, I just need to figure out what I want and ask for it... create the vision.

Perhaps it's time to explore this option...

Yummy Yoga

I headed home, to the nest. It was Saturday afternoon, rainy, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to create that ever-so-healthy environment I used to have in my own space. I will not sit around and waste my life away. I will not do nothing when there is work to be done. I will not just ly down and die and think that I didn't work as hard as I could have towards those things for which I am passionate.

So I made it here, after 3 hours of pouring down rain. I didn't care about the gas money, nor Taylor on my new leather, nor the weather outside. I needed to get away, and fast. It's not that anything is particularly wrong right now, but rather, nothing is particularly right. You know, the kind of right that makes you lose sleep because you just can't separate yourself from that passion--whether it be a person, a book, a puzzle, a question... I just can't find it.

I briefly watched Oprah talk about "The Secret" when I arrived. From what I gather, the secret is about like attracting like, or create what you wish in your life and like will attract to you. I agreed with Oprah... she said that's how she's always lived her life, and didn't know it was a secret! I think that I too live a pro-active kind of life and I know that if I don't create what I want, it rarely appears.

So, here I sit, in the 'relax the back' chair. My mom, Larry and I went to a killer dynamic yoga class this morning. The teacher took a liking to me. He was from India, and boy did he smile! I started to think about what it was exactly in each powerful teacher I'd come across that made me anxious for more.

Jennifer was my first REAL teacher, and she exposed me to the world of Ashtanga. Her presence was strong, adjustments delightful, and knowledge broad. Then there was Amy, who taught Nia. She allowed a blank canvas for personal expression, a non-judgemental environment, and play! Oh how I love love to play in my own skin!

I practiced with Alyson for a few weeks before she left for India, and I think she was one of my favorites by far. She provided laughter to yoga... it was light easy laughter. The poses were challenging, the class still moved along, but that smile felt so good on my face. She didn't intimidate; she came from such a strong loving place, you couldn't help but to just think of her as a great person. She wouldn't get into poses just to show you that she was capable, and related to things sometimes being hard!

Then I caught a few weeks of Peter before he moved to Santa Monica. I felt like I'd entered a secret society. I had dabbled in and out of classes since my teens, but had always been seeking more. Peter was what was more. His students were serious, capable, dedicated, and friendly. He taught in a small room in a church, hidden from the world. His style is dynamic, he articulates very well exactly how to move, and challenges your strength... physical, mental, emotional. With a handful of these classes, I felt like I'd entered a whole new realm of yoga. He taught a class up above Cayucos in the mountains which I can only describe as epic. He built an outdoor stage under this enormous oak. Of course I got lost and was late, and ended up practicing at his feet, at the very front of the stage. The wind whistled past us, the practice was brilliant, the woods almost came alive to assist us in our asanas. I remember getting into headstand, knowing that falling forward or backwards was not an option; I knew I had to nail it. I did... and as soon as I turned upside down, I saw the oak, in clear view, completely balanced and centered, and the wind... cool and calm flowing past us all upside down. Oh so powerful.

I think that's what it is about brilliant instructors, they allow a blank enough canvas, just enough guidance, but assist in creating some of the most powerful, clean and clear energy to bathe in.

Tawny's classes are amazing as well. She uses the most precise articulation to really evoke internal energy. Her music selections are brilliant, and have brought tears to my eyes. She's a feeler, and in her practice, I can see her feel what she teaches... without judgement, without forcing it, by just being open and present. What a class; what an amazing goddess of yoga :O)

And there are more... the more I write the more I think about the influence brilliant teacher have had in my life. Hana's creativity, the other Jenna's discipline. The list goes on and on. Jillian Pransky at Omega, Gabrielle Roth and her 5 rhythms of movement. I know in the first exposure if I meet a teacher who I want to learn more from. But what is it? What is it that captivates the attention of like minds, so much that you make that class a priority. If you're tired, sleep deprived, hung over, aching, wound up too tight, what PULLS YOU to that class?

It must be a secret.

...and more pictures

Lavender Sessions

Since I can't think of anything nice to say, I'll show pictures:

Impossible to Please

It's 9:15PM, and while I'm usually asleep by now, I'm awake with a wandering mind. There are too many 'what ifs' in life. Too many forks in the road. I'm starting to wonder if I've been strong enough to choose the path best for me.

I've cut back on the amount of time spent working this week. It's putting me into the 40-50 hour range, which I think is not too shabby. Lord knows I'd love to be 'semi-retired' but I don't think I'd have the same level of fulfillment I have now. At least when I do retire, I can look back and know that I've made a difference. I used to have so much free time to write, dance, play, run, and it seems now to be obsolete.

I've started to wonder if I'm an easy person to be around... I remember a certain ex saying that it was rough due to my high expectations. I feel like I'm pretty easy going, somewhat entertaining, and I can always perform circus tricks if anyone gets bored... but really, I think I'm damn hard to please. I wonder if the problem is that I hold everyone else in my immediate circle to the level I hold myself?

I started these thoughts when a few friends questioned inviting me to a party because they didn't quite know what to feed me... and this isn't the first time my food habits were inhibiting for others. For the year that I tried the effect of meat on my body, I was accepted by the majority of people (something I wasn't used to) regarding my food choices. BUT, I felt like shit. So why would I sacrifice my own well-being to make someone else feel more comfortable about their own choice?

Let's just face it... I'm impossible to please. So am I doomed for a life alone? Will I even know it if I'm in a solid relationship? Or do I just have to meet a guy who already meets and exceeds my expectations?

I don't know why these emotions come over me... is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm a perfectionist? Should I just get over it?

I guess time will tell. At this point I'm ready to run. Where? Somewhere that can house a Taylor.

San Simeon

Today was Super Bowl Sunday. It's been quite some time since I've written. Let's see if I can sum things up since the last time I've written...

I've been living with Ray and Betsy about half and half lately. I joke that they have 'joint custody' of me and Tay. It's actually a really good situation. Ray works Sunday to Tuesday, and I usually stay with him Wednesday to Saturday. The commute from his house is much easier than from Pismo, but man do I love seeing that ocean on the way home :o)

I finally bought my dream car, and it feels so good. I put enough money down that I can afford the monthly payments fairly easily. I do have expensive taste, and will have to make enough to sustain that.

I just recalculated my budget tonight... trying to see how much time I can realistically go to New York for. The plane tickets aren't too bad, but missing out on work will really do me in.

Last weekend my mom, sister and I met in Cambria for the first of (hopefully many) Lavender Sessions. It was a relaxing 3 day weekend that really helped me ground myself. I tell ya, work was hard to go back to after that! I could be happy and semi-retired :O)

The elephant seals were unreal! So much that I took Bets and Ray up there this past weekend. Well, and to get that yummy spicy red curry from Robins. Holy bajesus is that stuff killer!



During the Lavender Sessions, we also went to Hearst Castle. I've lived here seven years and never been. It was spectacular.

I'm not certain that all I've written makes sense, but my computer is about to run out of power, and I should be heading to bed, so I will fix it later.

Thanks for reading.