I sold a photo! It's an 'abstract glass' 9 by 12 canvas.
I've had some work posted on The Untapped Resource, a photography site for a few months. But with very little traffic to the site, I haven't sold any work--until today!
Someone decided to buy one! Although that only amounts to a few dollars, it means a lot.
I've been thinking about a turn in the road, perhaps a new career route... photography is one option, but I'd need to put some focus and energy into it. Wedding photography would be fun, or portraits. What a creative job!
I decided to run the full 26.2 marathon again... and started a few training runs this weekend. It really just gave me the focus and consistency I needed last year. It's hard to let anything get you down when you run so much.
I'm booked with fire department testing all week this week, and hopefully I'll have everyone done by next Friday.
The musician and I are heading up to the bay area on Friday to see Susan's Beau Cung fight one of the Shamrock brothers. It should be a good one! Coming from someone who has been so timid around fighting her whole life, I'm opening up to the sport of it. I still cover my eyes for the blood of course.
That shot I took, abstract glass is really about seeing the world in a different perspective, and that's exactly what I need to do right now... filter some of this worry and anxiety to see a brand new light.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Try not to scream
It's been since Saturday that I've had intense nerve pain in my shoulder and neck. The smallest movements are excruciating, and I feel like I've tried it all--massage, chiropractic, rest... but I'm starting to just get frustrated.
The Chiropractor did say that the levator scapulae, one of the main culprits is also known as the stress muscle. But ironically, when I'm injured, I can't teach or work comfortably, adding to my already stressed financial situation, not to mention the cost of the 3 chiropractic visits this week.
The only thing that feels good is ice, maybe I need to jump in the ocean?
I'm trying to do two things: to forgive and to be grateful... but being grateful for pain in the neck is a hard one to swallow, it must be here for a reason, to teach me something.
Positivity. Light. Love. Health. Well being. Healing.
The Chiropractor did say that the levator scapulae, one of the main culprits is also known as the stress muscle. But ironically, when I'm injured, I can't teach or work comfortably, adding to my already stressed financial situation, not to mention the cost of the 3 chiropractic visits this week.
The only thing that feels good is ice, maybe I need to jump in the ocean?
I'm trying to do two things: to forgive and to be grateful... but being grateful for pain in the neck is a hard one to swallow, it must be here for a reason, to teach me something.
Positivity. Light. Love. Health. Well being. Healing.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Running for ME
I had an epiphany the other night as I was running Taylor. It had been a long day, and an even longer week, and I'd had a few shorter runs (4-6 miles) but nothing really requiring any endurance. So I got ready, put my sneakers on, and was prepared to say goodbye to my faithful golden retriever, who can still run 6 miles, but starts to slow down and spend more time smelling the flowers... really the pee on the flowers, but the first description makes for a better visual.
As I was walking out the door, he gave me that puppy dog look, so I played fetch for about 10 minutes in hopes of tiring him out before I snuck out... no luck. He kept giving me that look, not taking his eyes off me, so I let him come along. I neglected to bring a leash... he really doesn't need one with the exception of that extra flower smelling time he takes, when I just want to get home.
After about 3 miles, he began to lag, and I just got frustrated. I thought to myself, "this is why you were going to go alone today!" but I couldn't stay mad as his intentions are so pure and so loving and unconditional.
Then I started to realize that this is my relationship with work too. I take on other's needs before my own, feeling obligation to the commitments I've made to their health, without considering my financial health. But like a moth to a flame, I keep the commitments I know aren't sustainable and don't serve me anymore...
I applied for another batch of jobs today... a variety of different positions ranging from Executive Assistant positions to Spa Manager work. Who knows what will come through, or if I can make my positions now sustainable? I love SLO town, but the jobs are so few and far between... it's taking a significant amount of effort.
Yesterday, even with the pinched nerve in my shoulder, I ran/hiked 9 miles. It was either that or lay in bed and cry because the pain was so intense. It's amazing what some endorphins and adrenaline will do!
I went to visit a neuro-chiropractor this morning, more on that to come!
As I was walking out the door, he gave me that puppy dog look, so I played fetch for about 10 minutes in hopes of tiring him out before I snuck out... no luck. He kept giving me that look, not taking his eyes off me, so I let him come along. I neglected to bring a leash... he really doesn't need one with the exception of that extra flower smelling time he takes, when I just want to get home.
After about 3 miles, he began to lag, and I just got frustrated. I thought to myself, "this is why you were going to go alone today!" but I couldn't stay mad as his intentions are so pure and so loving and unconditional.
Then I started to realize that this is my relationship with work too. I take on other's needs before my own, feeling obligation to the commitments I've made to their health, without considering my financial health. But like a moth to a flame, I keep the commitments I know aren't sustainable and don't serve me anymore...
I applied for another batch of jobs today... a variety of different positions ranging from Executive Assistant positions to Spa Manager work. Who knows what will come through, or if I can make my positions now sustainable? I love SLO town, but the jobs are so few and far between... it's taking a significant amount of effort.
Yesterday, even with the pinched nerve in my shoulder, I ran/hiked 9 miles. It was either that or lay in bed and cry because the pain was so intense. It's amazing what some endorphins and adrenaline will do!
I went to visit a neuro-chiropractor this morning, more on that to come!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Such is Life
I'm listening to the sweet voice of Ray LaMontagne, he's become a fixture in my nightly unwind. He sings of idealistic romanticism, words so refreshingly sweet. I'm reminded of the boat trips in Cozumel listening to my ipod while the family dove, imagining my sweet musician at home.
My transition back to work has been less than smooth. I had an ecstatic weekend of bliss after the week of elation... but Monday morning hit hard. I ended up in tears at my staff meeting, unexpectedly.
I don't want this to be a blog about my imbalances and struggles. When I started writing a few years ago, my intention was to make a blog with wellness information, with a few personalized stories to emphasize my points... but the more years I spend in the wellness industry, I realize there is a HUGE disconnect, and I find myself writing the crap out.
We are the individuals responsible for the well being of many, many people, yet in this field, the pay is so little that 90% of us struggle just to make ends meet, if even accomplishing that feat. I've started to look at jobs outside my field... I guess I've been too optimistic in thinking someday my position would be full time, when in reality, I lack the support of that notion from my department.
I'm so deep in the work I'm doing, I struggle with the outstanding commitments I have, but in reality, I dig myself at least $500 deeper each month I stay where I am. I've been slowly sinking deeper and deeper, and using the money I had saved from my Audi. This is the first month it's all gone, all of it, and the panic is on.
I made an intention board this weekend, while still in the blissful state, envisioning all that I'd like to come and manifesting the future. The words "Industry Compensation" sit above a picture of a piggy bank filling with money. It's coming, even if I have to sacrifice an ideal position for one I can stand, and stability I can stand upon.
Se la vi.
Here is the only pic of me from Esalen with my friend Zander, striking a pose:
My transition back to work has been less than smooth. I had an ecstatic weekend of bliss after the week of elation... but Monday morning hit hard. I ended up in tears at my staff meeting, unexpectedly.
I don't want this to be a blog about my imbalances and struggles. When I started writing a few years ago, my intention was to make a blog with wellness information, with a few personalized stories to emphasize my points... but the more years I spend in the wellness industry, I realize there is a HUGE disconnect, and I find myself writing the crap out.
We are the individuals responsible for the well being of many, many people, yet in this field, the pay is so little that 90% of us struggle just to make ends meet, if even accomplishing that feat. I've started to look at jobs outside my field... I guess I've been too optimistic in thinking someday my position would be full time, when in reality, I lack the support of that notion from my department.
I'm so deep in the work I'm doing, I struggle with the outstanding commitments I have, but in reality, I dig myself at least $500 deeper each month I stay where I am. I've been slowly sinking deeper and deeper, and using the money I had saved from my Audi. This is the first month it's all gone, all of it, and the panic is on.
I made an intention board this weekend, while still in the blissful state, envisioning all that I'd like to come and manifesting the future. The words "Industry Compensation" sit above a picture of a piggy bank filling with money. It's coming, even if I have to sacrifice an ideal position for one I can stand, and stability I can stand upon.
Se la vi.
Here is the only pic of me from Esalen with my friend Zander, striking a pose:
Saturday, March 08, 2008
aahhhhh Esalen
Today is my first day home from Esalen. I attended Peter Sterios' week long yoga training at Esalen in Big Sur. I'd always heard stories about it, and have even attended amazing workshops at other retreat centers, but this was epic.
Our group was of about 30, from all over the world... Turkey, Portland, etc. The first evening we all sat in a circle and talked about how we'd arrived; what inspired us to come.
Each day we had dynamic yoga class from 7-9, and then all day free to roam, soak in the sulfur tubs, hike, play frisbee, soccer, read, nap, write, bond, etc. Our next class was 4-6 where we did about an hour of restorative and then meditated anywhere from 30-50 minutes... silently cross legged. A man named Moose played the hang (an amazing spaceship shaped instrument) for each class of ours, which was amazing. He stared off into the ocean and the beautiful drumming filled the room, in sync with the energy of the class.
I got a lot out of it. I've practiced his style before, Gravity and Grace he calls it, and it's juicy. His architecture background comes through in his teachings with the precision and elegance of his words, but he doesn't mess around. Peter's directions feel like orders, and you don't want to be the one doing them wrong. I understand why he approaches classes in this way, and he does get a more dedicated practitioner, because others don't continue to show up.
The type of student Peter attracts needs description, but no description could really do us all justice. They're open, many which are teachers themselves, inspired, hopeful, dedicated, liberated, body expressionists. There were many afternoons of lying around massaging each other... a lot of love to be shared. Although the sulfur tubs were clothing optional--and I didn't see anyone with clothing on... there wasn't a vibe of sexuality AT ALL. It was more of an open hippy fest (an outsider would call it) where we chanted and sang, watched whales and dolphins play.
Everything is located right on the cliffs in Big Sur, that jagged coastline that's oh so picture perfect, has tubs hanging over the edge, the dance dome where we did our yoga, danced and meditated was 2 feet from the cliff.
My partners in crime:
The food too was exquisite! All local fresh organic produce, an all day/all night bread bar with all the accoutrements. Most of the staff either pays to live there or gets paid very little, so they all have a strong desire to be present... the kitchen was always buzzing with music and dancing.
So now I'm home. But the view from that dome will remain with me...
Our group was of about 30, from all over the world... Turkey, Portland, etc. The first evening we all sat in a circle and talked about how we'd arrived; what inspired us to come.
Each day we had dynamic yoga class from 7-9, and then all day free to roam, soak in the sulfur tubs, hike, play frisbee, soccer, read, nap, write, bond, etc. Our next class was 4-6 where we did about an hour of restorative and then meditated anywhere from 30-50 minutes... silently cross legged. A man named Moose played the hang (an amazing spaceship shaped instrument) for each class of ours, which was amazing. He stared off into the ocean and the beautiful drumming filled the room, in sync with the energy of the class.
I got a lot out of it. I've practiced his style before, Gravity and Grace he calls it, and it's juicy. His architecture background comes through in his teachings with the precision and elegance of his words, but he doesn't mess around. Peter's directions feel like orders, and you don't want to be the one doing them wrong. I understand why he approaches classes in this way, and he does get a more dedicated practitioner, because others don't continue to show up.
The type of student Peter attracts needs description, but no description could really do us all justice. They're open, many which are teachers themselves, inspired, hopeful, dedicated, liberated, body expressionists. There were many afternoons of lying around massaging each other... a lot of love to be shared. Although the sulfur tubs were clothing optional--and I didn't see anyone with clothing on... there wasn't a vibe of sexuality AT ALL. It was more of an open hippy fest (an outsider would call it) where we chanted and sang, watched whales and dolphins play.
Everything is located right on the cliffs in Big Sur, that jagged coastline that's oh so picture perfect, has tubs hanging over the edge, the dance dome where we did our yoga, danced and meditated was 2 feet from the cliff.
My partners in crime:
The food too was exquisite! All local fresh organic produce, an all day/all night bread bar with all the accoutrements. Most of the staff either pays to live there or gets paid very little, so they all have a strong desire to be present... the kitchen was always buzzing with music and dancing.
So now I'm home. But the view from that dome will remain with me...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Bikram Shmikram
I went to Bikram this morning. I know, I know...
I was thinking last night that I just needed to sweat. During my regular yoga practice, I'm lucky if one drop of sweat cultivates. So I decided to try my 2nd Bikram class ever, I figure at 6 AM I wouldn't have time to think, I'd just do it... and I did.
Wanting to be anonymous, feeling like I was sort of walking into the lions den, I thought at 6 AM I'd blend in... to my surprise, one of my Vinyasa students was next to me after the lights switched on.
The experience was enjoyable for the most part, the teacher talked non-stop, I mean continuously. About 75% through the class, she seemed to aggravate herself or perceived the class was aggravated, and her energy shifted. Maybe I pay too close of attention. It was obvious I didn't know right from wrong, and somehow she knew my name, although I sure as hell didn't tell her!
They encourage locked knees, something I DO NOT encourage, and she'd yell at me if my knee wasn't locked out... "lock lock lock the knee!" "Pull the chin to knee, chin to knee, pull, pull pull!" I liked it, don't get me wrong, but that scene from the Wedding Planner kept coming into my head, where Adam Sandler is bitter and pissed off and turns to a stranger and says "I hate you." I kept saying that in my head...
"Lock, lock the knee!"
"I hate you."
And that was enough to make me smile inside and continue on.
Another thing was all the flipping from back to stomach, stomach to back, back to stomach, what the f*ck? And then Savasana at the end of class, the instructor leaves the room and says enjoy, and 99% of the class gets up!
I'll likely go back.
I like the sweat factor, but these Bikram instructors are nuts! I have some bones to pick with this Bikram guy.
I was thinking last night that I just needed to sweat. During my regular yoga practice, I'm lucky if one drop of sweat cultivates. So I decided to try my 2nd Bikram class ever, I figure at 6 AM I wouldn't have time to think, I'd just do it... and I did.
Wanting to be anonymous, feeling like I was sort of walking into the lions den, I thought at 6 AM I'd blend in... to my surprise, one of my Vinyasa students was next to me after the lights switched on.
The experience was enjoyable for the most part, the teacher talked non-stop, I mean continuously. About 75% through the class, she seemed to aggravate herself or perceived the class was aggravated, and her energy shifted. Maybe I pay too close of attention. It was obvious I didn't know right from wrong, and somehow she knew my name, although I sure as hell didn't tell her!
They encourage locked knees, something I DO NOT encourage, and she'd yell at me if my knee wasn't locked out... "lock lock lock the knee!" "Pull the chin to knee, chin to knee, pull, pull pull!" I liked it, don't get me wrong, but that scene from the Wedding Planner kept coming into my head, where Adam Sandler is bitter and pissed off and turns to a stranger and says "I hate you." I kept saying that in my head...
"Lock, lock the knee!"
"I hate you."
And that was enough to make me smile inside and continue on.
Another thing was all the flipping from back to stomach, stomach to back, back to stomach, what the f*ck? And then Savasana at the end of class, the instructor leaves the room and says enjoy, and 99% of the class gets up!
I'll likely go back.
I like the sweat factor, but these Bikram instructors are nuts! I have some bones to pick with this Bikram guy.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Car, Run, Breathe
So it came through... the red volvo that is. I bought it ironically on Valentine's Day. I researched a lot, and really feel like I got a great deal on a great (affordable) car. I've already been enjoying being mobile around town. Granted in the last 3 days I've barely driven 10 miles, but still, it's the convenience of having it if I NEED it, in the dark, in the cold. I still prefer to walk and bike whenever I can.
I've spent the last 5 days or so primarily helping the musician move... paint, prep, pack, sort, trash, transplant, etc. Finally today we arrived at the finish line, almost. There are minor things to orchestrate, but nothing drastic. I've been fine helping, I enjoy it really, but today I hit my max. I needed to run, fast and far. The last few runs I've taken haven't quenched my thirst. I've been gone so much that I feel like taking Taylor is a must, but he slows after a few miles, and likes to stop and smell the flowers, really it's the pee on the flowers, but I imagine the first scenario.
So I ditched Tay and took off, running super fast. I was heading for my 9 mile loop, even though it's been over a week since I've put any miles in. I sprinted for about 1 mile and then slowed to a jog, I decided to cut it at about 6 miles and opted to attend the Yin and Flow class at Smiling Dog... a wise decision.
Lisa, the instructor and studio owner, said something that resonated with me, well many things, but this one in particular...
all exercise stresses the body.
I'm thinking that a daily yoga practice is really the cure to all ailments and imbalances. Pranayama is the golden ticket.
I've spent the last 5 days or so primarily helping the musician move... paint, prep, pack, sort, trash, transplant, etc. Finally today we arrived at the finish line, almost. There are minor things to orchestrate, but nothing drastic. I've been fine helping, I enjoy it really, but today I hit my max. I needed to run, fast and far. The last few runs I've taken haven't quenched my thirst. I've been gone so much that I feel like taking Taylor is a must, but he slows after a few miles, and likes to stop and smell the flowers, really it's the pee on the flowers, but I imagine the first scenario.
So I ditched Tay and took off, running super fast. I was heading for my 9 mile loop, even though it's been over a week since I've put any miles in. I sprinted for about 1 mile and then slowed to a jog, I decided to cut it at about 6 miles and opted to attend the Yin and Flow class at Smiling Dog... a wise decision.
Lisa, the instructor and studio owner, said something that resonated with me, well many things, but this one in particular...
all exercise stresses the body.
I'm thinking that a daily yoga practice is really the cure to all ailments and imbalances. Pranayama is the golden ticket.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
1103 part 2
Now I'm a little bit superstitious... OK maybe a lot. I got a call today from a number ending in 1103, weird seeing as I'd just written 2 days ago about that very number and it's relation to my life. In that same last blog, I'd commented on the red volvo.
Turns out the call was from the owner of that red volvo, telling me that he'd found another car for himself to purchase and was I still interested? I will make my way over there one more time, with low expectations.
Last night turned out to be quite a drunken disaster. I rarely rarely drink, with the exception of one glass of wine, or one beer maybe once a week. Well last night I was on a mission it seemed. I felt myself on shaky ground, unable to calm myself to stability.
So I did a small bit of retail therapy... new jeans will make any girl smile, and then went for dinner and drinks with Betsy. We laid on the beach in the sun today prior to the downtown trip, it was so beautiful, and continues to be so beautiful! After 2.5 very full glasses of wine, she dropped me off, and I proceeded to roam downtown. The rest is a history, some drinks, some friends, more drinks... one sick girl on unstable ground. That one gets filed in the vault.
Now is my day to pick up the pieces and put my head on straight. Teaching yoga class with a hang over is not recommended... and the owner of Smiling Dog attended class today. Luckily enough, she's the kindest of souls and is supportive and loving, even in my toxicity. I taught a good class I feel, but it took more effort than normal to get my body to move and prompt the words out of my head.
1103. Maybe I just shouldn't look into things so much... or maybe since I've detached from the idea of it, it's reappeared?
Turns out the call was from the owner of that red volvo, telling me that he'd found another car for himself to purchase and was I still interested? I will make my way over there one more time, with low expectations.
Last night turned out to be quite a drunken disaster. I rarely rarely drink, with the exception of one glass of wine, or one beer maybe once a week. Well last night I was on a mission it seemed. I felt myself on shaky ground, unable to calm myself to stability.
So I did a small bit of retail therapy... new jeans will make any girl smile, and then went for dinner and drinks with Betsy. We laid on the beach in the sun today prior to the downtown trip, it was so beautiful, and continues to be so beautiful! After 2.5 very full glasses of wine, she dropped me off, and I proceeded to roam downtown. The rest is a history, some drinks, some friends, more drinks... one sick girl on unstable ground. That one gets filed in the vault.
Now is my day to pick up the pieces and put my head on straight. Teaching yoga class with a hang over is not recommended... and the owner of Smiling Dog attended class today. Luckily enough, she's the kindest of souls and is supportive and loving, even in my toxicity. I taught a good class I feel, but it took more effort than normal to get my body to move and prompt the words out of my head.
1103. Maybe I just shouldn't look into things so much... or maybe since I've detached from the idea of it, it's reappeared?
Friday, February 08, 2008
1103
There's a house at the end of my street I look at at least once a day. The street address is 1103... which is my birthday, November 3rd. Usually when you see a street number, you simply read it or not, depending on your motives. Street numbers don't really stand out, but this house stands out to me.
1103 is on the front of the house twice, within a few feet of the other, but on separate sides of the same wall. They say the exact same thing, not unit A or #2, but simply 1103, both of them.
There are always two ways to look at things, and that thought is provoked each time I pass this small house. Is it a Comic Sans day or rather a Times New Roman day?
The lessons I'm currently working on are
1. Not harvesting too much attachment... to people, to possessions, to food...
2. Not assuming what others are thinking, or anticipating the next move. I am the only one responsible for my happiness.
I've been handing out these wisdom and thought cards at the end of class, and people read them out loud if they'd like to. It's mind therapy, after the body therapy. I learn so much from yoga, and the ever changing teachers and practices. My classes have been super sized with the opening of the new studio. The energy is just so undeniably pure and rich, people have been flocking. My class last night housed 15, and before the new opening, I had 10 max. 10-15 is now consistent :O)
The red volvo fell through. A friend of mine doesn't tell people much not to jinx it from happening, which I didn't entirely understand. When you're excited, shouldn't you share it? When I told people of the possibility of this pretty red car, I had a feeling in my gut that this would be my lesson. True to the premonition, the guy decided not to sell. He did show me a 1990 Jetta trashed by a teenager as a consolation. Too kind. He hoped I wasn't offended.
It was my own fault, because I'd already imagined the I heart Yoga sticker on my rear window.
And such is life... so it goes. Maybe that's my sign to keep riding my bike... and take the bus when it rains. Maybe, maybe not.
1103 is on the front of the house twice, within a few feet of the other, but on separate sides of the same wall. They say the exact same thing, not unit A or #2, but simply 1103, both of them.
There are always two ways to look at things, and that thought is provoked each time I pass this small house. Is it a Comic Sans day or rather a Times New Roman day?
The lessons I'm currently working on are
1. Not harvesting too much attachment... to people, to possessions, to food...
2. Not assuming what others are thinking, or anticipating the next move. I am the only one responsible for my happiness.
I've been handing out these wisdom and thought cards at the end of class, and people read them out loud if they'd like to. It's mind therapy, after the body therapy. I learn so much from yoga, and the ever changing teachers and practices. My classes have been super sized with the opening of the new studio. The energy is just so undeniably pure and rich, people have been flocking. My class last night housed 15, and before the new opening, I had 10 max. 10-15 is now consistent :O)
The red volvo fell through. A friend of mine doesn't tell people much not to jinx it from happening, which I didn't entirely understand. When you're excited, shouldn't you share it? When I told people of the possibility of this pretty red car, I had a feeling in my gut that this would be my lesson. True to the premonition, the guy decided not to sell. He did show me a 1990 Jetta trashed by a teenager as a consolation. Too kind. He hoped I wasn't offended.
It was my own fault, because I'd already imagined the I heart Yoga sticker on my rear window.
And such is life... so it goes. Maybe that's my sign to keep riding my bike... and take the bus when it rains. Maybe, maybe not.
Monday, January 28, 2008
On the Path
I signed up for health insurance today, if they accept my application that is. It's been a few months I've survived without it this go round, and anticipating the snowboarding trip to come next week, I thought maybe insurance would be nice to have just in case. I'm not convinced that I'll use it too often, but at least I'll have the option.
The rain is getting to me. After my soaking Tuesday last week, I've hesitated to spend much time outside in this weather. There have been a few breaks in which I've enjoyed a hike or walk, but I'm off the running wagon for a few days. Last night I got cozy in bed on the heating blanket, pretending to be a reptile... which has really become my routine as of late. I read my JivaMukti yoga book, in my effort for self teacher training due to the lack of funding in my present life.
The book is fabulous, but the wind was too crazy! The lattice on the front porch was swinging 6 feet into the air and crashing into the window. The metal archway on the side house was clanging every few seconds. I tried to meditate through it, I tried... but I finally called for backup and was swept up by a prince back to his toasty cave. I felt like such a baby! I remembered all those days of hiding from the storms when I was little, and being so mad that my family wanted to be out in it... I guess some things never change.
I've been searching the internet for cars, and there are some affordable ones that aren't too shabby! Whenever I finally get another vehicle, this experience has changed my life forever. No longer will I rely on only a car for transportation when I have 2 good legs and 3 beautiful bikes. Ultimately I think I will buy another car, for the freedom really. Being able to drive to the beach alone is a gift, or to take Taylor somewhere, anywhere. I have so many people in my life willing to help support me, loan their cars, etc., but I am one independent and stubborn girl, who likes to be alone much of the time!
At least now I'm insured.
The rain is getting to me. After my soaking Tuesday last week, I've hesitated to spend much time outside in this weather. There have been a few breaks in which I've enjoyed a hike or walk, but I'm off the running wagon for a few days. Last night I got cozy in bed on the heating blanket, pretending to be a reptile... which has really become my routine as of late. I read my JivaMukti yoga book, in my effort for self teacher training due to the lack of funding in my present life.
The book is fabulous, but the wind was too crazy! The lattice on the front porch was swinging 6 feet into the air and crashing into the window. The metal archway on the side house was clanging every few seconds. I tried to meditate through it, I tried... but I finally called for backup and was swept up by a prince back to his toasty cave. I felt like such a baby! I remembered all those days of hiding from the storms when I was little, and being so mad that my family wanted to be out in it... I guess some things never change.
I've been searching the internet for cars, and there are some affordable ones that aren't too shabby! Whenever I finally get another vehicle, this experience has changed my life forever. No longer will I rely on only a car for transportation when I have 2 good legs and 3 beautiful bikes. Ultimately I think I will buy another car, for the freedom really. Being able to drive to the beach alone is a gift, or to take Taylor somewhere, anywhere. I have so many people in my life willing to help support me, loan their cars, etc., but I am one independent and stubborn girl, who likes to be alone much of the time!
At least now I'm insured.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Stubborn Girl, Puddles for Shoes
So today it poured, hard. I woke up for my 7 AM Kennedy clients at about 5:30, knowing I needed to figure out transportation. I looked up the bus schedule last night and knew the bus left City Hall at 6:25 AM, perfect to get me to the club by 7. I remember seeing the bus pass me many days riding out.
So I look outside (in the dark) at 6:15 and think, I'm a trainer for goodness sakes! So I put on my waterproof shell (thanks mom and Larry) and head outside. It didn't seem to be raining that hard when I left, so I packed my backpack full of lunch and a few things and headed out. 2 minutes on the bike, I knew I'd made a dreadful mistake. I was drenched, luckily just on the outside.
So I rode along in the dark, with my headlight, helmet, and flasher on my back. I made it there in record time (talk about motivation) but arrived drenched. Everyone who saw me reacted, in one way or another. I headed to the locker room where I stripped down and rung out my socks... quite literally. Then I tried to blow dry my socks and shoes--not working AT ALL. So on went the soaking wet socks and shoes, only to squish around and prune my feet for the next 5 hours.
After many clients and no break, I finally went downstairs and bought a new pair of socks and blow dried my shoes, the best I could. Then I ate chocolate cake. Yes, I did. My rule today is, if you endure something awful, enjoy the indulgences you don't normally allow. So I had cake, a tuna melt (with cheese!) and sour dough bread with a side of corn chips. All crap I never have, but damn it, I deserved it.
Riding there wasn't as bad as riding home because that early, no one can see you. At 3 PM, everyone stares. Great.
Take the bus next time Jenna, seriously.
So I look outside (in the dark) at 6:15 and think, I'm a trainer for goodness sakes! So I put on my waterproof shell (thanks mom and Larry) and head outside. It didn't seem to be raining that hard when I left, so I packed my backpack full of lunch and a few things and headed out. 2 minutes on the bike, I knew I'd made a dreadful mistake. I was drenched, luckily just on the outside.
So I rode along in the dark, with my headlight, helmet, and flasher on my back. I made it there in record time (talk about motivation) but arrived drenched. Everyone who saw me reacted, in one way or another. I headed to the locker room where I stripped down and rung out my socks... quite literally. Then I tried to blow dry my socks and shoes--not working AT ALL. So on went the soaking wet socks and shoes, only to squish around and prune my feet for the next 5 hours.
After many clients and no break, I finally went downstairs and bought a new pair of socks and blow dried my shoes, the best I could. Then I ate chocolate cake. Yes, I did. My rule today is, if you endure something awful, enjoy the indulgences you don't normally allow. So I had cake, a tuna melt (with cheese!) and sour dough bread with a side of corn chips. All crap I never have, but damn it, I deserved it.
Riding there wasn't as bad as riding home because that early, no one can see you. At 3 PM, everyone stares. Great.
Take the bus next time Jenna, seriously.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Chips and Guac
A few pictures from Mexico...
Tequila: the cat who I shared my fish tacos with, and probably turned into quite the beggar... I couldn't help it, she was too cute!
Near Punta Sur, a look out with not much life to see... a few birds, no crocs, and a crab.
Painted entrance to No Name Bar.
The cruise ships a pooping people...
The Mexico diet :O)
Tequila: the cat who I shared my fish tacos with, and probably turned into quite the beggar... I couldn't help it, she was too cute!
Near Punta Sur, a look out with not much life to see... a few birds, no crocs, and a crab.
Painted entrance to No Name Bar.
The cruise ships a pooping people...
The Mexico diet :O)
Separation
While I was single, my solution to the lonesome feelings was to buy myself flowers... sometimes lilies, sometimes tulips, but orchids became the favorite. Orchids can be a bit tricky, I've had some last years and bloom over and over again, and I've had some die within a matter of months, never predictably.
So I ended my count of self loathing orchids with 5... some healthier than others, some still blooming, some hibernating their blossoms for winter.
There are always those heart wrenching stories about how a mother gives birth to a beautiful baby, only to lose her own precious life... and each time I walk in my kitchen (home to two orchid friends) I think of these stories. I've watched one of my orchids struggle for a few months. I bought her because she had a few flawed leafs and I thought it would deter anyone else from taking her home. She had the most beautiful buds and the flowers that had opened were amazing.
So she's struggled, and I finally got to the point of separating baby from mother in hopes of saving mom's life. So her beautiful blossoms sit next to her in a cylindrical glass as she wilts away. Heart wrenching I know.
Here they are...
Wishing momma and daughter luck in this chilly California winter as I research how best to save her life.
So I ended my count of self loathing orchids with 5... some healthier than others, some still blooming, some hibernating their blossoms for winter.
There are always those heart wrenching stories about how a mother gives birth to a beautiful baby, only to lose her own precious life... and each time I walk in my kitchen (home to two orchid friends) I think of these stories. I've watched one of my orchids struggle for a few months. I bought her because she had a few flawed leafs and I thought it would deter anyone else from taking her home. She had the most beautiful buds and the flowers that had opened were amazing.
So she's struggled, and I finally got to the point of separating baby from mother in hopes of saving mom's life. So her beautiful blossoms sit next to her in a cylindrical glass as she wilts away. Heart wrenching I know.
Here they are...
Wishing momma and daughter luck in this chilly California winter as I research how best to save her life.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Much Betta
Since the last time I've written, things have drastically improved... as you may have imagined. I tend to write more on a frustration level rather than an elated level, although both are beneficial.
I've discontinued all contact with the other studio in town that had entangled the community in so much strain and stress, and immediately my life shifted. I started teaching on Archer Street again, the studio that many of us have come to know as home. As soon as I rolled out my mat for that first class, my spirit lifted more than one could have predicted.
I decided to cut back my hours at Kennedy, and maybe even all together. I do have a few clients that I'd like to keep on track, and keeping ties is a good idea, as long as everyone knows how non-committal I have to be there.
My personal life is great. I'm enamored with someone who's been around a long time, and the timing finally seems to be just right... I have no expectations or requirements, but rather, I'm living each day to the fullest in great company.
Lunch time yoga started at the city with a warm welcome... that's been exciting. Tomorrow is class #2. Teaching beginners is a whole new battle for me, but watching beginners learn is twice as gratifying.
A deep sigh of relief that all is well, and is getting better day by day... there are bright things in my present and in my future... and all of that, I realize, is a choice.
I've discontinued all contact with the other studio in town that had entangled the community in so much strain and stress, and immediately my life shifted. I started teaching on Archer Street again, the studio that many of us have come to know as home. As soon as I rolled out my mat for that first class, my spirit lifted more than one could have predicted.
I decided to cut back my hours at Kennedy, and maybe even all together. I do have a few clients that I'd like to keep on track, and keeping ties is a good idea, as long as everyone knows how non-committal I have to be there.
My personal life is great. I'm enamored with someone who's been around a long time, and the timing finally seems to be just right... I have no expectations or requirements, but rather, I'm living each day to the fullest in great company.
Lunch time yoga started at the city with a warm welcome... that's been exciting. Tomorrow is class #2. Teaching beginners is a whole new battle for me, but watching beginners learn is twice as gratifying.
A deep sigh of relief that all is well, and is getting better day by day... there are bright things in my present and in my future... and all of that, I realize, is a choice.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
ARRRGGGH
I am so frustrated.
My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.
So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.
I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.
I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.
So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.
I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.
I don't know what to do but cry and pray.
I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.
I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.
My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.
So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.
I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.
I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.
So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.
I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.
I don't know what to do but cry and pray.
I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.
I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Feliz Navidad
Merry Christmas from Mexico! I found myself in the internet cafe again, trying to get a handle on the new happenings in my SLO yoga community.
Yesterday was Christmas Day, and what an amazing one it was. We started off, as many days do, with mom's scones, followed up by small gifts, jugo de mango and huevos y papas fritas. As Christa cooked, I sat blowing my nose, mom danced around singing the 12 days of Christmas (Reggae Remixed) complete with hand movements for each day... the geese a laying and maids a milking were the most entertaining. I laughed and laughed :O)
It seems we've all shifted roles in this family, with Christa being the mom, and mom being one of the kids. I've never laughed more.
We then went to a place that has dolphins in the open ocean fenced off so that they're captive... strange. We all had mixed feelings about it, but then learned that they are born in captivity and have much longer lives kept there, and there's plenty of space for them to swim freely (well almost freely).
We sat on the beach first and drank pina coladas out of coconuts... mine wasn't strong enough so I had 2, the second with extra rum... that was bliss. We then snorkeled around for a while, I prefer still swimming with my goggles, so that's what I did, but used fins to swim around like a dolphin :O)
Then we went for our dolphin adventure, where we learned a few tricks to perform with the dolphins. It was pretty cool. I still felt bad that they were captive, but they truly seemed happy and loved all the attention. Pretty unreal.
We topped off the trip with a hike through the 'ruins' which turned out to be the tourist version, and seemed to be concrete casts of things looking like ruins. Mom walked through before us and came back screaming about 4 foot iguanas. Well she has a tendency to exaggerate, so we laughed it off and continued on. Sure enough when we came to the iguana that scared her, it looked to be 2 feet or so, but then we came upon a group of people feeding a few small iguanas... and as they kept feeding, bigger ones came out of the woodworks until really a 4 foot orange scary looking thing came out. I was taking pictures with the camera on 12X zoom when it lunged at us, making me jump and scream. It looked a lot closer, but really, it was creepy.
We took a taxi back and napped on the couches in the condo. The four of us are so lucky to not only be able to vacation like this, but to truly enjoy each other the whole time. We ran together this morning around town, with mom telling the locals that we were crazy white people.
Good times from Cozumel, Mexico. A few more days and a long trek home back to reality. Sometimes I wish I could be on vacation forever.
Yesterday was Christmas Day, and what an amazing one it was. We started off, as many days do, with mom's scones, followed up by small gifts, jugo de mango and huevos y papas fritas. As Christa cooked, I sat blowing my nose, mom danced around singing the 12 days of Christmas (Reggae Remixed) complete with hand movements for each day... the geese a laying and maids a milking were the most entertaining. I laughed and laughed :O)
It seems we've all shifted roles in this family, with Christa being the mom, and mom being one of the kids. I've never laughed more.
We then went to a place that has dolphins in the open ocean fenced off so that they're captive... strange. We all had mixed feelings about it, but then learned that they are born in captivity and have much longer lives kept there, and there's plenty of space for them to swim freely (well almost freely).
We sat on the beach first and drank pina coladas out of coconuts... mine wasn't strong enough so I had 2, the second with extra rum... that was bliss. We then snorkeled around for a while, I prefer still swimming with my goggles, so that's what I did, but used fins to swim around like a dolphin :O)
Then we went for our dolphin adventure, where we learned a few tricks to perform with the dolphins. It was pretty cool. I still felt bad that they were captive, but they truly seemed happy and loved all the attention. Pretty unreal.
We topped off the trip with a hike through the 'ruins' which turned out to be the tourist version, and seemed to be concrete casts of things looking like ruins. Mom walked through before us and came back screaming about 4 foot iguanas. Well she has a tendency to exaggerate, so we laughed it off and continued on. Sure enough when we came to the iguana that scared her, it looked to be 2 feet or so, but then we came upon a group of people feeding a few small iguanas... and as they kept feeding, bigger ones came out of the woodworks until really a 4 foot orange scary looking thing came out. I was taking pictures with the camera on 12X zoom when it lunged at us, making me jump and scream. It looked a lot closer, but really, it was creepy.
We took a taxi back and napped on the couches in the condo. The four of us are so lucky to not only be able to vacation like this, but to truly enjoy each other the whole time. We ran together this morning around town, with mom telling the locals that we were crazy white people.
Good times from Cozumel, Mexico. A few more days and a long trek home back to reality. Sometimes I wish I could be on vacation forever.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Me duele la cabesa
I'm in Cozumel, Mexico with significant pressure in my head. What was an itchy throat turned into a stuffy nose and head. URGH.
It's absolutely beautiful here... white sand beaches, palm trees... it's quite an interesting tourist stop though. Each day big cruise ships pull into port and unload hundreds, maybe even thousands of 'coneheads' into town. You can see them waddle about, knowing their from somewhere in the midwest... Americans at their finest, following one person with a big red sign, waiting to buy and eat, exactly what the locals want and need for survival.
The horses pulling buggies wear sombreros, which flop about on their heads as they trot down the street. Everyone wants and needs our business, and there's a piece of me unnerved by the concept. There seems to be no pollution control because all cars and scooters smoke ridiculously.
The rest of the family is diving today, and here I sit at the Internet Cafe trying to figure out the yoga community I teach in and how to keep my own steam rolling into the new year. The new location of the Yoga Centre is going to be at the Academy of Dance off of Orcutt, but I'm hesitating about riding my bike down 227 at night. Am I just being a baby? Is it time for me to not teach for a while, or teach at Kennedy or Club 24, or at a public church?
I know I may very well be building classes from the ground up, so I want to be certain that I'm doing it in a place where I'm sustainable. These thoughts are swirling in and out of my head as I try to sleep breathing out of my mouth.
Yesterday we toured the island in a jeep... drove to the east side and had yummy fish tacos, made friends with a Siamese cat named Tequila, a hound dog named Fox and a bunch of horses. Mom finally went snorkeling naked, a dream come true, and we made it back to our relaxing abode with a few Blockbuster rentals... they have Starbucks here too!
I can't tell if all the decongestants have gotten to my head, or if I'm really just this sick, but I feel terrible, dizzy and ill.
It may be time to go back to the room and put my feet up.
We are all having a blast here, snorkeling, diving (them not me), and really just spending quality time with each other, not a regular experience anymore. This family is so eccentric, as I'm sure all would claim to be, but really, these are the most entertaining three I know, always adventurous, always hilarious, always happy and hungry. There will be a detox when we get home I'm sure. It's near impossible to find a whole grain on the island.
I'm off to relax in paradise... hoping this Christmas Eve my head clears up, and I figure out just what I need. I miss the Musician, but luckily he loaded me up with groovy tunes before I left... so he remains in my thoughts. After all the years and the ups and downs, maybe we can work it out someday. I've learned that I can't hold on too tight, but just have to release it into the universe, and if it comes back, it has the potential to be a beautiful thing.
Adios :O)
It's absolutely beautiful here... white sand beaches, palm trees... it's quite an interesting tourist stop though. Each day big cruise ships pull into port and unload hundreds, maybe even thousands of 'coneheads' into town. You can see them waddle about, knowing their from somewhere in the midwest... Americans at their finest, following one person with a big red sign, waiting to buy and eat, exactly what the locals want and need for survival.
The horses pulling buggies wear sombreros, which flop about on their heads as they trot down the street. Everyone wants and needs our business, and there's a piece of me unnerved by the concept. There seems to be no pollution control because all cars and scooters smoke ridiculously.
The rest of the family is diving today, and here I sit at the Internet Cafe trying to figure out the yoga community I teach in and how to keep my own steam rolling into the new year. The new location of the Yoga Centre is going to be at the Academy of Dance off of Orcutt, but I'm hesitating about riding my bike down 227 at night. Am I just being a baby? Is it time for me to not teach for a while, or teach at Kennedy or Club 24, or at a public church?
I know I may very well be building classes from the ground up, so I want to be certain that I'm doing it in a place where I'm sustainable. These thoughts are swirling in and out of my head as I try to sleep breathing out of my mouth.
Yesterday we toured the island in a jeep... drove to the east side and had yummy fish tacos, made friends with a Siamese cat named Tequila, a hound dog named Fox and a bunch of horses. Mom finally went snorkeling naked, a dream come true, and we made it back to our relaxing abode with a few Blockbuster rentals... they have Starbucks here too!
I can't tell if all the decongestants have gotten to my head, or if I'm really just this sick, but I feel terrible, dizzy and ill.
It may be time to go back to the room and put my feet up.
We are all having a blast here, snorkeling, diving (them not me), and really just spending quality time with each other, not a regular experience anymore. This family is so eccentric, as I'm sure all would claim to be, but really, these are the most entertaining three I know, always adventurous, always hilarious, always happy and hungry. There will be a detox when we get home I'm sure. It's near impossible to find a whole grain on the island.
I'm off to relax in paradise... hoping this Christmas Eve my head clears up, and I figure out just what I need. I miss the Musician, but luckily he loaded me up with groovy tunes before I left... so he remains in my thoughts. After all the years and the ups and downs, maybe we can work it out someday. I've learned that I can't hold on too tight, but just have to release it into the universe, and if it comes back, it has the potential to be a beautiful thing.
Adios :O)
Friday, December 14, 2007
Opinions and Judgements
I've noticed a few things as of late. The way I am living my life right now provokes many people to create strong opinions of me and also strong judgements.
Sometimes it's the car-less factor... making some feel insecure about the amount they spend on transportation or even just on gas. Those environmentally savvy people couldn't be more stoked about my decision. And then sometimes it's the 3 job factor, or sometimes the no insurance factor, or this that or the other.
Now I'm a strongly opinionated person, and the more opinions I collect from my peers, clients, friends and colleagues, the more I want to push them all away.
Is it just that it's different, or am I making people uncomfortable... so uncomfortable I'm receiving unsolicited advice. I can only take so much... and there are only a few in my close circle whose opinions I solicit... because I genuinely care what their opinion is.
So... I've been playing Ani Difranco's album Imperfectly a lot lately. It's got Ani's depth, but just enough light to it. There's a line I can't get enough of...
strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends
I've been thinking of relocating on a few different levels... mostly because I get tired of looking at my history in the faces of my friends... or ex boyfriends rather...
Can't get enough of that album... well, until enough is enough.
And... Pinecrest Calendar is 90% done!
Sometimes it's the car-less factor... making some feel insecure about the amount they spend on transportation or even just on gas. Those environmentally savvy people couldn't be more stoked about my decision. And then sometimes it's the 3 job factor, or sometimes the no insurance factor, or this that or the other.
Now I'm a strongly opinionated person, and the more opinions I collect from my peers, clients, friends and colleagues, the more I want to push them all away.
Is it just that it's different, or am I making people uncomfortable... so uncomfortable I'm receiving unsolicited advice. I can only take so much... and there are only a few in my close circle whose opinions I solicit... because I genuinely care what their opinion is.
So... I've been playing Ani Difranco's album Imperfectly a lot lately. It's got Ani's depth, but just enough light to it. There's a line I can't get enough of...
strangers are exciting
their mystery never ends
but there's nothing like looking at your own history
in the faces of your friends
I've been thinking of relocating on a few different levels... mostly because I get tired of looking at my history in the faces of my friends... or ex boyfriends rather...
Can't get enough of that album... well, until enough is enough.
And... Pinecrest Calendar is 90% done!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Clouds
I've realized much in the last few days... especially how one certain person whose intentions were only positive, was tossing me around like I was a rag doll on the end of a whip.
I cared too much. I think that's a common Scorpio trait.
So now we prepare for Cozumel :O) Christmas in Tahoe started to lose its steam after a few too many injuries on icy slopes. The snow in California is not like it used to be!
As cold as it is, as tired as I am of working, as many stuggles as are present, I love my life.
I feel like a huge cloud was lifted.
Oh and the bare bone structure of my site is up if anyone still reads this thing :O) jennahealy.com
I cared too much. I think that's a common Scorpio trait.
So now we prepare for Cozumel :O) Christmas in Tahoe started to lose its steam after a few too many injuries on icy slopes. The snow in California is not like it used to be!
As cold as it is, as tired as I am of working, as many stuggles as are present, I love my life.
I feel like a huge cloud was lifted.
Oh and the bare bone structure of my site is up if anyone still reads this thing :O) jennahealy.com
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