Oh to get back to that wave...

Well, I'm back. Back to work, back to reality.

It's been a few weeks since I've written, mostly because I've been swept away in work and things. Wildflower Triathlon was the weekend Ray and I got home. We had so much fun with the family... Christa, Mom, Larry, Kurt, Ray, Chelsea, Lilly, Bennett and of course Taylor. Some of our friends from SLO also competed. It was a great festival weekend. The race was hot and hilly, just as I'd remembered. It was a lot harder to race completely untrained, but none the less, I finished with an OK time.

I felt great for a few weeks being home... amazingly fabulous until the same work issues presented themselves. I'm still waiting to hear on the new proposal I wrote. We should have known a few weeks ago, but no word yet. Apparently there have been some delays. That part is frustrating for me. I hesitate to commit to too many people at the club because I'm not sure what the future holds for me there. Frustrating. It may be time for me to create my own project. Maybe this weekend I'll work on creating my next job...

I realized I haven't posted any pictures in a while. Let me see if I can find any--I'm on Ray's computer...



Here's one of me dropping into a wave in Waikiki. I love those warm slow rollers. I could surf there all day--in fact, that's all I'd want to do if I lived there.

I had the most stressful day at work today I've had I think ever. The boss man really came down on our department, and most other departments in the building. People are getting laid off, hours cut back, pay reduced... it's mayhem. Being a manager is not fun in these times.

I felt the stress vibrate in my body for the beginning of the day... a few hours went by and I'd seemingly shaken it off, but as I made it home and relaxed, the stress turned into anger which turned into to tears. I was angry that something like this has to happen, angry that we can't afford as a company to pay our employees the cost of living. Such raw frustration.

I really feel like it's time to take the wheel and create what exactly I want. Since being back from vacation I've set better boundaries. I sleep in, train few clients and really take care of myself first. Sleeping in makes all the difference in the freaking world. I am twice as happy.

Well, now I think I'll focus on what's next. Start to create a new vision... anyone have any ideas?

Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast.

Thursday on Oahu... we finally made it back to the North Shore today. After 3 days in Waikiki, we were more than ready to come back up. The North Shore is much more mellow, and when the surf is firing, it's muy grande up here.

We had fun in Waikiki... 3 straight days of longboarding, some snorkeling, lots of walking and hanging out drinking Coronas. It's tourist town down there though. They've got the top designer stores down there now too like Fendi, Gucci, etc., and a Trump tower going up soon. It's a very different vibe.

We hopped on beach cruisers today for a stroll and it started raining on us. Since the air and rain is so warm, we kept riding. Ray said I was having too much fun on a bike. And I was. Happy freaking day.

Life is good here. I could definately live in this--but then how ever could I live anywhere else? It doesn't get much better.

It's so nice to have life slow down so much. Time to think, to sleep, to breathe. I am so happy on vacation. Like I always think... I could vacation for a living, no problem.

I guess eventually we have to go back to reality. Soon it will be Summer in SLO and life is pretty peachy with those conditions too.

I am REALLY missing Tay right now. It's been the longest in years I've been away from him. I saw him for a day between NY and Hawaii and he literally pinned me down... put his foot on my chest. I guess he was telling me something.

It's time for me to get a new place to live. If anyone still reads this, help me manifest a new studio with room for Taylor and a groovy location. Shell Beach or SLO town. I'm not too picky :O)

A few more days of paradise, then back to reality. Reality is pretty good too, but it's not quite Oahu's paradise.

Aloha!

Ray and I flew out of San Francisco on Saturday after a killer 8 mile hill run at Quicksilver with the parents and Sandra. What a blast it is to run free in the mountains! Taylor and Luna both reached their capacity at about 7 miles, so the last one was slow goin, but none the less incredible.

We arrived on Oahu at about 9pm, and headed North. We made it to the North Shore at about 10pm and were greeted by some awesome friends. I had no idea that there were guys in their 30s just hanging around surfing like Ray. These guys were everywhere. We blew up an aero bed and slept like babies. My head cold did not bode well with the plane ride, but a good night of sleep allieviated some of the pressure in my head.

First day on Oahu, we went for a driving tour, up the hill to an ancient temple site to check the view and the surf, down to check Pipeline and Sunset. The surf was huge. It looked just like all those movies we'd watched for so long back in cold watered California. There were surfers everywhere.

The people out here are much different from New Yorkers. It's like night and day. They're relaxed, they breathe, they go with the flow and don't really stress out. These people don't resist... they don't fight against what is, or try to prove what isn't. It's a beautiful thing.

It's good to see Ray... 3 weeks apart is a long time. He's happy here. I know he'd move back in a second if I said now. Ray and John paddled out at Freddy Land and V Land that day--yesterday. I stayed on the beach and read Song of Solomon--the Toni Morrison book I picked up at the airport. The book my mom's been telling me I must read. I'm loving it so far.

I watched them paddle out, but lost sight of them as they joined the sea of about 50 surfers in the line-up. Such good waves, such amazing surfers. They eventually came out, ran down the beach to where I was, and got going.

Amazingly enough, a friend of John's score Jack Johnson tickets. It's a festival he puts on every year, and this year Eddie from Pearl Jam, Matt Costa, and some local Hawaiian artists played. The show was meant to celebrate Earth Day and to teach the kids Kokua or respect for the land and ocean. It was freaking amazing. Warm breeze, warm rain, smiles... the people here are free. They don't trip out. They don't judge. They are so easy going. Anyway, the boys are going to surf and I'm going to hang out on the beach and in mother ocean.

This is paradise. Aloha!

Being Fearless in 2007

Ok, on to the conference. We had our first day with Seane Corn. She's just gotten back from India with Ashley Judd, who is the Global Ambassador for YouthAids and an actress.

She spoke for about 3 hours about India, the chakras in our own bodies, Carolynn Myss, and yoga. She has a great story, and great personality.

We went into the practice, and I don't know if I had too much PMS or if I was in a sensitive place, but I did not have a good experience. Since there were beginners in the room, she toned down the class a bit, but still made it difficult for everyone. What I didn't like was that she'd get us into asanas and seemingly leave us while she'd talk about something conceptual. After about 10 breaths, my mind tuned out and I started to get angry and feel abandoned. Maybe that's my lesson. Maybe it's time for me to start addressing anger and abandonment. It wasn't a one time thing though, it was the entire practice of these types of asanas, and the interesting part was, she wouldn't tell us how long we were planning on, so on some poses it was 5 breaths, and some 20-30 breaths. It was exhausting, and my blood sugar started to get low. Perhaps that's the emotion that needed be evoked, but I was not a happy camper, and I'd just had 10 days of perfectly taught JivaMukti classes. URGH. I don't know if her mind was caught up, or if this is how she generally teaches, but it wasn't something I'd go back to. She did talk again afterwards about chakras and other really interesing stuff. I have no doubt in her abilities, but this execution was painful and disheartening.

Ok, moving on. We saw Jane Goodall who was 100% enjoyable to watch speak. She is the one who studied with Luis Leeky in Africa and the first ever to live with Apes. She got her doctorate degree at Cambridge and went on to help apes and many other animals and humans too in her life. She started a company called Roots and Shoots, for our world's youth, read more about it!

Al Gore was terrific! He was ever so sly about addressing the country's current state, and was truely funny with his sarcasm. He is so well educated, and so very smart. He's got great insight into our globe and how to help keep this world a float. He failed to recognize how shifting to an animal free diet would better the Global Warming issue, but it's been estimated that 18% is from animal agriculture. That's more than fuel emissions from cars to my understanding. I think if he gets too far fetched he'd be rejected. Baby steps.

We saw Andrew Harvey, author of Sacred Activism, who reminded me much of the character from Back to the Future. He spoke about organized religion, about souls, about being crucified and reborn in our own lives, about archetypes, and about forgiving yourself.

We saw and heard much more. If any more comes to me I'll add it in. Oh, we saw Bobby McFerrin, who sung without any words, but rather chanted and made noises, beat on his own chest! He introduced Jane Goodall and Al Gore. He was great. He's the one who wrote 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'.

We also did a Chi Gong/Tai Chi class with Michael Craft, who was amazing.

We saw David Gershon who spoke about The Low Carbon Diet. His lecture was a little dry, and I became distracted and left. I found a company called I (heart) Yoga, started by a guy named Moses, which looks to be good stuff.

Well, thanks to Stephan Rechtschaffen and Elizabeth Lesser, founders of Omega, for another great year.

Back in California for some sunshine and quality TRI training before Hawaii! Wahooie!

Connecticut and Broadway

So after spending the evening with family again, sleeping on the couch, and waking early to make it to Grand Central Station in time for a Connecticut train, we were off!

We made it to Connecticut where Nancy (my grandmother's best friend) picked us up. Oh how beautiful it was to see her. She dropped us off at Aunt Teeper's house, whose existance has always been interesting to say the least. That side of my mom's family was very very wealthy, and watching the trauma of that unfold has been... well, interesting.

Christa and I set out in Teeper's 2003 Mercedes E class with something like 8,000 miles on it. She never drives it... always takes her Jag. We went to Rowaton market, a familiar place. We bought lunch and drove back singing and dancing in the car. Aunt teeper doesn't cook, doesn't eat much either.

After the dog food scare, she bought Pepperidge Farms cookies and only let her dog Lulu eat cookies for weeks. Like I said, interesting.

Anyway, we had dinner with Nancy that evening after a great nap and a drive around Darien. Nancy and mom talked all about who lived where and whose kids had become what or died early or moved wherever. They both agreed that they were the only two who could talk this way anymore, for everyone else has transcended on.

We ate dinner at the Lime, a fabulous restaurant with the same waitress we see once a year. Nancy shared her wisdom about sisterhood, relationships, and life, which we all LOVED her reflections on.

We woke up to rain, lots and lots of it. We made it to the train station and back to the city, still pouring. Grand Central had a cab line about 25 people deep. If we didn't have so much luggage we'd have walked, but we waited until our turn. Made it to the Sheraton eventually, where I began working on my new project... yes working. Christa and mom showed up with uncle Michael a few hours later after looking for Broadway tickets.

We ate at phenomenal restaurants... vegan or raw all of them. The favorites were Gobo, Pure Food and Wine, and Angelica's Kitchen.

We ate things like RAW ravioli, avocado soup, nut cheeses, etc. We also came across a couple who wrote the book RAWvolution. They started a restaurant in Santa Monica and SHIP OUT raw food on a weekly basis! The menu each week is different too! I think I will start ordering when I get back from Hawaii.

Broadway was great. We saw Company on Friday night, a show where each character not only sung, they carried around a musical instrument. They ranged from the flute, stand up base, french horn, trumets, triangle, and more. It was about one guy who is single and dating around. He has a bunch of couples who he hangs out with. All the girls and some of the guys want him. Their relationships start to evolve and fall apart, but they all encourage him to marry none the less. He wants to marry, but also is surrounded by a world that doesn't give the impression that it would last. It was great.

Then on Sunday night we went to The Color Purple. That was by FAR the best Broadway show I've EVER seen. Holy shit. The soul in those voices, the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the triumph. The theater was vibrating with energy, soulful, earthy, heavy energy. It was exquisit. Thank you Oprah!

New York Round Two

The second half of my journey in New York begun on Tuesday; my mom and sister arrived in the early evening. Knowing they'd be famished and needing nourishment, I'd gone to the local produce stand and bought as many vegetables as I could carry.

I knew dinner may be in a few different rounds... Morgan was due to arrive along with Ryan and Michelle. I prepped a gigantic bowl of vegetables: kale, cabbages, carrots, onions. I had tofu marinating in low sodium soy sauce (a second to shoyu), ginger, garlic and olive oil. In another bowl I had a huge salad with everything you could imagine! Carrots, spinach, mixed greens, cabbage, sprouts, etc. I also had sweet potatoes 90% done so the last heat would make them perfect. So when people showed up, all I had to do was throw ingredients into a pan, and poof! Dinner was served.

We took both dogs for a walk before Ryan and Michelle arrived, wandering around the streets of Brooklyn. It felt great to have a comfort group again.

I realized how much I depend on other people to motivate ME sometimes. I mean, it's a much different world motivating and UNmotivated person without anyone around you. It's almost too easy to get sucked in to T.V. or the comforts of a couch.

I did learn a lot while I was there, and I hope Ryan did too. I learned how I will act on these intensives in the future, and realize that if it's a live-in situation, I probably need to venture out more on my own.

I had a GREAT time... saw so many things. I'm going to start a new post to trick you into reading more!

Surviving via Yoga

After ONE week... I start to think. I could NEVER live here. What happened to being able to walk around in nature? What happened to friendly people? What happened to all these people to make them so driven and busy? The vibration of all the energy is unreal, and in the beginning--foreign. It's starting to frustrate me that now I'm used to this!

Don't get me wrong... I've had a blast here, and there is much more fun to have, but REALLY, I'm ready for California sunshine, directly followed by Hawaii sunshine. F*ck this cold weather and dreary people.

Jivamukti has been my only saving grace. The studio is amazing. The teachers are phenomenal, and syncronized in their teachings. You can tell they've all gone through the same training. Each class has similar components and series' but is also unique to the teaching style.

Let's see... what have I observed in the quality of their teachings...

Each class starts with chanting, singing and 3 invocations of om. Some of the instructors play that accordian/piano looking thing, whose name escapes me. There is a monthly focus. This month it's trataka. It's the practice (or my interpretation of it) of looking at a flame or an object without blinking and allowing your eyes to water. Once they do, you turn your practice internal and look through your 3rd eye. Each class I've done the meditation. It's pretty cool. The link will tell you a lot more about it.

The instructors then start with Surya Namaskar A and B, or some variation of them. The sequences are like none other I've practiced. They make sense... they're fun, but challenging. There was only one pose in the last 5 days I couldn't do... it was a version of a warrior 2 I believe, where you grab your front foot and straighten that leg. It's actually the pose David Swenson is doing on the left of these links. Wow. I did get the foot a little up, but holy smokes. That could have been the hardest attempted pose I've tried. I know there is much harder out there, but geez.

They all count: inhale, exhale, one... inhale, exhale, two... etc. Very clearly, methodically. The teachers instruct like leaders. This is how you do it. Period. It reminds me of Peter or Tawny--two teachers who definately have the articulation down.

I wonder when I'll start teaching more yoga. Up until this point, it's been small groups and private sessions. I guess I'd rather have an organized training before teaching. I don't make the time as of now to learn the Sanskrit, and I don't want to teach large groups until I do. Maybe I'm just scared.

I think what it really is, is just saying it over and over again, the verbal instructions that is. Over and over. I think I'll get an audio recorder and just start practicing. That's what it takes.

Well life at home is so busy that if I just get my own practice in, I'm a happy camper. I haven't been training for Wildflower. It's less than a month away, and I haven't done anything in a week but yoga. I feel great, but race day I may be hurting.

Well, I'm off to bed. Still on west coast time. It's almost 2am here. Time for the subway to rattle my bed in the wee hours of the morning, and the police cars to flash lights and sirens to go off. Oh how I love the city.

I close my eyes and think... just make the rats disappear. OMM...

Rats on the subway. Ick. The smell of the city has become normal, making me wonder if now I smell the same?

Last night I met up with one of my clients and his kids. We went out to a club, that was phenomenally fun. We had to drop the magic name to get in, but once inside we set up for thenight. Late night dancing and 2 bottles of Belvedere later, I took a cab back to Brooklyn. I love to dance.

I went to yoga today and yesterday. It's amazing yoga. Precise, articulate instructors, real chanting, exhilarating energy. There were about 100 people in today's Saturday 4pm class. In SLO, there are only morning weekend classes. This is crazy. To see 100 people in headstand or wheel pose, it's breath taking.

Ryan is being awesome and having great success sticking to his semi-vegetarian, dairy free, wheat free diet. I got a temporary gym membership so I won't go too crazy. It's still freaking cold though. I've seen 2 days of snow flurry... and this is April. Crazy.

I'm watching his 2 boxers silently knaw on eachothers faces. I still am going on the theory that inside dogs with no backyard go crazy. At least he has a roof they can roam on.

Well, dinner is made and eaten... I suppose I'll do something else. Hmmm... but what?

I imagine New Yorkers have knee issues in general from all the stairs and bad arch supported shoes. I keep observing body mechanics. It's just my nature.

Oh and the people here--still weird. Still off in so many lost worlds... and I say lost to me, but to them, I suppose I'm the lost one. It still holds true that the most friendly, centered population... the only ones that look you in the eyes... the yogis. Imagine that.

Hopefully I can get those rats out of my head. Maybe there are even some teenage mutant ninja turtles under there!!

The Gloomy Side of NYC

It's Friday. My fifth day of New York. Thus far it's been interesting... interesting in the sense that it's not home. It isn't my beloved central coast with endless mountains of clean air to climb, or ocean to play in.

Everything is spacially challenged here. The pools are advertised by feet instead of yards or meters... and FYI, 75 feet means damn short. You see a lot more junk everywhere.

I think the thing most challenging about the city is the people. They are unfriendly for the most part. You don't look at people in the eyes, which for me is horrible and challenging.

The other part of it all is living in someone else's space and trying to teach him how to reprogram his routines. Every night I blow up a double decker aero-bed, which, when it doesn't deflate isn't too bad to sleep on. I haven't had sheets, which means mid way through the night I wake up cold... or thinking the world has ended due to the sounds outside. I definately am not getting quality sleep.

Ryan gets up to work and I can either get up and out, or go back to bed in his room. It's alright. Oh and my clothes are in his room so the dogs don't chew them... which means I have to plan for anything before he rises to pack adequate clothing.

I feel like I'm cooking constantly, which I enjoy, but I'm trying to make things he'll enjoy... and coming from a donut and diet coke man--let's just say his body is in shock... tastebuds and all.

These are all good lessons.

We exercised yesterday, for the first time in a while. Damn I needed it. I was getting pretty cranky. It's harder to exercise here. It's cold... the gyms are small and equipment poorly taken care of.

I think I'll venture to D.C. today or tomorrow... see how much independence I can create in Ryan's eating routines.

Don't get me wrong... I am greatly enjoying my time, it's just an adjustment. I think the reason why I thought a month would be a good idea is because Ryan said that if I was coming to at least come for that long. I'm starting to think that was mostly for his benefit.

I don't need a month here. 3 weeks will be plenty, and Christa and Mom will be here soon enough. I do miss my beloved wine country, rolling hills, and ocean breeze.

And my boys... Ray and Tay... hopefully they don't disown me.

Brooklyn Day 1

Day 1 of Brooklyn, New York!

Today started where yesterday ended... on a red eye from San Jose to Newark, NJ. I half way slept due to the fact I occupied a middle seat. The man to my left was large and cuddley, so I leaned his way a few times.

I took a few different trains, but with commuter traffic (7-8am) and my baggage, I took a cab staight from manhattan. Now, knowing where the hell I am, not a big deal, but lost in the city with stuff, not so much.

So I got here, met the two precious boxers, who decided to lick me to pieces... I didn't argue since I had plain stench on me anyway. What a refreshing way to start the day!! After about an hour I started feeling sleepy and took a good nap.

Ryan and I headed for his girlfriend's house on the G Train in Brooklyn. She twisted her ankle, so we brought her Arnica gel and an ace bandage... oh and some chamomile and lavender tea for inflammation.

We then took a train to Manhattan where we shopped for running shoes and searched for JivaMukti, the yoga studio. We then ate a vegan lunch at a restaurant whose name I'm sure to eventually remember, and made Ryan's meal plan for his transition.

We then went to see 300 on IMAX which was incredible and LOUD! The men in that movie were delicious looking. Holy abdominals. I think that made the movie for me. Otherwise it was pretty bloody and violent, but the bodies... and they wore little speedo-like things so you could really see their legs. I'll get over it.

We then went to Whole Foods to get dinner, at this point we were famished so bought EVERYTHING in the store... carrying back on the L Train was tricky, but luckily, not far to walk.

I love vacation. I love that I'm able to take time off. I know I'm going to be a better employee and person because of this trip. Ray and I leave for Oahu on the 21st, and that will be the perfect Yin for this Yang life in NYC.

New Yorkers are quite interesting. Ryan tells me to not make eye contact... and the one time I did, the guy OBVIOUSLY looked me up and down. Crap. I'm used to at least trying the friendly vibe, but people here are so anonymous, it's amazing. We haven't seen anyone he knows AT ALL (besides his girlfriend) and he's been here 4 years!! If it were SLO, I'd have run into 15 people who I am closely connected to. Lots of freak shows too.

He's teaching me about the culture, about the trains, the city, the trends, the arts, and I'm teaching him about his body. It should be so simple. Such a good trade.

Well I should sleep. It's past midnight here, and even in California, it's past my bedtime.

...it is kind of nice being the only one with a tan here... but not flip flop weather--I'll have to wait until Hawaii.

That Wave

I slept in today, and I wasn't supposed to. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an early morning person anymore... not unless it's for my own benefit. I feel less stressed in general, after being pretty sick from last week's stress attack, and realize again that I can only do so much.

I'm wondering if this past weekend's 2 day cold was allergy related? I haven't had issues in the past, but the pollen in the air is thick. Venessa would be in agony.

I took Tay to the beach today after work. I almost took a surfboard, but took running shoes instead. That's the last time I won't bring both! The surf was perfect for me... little, clean, warm. The perfect wave. I imagine evening surf is going to be pretty good for a while... and I can't think of a better way to end my day.

Tay and I played soccer for about 3 miles. We'd switch off offense and defense, until we needed to gain some serious yardage. It was such good training to just run with the ball at my feet. It brings me back about 10 years :O)

I didn't bring my camera tonight, but it was one of those nights; warm breeze, pink sky, picture perfect. The clouds even have a way of perfectly framing the view, it's like they were only intended to be there... no where else.

After our run, I remembered what my live blood analysis doctor had said about releasing through cold water on the feet. I HAD to go in the ocean! After a brief dip, I could feel my body sigh. It only wanted to cool itself, and all that the day brought was heat.

I'm remembering how good this ocean feels, and plan to be in it as much as possible.... indefinately.

STRESS case

Today is Friday, thank the lord. Carrie covered for me this morning, so I didn't have to wake up at 5am. I actually had time for breakfast, a quick jog with Tay, tea, shower and time to write! What a difference in the day it makes.

Yesterday I got a little stressed out. We had a speaker ALL DAY paid for by the club (although since I'm not on salary, I missed my day's pay) who talked about machines, research and concepts we already are quite familiar with. It was interesting--YES, to get 50 athletic minded people in the same room at the same time, but he kept saying things like, "well since I'm not very smart..." or "not having that 180 point IQ..." It really just made me think to myself, well, why the f**k am I wasting my day listening to YOUR expertise?

Anyway, during the meeting I was making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. Prioritizing, categorizing... they would have been so simple to just knock out! But NO, I had to listen to Mr. Insecure about his knowledge all day. So 4pm rolls around and I'm completely overwhelmed, not just because I've got my hands in so many project pots, but because in less than a month I ship out for an unpaid 5 weeks. There is a lot of prep work to be done to train someone in on my position, making sure all my clients keep their appointments with an alternate trainer... prep work like crazy.

So I decided to walk away and go to yoga. That could calm me down, right? Well little did I know, there's a place you can get yourself that's TOO stressed for yoga. I couldn't calm my breath, I couldn't relax into my poses. I couldn't think, and my dislocated wrist was killing me. Oh yeah, I slowly, over about a month's time dislocated my wrist... so that puts me out of my training certification this weekend, and out $300 bucks.

Anyway, then a friend calls and wants to have a business meeting in the morning. Then Betsy calls and tells me that she's disappointed that I didn't do her linens and water the plants, but she never specified that she wanted me to do any of it! I was literally there 3 nights while she was gone, but I guess I wasn't as 'adult' as she wanted me to be. It just snowballed.

Finally Ray and I rode our cruisers downtown and ran a few errands and caught part of SLO's Film Festival on Surfing. I paid $45 for two of us, which was fine, for a good cause. The first movie they showed I'd seen 10 times, and since I thought I was waking up early for my client, I skipped out before the 2nd. That's one expensive movie!

I also committed to house sit free of charge for a coworker, and went over to check out the situation. She's got fish, 3 dogs, one of which has pancreas issues, another one with SEVERE aggression issues, two cats, one with diabetes, the other secludes itself... and I guess that's all. They all get different diets/medications. Whew. Good thing I've got so much free time.

So I guess the point of the story is to not bite off more than you can chew. I guess it's time for me to realize that my plate is full and not to take on extra projects. It's just managing what I've already committed to that may drive me insane.

Sorry if you read all my bitching. I guess sometimes I just need it.

Best Chair Ever

I'm ironically sitting in the same spot as I was last week, the relax-the-back chair. I took 1/2 of Monday off, giving me two full days to unwind and relax.

I needed it. The last 2 weeks have been oh so stressful. It seems like I've reached the calm after the storm... finally.

I'm thinking about how I can start to work for myself more... how I can keep my own interest in mind as I'm working for others. I think it's about keeping records and notes of the things I'm doing, and also taking the time to ensure my basic needs are being met.

It's been hard not having a home. I've been staying with Betsy, which is absolutely great, about half the time, and with Ray the other half. Even though both places are cozy (especially with Ray's new bed and cookware) they aren't MY home. They don't have my things and my energy, only a small space. The detachment lesson is huge though, for that I am thankful.

I did get to the point last week of not having a place to go... Betsy had houseguests in her guest room, where I've been staying, and Ray and I were NOT getting along. It was the worst feeling in the world. So bad, that I looked on Craigs list the next day for rooms to rent for a few weeks. I drove around aimlessly, prepared to show up on a friend's doorstep, or at worst, sleep in my car. Thankfully Ray and I worked it out. Next time I'll just get a hotel room.

I'm getting excited about New York, and for that matter all that lies ahead. I'm excited about where I am and how I've established myself... and I hope that I can keep my head glued on tight enough to ride this wave for a length of time.

Figuring out how to vacation and get paid is my question. Maybe to find clients who travel and vacation... a high roller who needs a trainer to come along for the ride and keep their body in check?

I guess after watching The Secret, I just need to figure out what I want and ask for it... create the vision.

Perhaps it's time to explore this option...

Yummy Yoga

I headed home, to the nest. It was Saturday afternoon, rainy, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to create that ever-so-healthy environment I used to have in my own space. I will not sit around and waste my life away. I will not do nothing when there is work to be done. I will not just ly down and die and think that I didn't work as hard as I could have towards those things for which I am passionate.

So I made it here, after 3 hours of pouring down rain. I didn't care about the gas money, nor Taylor on my new leather, nor the weather outside. I needed to get away, and fast. It's not that anything is particularly wrong right now, but rather, nothing is particularly right. You know, the kind of right that makes you lose sleep because you just can't separate yourself from that passion--whether it be a person, a book, a puzzle, a question... I just can't find it.

I briefly watched Oprah talk about "The Secret" when I arrived. From what I gather, the secret is about like attracting like, or create what you wish in your life and like will attract to you. I agreed with Oprah... she said that's how she's always lived her life, and didn't know it was a secret! I think that I too live a pro-active kind of life and I know that if I don't create what I want, it rarely appears.

So, here I sit, in the 'relax the back' chair. My mom, Larry and I went to a killer dynamic yoga class this morning. The teacher took a liking to me. He was from India, and boy did he smile! I started to think about what it was exactly in each powerful teacher I'd come across that made me anxious for more.

Jennifer was my first REAL teacher, and she exposed me to the world of Ashtanga. Her presence was strong, adjustments delightful, and knowledge broad. Then there was Amy, who taught Nia. She allowed a blank canvas for personal expression, a non-judgemental environment, and play! Oh how I love love to play in my own skin!

I practiced with Alyson for a few weeks before she left for India, and I think she was one of my favorites by far. She provided laughter to yoga... it was light easy laughter. The poses were challenging, the class still moved along, but that smile felt so good on my face. She didn't intimidate; she came from such a strong loving place, you couldn't help but to just think of her as a great person. She wouldn't get into poses just to show you that she was capable, and related to things sometimes being hard!

Then I caught a few weeks of Peter before he moved to Santa Monica. I felt like I'd entered a secret society. I had dabbled in and out of classes since my teens, but had always been seeking more. Peter was what was more. His students were serious, capable, dedicated, and friendly. He taught in a small room in a church, hidden from the world. His style is dynamic, he articulates very well exactly how to move, and challenges your strength... physical, mental, emotional. With a handful of these classes, I felt like I'd entered a whole new realm of yoga. He taught a class up above Cayucos in the mountains which I can only describe as epic. He built an outdoor stage under this enormous oak. Of course I got lost and was late, and ended up practicing at his feet, at the very front of the stage. The wind whistled past us, the practice was brilliant, the woods almost came alive to assist us in our asanas. I remember getting into headstand, knowing that falling forward or backwards was not an option; I knew I had to nail it. I did... and as soon as I turned upside down, I saw the oak, in clear view, completely balanced and centered, and the wind... cool and calm flowing past us all upside down. Oh so powerful.

I think that's what it is about brilliant instructors, they allow a blank enough canvas, just enough guidance, but assist in creating some of the most powerful, clean and clear energy to bathe in.

Tawny's classes are amazing as well. She uses the most precise articulation to really evoke internal energy. Her music selections are brilliant, and have brought tears to my eyes. She's a feeler, and in her practice, I can see her feel what she teaches... without judgement, without forcing it, by just being open and present. What a class; what an amazing goddess of yoga :O)

And there are more... the more I write the more I think about the influence brilliant teacher have had in my life. Hana's creativity, the other Jenna's discipline. The list goes on and on. Jillian Pransky at Omega, Gabrielle Roth and her 5 rhythms of movement. I know in the first exposure if I meet a teacher who I want to learn more from. But what is it? What is it that captivates the attention of like minds, so much that you make that class a priority. If you're tired, sleep deprived, hung over, aching, wound up too tight, what PULLS YOU to that class?

It must be a secret.

...and more pictures

Lavender Sessions

Since I can't think of anything nice to say, I'll show pictures:

Impossible to Please

It's 9:15PM, and while I'm usually asleep by now, I'm awake with a wandering mind. There are too many 'what ifs' in life. Too many forks in the road. I'm starting to wonder if I've been strong enough to choose the path best for me.

I've cut back on the amount of time spent working this week. It's putting me into the 40-50 hour range, which I think is not too shabby. Lord knows I'd love to be 'semi-retired' but I don't think I'd have the same level of fulfillment I have now. At least when I do retire, I can look back and know that I've made a difference. I used to have so much free time to write, dance, play, run, and it seems now to be obsolete.

I've started to wonder if I'm an easy person to be around... I remember a certain ex saying that it was rough due to my high expectations. I feel like I'm pretty easy going, somewhat entertaining, and I can always perform circus tricks if anyone gets bored... but really, I think I'm damn hard to please. I wonder if the problem is that I hold everyone else in my immediate circle to the level I hold myself?

I started these thoughts when a few friends questioned inviting me to a party because they didn't quite know what to feed me... and this isn't the first time my food habits were inhibiting for others. For the year that I tried the effect of meat on my body, I was accepted by the majority of people (something I wasn't used to) regarding my food choices. BUT, I felt like shit. So why would I sacrifice my own well-being to make someone else feel more comfortable about their own choice?

Let's just face it... I'm impossible to please. So am I doomed for a life alone? Will I even know it if I'm in a solid relationship? Or do I just have to meet a guy who already meets and exceeds my expectations?

I don't know why these emotions come over me... is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm a perfectionist? Should I just get over it?

I guess time will tell. At this point I'm ready to run. Where? Somewhere that can house a Taylor.

San Simeon

Today was Super Bowl Sunday. It's been quite some time since I've written. Let's see if I can sum things up since the last time I've written...

I've been living with Ray and Betsy about half and half lately. I joke that they have 'joint custody' of me and Tay. It's actually a really good situation. Ray works Sunday to Tuesday, and I usually stay with him Wednesday to Saturday. The commute from his house is much easier than from Pismo, but man do I love seeing that ocean on the way home :o)

I finally bought my dream car, and it feels so good. I put enough money down that I can afford the monthly payments fairly easily. I do have expensive taste, and will have to make enough to sustain that.

I just recalculated my budget tonight... trying to see how much time I can realistically go to New York for. The plane tickets aren't too bad, but missing out on work will really do me in.

Last weekend my mom, sister and I met in Cambria for the first of (hopefully many) Lavender Sessions. It was a relaxing 3 day weekend that really helped me ground myself. I tell ya, work was hard to go back to after that! I could be happy and semi-retired :O)

The elephant seals were unreal! So much that I took Bets and Ray up there this past weekend. Well, and to get that yummy spicy red curry from Robins. Holy bajesus is that stuff killer!



During the Lavender Sessions, we also went to Hearst Castle. I've lived here seven years and never been. It was spectacular.

I'm not certain that all I've written makes sense, but my computer is about to run out of power, and I should be heading to bed, so I will fix it later.

Thanks for reading.

Hoppy New Year

So today is New Years Eve... and I'm still acting like the Grinch. I just don't think I'm a holiday person. Tahoe was a great time, but the snow could have been better. Mom has a second degree sprain in her MCL, so that was a bummer not to haver her "happy ass" out on the slopes.

It's December, the moon is getting full... I'm not AS confused as I once was, but rather looking for opportunity in all my madness. I know there's a lesson in all of this. I know there is a reason for all of this.

I go back to work on Tuesday, and that is going to be quite the reality shock. Back to the vibrating box, urgh. I love what I do, but I may be bored, or overstimulated, or something. I'm seeking something that I'm not sure exists in SLO... maybe I travel for a while and then take on a new position somewhere. My club is opening a new facility in Paso, 30 minutes north. That'd be a commute, but something new to do... or rather somewhere new to do it in. HMMM. The more I think, the more I realize that it's all in my control. It's all a choice.

My New Year's Resolutions:

1. I'm now VEGAN... wish me luck.

2. Live simply.

3. Not work so many hours in the day so that I can't PLAY with Ray and Tay.

Amy takes off for Africa on Wednesday... and I'm so excited for her. She's going to South Africa to work in an orphanage with AIDS babies. She'll be gone for 3 months. People can be so brave and so selfless, I'm so proud of her... I just hope she comes back :O)

So now Tay, Cooper and I are chillin' out. Who knows if I'll actually make it somewhere for midnight, I'm sort of a 9pm bed goer. We'll see.

Crisis Means Opportunity

Holy cow it's been a long time! Let's see if I can bring it all up to speed quickly...

I had a birthday, threw a great party, got the 30-day notice from my landlord, had tofurkey, car trouble, holiday party with too much tequila, and here we are today... I got two thrilling things!!!

1. A post office box that is adorable. They gave me #68, not 1000 and something, but 68, one of the originals!

2. A storage unit! This will inevitably be the cheapest rent EVER.

So there was my life in a nutshell. I'm pulling up my roots and moving back in with Betsy for a while. I have a few places I can go, and if those don't work, I may head back to the hub. I may have tapped out my opportunities in SLO. That's a reality I'm coming to terms with.

I'm not feeling very festive with so much preoccupation, but the fear and stress has finally lifted. I think I bottomed out last week, and now I just have to make lemonade out of lemons.

The one thing I keep thinking about is what my mom said a few days ago.

CRISIS MEANS OPPORTUNITY.

I don't want to lose steam at 24, I have to keep climbing.

Just One Day

I've written twice since the last full moon. Twice. Writing used to be my outlet, but at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen, or even put any energy out that doesn't directly enhance my quality of life.

I've had a hard time keeping up lately. I don't think I've had a real day off in over a month. Between pilates, wedding, pilates, Florida, birthdays, etc., I haven't seen much of myself lately.

I can't even keep my eyes open...

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but the crazy thing is that a lot of people continuously live life like this. Lame.

Creation

It's Tuesday. I've seen 3 clients already, and now I await my pre-noon hike. Work is great, I'm extrememely busy with my own clients and also doing admin work. I really can't complain except that more people want my time than I have time to give. I know, it's a hard life.

So I've put together, by necessity really, some stretches for peoples hips and low back. I guess I've experimented until I've found a combination that jives particularly well.

Since stretching more clients, with some manual manipulation of muscles, and even sometimes bones... people are stoked. And think about it... if I saw a trainer doing a stretch on someone who looks to be in a trance, and they get up and walk more freely, no pain... I'd pay someone on the spot too.

So I don't want to push people away... what if I train other trainers to do this sort of thing. BUT if done wrong, there's a potential for disaster.

HMMM. I think I'll just go do more yoga. That's truly where I feel best.

It feels like I'm creating a whole new realm of training.

Ram Bam Thank Ya Ma'am

There's no doubt in my mind that the moon is powerful. I've written before about how odd things happen, people from the past resurface, mental states are almost taken over by the earth's energy. It's the closest to people walking around like zombies I think we ever get on earth.

Here are two interesting moon posts:

Lunatics...
The Moon Cloud...

So I ran into Joe, of course the ram from my past... strangely enough it was 7am and I'd taken a wrong turn on my way to Big Sky to pick up breakfast for Ray and I. I didn't recognize him at first, but then stopped to say hi and meet his dog. I went into Big Sky, and 2 minutes later, he walked in after me. Weird. One of the servers still thought we were together, as she packed coffeecake in the same bag for us. Comedy.

This moon is a Taurus moon, or the moon of the ram. People for almost 5 days this time have literally been ramming into each other. At work, twice in one hour, two different people tried to steal a machine I was leaning on with a client... I'm talking setting down their towels and all, not asking. It's never happened like that once, but twice... in the same day?!

Ray and I saw a woman back into another lady at New Frontiers today, I pointed at her and screamed before it happened and she looked at me like I was crazy. Little did she know, she was on moon crack. We heard right after that that 2 minutes before, another accident happened in the same spot.

Whatever it is, there is strange, crazy energy in the world this week. Ram moon, harvest moon, start of Fall, whatever it may be, people are crazy!

I myself had a pretty insane weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I blamed it on 3+ hours Fri-Sun doing Pilates, but it was more than that. I cried for the first time in a long time, hard and uncontrollably. I thought Ray way going to freak. I'd warned him of my craziness, but he hadn't seen me like this. I also freaked out and thought there were people in my house when I was home alone.

Day after day, it just gets more twisted. I mean, I know Taurus' are intense, but who knew their moon would send waves crashing?

Budge

Expressing Everyday Gratitude. That's what one of my emails was titled today. My grandfather used to say, "The Attitude is Gratitude."

Am I showing enough gratitude in my life in its present state?

The past few weeks I have been in job transition... at least in my head. I've been approached about a few intriguing projects, that seem to have some potential. I've also been negotiating for more income in my current position. The first offer was about as laughable as what I was previously being paid... the second offer is not much better. The more I fight for what I feel I deserve, the more I question my own worth.

In my heart, I know that I'm a hard working, dedicated, motivated employee... but what happens when you're working for a company in the health field that runs on a business model? They've made money on a this business model... but also in the process provided a facility to assist in changing lives for the better.

In a world where compensation is not readily offered (at least in my experience thus far) how the hell does one make a decent living? Especially when the cost of living comes pretty close to your wages?

I'm trying really hard not to judge anyone else right now. I sometimes wish I could live Ray's life... working 2 nights per week and playing 7 days per week. It's hard for me to give my all to all my clients and then come home to someone who has experienced nothing of the like all day. He keeps me sane for the most part though.

Going back to the subject of work, I almost feel as though my education, skills and experience matter very little in the grand scheme of things... I'm replaceable. BUT, I have a following. I've made a lot of people very happy in the 9 months I've been there... and that is worth thousands a month to them... even though I'm not.

Seriously, what gives?



The moon is getting fuller.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Float

This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.

There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?

I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.

Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.

We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.

Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.

Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.

If all days glowed so bright...

I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.

I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.

I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.

I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.

"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...

I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.

Oh in dreams , colored roses..."

Itch the Bitch

Life is good.

Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.

He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.

I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.

Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.

It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.

Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.

On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!

Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.

Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)

Lost Cause

Today has been by far the strangest day in many moons. I woke up at 6:20 for my client at 6:30... not nearly enough time to think. I was only 5 minutes late, and seeing as it was my big shot lawyer, I felt pretty bad. Shit happens.

So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.

So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.

Some good news... hmmm...

I'll think about it.

Until then, some pictures to entertain.

Wandering Mind

Because life is hard.

Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.

When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?

Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?

How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?

What if we just aim to feel?

There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.

Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?

The Beauty of Breath

Breathe... not because it's cool, not because someone told you it would make things easier, but because it brings life. It makes the organs glow with positive white light. It brings sanity and sanctity and everything impossible becomes suddenly obtainable. Because it will change your past, your present, your future, your SELF... breathe.

Dipshit

So I'm pretty much a dipshit. I noticed this morning at Rite Aid that I'd lost my credit/debit card. I remembered seeing it at the Cakery (quite impossible actually) and couldn't find it since. After frantically calling around, I finally tried to login to B of A online. It wouldn't log me on! So I am creating a conspiracy theory in my head. Somebody has stolen my card, closed the account and fled the country!!!

So, I call the bank... and sure enough, like a dipshit, I left the damn thing in the ATM on Monday :0) I never cease to amaze myself.

In other entertaining news, I cut Ray a mullet today... and for those of you who don't remember Billy Ray Cyrus, here is what the mullet looks like:

or check out http://www.mulletmadness.com/.

Life is funny.

Fire

Yoga tonight was excellent. All day I thought about how much I had to do, and hoped that I'd be able to scurry over to Tridosha. I made it happen... I had to.

Even though now, at 8:30pm, I have 4 programs to write and 3 baskets of laundry to fold (why on earth does someone need so many clothes?) I made it.

I've been thinking quite hard about how to incorporate vacation as more of my daily routine. Vacationing just felt so good to my soul, there must be a way to do it more often... and maybe even get paid for it.

Pinecrest pictures turned out great, except for the fact that I'm a dipshit and deleted half the pictures... hopefully Ben and Larry can perform some kind of witch magic and make them reappear.

The days are dragging, and I'm longing for hammock naps and long love affairs with my book. I guess that's what dreams are for. Tonight in yoga, Alyson the instructor made the analogy of finding where the muscle burns and sitting in the fire. I guess maybe that's what I'll use to get me through life. Sit in the fire, for the future may be fruitful.

Wishing for Simplicity

Writing hasn't been a priority and I think this is why I'm getting grumpy. It's Friday, the Friday of my first week back to work. Hanging out in the wilderness was so cleansing, so rejuvenating, so good for my soul...

I try to incorporate all of these things in my everyday life each year after Pinecrest. Unfortunately, I was greeted by flashing lights, annoying music, gym rats, and tons of work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I've actually been making enough money to live off of! But, I miss the serenity of Pinecrest. I miss being able to sleep when I needed sleep, exercise when need be, and jump in a lake when the world is too hot or too overwhelming.

So, here I sit, in my house, sun setting... I have a good life. But, today, I let stress overcome me. I woke up frantic and late, made it to work for my 6am appointment, and back in bed by 7:15. I've created this idiotic cycle. I wake up after not getting enough sleep, so I nap mid morning. Well then when evening comes, I'm not tired because I've napped, therefore the cycle continues.

Chris brought home a puppy today; he's puppy-sitting... which is ok, but adding to my stress and anxiety. I just need to breathe. Inhale... exhale... but even that seems to complex for a night like tonight.

The good news is that I've committed to yoga again, and that feels great.

Family Fun Time!!!

Now is the day to pack. It's 10:19, I'm sitting in my robe... waiting to find my energy to get up and go.

Here may be a peak at what's to expect from the family :O)

(Tahoe, Sweden, and some reoccurring nightmare...)

Almost There!

3 days until Pinecrest!!! All year we anticipate, we plan, we prepare mentally and physically, we dream... and finally, it's almost time.

My clients this morning cancelled, which coincidentally gave me enough time to do laundry, workout and prepare myself for the next two weeks. I can't wait. I'm pretty much jittery with excitement.

Ray came home, not sure if I wrote about that yet. I can't believe how much I missed him... a month is a long time to not have your best bud around. So now two out of three are back in the country. Chris, back from Costa Rica, Ray is back from Mexico, but Betsy is still in Bermuda.

So today I am watering plants, listening to Etta James... just kind of floating around the house. Luckily this place stays pretty cool during the day.

Sandy and Dave move this weekend to the Bay Area, which is going to be weird. Sandy has been in my life since the days of Dan and Dave, Cyrus and Rufus. We've grown so much together and helped support eachother through many tough times. At least they'll be close to my family up there.

So, nothing really intelligent to write today... my mind is on vacation mode. Here's a picture of me and Tay when we travel :)

A Few Shots

What I've been shooting lately:

Soon Soon

I read 72 tonight, for the first time in a long time. D is in love. His words flow eloquently, as if he were writing the novel of his life.

I knew I could never be this woman to him, nor he that man to me, but it's still creepy. Most of me is just glad he gets to experience all that he is. Maybe all he needed was to break free of San Luis and its memories, restrictions, and one night stands turned sour.

I feel like for the past few years I've been looking at him knowing very well that this is who he could be, but it was too complicated... and we were just too good as friends.

All I know is that he's happy, and therefore so am I. I don't know that I need to meet her yet, and of this I think he's aware. Thank you for that D.

One Week

I willed something to happen the other day. I didn't even realize that I'd done it until I remembered a few days later.

It was a Sunday, I had the day off. I was cleaning, doing laundry, watering plants and such... when I stopped to think about a person who I didn't feel like I was done with. I put my intention into that relationship... I made a conscious effort to make my presence known in his world. I spent time nurturing the things that reminded me of him.

Two days later, he calls. I hadn't talked to him in quite some time.

I know how connected the universe is, and if we only stop briefly to recognize it, we can learn and gain so much.

Anyway...

I finally have internet at home!!! This means all ya'll that are waiting on pictures from me are more likely to receive now. This also means I can blog more and write more newsletters (no, I haven't given that up).

I haven't decided which email to use anymore. My new gmail is too long, but I'm liking gmail... but with my new internet connection, I have sbc email again too.

Maybe I will start a new gmail with a shorter name, but then there are 3 to remember, or perhaps just forward them on... I'm thinking too hard about it.

I got nothing done this weekend. From Friday night to tonight (Sunday) I didn't get a free waking moment. Well, I guess I will have to find rest on a daily basis somewhere.

Pinecrest countdown: 1 week.

Time for sleep.

Adaptation

July 1, 2006

I knew that these past few weeks would teach me a lot about life…but I have learned and experienced more than I’d hoped and imagined.

Living without my possessions has been a gift. I have learned that what I actually need in life is very little; I only need a roof over my head, food, and a place to sleep. Now, my experience was far from bare essentials, but still I’ve learned a lot.

Not knowing where things are is huge… and learning that we don’t need our things, much less any things to survive life, nor to be happy in life. Now my reality is much more privileged than that of most, but it was still a fantastic exercise in abundance. I have beautiful things, but what does it matter if one has beautiful things, if we can’t go out and enjoy life?

My studio in Los Osos was perfect. I spent literally months making it a beautiful specimen inside and out, from the smallest to the largest detail… but what I’ve realized is that it becomes almost too much effort to maintain it’s existence. I would go home because I needed to clean, I wouldn’t go into town because I felt I didn’t have a handle on the cleanliness of the place, but what I needed to realize was that life was passing me by while I was obsessing about my home. Yes—a home is a sacred place… but all it really needs to be is a place to sleep and invite friends to enjoy too.

I’ve got a very new outlook on my new house with Chris… simplicity. We have amazing things, which means we should need very little. I didn’t even try to manipulate what he bought for our bathroom at Bed Bath and Beyond today… because really, I don’t care. I have all that I need to survive. My bed, some clothes, and Tay.

Ray is gone for a month. It’s been 2 days. I miss him already, but this is good for me. He’ll get fantastic surf with his two girls for a month, and I’ll fall into work and my body for a while.

I’ve discovered the key to losing weight. Eat light, feel light, be light. That’s that. If the body feels like it needs something heavy, ask it, why? To create a shield? To keep people out? To avoid love?

I’m sleeping tonight at Ray’s because the house today wasn’t ready for us to move into. With a single comforter, Tay on the floor, Guy on the Couch on the couch, and Vic and Ray gone, I will sleep peacefully.

This experience has taught me to be adaptable to my situation in life.

Bubble Town

Once again, it's been too long... I miss writing. There are a few posts which I wrote at home on my internet-less computer, which I will post at a later time. I started writing another newsletter as well.

My fascination lately has been with gym-goers. It is so amazing to me how many different kinds of people go to gyms, and even more amazing what routines they maintain. I will share some inspirational stories and characters at another time.

I've been talking about writing a book for a while, and I think this may be the time in my life to at least start it... even if nobody but my mom buys it, what an accomplishment! It's just an amazing place to live with such an interesting dynamic among its inhabitants.

So Ray has been in Mexico since late last month. I've heard from him twice, but life is different without him in my daily routine. This break has been good for me to find some clarity in that situation in particular, but also other situations. Chris is in Costa Rica for 2 weeks, leaving just Tay and I in the new home. It's coming along pretty well, but still SO much work to do!!!

Work is going well, I love my clients... and they're rockin' it! I've been kicking my own butt as well, which absolutly feels great. Anyway, back to work, just thought I'd check in.

Oh--pretty pictures of this last full moon coming too.

Busy Bee

My day is nearing an end, it's 5:15PM. I woke up this morning at 4:45 for a 5:30 client who set her alarm wrong and slept in. The last few days I've been working long hours... I can feel it hormonally, I can feel it emotionally, I can feel it in my energy levels.

The past few weeks have been fun for me, living with Betsy that is. She's been fun to hang out with, and her space is exceptionally comfortable and safe for me. It's been interesting living without most of my posessions... I have to say I've quite enjoyed it, even though I miss my beautiful things.

What else is going on... Tay got groomed today, Ray leaves in two days for Mexico, mom is coming down for some R&R, and Christa and Ben are coming to save my day by helping me move this weekend.

My dad is finally leaving Florida, after 5 weeks of caring for grandma and grandpa. I remember a much different version of them than I think they've become over the last few years. I think it's almost better to not have the visual in my head, but rather to remember the good times we shared when I was younger.

It seems I don't have time for much of anything but work anymore, but I feel like I'm in a good place here... my client base is growing, my clients love the results I'm helping them to achieve, and I'm having fun doing it. I only wish I had a little more time for myself in the grand scheme of things... but that will come in time I guess.

I'm almost done for the day... I can't wait to get to Betsy's and enjoy some fish tacos and wine. Her cooking has been incredible, and I think it's been fun for her to have someone so happy to eat and chill out. Tay's going to miss her lab Cooper too.

Transition, transition, transition... this year has been a good one thus far. The year of the dog... my year. I wonder what else I can create?

Update on Life

It's been a long time since I've written, at all. No journal, no blog, no newsletter. There has been a large shift in my life... in a few aspects.

Devin moved. I've known it was coming for quite some time, but it still didn't make it easier. He's not gone forever... I mean, he'll be in L.A. for the summer. Still, it's the absence of one of the most solid rocks in my life that leaves me unsettled.

On a lighter note, Larry turned 50! Mom put on a huge tropical extravaganza at the house with close to 70 people in attendance... it rocked. All the food was hand made organic vegan goodness, and BBQ chicken to compliment.

Work is going well, I'm still building my client base, finding that it's hard to fill my schedule completely and still have enough energy for each client. I won't do this job forever. I miss writing my newsletter, but have very little free time to spare.

A few random calls from The Musician threw me for a small loop, but all in all I'm feeling settled, grounded for once in a long while. I learned a lot about musicians, or showmen in general... bartenders can sometimes be thrown into this category, and cocktailing I can say I was too. They have 2 lives. The life of a performer and the normal human experience. When the performance side takes over the human side, there's trouble. The extra attention can be misleading and frustrating but also constructive and uplifting.

Anyway, I told The Musician that I can't listen to his work anymore... not because it's bad, it's all actually stellar, but because it wasn't the person I knew. I wanted to believe his words, but they were nothing but stories and fantasy... not the normal human experience. Not reality. I think that's why he ran... I was too real.

Ray and I have gotten much closer. He's been everything to me lately. My #1 supporter, my best SLO friend. I'm so grateful for him. We can make a great time out of any situation, and also cope with some hard times too. He leaves for Mexico in a few weeks with his two girl friends. The absence of him and Devin will leave me a little lost to say the least, but I think in both cases the trips will help them both to refocus and grow.

I wonder when I will fly away from SLO.

New Digs

It's now Sunday evening. There's a BBQ brewing over on Peach Street, but I'm hesitating to leave Pismo.

It has been a LONG weekend. I started moving Thursday and just finished my last load this morning. It is so hard to leave my Los Osos dwelling behind, but so very good for me to get rid of the bad energy that's taken over that house. I know that I'm responsible for much of that energy, or maybe things just became stale for me, nevertheless, I feel great being away from it. I'm setting new intentions for myself and my life here in SLO town.

I watch the same people night after night doing the same things... drinking, roaming, beaching, or working their asses off for little pay. Something about this town screams at the twenty-somethings to GET OUT! We train some of the best learn-by-doing people in the state, but then don't hesitate to kick them to the curb. I must say I even participate in this attitude... around this time of year, I'm stoked b/c the students leave for the summer. I always stayed (with the exception of one year) and it's been an epic time each summer.

So it's apparent to me that this blog has become more of a personal outlet for the past few months. My intentions for it were that of a wellness outlet, where people could look for health tips and training devices. For those of you who continue to read, thank you. I promise The Art of Balance will return soon, and wellness will be once again part of my written life.

Fly

I sit here, it's Thursday night. I decided today that tomorrow I leave Los Osos. It's become too toxic here for me. I bought coffee and a tasty treat to spike my energy level a few hours ago... I see now why Larry is so efficient :)

I realize that lately my writing, my attitude, my being, have all been stunted, confused, tainted by life. I am by no means a victim. I caused everything that is happening in my life. I created my life, I shaped it into what it's become. I need to get out of here. Betsy has been kind enough to lend me her spare bedroom for a few weeks until the new house is ready. I just need to get out.

Kristen is in town, hanging out with Ray at Frog and Peach. It's been almost a year since she left and since we've spoken. It's been one of the things I have grieved most in my life. Having a roommate and close friend disappear was absolutly devastating. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

So my things are grouped together in boxes... plants in one corner, clothes here, pillows there... it's all being prepared for the journey ahead. With these next few moves come new intentions, a new life for me and my little dog Tay. My castle is falling apart, the beauty I've created here must migrate elsewhere. It's a shame.

Devin leaves in a few weeks. I can't say this is going to be easy for me... but even harder for him. He's starting a brand new life half way across the world, with people who know nothing of his past, only what he decides they need to know. A clean breath of air, a blank canvas. It would be nice.

Soul Elation

He stood behind me.
Waiting and watching.
His nerves jumping.
I turned and saw him.

Where did he come from?
Was I dreaming?
Was he alone?

I gasped.
There he was,
He received me.
I felt his warmth again.
Why had he been away so long?

We played in the dirt in anticipation of Spring.
Rescued jellyfish in the muddy bay.
Planned a tree tour of the local beauties.
And had my favorite meal.

It was perfect.
I could not have asked for more.
And then he was gone.
Like lingering bells in the distance.

The intensity is greater with him than with any other.

And I tell myself:

This is how I satisfy my soul.

Stalled and Transplanting

I've been slowed down. I always run... rain, shine, tired, hung over. Running is my outlet, my saving grace, my piece of mind. I can't run for a while, while I wait for the knee to heal. Only one bout of cardio in 5 days makes for a grumpy girl. I've been walking around on it for work, and I can last a few hours before it's screaming at me. So RICE is my prescription. Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.

On a lighter note, Chris and I found a place to live on Murray Street. Murray Street is an interesting one, on one side of it there are college complexes and parties galore. On the other side of it, there are trees in the middle of the street with a side walk in between. That's the side we're on. It's one of my favorite strips in SLO. The house we are going to move into isn't beautiful, yet. With a little work, it will polish up real nice.

So, I guess I'm moving into SLO. We'll see how things turn out for me in town. I know I'll have a ton more time and less money spent on gas, with friends a bike ride away. All good things.

Booze and Sunshine

So it seems that all I needed was a little sunshine and sister time.

This weekend, Christa came down to help me. Stubborn as I am, if she would have told me that's why she was coming, I probably would have revolted. Anyway, so we found a ton of boxes, put much of my possessions in newspaper, and started this moving process along.

It was really a great weekend. I hung out with Christa until Sunday night when I met my neighbor Lonnie for a birthday drink. Well, it turned into a few more... and we ended up taking a cab back to Osos at about 3:30am. The next day with Lonnie, his wife Anna, son Kai and friend Keith, we headed up to Lake Nacimiento for some sunshine and booze. Just exactly what I needed. I didn't drink much, and spent most of the day in the lake playing. The water felt incredible.

I did however hurt myself on Sunday. Ray, Christa and I were sitting in my 6 person hammock and it snapped. The 10 foot 4x4 came down on my patella (knee cap). Since my knee caps were already cracked, I'm 90% sure it's broken... in fact I can feel the pieces. Anyway, it makes me professional life interesting. We'll see how I do. Today was hard.

It felt so good to just let myself relax in the sunshine this weekend. I still don't have a definite plan of where to live. I have a small plan however. It may just be time to dig up my roots here. We'll see.

Lunatics

Strangely enough, after I wrote 'Idle' last night, I checked the phase of the moon online. For the past 3 or so years, I have always had a moon chart or two around the house, and now I don't. The point is, I used to know where I was in the lunar cycle every few days, and now, I only see what appears during the day or night. I still pay attention, but not as much.

Over the years, as I've paid attention, I notice a shift in my energy and the energy of those around me. It was really apparent when I worked in restaurants. What I've noticed is that with the waxing moon (when it's getting fuller) the mood lifts, almost in hope of what is to come. With the full moon, it's like the culmination of that good mood, all the good energy; the climax per say. After the full moon, the energy wanes or slowly drains away. And, like last night, when there's no moon, apparently it's hard to connect to the earth's energy at all.

There have been studies about the moon and how it causes lunacy in people. I wonder if that's why people are called lunatics? Ha. Probably.

So what was striking about last night is how I felt... on idle. Like I had no feeling, no emotion, no opinion, no drive. Right after I wrote, I checked my favorite moon website... absolutely no moon. 0.0% illumination! It confirmed how much I'm connected to the supernatural.

Is it better to know? Well, I feel more justified in my idle attitude, but if I'd never made that connection to the lunar cycle, would it still have the same crazy pull on me? I think yes.

If you're curious what the moon was doing when you were born, check this website and enter your birthday. And, just if you were curious about me, yes, I was born on a full moon. Go figure.

Oh, and for good measure, a picture of our favorite Lunatic, and yes, she's peeing in the lake :O)

Idle

First thing, let me clarify: #4 sell photos online, does not mean sell photos of myself. I understand that seems ambiguous, but it's rather to sell photos that I've taken, online.

Ok, so the search continues. I think the hardest thing is that I have no idea what I'm looking for. I love my job, but I make pennies. I love where I live, but it's expensive as hell. Is it worth living in this beautiful, clean-aired, magnificent coastal land?

There are so many possibilities, so many options, so many decisions... and just me to make all of them. Frankly, it's terrifying... it's overwhelming... it's driving me insane. So what have I been doing? Spending as much time as I can in the beautiful studio I've created, and trying not to be too bitter about what will happen to it when I leave. I've been hiding from anything that will make me feel better about life, about indecision, about it all. It seems counter productive--yes, but it's all I have left in me to do. I just need to retreat for a while and think... but it seems thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I wish there was some kind of certainty in my life, something stable, something to stand on. But until then, I'll float around and dream. I'll dream of the day when I can EZpay my bills online, when I can know how much I'll make at the end of the month, and when the company I work for insures me and pays me a decent wage!

Pennies

I'm frustrated... still.

I'm broke. I made $580 in two weeks. Two weeks of getting up at 4:30am, two weeks of frequent 12 hour days. My rent is $625. In less than two weeks, I have no place to live.

So here are my options:

1. Get a new job.
2. Keep my current job and get another job.
3. Move away.
4. Sell photos online.
5. Start a kids program.

I can't believe how incredibly hard I've been working for such little pay, with a college degree! Chris and I just looked at the job listings in the paper for a better opportunity... a Wine Club Manager was the only appealing job.

I think my best resources right now are my clients... the business owners, the web designers... surely they must see potential in me.

I was on the verge of tears all day after getting my paycheck. It's just not right. I don't even make half of the personal training rates the club charges... not even half. That in combo with the commute is leaving me with a bad headache and knots in my stomach.

In the meantime, it's the time of year for parties... bdays, wine festivals, beer fest, blues fest, coworkers leaving... all which requires money. At least I have a good excuse for staying in as often as I do.

When does it get easier?