An Update on Life

It has been so long since I've last written. Life is busy, work is grueling... sleep is not consistent.

Yesterday my hammock came in the mail. I have longed for a hammock for so long and finally endulged in a great sale. I hypothesize that it's the swinging motion that we see in therapy. To my surprise, the stand didn't come with the necessary wood to be constructed. Home Depot here I come... but there's no way I can fit a ten foot piece of wood in my car. Surf rack? Besides the hammock, I also purchased two hanging chairs for the front yard. As I was putting them together this morning I knocked myself in the face with one of the wooden rods. Idiot! I never saw it coming, but now I sit here with my face throbbing. Deep breaths.

Both jobs are fun at the moment, but I'm tired. I often tell customers that working at Black Sheep is my job security. Serving fatty fried foods and cocktails makes for a promising personal training business, right? I toxify others (and myself sometimes) and then detoxify the next day.

Working downtown is completely overwhelming. It is a great time, yes. But, the amount of male attention a 22-year-old single female gets working in a bar is enormous! The bartenders are so good about making sure I'm being treated respectfully and don't hesitate to kick assholes to the curb.

I haven't practiced Ashtanga in weeks. I know I need it. I know it would make everything feel more balanced, but I can't get myself to my mat. Perhaps it's that I don't have a sacred place to practice without 1,000 distractions... or that I can't stop myself from running and get frustrated by my tight hip flexors? Today I will practice... after I run :)

I miss my Frustrating Friend, but his insults sting hard. I have to draw back upon 'Love is Letting Go of Fear' and recognize that he is too scared to love me. It could be so perfect... and I'm having a hard time walking away, but I also have to know my worth... especially because he doesn't seem to see it. The beautiful music I have listened to with him has now turned bitter sweet.

If I could only be swept off my feet like I was with Joe. I had no choice but to love him... we fell together. It's a good thing I have my boy Tay.

Pouring

When it rains, it pours!

It seems like just a month or so ago I was struggling to find consistent work. Now, it seems like work is being thrown my way.

Thank you all for reading and enjoying my dance through life. It truely is a gift to hear such positive feedback. The next newletter is coming soon... but life is busy!

Conditional People

When I was at a street fair in Sweden this May, I bought a beautiful piece of fabric with this written on it:

Strive to always do what is right--not in the eyes of others, but in your own heart.
Others' thoughts are transitory--one moment they will love you, the next they will not.
Act on what is right in your own heart, and there will be victory.

I've thought a lot about what it says, as it hangs on the wall in my livingroom. I've felt the wrath of this saying before... lost love, broken heart. 'Forever never seems to be around in the end.' I never thought I'd be relating this saying to my friends, because in my heart love is unconditional... especially between friends.

I guess it's better to know than not to know if someone will not be there to support you in struggles and in victories. For me, I can't stop loving people. If I've deemed someone a worthy person in their entirety, I can't just write them off. No, I can't burn bridges... much less blow bridges up, without spending a lot of time with that person on my mind... grieving the loss.

Does this quality of unconditional love only apply to family and the closest of friends? I hate to look at everyone with a cautious eye, but it seems to be the reality of the situation. Knowing I am an unconditional person, perhaps I need only to surround myself with the same kind. It is the worst feeling in the world thinking that you may be good enough for someone one day, and the next you are no longer worthy of even words. It justifies insecurities. I wish that upon no one.

Pacific Grove Triathlon

This weekend was the PG Triathlon. I drove up to surprise my sister for her birthday. The race was beautiful as always. It was a bit cloudy in the mornings, but cool sunny race weather. I was one of two spectators for our bunch that day, but spent most of the day wandering around myself. I ran into Laura Miller from TriCal 1st thing in the morning who snuck me a VIP pass--which allowed me to get the best camera positions. Watching four people race meant me running around for about five hours chasing times when I thought they might appear.

The announcer was loud, actually there were two and wherever I was, the sound followed. This doesn't seem like a big deal, but for a highly sensitive person like myself, I freaked out a little. So many people, so much energy, so much noise!

So... I used my VIP pass to get a free ocean front lunch. Ahhh. It was a nice breather. I was exhausted from my day of being a fan... and I wasn't even the best fan. I missed all but one finish, and passed out before any of the racers did. I don't know how I ever did these things.

It did make me think of Wildflower this year and how much fun it was. Such a badass group of supporters, great uncomplicated company from the Frustrating Friend. I do miss him... but not his complications. I do wonder if he can break his patterns in dating... and if I can do the same? I guess the world may never know.

Food: Pleasure or Purpose?

As I was running on the beach in the bay last week, doing my regular mental cleansing, a question popped to mind... do I eat for pleasure or purpose?

For years people have made fun of my diet. I've been called weird, hippy, vegan, and accused of wearing patchouli. No--I don't wear patchouli nor will I ever consider it! I don't really care what other people think of my diet, but I wonder, if I was eating more pleasurable foods, would I need less of them to satisfy me?

I suppose you'd need to understand my diet: tons of veggies, sprouted whole grains, fish, almond butter, beans, tofu... dairy is substituted most often for soy cheese and soy sour cream, lots of garlic and ginger & olive oil.

I wonder now, is it quantity or quality that satisfies more? I know I can be mentally thrilled with a piece of chocolate, but hungry for nutrient dense calories afterwards. I suppose my answer is: a balance. Many foods that repulse others are fantastic to me: eggless tofu salad, brocolli and spinach all the time, flax seed oils, sprouted spelt bread... the list continues. BUT, I know sourdough bread is delicious. I know sugar, fried food, simple carbs are delicious. I also know how I feel afterwards: bloated with a headache, but endulged.

I suppose some people are used to living with headaches. So much of the world is currently dehydrated and doesn't even know it! So if I were to tune out to my body, eat simple-refined sugars and not be able to tell the difference, perhaps I'd get more pleasure out of food?

My conclusion: food is an investment in our bodies. From the moment we consume it, to how it feels digesting and hour later, or half a day later. The pleasure may not appear right at consumption, but pleasure in the reaction of our bodies is abundant.

I guess that is what the 80-20 rule is for: eat good-for-you-foods 80% of the time, and 20% of the time--endulge.

A Life Without Structure

For five years I've longed for a life without school; a life of sleeping in, casual breakfasts, and easy times. This dream seems to be coming true, but with one catch: my productivity is stifled! A life without the structure and deadlines of school has left me floating about without direction. Of course there are little motivators here and there to keep me oriented, but no true goals.

Goal setting is something I help my clients to achieve. Deciding where someone wants to be physically is quite different than how a person wants to structure life. Maybe there is such a thing as a structure coach?

Next in line for me is more certifications! The only catch is the financial catch... yoga certifications are a few grand, cycling and pilates are at least a few hundred... and there aren't really certifications offered in my little central coast area. Time to travel, or get creative.

I've always known how much I despised structure, but have never really appreciated my reliance on it's consistency.

Tay Tay

Today I had one of the best massages to date. No offense Christa... it definately lacked the spiritual connection that your massages have, but my oh my did it feel good.

I've needed one for about a week now, but the Big Woman in the back house convinced me to wait until her arm was healed. Since I'm mildly frightened by her strong personality anyway, I opted for use of the phone book. I haven't found a consistently good therapist in the area. Some good trades, but it's like pulling teeth to get people in for workouts.

Due to my undying addiction to running and a few days of heavy lunges, my ass needed to be rubbed! Anyway, I woke up feeling like a stiff blob... and now I feel like it's all been pushed around a bit. Now, at 2:05p.m. I can start my day :)

Today is my last final at Cal Poly. An odd feeling because I've spent so much time there over the past 5 years. It's finally over. Now I can sleep all night long without worries of due dates and exams!

So much has changed since I arrived as a scared 17 year old. So many of my friends have moved on and/or hitched up.

It feels so good just to float for a while. I have the time to do the things I want to do, and think about what it is that I want from life. I'm alone, yes... but when you have the best dog in the world, are you ever really alone?