In life there is pleasure and pain... all I can hope for is to find a balance amongst it.  

Almost There

It seems like most of my posts lately have read something about work... or how tired I've been. Well, ladies and gentleman, the train stops here. I have 5 days straight to work, off to NYC, and then... my floor shifts are (by request) almost cut in half! Hooray!

So once this happens, the search for consistent clients becomes more intense. The more consistent clients I get, the more money I make, the easier my life becomes. This is the goal... but I still find myself giving away training sessions just because I feel an obligation to not keep important information from people I know could really use it. It's what I'd hope someone would do for me. Anyway, I feel that it will all come back to me. It is frustrating getting my paycheck for 2 weeks in the amount I'd make in 5 nights of serving cocktails or 2-3 nights bartending. That sucks... but I feel good about what I do, I'm healthier, and I sleep better at night. Maybe I just need to get my clients drunk before I bill them?

I had a great swim today. I called almost everyone who I know swims in town, but everyone was busy with other obligations. So, I decided to swim alone... it was better that way I figured because I tend to swim more without the distraction of another person.

I was sitting in the spa warming up listening to the swim instructor, Linda, talk about strokes, triathlon, and random swim facts to the other members. I slipped into the only lane free, but noticed it was reserved for class. I told Linda to kick me out once she needed it. She told me that she didn't expect many people to show, so I was OK.

A few laps later, she stopped me and asked if I wanted to join her Masters class. I thought to myself, why the hell not? There was a cute visiting assistant that I found motivational as well. I have mostly been swimming freestyle for as long as I can remember, with the occasional butterfly, and most of this workout was IM type stuff, in a 50 meter pool mind you. So I struggled through the 50 fly sets, but everything else was fine. After 1 1/2 hours I was pooped! Quite the motivation it was... and having 2 people correct my strokes was helpful. But, my momma taught me well. Thinking back, I can only remember being coached by someone other than her when I was about 10. Apparently I am a decent stroker... who knew?

So I'm excited about the things to come... travel, less hours working, but still frustrated with finances. It is such an expensive place to live! My studio is nearly perfected however... I feel really good about my home and the warmth it brings me. Oh, and Ryan is finally home. We've got a full house, two gals, two guys, and two pups. The sexes are balanced as of now, but when Luna leaves the males outnumber the females... not a household I'm used to! Good times in Los Osos.

Burning Candles

I've been burning the candle at both ends. Today is another long day... 5:30am to 10pm with a few breaks, but none the less, my adrenals are flowing all day long. I'm tired, I'm hypersensitive to light, sound, people.

I feel like on my breaks I'm never allowed to truly relax. There is always something else to be doing. I suppose most people with full time jobs feel the same way, but they probably make a whole lot more money than I do. I'm not making very much at all. That part is frustrating.

So I sit here in the lobby at work, planning an escape for a few hours. I just feel like I want to cry... a breakdown to make me feel strong again or something. It could be a whole lot worse.

I've decided to love Luna, and she's been better. The weekend was good for her. I was home both days and able to take them both out a few times each day. I think it really made her feel good to know someone was there.

Ok, a walk or something. I'm going crazy.

Going the Distance

It's raining again, and I'm getting pretty excited about Spring coming! I had an early morning this morning--up at 5:45am, but much better than the 4:30am gig I pull on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This week I have really felt alive; I started my long distance cardio again. I've had a few good 5-6 mile runs, a 2700 meter swim, ran from Kennedy 2.5 miles to the base of Madonna where I ran up and down the mountain and then 2.5 miles back to work... 1 hour and 38 minutes, tried my first African Dance class, had another few runs and swims... I feel great.

I still haven't gotten myself on my road bike. I've been out on my cruizin' bike quite a bit putzing around Los Osos, but that's about it. The dirt and sand are quite fun to bounce around on, even without shocks.

The full moon was a little crazy, but surprisingly enough not for me... I hid. I was at work of course, where I ran into the usual crazies, but nothing extraordinary. At a local Denny's (about 15 miles from my home) we had a random act of violence. A homeless man walked in with two semi-automatics and shot a bunch of people, killing 3 and injuring a few more, then killed himself. Crazy.

I miss lifting weights. I may get in a short session today, but long cardio has been working wonders for my spirit!

Luna goes home this weekend. I can't take it anymore. She has been chewing, whining, waking the neighbors, slept on my new couche last night leaving her fur behind, and chewed my wallet this morning. I'm over it. No mas Luna. She means well, but I need my sanity back... at least as much as I've had lately.

Soon to Sprout Green

I've been trying to write for a few days now. The hail is coming down outside my studio, making big blobs of what appears to be ice. The rain brings such a dreary undertone to life... but also hope to what lives outside. Hope that some day the hills will turn as green as they have before, even if it is only two beautiful weeks.

Since I arrived here almost 6 years ago, I've dreamt of photographing the Spring green. Each year I leave town right around that time and casually think it will hang around until I get back. Never happens. There have been magical moments that I have captured on film, or more currently digitally, but none like that 2 weeks in Spring.

So as the rain pours, I think about the water soaking in and nourishing the ground and its inhabitants, for soon the rolling California hills will grow again, and this year I won't allow myself to miss it. It's just too angelic.

Luna is not driving me that crazy anymore. She's still insane, yes, but she is ok. If she were a human, she'd definately be diagnosed with a few disorders... hyperactivity, high anxiety... what else... mom?

But she means well. I slept on the couch last night in the main house. As soon as I got home from work about 8:30pm, I watched 3 minutes of the fashion police from the Academy Awards, and passed out. I had to see what the designers are creating for the red carpet, and what the fashionistas are saying about them and those who wear their pieces. Mira woke me up for a foggy conversation around 11pm, and I decided to just stay warm sleeping and deal with the aching hips in the morning. That futon has seen some long days and long nights.

Today is one of those days I wish I could just eat soup and read... or swim, or run, or anything other than work. But a-working I shall go... spreading the knowledge to the general public... changing lives by changing bodies... helping people to find their internal motivation by using my external tactics... tazers, whips... I mean jump ropes, free weights, treadmills...

Strength

I feel like I'm going to snap. All day I am training people, helping anyone with whatever they need, and I get home to two dogs who need my undivided attention. So I play ball, I take them for walks, and it's still not enough to calm Luna down. She still itches, she still paces, she still whines.

So I calm myself in a bubble bath. She pries the door open to investigate what I'm doing... for the love dog! Can't a girl get a little peace? I'm washing their beds, and of course Luna decides to chew Taylor's bed. Good girl Luna. Spill the box of nails over while you're at it.

It wouldn't be such an issue if I had more time, but my day tomorrow starts at 5am and ends at 10pm... no breaks. That's 17 hours straight of training, watching the baby, teaching and instructing... I hope I can con someone into loving these dogs for me. They are great dogs, really... just a lot of work. And poor Tay misses his alone time with me.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

A Day Off

Work has been busy, and all I've wanted to do is write. My days lately have been 4:30am wake and 9pm sleep... if I'm lucky. I'm building my client base at Kennedy in the mornings (starting at 5:30am) and have floor shifts afternoons and evenings, sometimes until 10pm. In combo with that, I'm still watching baby Tristam a few days per week and helping to build an afterschool enrichment program with Karla.

Today was my first day off in what seems like weeks. I swept, I mopped, I scrubbed, I watered my plants. I took care of only ME today (well, and two dogs) and it felt great.

Luna is a little crazy for my liking. Tay Tay doesn't get as much attention as he used to with her around. I think he's happier having her to play with during the day, but not so much when people are present. He is used to NEVER being outside, and now he's outside for the majority of the day. Not too pleased with that. She is sweet though, an anxious kind of sweet. However, she sends almost an intense wave of anxiety directly to my head when she paces and cries.

There isn't anything I enjoy more than seeing the two of them play in the ocean together... it makes it all worth it. I do wish I had a little more free time to dedicate to the beach/dog cause.

This week we start teaching the enrichment program... it's one day per week for ten weeks. It should be a good experience.

I love love my place here. I have two dogs on my bed, (only because theirs are too dirty to put on my clean floor) I'm surrounded by plants and art and music. I love my freedom, I love my friends and my work makes me feel good.

I am learning so much about myself, where I want my career to lead, about life, about love, about fear and doubts... each day I learn, I read, I speak, I teach.

I've been listening to this recording every morning for about a month now... his name is Dr. Rob Gilbert. He records a new message every day with inspiring thoughts and stories. I'm hooked. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this to call him everyday for a week... he'll change your life. His number is: 973-743-4690. He's a professor somewhere on the east coast. Not sure the specifics.

Now I will sleep and back to work tomorrow... hopefully I will have some time to write a newsletter in the next couple of days. I've been doing all kinds of research lately, so much to write about... I love it.