Hoppy New Year

So today is New Years Eve... and I'm still acting like the Grinch. I just don't think I'm a holiday person. Tahoe was a great time, but the snow could have been better. Mom has a second degree sprain in her MCL, so that was a bummer not to haver her "happy ass" out on the slopes.

It's December, the moon is getting full... I'm not AS confused as I once was, but rather looking for opportunity in all my madness. I know there's a lesson in all of this. I know there is a reason for all of this.

I go back to work on Tuesday, and that is going to be quite the reality shock. Back to the vibrating box, urgh. I love what I do, but I may be bored, or overstimulated, or something. I'm seeking something that I'm not sure exists in SLO... maybe I travel for a while and then take on a new position somewhere. My club is opening a new facility in Paso, 30 minutes north. That'd be a commute, but something new to do... or rather somewhere new to do it in. HMMM. The more I think, the more I realize that it's all in my control. It's all a choice.

My New Year's Resolutions:

1. I'm now VEGAN... wish me luck.

2. Live simply.

3. Not work so many hours in the day so that I can't PLAY with Ray and Tay.

Amy takes off for Africa on Wednesday... and I'm so excited for her. She's going to South Africa to work in an orphanage with AIDS babies. She'll be gone for 3 months. People can be so brave and so selfless, I'm so proud of her... I just hope she comes back :O)

So now Tay, Cooper and I are chillin' out. Who knows if I'll actually make it somewhere for midnight, I'm sort of a 9pm bed goer. We'll see.

Crisis Means Opportunity

Holy cow it's been a long time! Let's see if I can bring it all up to speed quickly...

I had a birthday, threw a great party, got the 30-day notice from my landlord, had tofurkey, car trouble, holiday party with too much tequila, and here we are today... I got two thrilling things!!!

1. A post office box that is adorable. They gave me #68, not 1000 and something, but 68, one of the originals!

2. A storage unit! This will inevitably be the cheapest rent EVER.

So there was my life in a nutshell. I'm pulling up my roots and moving back in with Betsy for a while. I have a few places I can go, and if those don't work, I may head back to the hub. I may have tapped out my opportunities in SLO. That's a reality I'm coming to terms with.

I'm not feeling very festive with so much preoccupation, but the fear and stress has finally lifted. I think I bottomed out last week, and now I just have to make lemonade out of lemons.

The one thing I keep thinking about is what my mom said a few days ago.

CRISIS MEANS OPPORTUNITY.

I don't want to lose steam at 24, I have to keep climbing.

Just One Day

I've written twice since the last full moon. Twice. Writing used to be my outlet, but at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen, or even put any energy out that doesn't directly enhance my quality of life.

I've had a hard time keeping up lately. I don't think I've had a real day off in over a month. Between pilates, wedding, pilates, Florida, birthdays, etc., I haven't seen much of myself lately.

I can't even keep my eyes open...

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but the crazy thing is that a lot of people continuously live life like this. Lame.

Creation

It's Tuesday. I've seen 3 clients already, and now I await my pre-noon hike. Work is great, I'm extrememely busy with my own clients and also doing admin work. I really can't complain except that more people want my time than I have time to give. I know, it's a hard life.

So I've put together, by necessity really, some stretches for peoples hips and low back. I guess I've experimented until I've found a combination that jives particularly well.

Since stretching more clients, with some manual manipulation of muscles, and even sometimes bones... people are stoked. And think about it... if I saw a trainer doing a stretch on someone who looks to be in a trance, and they get up and walk more freely, no pain... I'd pay someone on the spot too.

So I don't want to push people away... what if I train other trainers to do this sort of thing. BUT if done wrong, there's a potential for disaster.

HMMM. I think I'll just go do more yoga. That's truly where I feel best.

It feels like I'm creating a whole new realm of training.

Ram Bam Thank Ya Ma'am

There's no doubt in my mind that the moon is powerful. I've written before about how odd things happen, people from the past resurface, mental states are almost taken over by the earth's energy. It's the closest to people walking around like zombies I think we ever get on earth.

Here are two interesting moon posts:

Lunatics...
The Moon Cloud...

So I ran into Joe, of course the ram from my past... strangely enough it was 7am and I'd taken a wrong turn on my way to Big Sky to pick up breakfast for Ray and I. I didn't recognize him at first, but then stopped to say hi and meet his dog. I went into Big Sky, and 2 minutes later, he walked in after me. Weird. One of the servers still thought we were together, as she packed coffeecake in the same bag for us. Comedy.

This moon is a Taurus moon, or the moon of the ram. People for almost 5 days this time have literally been ramming into each other. At work, twice in one hour, two different people tried to steal a machine I was leaning on with a client... I'm talking setting down their towels and all, not asking. It's never happened like that once, but twice... in the same day?!

Ray and I saw a woman back into another lady at New Frontiers today, I pointed at her and screamed before it happened and she looked at me like I was crazy. Little did she know, she was on moon crack. We heard right after that that 2 minutes before, another accident happened in the same spot.

Whatever it is, there is strange, crazy energy in the world this week. Ram moon, harvest moon, start of Fall, whatever it may be, people are crazy!

I myself had a pretty insane weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I blamed it on 3+ hours Fri-Sun doing Pilates, but it was more than that. I cried for the first time in a long time, hard and uncontrollably. I thought Ray way going to freak. I'd warned him of my craziness, but he hadn't seen me like this. I also freaked out and thought there were people in my house when I was home alone.

Day after day, it just gets more twisted. I mean, I know Taurus' are intense, but who knew their moon would send waves crashing?

Budge

Expressing Everyday Gratitude. That's what one of my emails was titled today. My grandfather used to say, "The Attitude is Gratitude."

Am I showing enough gratitude in my life in its present state?

The past few weeks I have been in job transition... at least in my head. I've been approached about a few intriguing projects, that seem to have some potential. I've also been negotiating for more income in my current position. The first offer was about as laughable as what I was previously being paid... the second offer is not much better. The more I fight for what I feel I deserve, the more I question my own worth.

In my heart, I know that I'm a hard working, dedicated, motivated employee... but what happens when you're working for a company in the health field that runs on a business model? They've made money on a this business model... but also in the process provided a facility to assist in changing lives for the better.

In a world where compensation is not readily offered (at least in my experience thus far) how the hell does one make a decent living? Especially when the cost of living comes pretty close to your wages?

I'm trying really hard not to judge anyone else right now. I sometimes wish I could live Ray's life... working 2 nights per week and playing 7 days per week. It's hard for me to give my all to all my clients and then come home to someone who has experienced nothing of the like all day. He keeps me sane for the most part though.

Going back to the subject of work, I almost feel as though my education, skills and experience matter very little in the grand scheme of things... I'm replaceable. BUT, I have a following. I've made a lot of people very happy in the 9 months I've been there... and that is worth thousands a month to them... even though I'm not.

Seriously, what gives?



The moon is getting fuller.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Float

This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.

There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?

I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.

Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.

We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.

Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.

Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.

If all days glowed so bright...

I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.

I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.

I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.

I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.

"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...

I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.

Oh in dreams , colored roses..."

Itch the Bitch

Life is good.

Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.

He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.

I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.

Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.

It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.

Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.

On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!

Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.

Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)

Lost Cause

Today has been by far the strangest day in many moons. I woke up at 6:20 for my client at 6:30... not nearly enough time to think. I was only 5 minutes late, and seeing as it was my big shot lawyer, I felt pretty bad. Shit happens.

So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.

So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.

Some good news... hmmm...

I'll think about it.

Until then, some pictures to entertain.

Wandering Mind

Because life is hard.

Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.

When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?

Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?

How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?

What if we just aim to feel?

There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.

Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?

The Beauty of Breath

Breathe... not because it's cool, not because someone told you it would make things easier, but because it brings life. It makes the organs glow with positive white light. It brings sanity and sanctity and everything impossible becomes suddenly obtainable. Because it will change your past, your present, your future, your SELF... breathe.

Dipshit

So I'm pretty much a dipshit. I noticed this morning at Rite Aid that I'd lost my credit/debit card. I remembered seeing it at the Cakery (quite impossible actually) and couldn't find it since. After frantically calling around, I finally tried to login to B of A online. It wouldn't log me on! So I am creating a conspiracy theory in my head. Somebody has stolen my card, closed the account and fled the country!!!

So, I call the bank... and sure enough, like a dipshit, I left the damn thing in the ATM on Monday :0) I never cease to amaze myself.

In other entertaining news, I cut Ray a mullet today... and for those of you who don't remember Billy Ray Cyrus, here is what the mullet looks like:

or check out http://www.mulletmadness.com/.

Life is funny.

Fire

Yoga tonight was excellent. All day I thought about how much I had to do, and hoped that I'd be able to scurry over to Tridosha. I made it happen... I had to.

Even though now, at 8:30pm, I have 4 programs to write and 3 baskets of laundry to fold (why on earth does someone need so many clothes?) I made it.

I've been thinking quite hard about how to incorporate vacation as more of my daily routine. Vacationing just felt so good to my soul, there must be a way to do it more often... and maybe even get paid for it.

Pinecrest pictures turned out great, except for the fact that I'm a dipshit and deleted half the pictures... hopefully Ben and Larry can perform some kind of witch magic and make them reappear.

The days are dragging, and I'm longing for hammock naps and long love affairs with my book. I guess that's what dreams are for. Tonight in yoga, Alyson the instructor made the analogy of finding where the muscle burns and sitting in the fire. I guess maybe that's what I'll use to get me through life. Sit in the fire, for the future may be fruitful.

Wishing for Simplicity

Writing hasn't been a priority and I think this is why I'm getting grumpy. It's Friday, the Friday of my first week back to work. Hanging out in the wilderness was so cleansing, so rejuvenating, so good for my soul...

I try to incorporate all of these things in my everyday life each year after Pinecrest. Unfortunately, I was greeted by flashing lights, annoying music, gym rats, and tons of work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I've actually been making enough money to live off of! But, I miss the serenity of Pinecrest. I miss being able to sleep when I needed sleep, exercise when need be, and jump in a lake when the world is too hot or too overwhelming.

So, here I sit, in my house, sun setting... I have a good life. But, today, I let stress overcome me. I woke up frantic and late, made it to work for my 6am appointment, and back in bed by 7:15. I've created this idiotic cycle. I wake up after not getting enough sleep, so I nap mid morning. Well then when evening comes, I'm not tired because I've napped, therefore the cycle continues.

Chris brought home a puppy today; he's puppy-sitting... which is ok, but adding to my stress and anxiety. I just need to breathe. Inhale... exhale... but even that seems to complex for a night like tonight.

The good news is that I've committed to yoga again, and that feels great.

Family Fun Time!!!

Now is the day to pack. It's 10:19, I'm sitting in my robe... waiting to find my energy to get up and go.

Here may be a peak at what's to expect from the family :O)

(Tahoe, Sweden, and some reoccurring nightmare...)

Almost There!

3 days until Pinecrest!!! All year we anticipate, we plan, we prepare mentally and physically, we dream... and finally, it's almost time.

My clients this morning cancelled, which coincidentally gave me enough time to do laundry, workout and prepare myself for the next two weeks. I can't wait. I'm pretty much jittery with excitement.

Ray came home, not sure if I wrote about that yet. I can't believe how much I missed him... a month is a long time to not have your best bud around. So now two out of three are back in the country. Chris, back from Costa Rica, Ray is back from Mexico, but Betsy is still in Bermuda.

So today I am watering plants, listening to Etta James... just kind of floating around the house. Luckily this place stays pretty cool during the day.

Sandy and Dave move this weekend to the Bay Area, which is going to be weird. Sandy has been in my life since the days of Dan and Dave, Cyrus and Rufus. We've grown so much together and helped support eachother through many tough times. At least they'll be close to my family up there.

So, nothing really intelligent to write today... my mind is on vacation mode. Here's a picture of me and Tay when we travel :)

A Few Shots

What I've been shooting lately:

Soon Soon

I read 72 tonight, for the first time in a long time. D is in love. His words flow eloquently, as if he were writing the novel of his life.

I knew I could never be this woman to him, nor he that man to me, but it's still creepy. Most of me is just glad he gets to experience all that he is. Maybe all he needed was to break free of San Luis and its memories, restrictions, and one night stands turned sour.

I feel like for the past few years I've been looking at him knowing very well that this is who he could be, but it was too complicated... and we were just too good as friends.

All I know is that he's happy, and therefore so am I. I don't know that I need to meet her yet, and of this I think he's aware. Thank you for that D.

One Week

I willed something to happen the other day. I didn't even realize that I'd done it until I remembered a few days later.

It was a Sunday, I had the day off. I was cleaning, doing laundry, watering plants and such... when I stopped to think about a person who I didn't feel like I was done with. I put my intention into that relationship... I made a conscious effort to make my presence known in his world. I spent time nurturing the things that reminded me of him.

Two days later, he calls. I hadn't talked to him in quite some time.

I know how connected the universe is, and if we only stop briefly to recognize it, we can learn and gain so much.

Anyway...

I finally have internet at home!!! This means all ya'll that are waiting on pictures from me are more likely to receive now. This also means I can blog more and write more newsletters (no, I haven't given that up).

I haven't decided which email to use anymore. My new gmail is too long, but I'm liking gmail... but with my new internet connection, I have sbc email again too.

Maybe I will start a new gmail with a shorter name, but then there are 3 to remember, or perhaps just forward them on... I'm thinking too hard about it.

I got nothing done this weekend. From Friday night to tonight (Sunday) I didn't get a free waking moment. Well, I guess I will have to find rest on a daily basis somewhere.

Pinecrest countdown: 1 week.

Time for sleep.

Adaptation

July 1, 2006

I knew that these past few weeks would teach me a lot about life…but I have learned and experienced more than I’d hoped and imagined.

Living without my possessions has been a gift. I have learned that what I actually need in life is very little; I only need a roof over my head, food, and a place to sleep. Now, my experience was far from bare essentials, but still I’ve learned a lot.

Not knowing where things are is huge… and learning that we don’t need our things, much less any things to survive life, nor to be happy in life. Now my reality is much more privileged than that of most, but it was still a fantastic exercise in abundance. I have beautiful things, but what does it matter if one has beautiful things, if we can’t go out and enjoy life?

My studio in Los Osos was perfect. I spent literally months making it a beautiful specimen inside and out, from the smallest to the largest detail… but what I’ve realized is that it becomes almost too much effort to maintain it’s existence. I would go home because I needed to clean, I wouldn’t go into town because I felt I didn’t have a handle on the cleanliness of the place, but what I needed to realize was that life was passing me by while I was obsessing about my home. Yes—a home is a sacred place… but all it really needs to be is a place to sleep and invite friends to enjoy too.

I’ve got a very new outlook on my new house with Chris… simplicity. We have amazing things, which means we should need very little. I didn’t even try to manipulate what he bought for our bathroom at Bed Bath and Beyond today… because really, I don’t care. I have all that I need to survive. My bed, some clothes, and Tay.

Ray is gone for a month. It’s been 2 days. I miss him already, but this is good for me. He’ll get fantastic surf with his two girls for a month, and I’ll fall into work and my body for a while.

I’ve discovered the key to losing weight. Eat light, feel light, be light. That’s that. If the body feels like it needs something heavy, ask it, why? To create a shield? To keep people out? To avoid love?

I’m sleeping tonight at Ray’s because the house today wasn’t ready for us to move into. With a single comforter, Tay on the floor, Guy on the Couch on the couch, and Vic and Ray gone, I will sleep peacefully.

This experience has taught me to be adaptable to my situation in life.

Bubble Town

Once again, it's been too long... I miss writing. There are a few posts which I wrote at home on my internet-less computer, which I will post at a later time. I started writing another newsletter as well.

My fascination lately has been with gym-goers. It is so amazing to me how many different kinds of people go to gyms, and even more amazing what routines they maintain. I will share some inspirational stories and characters at another time.

I've been talking about writing a book for a while, and I think this may be the time in my life to at least start it... even if nobody but my mom buys it, what an accomplishment! It's just an amazing place to live with such an interesting dynamic among its inhabitants.

So Ray has been in Mexico since late last month. I've heard from him twice, but life is different without him in my daily routine. This break has been good for me to find some clarity in that situation in particular, but also other situations. Chris is in Costa Rica for 2 weeks, leaving just Tay and I in the new home. It's coming along pretty well, but still SO much work to do!!!

Work is going well, I love my clients... and they're rockin' it! I've been kicking my own butt as well, which absolutly feels great. Anyway, back to work, just thought I'd check in.

Oh--pretty pictures of this last full moon coming too.

Busy Bee

My day is nearing an end, it's 5:15PM. I woke up this morning at 4:45 for a 5:30 client who set her alarm wrong and slept in. The last few days I've been working long hours... I can feel it hormonally, I can feel it emotionally, I can feel it in my energy levels.

The past few weeks have been fun for me, living with Betsy that is. She's been fun to hang out with, and her space is exceptionally comfortable and safe for me. It's been interesting living without most of my posessions... I have to say I've quite enjoyed it, even though I miss my beautiful things.

What else is going on... Tay got groomed today, Ray leaves in two days for Mexico, mom is coming down for some R&R, and Christa and Ben are coming to save my day by helping me move this weekend.

My dad is finally leaving Florida, after 5 weeks of caring for grandma and grandpa. I remember a much different version of them than I think they've become over the last few years. I think it's almost better to not have the visual in my head, but rather to remember the good times we shared when I was younger.

It seems I don't have time for much of anything but work anymore, but I feel like I'm in a good place here... my client base is growing, my clients love the results I'm helping them to achieve, and I'm having fun doing it. I only wish I had a little more time for myself in the grand scheme of things... but that will come in time I guess.

I'm almost done for the day... I can't wait to get to Betsy's and enjoy some fish tacos and wine. Her cooking has been incredible, and I think it's been fun for her to have someone so happy to eat and chill out. Tay's going to miss her lab Cooper too.

Transition, transition, transition... this year has been a good one thus far. The year of the dog... my year. I wonder what else I can create?

Update on Life

It's been a long time since I've written, at all. No journal, no blog, no newsletter. There has been a large shift in my life... in a few aspects.

Devin moved. I've known it was coming for quite some time, but it still didn't make it easier. He's not gone forever... I mean, he'll be in L.A. for the summer. Still, it's the absence of one of the most solid rocks in my life that leaves me unsettled.

On a lighter note, Larry turned 50! Mom put on a huge tropical extravaganza at the house with close to 70 people in attendance... it rocked. All the food was hand made organic vegan goodness, and BBQ chicken to compliment.

Work is going well, I'm still building my client base, finding that it's hard to fill my schedule completely and still have enough energy for each client. I won't do this job forever. I miss writing my newsletter, but have very little free time to spare.

A few random calls from The Musician threw me for a small loop, but all in all I'm feeling settled, grounded for once in a long while. I learned a lot about musicians, or showmen in general... bartenders can sometimes be thrown into this category, and cocktailing I can say I was too. They have 2 lives. The life of a performer and the normal human experience. When the performance side takes over the human side, there's trouble. The extra attention can be misleading and frustrating but also constructive and uplifting.

Anyway, I told The Musician that I can't listen to his work anymore... not because it's bad, it's all actually stellar, but because it wasn't the person I knew. I wanted to believe his words, but they were nothing but stories and fantasy... not the normal human experience. Not reality. I think that's why he ran... I was too real.

Ray and I have gotten much closer. He's been everything to me lately. My #1 supporter, my best SLO friend. I'm so grateful for him. We can make a great time out of any situation, and also cope with some hard times too. He leaves for Mexico in a few weeks with his two girl friends. The absence of him and Devin will leave me a little lost to say the least, but I think in both cases the trips will help them both to refocus and grow.

I wonder when I will fly away from SLO.

New Digs

It's now Sunday evening. There's a BBQ brewing over on Peach Street, but I'm hesitating to leave Pismo.

It has been a LONG weekend. I started moving Thursday and just finished my last load this morning. It is so hard to leave my Los Osos dwelling behind, but so very good for me to get rid of the bad energy that's taken over that house. I know that I'm responsible for much of that energy, or maybe things just became stale for me, nevertheless, I feel great being away from it. I'm setting new intentions for myself and my life here in SLO town.

I watch the same people night after night doing the same things... drinking, roaming, beaching, or working their asses off for little pay. Something about this town screams at the twenty-somethings to GET OUT! We train some of the best learn-by-doing people in the state, but then don't hesitate to kick them to the curb. I must say I even participate in this attitude... around this time of year, I'm stoked b/c the students leave for the summer. I always stayed (with the exception of one year) and it's been an epic time each summer.

So it's apparent to me that this blog has become more of a personal outlet for the past few months. My intentions for it were that of a wellness outlet, where people could look for health tips and training devices. For those of you who continue to read, thank you. I promise The Art of Balance will return soon, and wellness will be once again part of my written life.

Fly

I sit here, it's Thursday night. I decided today that tomorrow I leave Los Osos. It's become too toxic here for me. I bought coffee and a tasty treat to spike my energy level a few hours ago... I see now why Larry is so efficient :)

I realize that lately my writing, my attitude, my being, have all been stunted, confused, tainted by life. I am by no means a victim. I caused everything that is happening in my life. I created my life, I shaped it into what it's become. I need to get out of here. Betsy has been kind enough to lend me her spare bedroom for a few weeks until the new house is ready. I just need to get out.

Kristen is in town, hanging out with Ray at Frog and Peach. It's been almost a year since she left and since we've spoken. It's been one of the things I have grieved most in my life. Having a roommate and close friend disappear was absolutly devastating. I guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

So my things are grouped together in boxes... plants in one corner, clothes here, pillows there... it's all being prepared for the journey ahead. With these next few moves come new intentions, a new life for me and my little dog Tay. My castle is falling apart, the beauty I've created here must migrate elsewhere. It's a shame.

Devin leaves in a few weeks. I can't say this is going to be easy for me... but even harder for him. He's starting a brand new life half way across the world, with people who know nothing of his past, only what he decides they need to know. A clean breath of air, a blank canvas. It would be nice.

Soul Elation

He stood behind me.
Waiting and watching.
His nerves jumping.
I turned and saw him.

Where did he come from?
Was I dreaming?
Was he alone?

I gasped.
There he was,
He received me.
I felt his warmth again.
Why had he been away so long?

We played in the dirt in anticipation of Spring.
Rescued jellyfish in the muddy bay.
Planned a tree tour of the local beauties.
And had my favorite meal.

It was perfect.
I could not have asked for more.
And then he was gone.
Like lingering bells in the distance.

The intensity is greater with him than with any other.

And I tell myself:

This is how I satisfy my soul.

Stalled and Transplanting

I've been slowed down. I always run... rain, shine, tired, hung over. Running is my outlet, my saving grace, my piece of mind. I can't run for a while, while I wait for the knee to heal. Only one bout of cardio in 5 days makes for a grumpy girl. I've been walking around on it for work, and I can last a few hours before it's screaming at me. So RICE is my prescription. Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.

On a lighter note, Chris and I found a place to live on Murray Street. Murray Street is an interesting one, on one side of it there are college complexes and parties galore. On the other side of it, there are trees in the middle of the street with a side walk in between. That's the side we're on. It's one of my favorite strips in SLO. The house we are going to move into isn't beautiful, yet. With a little work, it will polish up real nice.

So, I guess I'm moving into SLO. We'll see how things turn out for me in town. I know I'll have a ton more time and less money spent on gas, with friends a bike ride away. All good things.

Booze and Sunshine

So it seems that all I needed was a little sunshine and sister time.

This weekend, Christa came down to help me. Stubborn as I am, if she would have told me that's why she was coming, I probably would have revolted. Anyway, so we found a ton of boxes, put much of my possessions in newspaper, and started this moving process along.

It was really a great weekend. I hung out with Christa until Sunday night when I met my neighbor Lonnie for a birthday drink. Well, it turned into a few more... and we ended up taking a cab back to Osos at about 3:30am. The next day with Lonnie, his wife Anna, son Kai and friend Keith, we headed up to Lake Nacimiento for some sunshine and booze. Just exactly what I needed. I didn't drink much, and spent most of the day in the lake playing. The water felt incredible.

I did however hurt myself on Sunday. Ray, Christa and I were sitting in my 6 person hammock and it snapped. The 10 foot 4x4 came down on my patella (knee cap). Since my knee caps were already cracked, I'm 90% sure it's broken... in fact I can feel the pieces. Anyway, it makes me professional life interesting. We'll see how I do. Today was hard.

It felt so good to just let myself relax in the sunshine this weekend. I still don't have a definite plan of where to live. I have a small plan however. It may just be time to dig up my roots here. We'll see.

Lunatics

Strangely enough, after I wrote 'Idle' last night, I checked the phase of the moon online. For the past 3 or so years, I have always had a moon chart or two around the house, and now I don't. The point is, I used to know where I was in the lunar cycle every few days, and now, I only see what appears during the day or night. I still pay attention, but not as much.

Over the years, as I've paid attention, I notice a shift in my energy and the energy of those around me. It was really apparent when I worked in restaurants. What I've noticed is that with the waxing moon (when it's getting fuller) the mood lifts, almost in hope of what is to come. With the full moon, it's like the culmination of that good mood, all the good energy; the climax per say. After the full moon, the energy wanes or slowly drains away. And, like last night, when there's no moon, apparently it's hard to connect to the earth's energy at all.

There have been studies about the moon and how it causes lunacy in people. I wonder if that's why people are called lunatics? Ha. Probably.

So what was striking about last night is how I felt... on idle. Like I had no feeling, no emotion, no opinion, no drive. Right after I wrote, I checked my favorite moon website... absolutely no moon. 0.0% illumination! It confirmed how much I'm connected to the supernatural.

Is it better to know? Well, I feel more justified in my idle attitude, but if I'd never made that connection to the lunar cycle, would it still have the same crazy pull on me? I think yes.

If you're curious what the moon was doing when you were born, check this website and enter your birthday. And, just if you were curious about me, yes, I was born on a full moon. Go figure.

Oh, and for good measure, a picture of our favorite Lunatic, and yes, she's peeing in the lake :O)

Idle

First thing, let me clarify: #4 sell photos online, does not mean sell photos of myself. I understand that seems ambiguous, but it's rather to sell photos that I've taken, online.

Ok, so the search continues. I think the hardest thing is that I have no idea what I'm looking for. I love my job, but I make pennies. I love where I live, but it's expensive as hell. Is it worth living in this beautiful, clean-aired, magnificent coastal land?

There are so many possibilities, so many options, so many decisions... and just me to make all of them. Frankly, it's terrifying... it's overwhelming... it's driving me insane. So what have I been doing? Spending as much time as I can in the beautiful studio I've created, and trying not to be too bitter about what will happen to it when I leave. I've been hiding from anything that will make me feel better about life, about indecision, about it all. It seems counter productive--yes, but it's all I have left in me to do. I just need to retreat for a while and think... but it seems thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I wish there was some kind of certainty in my life, something stable, something to stand on. But until then, I'll float around and dream. I'll dream of the day when I can EZpay my bills online, when I can know how much I'll make at the end of the month, and when the company I work for insures me and pays me a decent wage!

Pennies

I'm frustrated... still.

I'm broke. I made $580 in two weeks. Two weeks of getting up at 4:30am, two weeks of frequent 12 hour days. My rent is $625. In less than two weeks, I have no place to live.

So here are my options:

1. Get a new job.
2. Keep my current job and get another job.
3. Move away.
4. Sell photos online.
5. Start a kids program.

I can't believe how incredibly hard I've been working for such little pay, with a college degree! Chris and I just looked at the job listings in the paper for a better opportunity... a Wine Club Manager was the only appealing job.

I think my best resources right now are my clients... the business owners, the web designers... surely they must see potential in me.

I was on the verge of tears all day after getting my paycheck. It's just not right. I don't even make half of the personal training rates the club charges... not even half. That in combo with the commute is leaving me with a bad headache and knots in my stomach.

In the meantime, it's the time of year for parties... bdays, wine festivals, beer fest, blues fest, coworkers leaving... all which requires money. At least I have a good excuse for staying in as often as I do.

When does it get easier?

Glass

I long for the days of endless sun, when I'd turn my phone off and day dream. He'd spend hours searching for me, knowing the general area I would bask in the light of day. The surprise of seeing my love find my lounging body in the middle of nowhere was blissful.

I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but I knew he loved me. He loved every ounce of who I was, and what I represented. I could do no wrong. In his eyes, there was no other woman on earth.

We'd spend late nights drinking fabulous bottles of wine, staring into the eyes reflecting our own beauty. A truely disfunctional pairing it was, looking back... and I think I always knew it, but knowing his love, made me think we'd survive anything.

They were days of invincibility, days of triumph, of romance, of passion. I almost wish I'd never tasted it, so that every other taste was bearable... but nothing is so sweet. Nothing feels so blissful.

Tainted now by these dreams of the past, I have built a mountain of glass around me. I am unattainable, even to those who know how to play my games. They can see in, and I can see out, but my bubble is too thick, indubitably. I know love... and this is not it.

Love is nested in those days of endless sun, rolling around on our private beach, making plans for the future as if it was close enough to reach out and touch. He was a piece of me, and I... a piece of him.

Everyone was sure we'd last... that we were the lucky ones. They'd hope I would find the strength to fly even in his arms, and that he wouldn't be seduced by a risky career move.

No longer do I search for love. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I know that when the time is right, it will find me again. I won't have a choice. The sun will find me again.

Vino Vino

Everything is tense... my shoulders, my legs, my head.

I'm started drinking a bottle of 'Big House Red' at about 1pm today. I was supposed to be at work at 2, but got my shift covered. Getting paid 8 bucks/hour didn't seem too enticing today... not with what's all in my head.

The gas was shut off again today. I found out when The Landlord's brother was standing right there. I cursed a bit, then appologized... it was in fact his brother.

Mira moved out yesterday... I am incredibly bummed. On top of that, Chris is in Washington for 5 days. I am alone, here, in this beautiful studio... tampered by the thoughts that in two weeks, I will be homeless.

I put so much into this spot on earth. Made each wall the perfect color, made each nook shed the most beautiful light into the rest of the room. All of this I will leave behind.

I am getting tired. Tired of uncertainty, tired of the odd hours, tired of not sleeping until at least 6am, tired of dust settling too soon after cleaning. I know my will is strong, but there are so many little things that have gotten under my skin. I try so hard to stay positive, and to the outside world, I am. But inside I'm swirling down a rabbit hole, so confused by what is, and even more by what isn't.

So, today I will clean, and hopefully brush some of this uncertainty away. Being frustrated isn't going to help anything. The more I think of it, the more moving away has a seductive scent.

Numb Day

It's almost 1am and I've got an hurting back, but too much energy to sleep. A lot has happened in the last week or so.

I decided to finally explain to the Landlord how the situation in the house actually is. You see, he's moved back in, after being gone for almost a year, to a household that isn't too fond of him. And this is all with good reason. He's been disrespectful and irresponsible for quite some time, and the fact that he's noisy is icing on the cake. No need for details, but when Mira was sleeping on my couch, I knew the situation had gone on too long.

I was the only person in a position to say anything. Chris works with him, Mira is 18 years old... and frankly a bit terrified of him. So I sucked it up, and in the most gentle way, wrote a very direct email, and gave my 30 day notice.

That was that... so I thought. The next day, I had my early morning appointments, came home for a short while and started to leave to go back to work. I backed into the solar sign (the company both Chris and the Landlord work for) and it flew up and shattered my back window. Hmm. Ok. Karma?

I caught a ride into town, reshuffled my next day and worked for another 6 hours. I got a call while I was working from Mira... crying. Apparently the Landlord came home and 'chewed her out' about how she was sensitive to noise, blah, blah... and basically made her break down and call her mom to rescue her next week. It just wasn't necessary.

So I get home, comfort her... Chris, Mira, Ray and I walk with Tay to get burritos... something to soothe our shitty day. When I get home, I'm working on my 4th grade lesson for the next day when my dad calls and informs me that grandma is in the hospital, and was recessitated in an ambulance a few days prior. I haven't seen her in probably ten years, and because I can't take the time off of work, and an extended weekend doesn't justify the situation financially for the paternal side... I probably won't get to see her again, unless I can come up with the cash to fly to Naples. Fat chance, seeing as I'm not even making enough to live of off... especially at $3.49 per gallon.

Oh, and I didn't get that house. They didn't want a dog... and I can't abandon my prince.

I feel like all day I was just numb to everything going on. I didn't cry, I didn't complain... I just kind of chuckled to myself, waiting for what was next... I just couldn't feel. When it rains it pours.

Anyway, on a lighter note, things at work are going great. My client base is growing quickly, and I'm feeling really good about the difference I am making in people's lives. I really care about helping people, and I know it shows in my work.

Now, I'm in San Jose, almost ready to sleep. I just went to see Steel Magnolius (is that spelled right?) because Lilly was playing Oiser. All the fam, from coast to coast is here... at least the fam I grew up with. It's nice to be around people who just love me... who just really love me.

I should sleep... I'm cooking brunch for 15 in the morning :) I'm thinking cinnamon-banana flax pancakes, tofu veggie curry scramble, egg veggie scramble, fresh pineapple and apples, home made scones... I'll just go with it. I love to cook.

Self Worth and Food Drugs

It seems very apparent to m e that there is a trick to self worth. We use aspects or things in our lives as excuses. “Well, if I’d lose that extra ten pounds I’d feel better about myself.”

And then some of us take it one step further. If I can’t be ten pounds lighter, I am not OK, or I am not worthy of being loved. We put all energy into losing that ten pounds, but subtly sabotage it.

We punish ourselves with patterns or foods that we know will make us gain weight. Most everyone knows what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat… but actually doing it is entirely another matter. Our minds chime in with, “oh it will be OK to have just one cookie!” But once the damage is done, it’s easier to eat two cookies, or a handful of cookies, or the whole damn box!

So what happens when and if we actually lose that ten pounds (figuratively speaking)? Is everything OK in the world again? Or do we choose something else as an excuse to punish ourselves.

I’ve been 100 lbs and I’ve been 160 lbs, and I’ve never liked my body. Others have… but I have always found the negative to outweigh the positive, and I’m a personal trainer with a degree in the health field!

Most nutritionists don’t even know what to eat, much less tell others what to eat. We live by the ideal 1% of people on the cover of magazines, while there is a nation of people so fat that they’ve given up on themselves. Over 67% of our nation is overweight! Do you know what they do?

They take pills for cholesterol. They take pills for blood pressure. They take pills to control their health, but what they don’t know is that they are consuming drugs in their foods that are sabotaging their bodies more than their minds could imagine.

High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugars, Partially Hydrogenated Oils, Fractionated Oils, Modified This or That… the list goes on and on. These are drugs! Yes, they taste good, but they make you act, look and feel like shit.

Just something to chew on.

More to come.

Two Day Weekend!

Today is Friday. HAAAAAH. The sun is finally out, and nothing can keep me down today.

I spent the morning working, then cleaning, then running a few errands... and back to the cleaning. Cleaning is so therapeutic for me. It really makes me feel like I'm turning a fresh sheet of bright white paper over in my book of life.

Living out in Los Osos has been good for me, but it's time to get back into SLO town. I'm really hoping for this place:

It's one bedroom, one bath, and very cozy. The part I'd be renting is just the left side.

Anyway, I don't want to get my hopes up...

I am so very comfortable in my studio now, I wish I could just transport it into SLO.

So today I loved me... my plants, my floors, my room, my clothes, my body. It's hard giving so much to other people, especially when you are low on self-nurturing time. I think these are often the times we get injured or sick, forcing ourselves to love our bodies and spirits... or calling subtly to another person to aid in the healing process. It's recharging the batteries that really helps people to succeed, in their health, in their relationships, in their lives.

I was thinking the other day that I should write a book on this town. It's an extravagant bubble, keeping all its inhabitants sheltered from the storm. A slow moving town, slow to progress, slow to make change... I mean really, I've been living in a house without heat, sidewalks, street lights and a sewer system. It took my mom telling Alex out loud for me to realize the fact that, yes, this is my living situation. Oh, but it's so pretty!

Anyway, I think it's a unique area with many stories to tell, much of which are unheard by most of the world. I think I'll start formulating chapters and just keep putting little things together for a while. Books usually take years to write so I hear, I'll just stretch out the process :) I know that I'm not a professional writer, nor do I have perfect grammar, and I can't spell without spellcheck (which this program doesn't have) but I feel like someone should speak for this quirky spot in Central Coastal California.

We'll see how long this idea lasts.

Peek A Boo

Just a quick story... it probably won't be funny but it brought a big smile to my face.

I woke up early for a client, drove into town, drove home for a quick nap and run before looking at studios and work again. So Tay and I ran down to the bay, really booking it. We saw the regulars; dog walkers and lone walking adults wandered about.

We were running back, taking a little bit of a different path, passing by houses and such instead of dirt trails. Anyway, it's probably been about 4 miles or so, I'm focussed... and I see a 4 foot fenced in yard to my left. Then all of a sudden a man pops up with a black beanie and glasses, smiling.

Devin's gopher story popped into my head and I laughed out loud. I laughed for the entire duration I was on his street. I even said, "that's great!" not knowing if he even considered what his situation (I think gardening) looked like from the outside.

Oh boy... good times :)

Way better than the birdwatcher.

Yoga Kids

I don't think I've written about the Wednesday after school lesson in Atascadero, but I keep thinking about it. The lesson was on balance and flexibility, and we did a yoga activity. Erin and I started off with a demo... I told them to stay very very quiet, and I first did a backbend from standing. A few of the girls said, "I can do that!" and then we asked what was necessary for that demo?

For the next trick, I jumped up on the ball on my knees, they kept chatting a bit to eachother while they watched, but as I stepped one foot up, then the next foot up and stood up, they were dead silent. As I stood on the ball (yes, the full stability ball) they were amazed. It was the perfect intro to the lesson... and they could see how much concentration it took.

Anyway, we taught the lesson, and afterward we did a yoga activity. I had my mat in the front of the class, and all 15 students had towels facing forward. I put them through a few vinyasas just to get them warmed up. There were a few laughs from the hyperactive boys, but most everyone was intensely watching. I did a few basic poses, Padangusthasana, Utthita Trikonasana, Prasarita Padottanasana A, Virabhadrasana A & B, Dandasana, Padmasana, and ended with 3 intonations of om and a long Savasana. Afterwards, one girl sat up and said, "can we do that again?" Of course! I let them hang out in Savasana for a good 5 mins the second time until we had to get going.

We brought lemon/cucumber water for them to taste, and finished up with a post-test to see what they'd learned. Of all the lessons, this was my favorite. They were so quiet, so balanced, and all focussing on their ujjayi breathing. Good times.

This was the first time I've taught to an older group of kids. I used to teach 3-5 year olds at Avila, but they were so tiny and didn't always have the best bodily control. This age was pretty fun... we have one kindergartener, and the rest 3-6th grades. Still no adults... but I don't think I'm ready for adults, I have much to learn still.

Transience

It's Sunday... and the last weekend day I'll be working for a while. Six work days per week is too much, but it's not entirely horrid because I really enjoy what I do.

I've been contemplating since I decided to move, if it's time for me to relocate? San Francisco, New York, Stockholm? Or is it time for accupuncture school? The longer I stay in this area, the more I realize how we are all in a constant transient state. This place is a stepping stone... but with the ever present beauty and opportunity for outdoor adventure, if one can afford to live here, it's paradise.

My problem is that I can't afford to live here... not with my current financials. I save everything, only really spending money on gas and food, with the occasional massage or body treatment, (which is essential to my well being,) and it still doesn't cut it.

So now, do I move to SLO... do I move across country... do I go back to school?

I think the solution for the time being is to work my ass off as a trainer for a while and make as much as I possibly can, looking forward towards administrative opportunities, and if it doesn't work... well then I'll move on.

Something that I've been thinking a lot about is the breakup of 'Three's Company' or Yukie, Karla and Devin. For the last few years, their house has been like a second home, a place of endless laughs, good wine, good food, good times... and all of it is reaching culmination. Yukie moves out soon to a studio in SLO, Devin leaves (seemingly momentarily) for Japan, and Karla will find 2 new roomies. I don't necessarily think it's a bad move for any party involved, but it poses a new aspect of reality in this (again) transient town.

Pulling up the Roots

Today I made a good decision... to move back into San Luis Obispo. I've been out here in Los Osos for almost 2 years, and I don't regret a day of it. What I care very little for is the amount of time in which I spend driving in and out of SLO. I make at least 2 trips per day, as I usually have early morning clients and afternoon clients. It just makes sense to move back in... I'm paying about $35/week in gas or about $140 per month. My rent now is $625+utilities... and SLO will be somewhere around $700-$800+utilities. That pretty much evens out.

So I put an email out earlier this evening, and already I have 2 leads. They are both in my old neighborhood, a place I have held in my heart for quite some time. Both in walking distance to downtown and High Street Deli. I'm going to check one place out tomorrow... we'll see!

I'm actually quite excited about it. I was pretty bitter when my roomie/landlord raised rent for me, mostly because it was at a really inopportune time, but also because I have no kitchen, no heat, and we always run the risk of utilities shutting off b/c he doesn't pay the bill. No gas for 3 days last week was fun! Anyway, even though I LOVE my studio, I do not love driving, and cannot wait to ride my bike everywhere again :) So the search is on! I spent about 1 1/2 hours tonight searching the internet, but as I've learned time and time again in this town, connections will get you everywhere.

This past week was really good at work... I think I started about 5 new clients, not all consistent yet, but it's a-growin'! I feel good about the work I'm doing, and love learning from each of my clients. It's such a feel good job. I know I change lives.

Also, I had a foot spa treatment today, neurofeedback and used a chi machine. I played at a new friend, Karla's house today. The foot spa was quite interesting. What it does is sends an electrical frequency through the body and lets it release toxins, metals, and organ junk. The colors that come out are pretty cool. The whole tub was cloudy black-green with swirrels of brown. So cool. I think we're going to trade. She made me realize again how awesome it was being raised with such an awareness of health and wellness. It really appears that I'm ahead of the game, so to speak. Thanks mom.

Old Lady

It's not yet 9:15pm, and already I'm past my bedtime. This lifestyle I've created is quite refreshing by day, but pretty lame at night. Every day this week I have 5:30am appointments, and I can't blame people for wanting to get their exercise in before work... but man alive! It's seeming earlier and earlier each time. I don't know how long I can handle it.

The largest change has been my lack of drinking and late nights, which I can't say is necessarily a bad thing. My evenings have evolved so much that on weekends I have no urge to go out. I've really disconnected with most social things besides work. I joke about it frequently, and I don't think it'd be so dreary if I had someone to keep me company... other than my now stinky dog.

Some good news: my orchid is about to re-bloom! I've killed a few orchids in my life... but currently I have 2 live, healthy plants, one of which is getting pretty close to blooming! Perhaps the sheet will block it's sun? Maybe it will be an evening sheet?

I do have a beautiful place to live in this studio... but rarely do I have company, or even the energy to entertain. Maybe it's just a little hibernation.

Bad Ass Pirates

I guess I just go for periods of time without writing... and that's OK. I think a lot about it, and often write the story of my life in my head, but it seems rarely have I gotten in out lately.

Much has been happening in the last while. Work has been good. I'm acquiring clients, building a reputation, having fun... but also working long hours, going to bed painfully early, and my social life it pretty much non-existent.

The two men I have feelings for have significant others, which leads me to believe I choose the wrong men. Shocking, I know! There is a new interest developing at work, who I invited to a film at The Palm today about the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. He brought a friend. When one-on-one we have a lot to talk about, but with an uncomfortable friend, all bets were off. I took off to wander.

The film was about a group of people who harass whalers and have sunk 9 whaling ships while in harbor. They are pretty much modern day pirates. Incredibly enough, about 1,000 whales are being killed each year, currently! The Japanese government is trying to sell whale meats and products to kids to get them hooked. This organization (who is affiliated with GreenPeace) is shooting to raise 3 million dollars for a new ship that can keep up with whaling ships. Check out their site for ways to help them reach this goal. I gave $20 today, as that's all I can really afford, actually more than I can afford... but you can donate old cars, ships, or frequent flyer miles as well.

Anyway, life is good in Los Osos, but there is still a missing link. I'm not sure what my next step in life is, but I'm trying to keep my head on tight... trying to keep an aspect of zen at all times.

I finally got on my yoga mat for the first time in a long time. I determined that my uncovered front sliding door was the cause of much anxiety due to the next door neighbor lurking. I covered it with one of my favorite sheets... you know mom, the one with the red, blue and yellow flowers we used to picnic on? Well, it's proven to bring a large sense of security, and my practice was great today. Why on earth didn't I do that sooner?

Disappearing Act

Ok, so maybe I haven't found enough time to write lately, but I find if I don't write about something while it's happening, there is always something else I feel compelled to write about.

I've been formulating the next newsletter for the last month or two... not feeling like it's ready, but when it is, it will be worth reading.

So today is Wednesday. Yesterday I worked from 5:30am and didn't get home until 9ish. Yes, I did take 3 hours to workout and a lunch break and a spin class, but I was still exhausted. Maybe even more so that if I'd just been working others out and not myself. While I was working, one of my coworkers came in to workout, saying he needed cardio. I agreed, and said that I too needed a mega dose of consistent cardio. We talked about both being on a fat loss mission. He says, "want to make a contest out of it?" I immediately replied, "yes!" as that was just the motivation I was looking for.

Don't get me wrong, for the last 2 months or so I've been very committed to my fitness goals, increasing cardio, lifting a lot. But now, this is forcing me to take a very close look at my diet. For the most part it is great, but I do slip up for sweets or salts eventually. Over the next few hours, we recruited at least a dozen more participants.

We took our baseline bodyfat measurements yesterday. I'm at 21.8% body fat... which is well within the normal range, but I have a bit to lose... and some incentive. It's $25/person to enter, and with at least 10 participants, the prize would be $250ish. That's what I'm talking about!

I did a few calculations, and if I were to lose 13lbs of fat, I'd be at 14.6% body fat... could I win with that loss? It's about 1.6lbs per week since it's an 8 week program. If I were to lose 18lbs, I'd be at 11.7% body fat... which is probably a little low for me. Something also to consider is the triathlon training, and converting these muscles from lifting muscles to swim/bike/run muscles. Oh this is going to be fun!!!

This is a true test of my commitment to this field. Losing weight is an uphill battle, and boy do I like to climb those mountains!

NYC

I don't realize how much I like to write until it's been too long. I think my last blog was just before the NY trip.

So much has happened. New York was amazing... I drove up to San Jose with both dogs, stayed the night and flew out early in the morning. We flew all day, having to stop in Dallas for a few hours.

The first day or so we were in the city, I couldn't help but to look for three particular connections:
1. I was searching for the all too familiar cast of Sex and the City walking down the streets.
2. I was scheming about where the SVU detectives would find their next body... in Central Park, underneath the trash piles, on the subway???
3. Does Central Perk actually exist? Where were my famous 6 Friends hiding out?

Anyway, my brain gave it a rest after a day or so and I could relax into my surroundings, or as much as New Yorkers relax.

The conference was amazing. The first day Christa and I spend entirely with Gabrielle Roth. She developed the '5 rhythms' theory for dance while working at Esalon decades ago. I've read one of her books, and have danced with her music a bit. The class was great to watch unwind, watching people new to letting their bodies move was just amazing. There is something so freeing about letting the body do it's thing. Gabrielle looked extremely tired, or hung over or something, but her wisdom was priceless.

I plan on writing more about the conference, putting together some notes and such, in due time. Another highlight was Malcolm Gladwell, more later.

We went to Canal Street to shop, kind of like being in Tijuana but with English speaking people. The diversity in NY was terrific. I love where I live, but we are so white it's disgusting! It was refreshing to see people of all colors, and for that to be normal.

We flew back on Monday, to JFK to LAX to San Jose. On the flight to LA I saw Mariska Hargitay, or Olivia Bensen from SVU. I've literally seen every episode. I couldn't wait to tell my SVU fanatics... Mira, 3s Company... so exciting. Tuesday morning I drove the three hours in the rain back to Los Osos.

So I had my interview on Tuesday afternoon for Fitness Director. Yukie told me she'd help prep me but forgot... I let it go; I was mentally prepared... I put so much intention and thought into the position. I did great. I felt confident. I was glad I got the chance to sit down with 5 very talented directors/managers and to show them who I am and what I am capable of.

I knew it was a little premature because I've only been there about 10 weeks, but I had to try. I didn't get it. Basically the verdict was that I haven't been there long enough. Bummed. But, the harder I work, the more steps I take, the more likely I will get a better position in time.

So I found out I didn't get the job, and also found out that the accommodations for Mammouth fell through. Damn. Roommate Ryan was planning on going to his cabin, but said he didn't have room for Chris and I. Whatever. So I was bumming pretty bad... sitting talking to Ryan about being scared about money and such. Then he tells me he's raising my rent... by $150 per month. Great timing Ry. All that with the combo of getting yelled at by a member at Kennedy for advising his 10-year-old to workout with a parent on the weight floor, I pretty much said a big FU to the world for a few days and kept to myself.

Dogs needing attention, to be continued...

In life there is pleasure and pain... all I can hope for is to find a balance amongst it.  

Almost There

It seems like most of my posts lately have read something about work... or how tired I've been. Well, ladies and gentleman, the train stops here. I have 5 days straight to work, off to NYC, and then... my floor shifts are (by request) almost cut in half! Hooray!

So once this happens, the search for consistent clients becomes more intense. The more consistent clients I get, the more money I make, the easier my life becomes. This is the goal... but I still find myself giving away training sessions just because I feel an obligation to not keep important information from people I know could really use it. It's what I'd hope someone would do for me. Anyway, I feel that it will all come back to me. It is frustrating getting my paycheck for 2 weeks in the amount I'd make in 5 nights of serving cocktails or 2-3 nights bartending. That sucks... but I feel good about what I do, I'm healthier, and I sleep better at night. Maybe I just need to get my clients drunk before I bill them?

I had a great swim today. I called almost everyone who I know swims in town, but everyone was busy with other obligations. So, I decided to swim alone... it was better that way I figured because I tend to swim more without the distraction of another person.

I was sitting in the spa warming up listening to the swim instructor, Linda, talk about strokes, triathlon, and random swim facts to the other members. I slipped into the only lane free, but noticed it was reserved for class. I told Linda to kick me out once she needed it. She told me that she didn't expect many people to show, so I was OK.

A few laps later, she stopped me and asked if I wanted to join her Masters class. I thought to myself, why the hell not? There was a cute visiting assistant that I found motivational as well. I have mostly been swimming freestyle for as long as I can remember, with the occasional butterfly, and most of this workout was IM type stuff, in a 50 meter pool mind you. So I struggled through the 50 fly sets, but everything else was fine. After 1 1/2 hours I was pooped! Quite the motivation it was... and having 2 people correct my strokes was helpful. But, my momma taught me well. Thinking back, I can only remember being coached by someone other than her when I was about 10. Apparently I am a decent stroker... who knew?

So I'm excited about the things to come... travel, less hours working, but still frustrated with finances. It is such an expensive place to live! My studio is nearly perfected however... I feel really good about my home and the warmth it brings me. Oh, and Ryan is finally home. We've got a full house, two gals, two guys, and two pups. The sexes are balanced as of now, but when Luna leaves the males outnumber the females... not a household I'm used to! Good times in Los Osos.

Burning Candles

I've been burning the candle at both ends. Today is another long day... 5:30am to 10pm with a few breaks, but none the less, my adrenals are flowing all day long. I'm tired, I'm hypersensitive to light, sound, people.

I feel like on my breaks I'm never allowed to truly relax. There is always something else to be doing. I suppose most people with full time jobs feel the same way, but they probably make a whole lot more money than I do. I'm not making very much at all. That part is frustrating.

So I sit here in the lobby at work, planning an escape for a few hours. I just feel like I want to cry... a breakdown to make me feel strong again or something. It could be a whole lot worse.

I've decided to love Luna, and she's been better. The weekend was good for her. I was home both days and able to take them both out a few times each day. I think it really made her feel good to know someone was there.

Ok, a walk or something. I'm going crazy.

Going the Distance

It's raining again, and I'm getting pretty excited about Spring coming! I had an early morning this morning--up at 5:45am, but much better than the 4:30am gig I pull on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This week I have really felt alive; I started my long distance cardio again. I've had a few good 5-6 mile runs, a 2700 meter swim, ran from Kennedy 2.5 miles to the base of Madonna where I ran up and down the mountain and then 2.5 miles back to work... 1 hour and 38 minutes, tried my first African Dance class, had another few runs and swims... I feel great.

I still haven't gotten myself on my road bike. I've been out on my cruizin' bike quite a bit putzing around Los Osos, but that's about it. The dirt and sand are quite fun to bounce around on, even without shocks.

The full moon was a little crazy, but surprisingly enough not for me... I hid. I was at work of course, where I ran into the usual crazies, but nothing extraordinary. At a local Denny's (about 15 miles from my home) we had a random act of violence. A homeless man walked in with two semi-automatics and shot a bunch of people, killing 3 and injuring a few more, then killed himself. Crazy.

I miss lifting weights. I may get in a short session today, but long cardio has been working wonders for my spirit!

Luna goes home this weekend. I can't take it anymore. She has been chewing, whining, waking the neighbors, slept on my new couche last night leaving her fur behind, and chewed my wallet this morning. I'm over it. No mas Luna. She means well, but I need my sanity back... at least as much as I've had lately.

Soon to Sprout Green

I've been trying to write for a few days now. The hail is coming down outside my studio, making big blobs of what appears to be ice. The rain brings such a dreary undertone to life... but also hope to what lives outside. Hope that some day the hills will turn as green as they have before, even if it is only two beautiful weeks.

Since I arrived here almost 6 years ago, I've dreamt of photographing the Spring green. Each year I leave town right around that time and casually think it will hang around until I get back. Never happens. There have been magical moments that I have captured on film, or more currently digitally, but none like that 2 weeks in Spring.

So as the rain pours, I think about the water soaking in and nourishing the ground and its inhabitants, for soon the rolling California hills will grow again, and this year I won't allow myself to miss it. It's just too angelic.

Luna is not driving me that crazy anymore. She's still insane, yes, but she is ok. If she were a human, she'd definately be diagnosed with a few disorders... hyperactivity, high anxiety... what else... mom?

But she means well. I slept on the couch last night in the main house. As soon as I got home from work about 8:30pm, I watched 3 minutes of the fashion police from the Academy Awards, and passed out. I had to see what the designers are creating for the red carpet, and what the fashionistas are saying about them and those who wear their pieces. Mira woke me up for a foggy conversation around 11pm, and I decided to just stay warm sleeping and deal with the aching hips in the morning. That futon has seen some long days and long nights.

Today is one of those days I wish I could just eat soup and read... or swim, or run, or anything other than work. But a-working I shall go... spreading the knowledge to the general public... changing lives by changing bodies... helping people to find their internal motivation by using my external tactics... tazers, whips... I mean jump ropes, free weights, treadmills...

Strength

I feel like I'm going to snap. All day I am training people, helping anyone with whatever they need, and I get home to two dogs who need my undivided attention. So I play ball, I take them for walks, and it's still not enough to calm Luna down. She still itches, she still paces, she still whines.

So I calm myself in a bubble bath. She pries the door open to investigate what I'm doing... for the love dog! Can't a girl get a little peace? I'm washing their beds, and of course Luna decides to chew Taylor's bed. Good girl Luna. Spill the box of nails over while you're at it.

It wouldn't be such an issue if I had more time, but my day tomorrow starts at 5am and ends at 10pm... no breaks. That's 17 hours straight of training, watching the baby, teaching and instructing... I hope I can con someone into loving these dogs for me. They are great dogs, really... just a lot of work. And poor Tay misses his alone time with me.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

A Day Off

Work has been busy, and all I've wanted to do is write. My days lately have been 4:30am wake and 9pm sleep... if I'm lucky. I'm building my client base at Kennedy in the mornings (starting at 5:30am) and have floor shifts afternoons and evenings, sometimes until 10pm. In combo with that, I'm still watching baby Tristam a few days per week and helping to build an afterschool enrichment program with Karla.

Today was my first day off in what seems like weeks. I swept, I mopped, I scrubbed, I watered my plants. I took care of only ME today (well, and two dogs) and it felt great.

Luna is a little crazy for my liking. Tay Tay doesn't get as much attention as he used to with her around. I think he's happier having her to play with during the day, but not so much when people are present. He is used to NEVER being outside, and now he's outside for the majority of the day. Not too pleased with that. She is sweet though, an anxious kind of sweet. However, she sends almost an intense wave of anxiety directly to my head when she paces and cries.

There isn't anything I enjoy more than seeing the two of them play in the ocean together... it makes it all worth it. I do wish I had a little more free time to dedicate to the beach/dog cause.

This week we start teaching the enrichment program... it's one day per week for ten weeks. It should be a good experience.

I love love my place here. I have two dogs on my bed, (only because theirs are too dirty to put on my clean floor) I'm surrounded by plants and art and music. I love my freedom, I love my friends and my work makes me feel good.

I am learning so much about myself, where I want my career to lead, about life, about love, about fear and doubts... each day I learn, I read, I speak, I teach.

I've been listening to this recording every morning for about a month now... his name is Dr. Rob Gilbert. He records a new message every day with inspiring thoughts and stories. I'm hooked. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this to call him everyday for a week... he'll change your life. His number is: 973-743-4690. He's a professor somewhere on the east coast. Not sure the specifics.

Now I will sleep and back to work tomorrow... hopefully I will have some time to write a newsletter in the next couple of days. I've been doing all kinds of research lately, so much to write about... I love it.

Into the Light

It's Friday night and man am I exciting! I worked today, first at Kennedy then ran to a meeting downtown for an hour. She talked too much and I missed my opportunity to eat lunch, because I needed to make it back to Kennedy. Protein bar it was until dinner... frustrating.

I had a dinner meeting with the team for the After School Enrichment Program. We went to the new Natural Cafe, which I was contemplating managing. It was divine, but there's no way I could have survived on that salary and those hours. This much I know.

So I drove myself home, cuddled up on the couch with both dogs and fell asleep... at 9pm. Ryan came home at 11pm surprisingly enough. I thought he was still in Jersey, but apparently he's been in what Sheila calls 'the armpit of California' or Fresno. I guess they have a big need for solar in those armpit cities?

Now it's 1am, and I'm contemplating what to do with my day tomorrow. I'd like to make it to my first bikram class at 10am, but not sure if that's a possibility... we'll see how much sleep I need, eh?

I saw The Musician today. I felt it before I saw him, in fact I was expecting it. He walked by the fitness office and gave me a look, just merely a look of recognition and then walked away. Kind of symbolic. I just hope he is happy in life. One of the trainers today asked if I was 'on the market' or not. I hesitated but admitted that yes, I am single... but weary. It takes a lot for me to trust and really care, and it's going to take even longer next time. Is this why so many people end up forever single, just building bitterness from past relationships?

I am proud of myself for my choices lately. I'm really taking care of myself; I'm trying to get as much sleep as possible, daily exercise of some form and good nutrients. I'm doing just fine by myself, but I do miss being in love.

I've been listening to Dr. Rob Gilbert every morning. He leaves a message recording on his answering machine. He's a professor on the east coast, and is just brilliant and inspiring. He adds stories to each lesson, and the lessons really do stick and continue to inspire. Today, he said he has the secret to life in six words, of which he added two more after the ice skating finals:

When you fall down, get up... and smile.

If you're interested, his number is: 973-743-4690... call it.

Oh, done at Avila for good. I fell when teaching on Thursday. I was so exhausted I could no longer lift my legs... apparently. I told my old boss, that was it... no mas.

And finally my Los Osos sky; a peaceful space:

Bird Watchers

So a lot is going on... but what I am compelled to write about most is my run yesterday.

I have been pretty tired due to work at Kennedy at least once/day, watching Tristam about every other day, and working on this after school program... on top of which trying to build clients.

I decided yesterday that before I went back to Kennedy, after observing a Healthy Kids lesson, I would run. Ira stopped by for a minute which motivated me to stop half-napping on the couch and get off my bum.

I ran down to the bay, dogs on leashes... Luna and Tay together are capable of chaos off leash. We got down to the water, and I was so tired of Luna pulling that I let them off. As soon as the sand was in sight, she was gone. Tay loyally followed and they both pretended I wasn't calling them back. Funny joke guys.

So I let them run. Nobody was on the beach, and I'm sure none of the locals would have cared. I found my regular spot to stretch, breathe, zone out, and hung out there for about 10 mins.

Then, as I'm walking back to leave the beach, I decide it might be a good idea to do a headstand. A way of getting the blood back into my core. I found a nice spot to do so in the sand, threw down the leashes to prepare... but was startled by what I saw. It was a man in camoflage (did I spell that right?) with a lense that was damn near 1 1/2 feet long! What the hell!

When I saw the lense, I appologized for scaring the birds away, but he said not to worry because he'd gotten some great action shots. So I left, no headstand... frankly a bit freaked out. He was fully behind a bush. Why wouldn't he at least make himself known to me, a human being 10 feet away!?

So, for all you birders out there... don't cross over to the creepy side of the sport. Make sure that you remember the fact that you don't have feathers, you can't fly, and you don't spit up food to feed your children.

The Mondays

It's Monday night. My mom and Larry are in Belize, and have been since Thursday. It's a bit weird I must say. I know they are well and enjoying a vacation, but to not talk to them on a regular basis is odd.

Today was a crazy day. I woke at 5am, made it to Kennedy for a client at 6, and one at 7. Then 3 hours on the floor picking up after people and reracking weights. I rushed home to throw the ball for the dogs b/c I thought nobody was home. When I got here I suddenly remembered that it's President's Day and both my roommies were home doing nothing. Hmmph.

So I played ball, ate, and drove to Karla's to put in some hours developing the After School Program. Devin came home and motivated us to go to the gym. We went, and then picked up Tristam (two-year-old I watch) at Becky's friend's house. Picked up a pizza, back to Yukie and Karla's for crafts. Afterwards back to Becky's in Shell, then home to Los Osos.

The day wouldn't have been so long and tiresome if I'd had more sleep and if all of my destinations weren't so far apart. Work and home are 20 mins, Shell Beach and home are 30 mins.

Anyway, enough complaining about my day. The job is good, but I still have so many other things keeping me busy and taking time away from putting in work at Kennedy. I need to financially be able to just train. Once these internship hours are done life will be a lot less stressful.

I've come to terms with The Musician being gone, but still am not over it. Maybe it's the rejection, perhaps it's that I couldn't have just what I wanted. Maybe it's that I knew it was a strong connection. Either or any way, it's done... nothing that I say or do will change that, it can only make me a weaker character, in my eyes at least. I need more time to settle it in my head before moving on to someone else. Someone else is ready to move forward with me, but my view is tainted for a while. It's going to be a tricky situation to escape unscathed.

I know, like my grandma says, "everything is as it should be."

And I still don't like the song, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with..." It's bullshit. Be with the one you love. Don't settle.

It's now almost 8:30pm, and I will most likely be asleep within 5 mins. I love going to bed early. It's such a way of honoring thyself and the essential need for sleep :)

Same Sex Hand Holding Day

Today is Valentine's Day... the Hallmark holiday from hell, or what Karla calls 'same sex hand holding day.' I'm not entirely sure why she calls it that, but it sounds much better than the dreaded V word.

The day started off well, with just one client in the morning followed by a killer workout. It's hard for me to exercise at Kennedy without making a scene because a lot of what I do is yoga based with challenging balance and flexibility moves. The good news is that I have my ipod back, and I tuned out of the Kennedy zone and into my own world. My boss was near by and proposed to me after a series of backbends. It was a good laugh. I could have worked out for hours. In fact, I think I'm going to go back later and work out again... or perhaps run or swim.

Although I know that today is a bullshit holiday, it still sucks being alone. As Ben Harper says, 'with so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?' It's too easy to dwell on those relationships that fizzled out before their time, or memories of being in love. My overactive brain is not liking this holiday!

So the energy of the day is being spent on me and my own body. Their was talk of going surfing, but I'm not really feeling like being with people. I'm setting off for a run... at least. I'll see what the vibe is from there. The sun is out at least, probably in the 70's. I am so spoiled here.

Devin is supposed to know where he's living in the next few hours. Last I heard it's between Geneva, Italy or Switzerland. Deep breaths. That's one rock in my life I don't know if I'll ever be ready to lose.

With unfolded laundry on my bed, pictures waiting to be matted on my table, dishes in the sink and a sleeping dog, I'm going against the odds and running away, literally. And the best part is, I'm not thinking twice about it.