Fluke

I woke up early again today to make it to Avila... I usually don't work on Fridays, but made an exception for a client. I called yesterday to confirm, left a message... a no show today. So, I took the time to stretch and do some yoga on the bosu. I left at 10 for my 10:15 Nia class. I haven't been in a few weeks, and so wanted to dance... cancelled. So, I called Ray; we were supposed to have lunch... phone was off.

I was getting pretty low blood sugar, but decided to make it to the World Market because Ray wasn't expecting me until later. I shopped, light headed... the phone was still off. I called his roommate Vic, who told me Ray was throwing up and hung over, phone died. So I got some lunch and went over to work on Vic's achilles tendon. I hung out there for a few hours, with the occasional entertaining visitor.

There was no reason to get up today... today was a fluke. I'm over it. I'm done with bullshit altogether, including my own. I'm hiding for New Years.

So for now, I will keep burning my 'protection' candle to sheild negative influences, and hope that I can stay clear of trouble.

To Wander

I got ready for Giuseppe's... made it downtown, purchased a new wine opener and server book... I got there, and they weren't expecting me. Hmm. Ok. I decided I needed a night off anyway.

So here I am, trying to keep myself from driving me crazy. There is so much indecision... so much confusion. I'm broke... educated, but broke. I'm not sure how to feel, what to do, where to be, how to live...

I suppose this is what life is all about. I've decided to hide for New Years. Last year was too much.

I'm happy and stable in life, but lost and empty. I guess I'm the walking contradiction I've thought myself to be for so long.

One of the biggest voids in my life is the disappearance of one of my best friends, Kristen. She moved to Utah, and for whatever reason couldn't keep in contact with me anymore. Something about it got too painful. She was my other half for so long... we lived together for 4 years... and now she's gone. This was the first birthday in 5 years I haven't celebrated with her... it's weird. I miss her so much, but understand why she needed to run away for a while. I just hope I find her again.

Almost a New Moon

Today is Thursday. I drove home (Los Osos) from San Jose last night. After 3 days of snowboarding, a back-to-back total body sculpt and yoga class, I was exhausted. Christmas was great. I got to spend time with my family and had 2 days of powder... all I could ever need.

I woke up before the sun this morning to make it to Avila, just in time to see the last moon of the month... as a little sliver in the sky. I hope that tomorrow's new moon will bring new beginnings. The musician's still lost, as we all are, and I'm becoming tired of his uncertainty. Not that I want a definite yes/no decision... in fact that may freak me out more... but to know if he's going to stick around or not would be nice. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm not used to this position... I'm more frequently the one running away.

I have thirty minutes until I have to get ready for Giuseppe's. I don't even have a set schedule yet... and I'm still training, which means I'm not making tips. I miss the money at Black Sheep... and it was so easy. I'm considering taking a few shifts a week bartending in addition to Giuseppe's and Avila. I'm just not making enough to cut it, much less shop or travel. It's frustrating, I feel like I'm working so hard.

Anyway, off to clean up the house a bit more before cleaning up after people dining out.

I wonder how much will be too much? I just keep trying to sing...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin' good."

Pre-Christmas

I've been at the Avila Bay Club for almost two years. I've seen many people come and go, quitly and with a stir. Some I miss, some I don't, but the club has been better for it all.

Yesterday was the day of many clients/class. I started off my day with Jim, one of my faithful clients. I always work out with him. Next, I taught my 'Core Training' class. I've gotten a handful of regulars... we laughed, hula hooped... it was a great time. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't worked out in quite some time, so I decided to take Karen's weight 'Total Body Training' class. She kicked my ass as usual. Needless to say, after those three hours, I was worked!

So the day wandered on. I made Christmas Cards for those I needed to see last night. Some of my coworkers at Avila saw some of my work, and asked me to have an art show at the club... and sell them! That was pretty exciting.

I had lunch with Betsy, right on the cliffs in Shell Beach. The waves were huge! We were guessing at least 10 feet. Pretty amazing view at Silver Shoals.

I ended my night with a mending of a relationship that really needed mending... and here I sit today, packing up my things to snowboard!!! Finally, a little snow!!!

Must... keep... packing.

Holidays

I sit here, feet swollen, tired... planning out my next two days. I've been working at Giuseppe's from about 4-11pm every day this week. Getting home late, then up early is exhausting.

I'm so excited to snowboard, and more importantly see my family. I miss them... their support... and thier company.

Tomorrow is a busy day, with 5 clients, one class, dinner plans and packing for the trip. I still haven't put everything I'd wanted to together for Christmas. I know that those who know me well, know I am always/usually late on gifts.

I hope that these jobs get easier and I find my rhythm eventually. Until then, I may be a little cranky and sleep in when I'm not supposed to. Change is inevitable, change is good, but change is mentally and physically taxing.

Horsing Around

Too much computer screen time makes my head ache. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in front of the computer now that music and photos are on screen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I did however get in a little Riverdance this morning, which really just consisted of me dancing around my studio to the soundtrack, but enough to stoke my soul a little.

I'm discovering how dance and play can be incorporated into elongating the spine...

Winter's chill is ever prevalent, and it's hard to keep my body moving. None the less, I feel good. I finally have some time off before the other jobs are starting...

Someone whose picture continues to make me smile:

The Moon Cloud

I was born on a full moon. For as long as I can remember, moons have made me crazy... but I'm aware of it.

Each full moon brings a different level of confusion. Sometimes, they define meaning of an aspect in my life, bring about a culmination to a situation; they generally climax any plot going on in my life.

This moon is no different. It's not even full yet, tomorrow is the day, but I'm already crazy. Dwelling over passed loves, dwelling on where I've been, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm not... dwelling in general.

The best thing for me to do in this state is walk away. I'm strong in who I am and the path I'm on in life. I know everything is OK, but this big ball of light is pulling all the emotion from my soul and wrapping it around my mind.

I'm tired of it... when it comes to the moon, is ignorance really bliss?

A Look Into the Future

Like the translucent quality of water,

my life has finally found clarity.

There are new journeys here to embark upon,

and many leaps to be made.

It's freedom time.

Ahhhhshtanga

Yesterday was a hard day. After Nia, I dognapped Tay and drove to the ocean. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and why, but I knew the sound of the ocean would make everything right.

I felt pretty good last night after dancing, but I know there has been something missing in my life.

I've always known my body needs yoga. My hips are chronically stuck in positions not used in running, and my breath is sometimes short and shallow. After last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I proclaimed my retirement from triathlon and thought I'd just do yoga. It lasted for a while.

I received an email from my old Ashtanga teacher yesterday. I went to her class as religiously as I could, and valued her guidance. She moved to L.A. in July, and I fell out of my practice. Granted it was only about 2-3 times per week, but it was something.

Today I came back to the Primary Series, and oh did it feel good again. It was the first time that it really felt like MY practice. I modified where I needed to modify, and focused on the body parts I knew needed the extra stretch.

My headstand was less than graceful, and I didn't attempt dropbacks, but it felt great. I found my bandhas, and continued to check in with them in each pose. I wonder if I will get to a point where this practice can be a part of daily life?

All I know is that I needed it... and it felt great. It had been too long. I've nearly forgotten everything I'd worried about hours before.

In Hopes of Clarity

This past week has been stressful. Ever since I decided that it was time for a new job, my mind has been a bit confused.

I dropped off two resumes, I got two interviews. I scheduled them 45 minutes apart, both downtown.

The first one was at the new Giuseppe's. The new location is beautiful, right in the heart of downtown SLO. It's going to be amazing. This job I really want. The second interview was at the Library (strictly a bar) in which I'd be bartending. Now the potential for money making is exponential if I am a skilled bartender in SLO, but it's not the classiest place to work in all honesty.

As my blood sugar continued to drop, (I hadn't planned on both interviews, but was actually downtown for lunch plans) I ran to pluck Ray out of the bar he'd been killing time in and dashed for food. With a few minutes to eat, I drove to Avila for a witty 12 year old client and the staff Christmas party. I hung out for a while, but I was the first person there, and in my daily atire. I left when they started the train around the room. I was too exhausted.

I arrived home to a phone message. The night before I ate at Big Sky Cafe for Venessa's birthday, where I'd worked for a couple of years previously. I had dabbled with the idea of managing over there, or at the Natural Cafe, but it seemed I'd be working more hours for less pay. Chris called me to offer me a serving position. I told her I'd interviewed at Giuseppe's, and she told me she wouldn't let me come back to Big Sky if I was offered a job at Giuseppe's. Very cool of her.

So as my brain was being jumbled around yesterday, waiting for calls back, I got another call. It was an athletic club in Pismo Beach (farther from my house than Avila) wanting to hire me based on reputation.

I will also soon be starting work with Yukie and Karla again, to fulfull my internship hours for Cal Poly.

So confused. There are so many things I want to explore, but they are all preceded by a throbbing headache. I wish there were more hours in the week.

Today I hope for clarity. At least the weather is beautiful :)

Chilly Winds

I love Winter. Let me rephrase: I love snowboarding, but in order to snowboard we need snow. As much as I resent the cold for stiffening up my body, I love its expression of white powder.

Winter is always an emotional time for me. There's the birthday month, where just too many people can find me... and the dangerous driving conditions.

But, it's also a time of beauty. The natural landscape changes almost daily and is revived by the rainfall.

Los Osos is cold! I'm frozen until the second before I fall asleep to the hum of my little space heater, and frozen again once I step foot on the tile floors.

If there only was a way to transport myself from the spa to warmth again, without the 15 foot dash of cold up my back...

Ok, so I understand that this is California... but for me, it's cold!