it's go time

My exam is tomorrow morning, bright and early in Santa Maria. I took a practice test yesterday and scored well enough (I think) to be admitted. I do know there are 5 spots left and the decision must be made by the 1st of August, which is in 4 days.

The next few days will be crucial in determining the next year of my life. Friday I head to Big Sur for Sandy's bachelorette and then up to Pinecrest for a good long 9 nights of bliss. Maybe then back to City Hall to wrap up my job or just back to the grind. We'll see how it goes, but I could be starting my program as soon as August 25th, yikes!

My back hurts. I'm stressed and tired and anxious. Tomorrow, at least I should know either way. The wait is almost over.

GMAT to MBA

Graduate School, Graduate School, Graduate School.
I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm strong, I can, I will.

It's too easy for me to get distracted from studying for this GMAT test. In the grand scheme of things, it's a big test, but I CAN DO WELL. It has been over 3 years since I've really studied or been held accountable, especially during free time.

I'm scared though. My bank account is growing smaller each month that goes by, steadily. I know in the next 2 months, there needs to be a drastic shift. I either need to get a new full time job or go back to school. I'm aiming for school and in the event I somehow cannot pass this test, I will make do and find a real job, even if it's not perfect. I cannot and will not struggle for much longer... it wrecks me mentally.

I spent the last two days studying math and english just as I spent years doing. It will all come back, and I will be successful.

I just mapped out the last 12 or so weeks of marathon training, and out popped the mantra I used last year for my training and race, I'm strong, I can, I will. It came to me on mile 21 of a 23 mile run where my mom and I were so delirious, we lost the car. I volunteered to spring ahead (yes after that many miles) and drive to get her. The rhythm of my breathing and the rhythm of the mantra matched up perfectly. And I WAS strong, I COULD do it, and I did it... then and now.

Let me bitch.

The sensitivity of water signs... is that my problem?

I received an email this morning from my boss that said 'don't do this' in a way I didn't react very well to. I thought to myself, couldn't she just reword the email to say, 'I think it'd be better if you did this...' instead?

Then I started thinking am I just too sensitive, or is she really difficult? This is someone I haven't enjoyed working with, she's negative, glass half empty, axing all my ideas because they push the edge.

Then I started thinking about how much my mood is affected by that of The Musician's. Do I let myself sway too much with the opinions of others, especially those in authority or who I'm emotionally attached to?

Why can't I keep my own head on straight and just KNOW that I do my best?

I will continue to do what I do, regardless of the tact and consistency of others.

I NEED to spend quality time studying, but I am so distracted. I thought going up to my parent's house would give me plenty of time, but I hardly spend 30 minutes the entire 5 days. I need to make it happen or find a new job.

Last month I spent twice as much as I made, not because I have spending issues, but that my income is so low and cost of living so high.

URGH.

It's hard because I'm always that rock for people, the consistent and stable rock that never moves... but their opinions and reactions and instabilities don't go unnoticed and sometimes I just want to hide from it all!

Murphy's Mercury

Finally a shift. My more mystical friends have made a big deal of Mercury being in retrograde. It's a time when things just go wrong. The actual period of time was from May 26th to June 19th, but things don't straighten out until July 4th. It's exactly what I've heard from 2 other sources, and I can FEEL it.

Last year when Mercury was in retrograde, I deemed it the summer of 'unlove' due to the sheer number of relationships ending within a few week period of time, including my own. It's scary when the universe does things like this. I worked with the general public long enough to know that there are patterns in behavior, and it's subconscious.

Mercury in retrograde is known as the astrological Murphy's Law... if something is going to go wrong, it will. A fine example: George W. Bush was named President of the United States while Mercury was in retrograde. Talk about a f*ck up. That whole Florida thing, yep, retrograde.

I am a water sign, also with fire. The Musician is an earth sign, also with water. I think it's that water quality that makes us both hypersensitive to the activity of the planets. He wasn't being himself, we both knew it... and it was almost unavoidable. Things were destined to go wrong for a few weeks. I didn't give up, when everything told me to do just that... because I knew it wasn't him.

This morning, he woke up and said, "something clicked last night." I then explained the crazy pull of Mercury and what's been going on. Bless him mom for raising him so open to these weirdities. He didn't miss a beat.

Today I feel the shift, I feel like the shit is gone. I think I read that Mercury is in retrograde 4 times a year? I may have to plan to just disappear during those times! That was intense.

Today my sister and parents left for their bike ride until Monday or Tuesday, some long mountainous bike camping trip, I declined attendance for. I'm so not as knarly as the rest of them! California is covered in smoke however, so we'll see if they get caught up in in. Bennett is dropping them off I think near Gualala I think, right off the coast. I'm SO glad they waited until the universe was in a more stable state!