On the Path

I signed up for health insurance today, if they accept my application that is. It's been a few months I've survived without it this go round, and anticipating the snowboarding trip to come next week, I thought maybe insurance would be nice to have just in case. I'm not convinced that I'll use it too often, but at least I'll have the option.

The rain is getting to me. After my soaking Tuesday last week, I've hesitated to spend much time outside in this weather. There have been a few breaks in which I've enjoyed a hike or walk, but I'm off the running wagon for a few days. Last night I got cozy in bed on the heating blanket, pretending to be a reptile... which has really become my routine as of late. I read my JivaMukti yoga book, in my effort for self teacher training due to the lack of funding in my present life.

The book is fabulous, but the wind was too crazy! The lattice on the front porch was swinging 6 feet into the air and crashing into the window. The metal archway on the side house was clanging every few seconds. I tried to meditate through it, I tried... but I finally called for backup and was swept up by a prince back to his toasty cave. I felt like such a baby! I remembered all those days of hiding from the storms when I was little, and being so mad that my family wanted to be out in it... I guess some things never change.

I've been searching the internet for cars, and there are some affordable ones that aren't too shabby! Whenever I finally get another vehicle, this experience has changed my life forever. No longer will I rely on only a car for transportation when I have 2 good legs and 3 beautiful bikes. Ultimately I think I will buy another car, for the freedom really. Being able to drive to the beach alone is a gift, or to take Taylor somewhere, anywhere. I have so many people in my life willing to help support me, loan their cars, etc., but I am one independent and stubborn girl, who likes to be alone much of the time!

At least now I'm insured.

Stubborn Girl, Puddles for Shoes

So today it poured, hard. I woke up for my 7 AM Kennedy clients at about 5:30, knowing I needed to figure out transportation. I looked up the bus schedule last night and knew the bus left City Hall at 6:25 AM, perfect to get me to the club by 7. I remember seeing the bus pass me many days riding out.

So I look outside (in the dark) at 6:15 and think, I'm a trainer for goodness sakes! So I put on my waterproof shell (thanks mom and Larry) and head outside. It didn't seem to be raining that hard when I left, so I packed my backpack full of lunch and a few things and headed out. 2 minutes on the bike, I knew I'd made a dreadful mistake. I was drenched, luckily just on the outside.

So I rode along in the dark, with my headlight, helmet, and flasher on my back. I made it there in record time (talk about motivation) but arrived drenched. Everyone who saw me reacted, in one way or another. I headed to the locker room where I stripped down and rung out my socks... quite literally. Then I tried to blow dry my socks and shoes--not working AT ALL. So on went the soaking wet socks and shoes, only to squish around and prune my feet for the next 5 hours.

After many clients and no break, I finally went downstairs and bought a new pair of socks and blow dried my shoes, the best I could. Then I ate chocolate cake. Yes, I did. My rule today is, if you endure something awful, enjoy the indulgences you don't normally allow. So I had cake, a tuna melt (with cheese!) and sour dough bread with a side of corn chips. All crap I never have, but damn it, I deserved it.

Riding there wasn't as bad as riding home because that early, no one can see you. At 3 PM, everyone stares. Great.

Take the bus next time Jenna, seriously.

Chips and Guac

A few pictures from Mexico...

Tequila: the cat who I shared my fish tacos with, and probably turned into quite the beggar... I couldn't help it, she was too cute!



Near Punta Sur, a look out with not much life to see... a few birds, no crocs, and a crab.



Painted entrance to No Name Bar.



The cruise ships a pooping people...



The Mexico diet :O)

Separation

While I was single, my solution to the lonesome feelings was to buy myself flowers... sometimes lilies, sometimes tulips, but orchids became the favorite. Orchids can be a bit tricky, I've had some last years and bloom over and over again, and I've had some die within a matter of months, never predictably.

So I ended my count of self loathing orchids with 5... some healthier than others, some still blooming, some hibernating their blossoms for winter.

There are always those heart wrenching stories about how a mother gives birth to a beautiful baby, only to lose her own precious life... and each time I walk in my kitchen (home to two orchid friends) I think of these stories. I've watched one of my orchids struggle for a few months. I bought her because she had a few flawed leafs and I thought it would deter anyone else from taking her home. She had the most beautiful buds and the flowers that had opened were amazing.

So she's struggled, and I finally got to the point of separating baby from mother in hopes of saving mom's life. So her beautiful blossoms sit next to her in a cylindrical glass as she wilts away. Heart wrenching I know.

Here they are...





Wishing momma and daughter luck in this chilly California winter as I research how best to save her life.

Much Betta

Since the last time I've written, things have drastically improved... as you may have imagined. I tend to write more on a frustration level rather than an elated level, although both are beneficial.

I've discontinued all contact with the other studio in town that had entangled the community in so much strain and stress, and immediately my life shifted. I started teaching on Archer Street again, the studio that many of us have come to know as home. As soon as I rolled out my mat for that first class, my spirit lifted more than one could have predicted.

I decided to cut back my hours at Kennedy, and maybe even all together. I do have a few clients that I'd like to keep on track, and keeping ties is a good idea, as long as everyone knows how non-committal I have to be there.

My personal life is great. I'm enamored with someone who's been around a long time, and the timing finally seems to be just right... I have no expectations or requirements, but rather, I'm living each day to the fullest in great company.

Lunch time yoga started at the city with a warm welcome... that's been exciting. Tomorrow is class #2. Teaching beginners is a whole new battle for me, but watching beginners learn is twice as gratifying.

A deep sigh of relief that all is well, and is getting better day by day... there are bright things in my present and in my future... and all of that, I realize, is a choice.

ARRRGGGH

I am so frustrated.

My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.

So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.

I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.

I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.

So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.

I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.

I don't know what to do but cry and pray.

I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.

I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.