Booze and Sunshine

So it seems that all I needed was a little sunshine and sister time.

This weekend, Christa came down to help me. Stubborn as I am, if she would have told me that's why she was coming, I probably would have revolted. Anyway, so we found a ton of boxes, put much of my possessions in newspaper, and started this moving process along.

It was really a great weekend. I hung out with Christa until Sunday night when I met my neighbor Lonnie for a birthday drink. Well, it turned into a few more... and we ended up taking a cab back to Osos at about 3:30am. The next day with Lonnie, his wife Anna, son Kai and friend Keith, we headed up to Lake Nacimiento for some sunshine and booze. Just exactly what I needed. I didn't drink much, and spent most of the day in the lake playing. The water felt incredible.

I did however hurt myself on Sunday. Ray, Christa and I were sitting in my 6 person hammock and it snapped. The 10 foot 4x4 came down on my patella (knee cap). Since my knee caps were already cracked, I'm 90% sure it's broken... in fact I can feel the pieces. Anyway, it makes me professional life interesting. We'll see how I do. Today was hard.

It felt so good to just let myself relax in the sunshine this weekend. I still don't have a definite plan of where to live. I have a small plan however. It may just be time to dig up my roots here. We'll see.

Lunatics

Strangely enough, after I wrote 'Idle' last night, I checked the phase of the moon online. For the past 3 or so years, I have always had a moon chart or two around the house, and now I don't. The point is, I used to know where I was in the lunar cycle every few days, and now, I only see what appears during the day or night. I still pay attention, but not as much.

Over the years, as I've paid attention, I notice a shift in my energy and the energy of those around me. It was really apparent when I worked in restaurants. What I've noticed is that with the waxing moon (when it's getting fuller) the mood lifts, almost in hope of what is to come. With the full moon, it's like the culmination of that good mood, all the good energy; the climax per say. After the full moon, the energy wanes or slowly drains away. And, like last night, when there's no moon, apparently it's hard to connect to the earth's energy at all.

There have been studies about the moon and how it causes lunacy in people. I wonder if that's why people are called lunatics? Ha. Probably.

So what was striking about last night is how I felt... on idle. Like I had no feeling, no emotion, no opinion, no drive. Right after I wrote, I checked my favorite moon website... absolutely no moon. 0.0% illumination! It confirmed how much I'm connected to the supernatural.

Is it better to know? Well, I feel more justified in my idle attitude, but if I'd never made that connection to the lunar cycle, would it still have the same crazy pull on me? I think yes.

If you're curious what the moon was doing when you were born, check this website and enter your birthday. And, just if you were curious about me, yes, I was born on a full moon. Go figure.

Oh, and for good measure, a picture of our favorite Lunatic, and yes, she's peeing in the lake :O)

Idle

First thing, let me clarify: #4 sell photos online, does not mean sell photos of myself. I understand that seems ambiguous, but it's rather to sell photos that I've taken, online.

Ok, so the search continues. I think the hardest thing is that I have no idea what I'm looking for. I love my job, but I make pennies. I love where I live, but it's expensive as hell. Is it worth living in this beautiful, clean-aired, magnificent coastal land?

There are so many possibilities, so many options, so many decisions... and just me to make all of them. Frankly, it's terrifying... it's overwhelming... it's driving me insane. So what have I been doing? Spending as much time as I can in the beautiful studio I've created, and trying not to be too bitter about what will happen to it when I leave. I've been hiding from anything that will make me feel better about life, about indecision, about it all. It seems counter productive--yes, but it's all I have left in me to do. I just need to retreat for a while and think... but it seems thinking is the last thing I want to do.

I wish there was some kind of certainty in my life, something stable, something to stand on. But until then, I'll float around and dream. I'll dream of the day when I can EZpay my bills online, when I can know how much I'll make at the end of the month, and when the company I work for insures me and pays me a decent wage!

Pennies

I'm frustrated... still.

I'm broke. I made $580 in two weeks. Two weeks of getting up at 4:30am, two weeks of frequent 12 hour days. My rent is $625. In less than two weeks, I have no place to live.

So here are my options:

1. Get a new job.
2. Keep my current job and get another job.
3. Move away.
4. Sell photos online.
5. Start a kids program.

I can't believe how incredibly hard I've been working for such little pay, with a college degree! Chris and I just looked at the job listings in the paper for a better opportunity... a Wine Club Manager was the only appealing job.

I think my best resources right now are my clients... the business owners, the web designers... surely they must see potential in me.

I was on the verge of tears all day after getting my paycheck. It's just not right. I don't even make half of the personal training rates the club charges... not even half. That in combo with the commute is leaving me with a bad headache and knots in my stomach.

In the meantime, it's the time of year for parties... bdays, wine festivals, beer fest, blues fest, coworkers leaving... all which requires money. At least I have a good excuse for staying in as often as I do.

When does it get easier?

Glass

I long for the days of endless sun, when I'd turn my phone off and day dream. He'd spend hours searching for me, knowing the general area I would bask in the light of day. The surprise of seeing my love find my lounging body in the middle of nowhere was blissful.

I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but I knew he loved me. He loved every ounce of who I was, and what I represented. I could do no wrong. In his eyes, there was no other woman on earth.

We'd spend late nights drinking fabulous bottles of wine, staring into the eyes reflecting our own beauty. A truely disfunctional pairing it was, looking back... and I think I always knew it, but knowing his love, made me think we'd survive anything.

They were days of invincibility, days of triumph, of romance, of passion. I almost wish I'd never tasted it, so that every other taste was bearable... but nothing is so sweet. Nothing feels so blissful.

Tainted now by these dreams of the past, I have built a mountain of glass around me. I am unattainable, even to those who know how to play my games. They can see in, and I can see out, but my bubble is too thick, indubitably. I know love... and this is not it.

Love is nested in those days of endless sun, rolling around on our private beach, making plans for the future as if it was close enough to reach out and touch. He was a piece of me, and I... a piece of him.

Everyone was sure we'd last... that we were the lucky ones. They'd hope I would find the strength to fly even in his arms, and that he wouldn't be seduced by a risky career move.

No longer do I search for love. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I know that when the time is right, it will find me again. I won't have a choice. The sun will find me again.

Vino Vino

Everything is tense... my shoulders, my legs, my head.

I'm started drinking a bottle of 'Big House Red' at about 1pm today. I was supposed to be at work at 2, but got my shift covered. Getting paid 8 bucks/hour didn't seem too enticing today... not with what's all in my head.

The gas was shut off again today. I found out when The Landlord's brother was standing right there. I cursed a bit, then appologized... it was in fact his brother.

Mira moved out yesterday... I am incredibly bummed. On top of that, Chris is in Washington for 5 days. I am alone, here, in this beautiful studio... tampered by the thoughts that in two weeks, I will be homeless.

I put so much into this spot on earth. Made each wall the perfect color, made each nook shed the most beautiful light into the rest of the room. All of this I will leave behind.

I am getting tired. Tired of uncertainty, tired of the odd hours, tired of not sleeping until at least 6am, tired of dust settling too soon after cleaning. I know my will is strong, but there are so many little things that have gotten under my skin. I try so hard to stay positive, and to the outside world, I am. But inside I'm swirling down a rabbit hole, so confused by what is, and even more by what isn't.

So, today I will clean, and hopefully brush some of this uncertainty away. Being frustrated isn't going to help anything. The more I think of it, the more moving away has a seductive scent.

Numb Day

It's almost 1am and I've got an hurting back, but too much energy to sleep. A lot has happened in the last week or so.

I decided to finally explain to the Landlord how the situation in the house actually is. You see, he's moved back in, after being gone for almost a year, to a household that isn't too fond of him. And this is all with good reason. He's been disrespectful and irresponsible for quite some time, and the fact that he's noisy is icing on the cake. No need for details, but when Mira was sleeping on my couch, I knew the situation had gone on too long.

I was the only person in a position to say anything. Chris works with him, Mira is 18 years old... and frankly a bit terrified of him. So I sucked it up, and in the most gentle way, wrote a very direct email, and gave my 30 day notice.

That was that... so I thought. The next day, I had my early morning appointments, came home for a short while and started to leave to go back to work. I backed into the solar sign (the company both Chris and the Landlord work for) and it flew up and shattered my back window. Hmm. Ok. Karma?

I caught a ride into town, reshuffled my next day and worked for another 6 hours. I got a call while I was working from Mira... crying. Apparently the Landlord came home and 'chewed her out' about how she was sensitive to noise, blah, blah... and basically made her break down and call her mom to rescue her next week. It just wasn't necessary.

So I get home, comfort her... Chris, Mira, Ray and I walk with Tay to get burritos... something to soothe our shitty day. When I get home, I'm working on my 4th grade lesson for the next day when my dad calls and informs me that grandma is in the hospital, and was recessitated in an ambulance a few days prior. I haven't seen her in probably ten years, and because I can't take the time off of work, and an extended weekend doesn't justify the situation financially for the paternal side... I probably won't get to see her again, unless I can come up with the cash to fly to Naples. Fat chance, seeing as I'm not even making enough to live of off... especially at $3.49 per gallon.

Oh, and I didn't get that house. They didn't want a dog... and I can't abandon my prince.

I feel like all day I was just numb to everything going on. I didn't cry, I didn't complain... I just kind of chuckled to myself, waiting for what was next... I just couldn't feel. When it rains it pours.

Anyway, on a lighter note, things at work are going great. My client base is growing quickly, and I'm feeling really good about the difference I am making in people's lives. I really care about helping people, and I know it shows in my work.

Now, I'm in San Jose, almost ready to sleep. I just went to see Steel Magnolius (is that spelled right?) because Lilly was playing Oiser. All the fam, from coast to coast is here... at least the fam I grew up with. It's nice to be around people who just love me... who just really love me.

I should sleep... I'm cooking brunch for 15 in the morning :) I'm thinking cinnamon-banana flax pancakes, tofu veggie curry scramble, egg veggie scramble, fresh pineapple and apples, home made scones... I'll just go with it. I love to cook.

Self Worth and Food Drugs

It seems very apparent to m e that there is a trick to self worth. We use aspects or things in our lives as excuses. “Well, if I’d lose that extra ten pounds I’d feel better about myself.”

And then some of us take it one step further. If I can’t be ten pounds lighter, I am not OK, or I am not worthy of being loved. We put all energy into losing that ten pounds, but subtly sabotage it.

We punish ourselves with patterns or foods that we know will make us gain weight. Most everyone knows what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat… but actually doing it is entirely another matter. Our minds chime in with, “oh it will be OK to have just one cookie!” But once the damage is done, it’s easier to eat two cookies, or a handful of cookies, or the whole damn box!

So what happens when and if we actually lose that ten pounds (figuratively speaking)? Is everything OK in the world again? Or do we choose something else as an excuse to punish ourselves.

I’ve been 100 lbs and I’ve been 160 lbs, and I’ve never liked my body. Others have… but I have always found the negative to outweigh the positive, and I’m a personal trainer with a degree in the health field!

Most nutritionists don’t even know what to eat, much less tell others what to eat. We live by the ideal 1% of people on the cover of magazines, while there is a nation of people so fat that they’ve given up on themselves. Over 67% of our nation is overweight! Do you know what they do?

They take pills for cholesterol. They take pills for blood pressure. They take pills to control their health, but what they don’t know is that they are consuming drugs in their foods that are sabotaging their bodies more than their minds could imagine.

High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugars, Partially Hydrogenated Oils, Fractionated Oils, Modified This or That… the list goes on and on. These are drugs! Yes, they taste good, but they make you act, look and feel like shit.

Just something to chew on.

More to come.

Two Day Weekend!

Today is Friday. HAAAAAH. The sun is finally out, and nothing can keep me down today.

I spent the morning working, then cleaning, then running a few errands... and back to the cleaning. Cleaning is so therapeutic for me. It really makes me feel like I'm turning a fresh sheet of bright white paper over in my book of life.

Living out in Los Osos has been good for me, but it's time to get back into SLO town. I'm really hoping for this place:

It's one bedroom, one bath, and very cozy. The part I'd be renting is just the left side.

Anyway, I don't want to get my hopes up...

I am so very comfortable in my studio now, I wish I could just transport it into SLO.

So today I loved me... my plants, my floors, my room, my clothes, my body. It's hard giving so much to other people, especially when you are low on self-nurturing time. I think these are often the times we get injured or sick, forcing ourselves to love our bodies and spirits... or calling subtly to another person to aid in the healing process. It's recharging the batteries that really helps people to succeed, in their health, in their relationships, in their lives.

I was thinking the other day that I should write a book on this town. It's an extravagant bubble, keeping all its inhabitants sheltered from the storm. A slow moving town, slow to progress, slow to make change... I mean really, I've been living in a house without heat, sidewalks, street lights and a sewer system. It took my mom telling Alex out loud for me to realize the fact that, yes, this is my living situation. Oh, but it's so pretty!

Anyway, I think it's a unique area with many stories to tell, much of which are unheard by most of the world. I think I'll start formulating chapters and just keep putting little things together for a while. Books usually take years to write so I hear, I'll just stretch out the process :) I know that I'm not a professional writer, nor do I have perfect grammar, and I can't spell without spellcheck (which this program doesn't have) but I feel like someone should speak for this quirky spot in Central Coastal California.

We'll see how long this idea lasts.

Peek A Boo

Just a quick story... it probably won't be funny but it brought a big smile to my face.

I woke up early for a client, drove into town, drove home for a quick nap and run before looking at studios and work again. So Tay and I ran down to the bay, really booking it. We saw the regulars; dog walkers and lone walking adults wandered about.

We were running back, taking a little bit of a different path, passing by houses and such instead of dirt trails. Anyway, it's probably been about 4 miles or so, I'm focussed... and I see a 4 foot fenced in yard to my left. Then all of a sudden a man pops up with a black beanie and glasses, smiling.

Devin's gopher story popped into my head and I laughed out loud. I laughed for the entire duration I was on his street. I even said, "that's great!" not knowing if he even considered what his situation (I think gardening) looked like from the outside.

Oh boy... good times :)

Way better than the birdwatcher.