Goodbye 2008. Hello 2009!

Class went well. It felt good to be back on sacred ground. I was immediately welcomed with smiles-which was so nice. A few of my old students came, knowing I was going to be there... and a few students remembered me, happy for the surprise.

I miss my own classes though. I miss having my regular clan, ready to play on their mats. I love teaching, but I never again want to need the money it brings.

Of course I stumbled on a few of my words, but shocking to me, many of them came right back, as if I'd never left them.

A few more days until Winter Quarter begins... then Spring Quarter, then China and India... then? Then I answer that question I'm sure everyone will continue to ask... "what next?" Right now, I don't know.

All I can do is set my positive intentions for the new year and hang on as it unravels. Life is good. 2008 was a good year, a hard year, but a good year. I feel like I made the right decision to go back to school, no doubt.

Ending the year with yoga...

I'm on my way to teach a New Year's Eve morning yoga class. My nerves are going crazy! I haven't taught since August, which seems like an eternity.

I'm prepared, as usual, as used to be usual. No class written, but ideas and music. Then we just let it flow :) I'm tighter and weaker than I once was, but also smarter... weird trade off.

We'll see how class goes today... I'm optimistic, I'll have fun, hopefully someone will show up!

pre-Christmas update

Saturday. Normally I would be jumping for joy except Saturday is just like Monday thru Friday this week. Ahh, the joys of vacation. I did reach an important state a few days ago... boredom. I hate being bored, and in reality there are tons of things I want to do, but it's more of the lacking motivation boredom... "I don't HAVE to do anything RIGHT NOW so I won't do anything," but then boredom paralyzes all movement. Probably a necessary process in life.

I've been enjoying my creative side this break... drawing, making ornaments and decoupage. I won't say more until after Christmas because most of this work is going towards presents. Last night I saw Slumbdog Millionaire, which was awesome. Such a great love story... based on three kids who lived in the slums of Mumbai, orphaned by violence. I love going to the movies. It could be one of my favorite things to do, right now I guess... in the cold of winter, California cold I know, but still chilly for us Cali natives.

The Musician and I are doing really well. He's looking at adopting a furry friend this winter... which is exciting! There isn't a day I regret having Taylor, not one day.

I'll leave to see my family in a few days, so now is the time to really prepare for Christmas. I'm only doing presents for a very select few this year... and making most of them myself, or taking things right out of my closet. I think I can only do that for sister and mom :)

The end of break will creep up quickly. I need to be sure to order books, read, blog, watch my assigned videos, etc. I have a lot due at the end of next quarter in addition to my 4 classes (which are all super intense) so I best get a move on!

Until then, I'll enjoy my evenings of crafting, listening to George Wintson and watching candles burn. I should probably throw more yoga into that mix too :)

Finally Finals

Finals are over. I performed less than I'd hoped to... I procrastinated a few days and then got really sick--food poisoning. I think I'll still do well because I was pretty consistent and dedicated all quarter.

I'm now writing my book review of The Post American World by Fareed Zakaria and updating my other blog... my Chindia Blog.

I hope to post more over the break. Seemingly, I have 3 weeks off, but a ton of stuff to do--school and otherwise. Probably time to start thinking about Christmas too.

It's time again to empty things out;
time again to scrape the sides,
to apply some heavy abrasives
...and soon enough,
re-adjust the settings and walk on.

running doctors

I love running. This week I've had some fabulous runs... there is nothing that makes me feel better... well, maybe a few things. I'm starting to enjoy being a student again, truly, only this is about the time in the quarter for burn out: week 7. Two midterms next week and two the following with projects, homework, papers, teamwork, etc. I love it. It gives me a purpose, a grand purpose; I get to learn from individuals who have dedicated their lives to this information. They lead me in the right direction and test my knowledge. It's amazing. If only I had this perspective the first go-round!

I started to consider a doctorate degree today... there is much time yet to come, and I will probably work to pay off debt for quite some time, but I'm not ruling it out just yet as a possibility.

So I'm off to study... yes, at 6:27PM on a Saturday night. I wouldn't have to if I didn't spend so much time cleaning today or if I didn't go to Magic Mountain yesterday! But a clean house makes for a clean mind, and riding roller coasters is well, just fun :)

OK, I'm back...

It's been less than two months and I miss writing... actually I've been writing, a lot in fact, just not here on my trusty blog. After trying to figure out how to save this blog in my personal archives, I found myself just wanting to write again. So, I'm trying again.

I did come to a realization that my processing can be quite negative. I feel like that's how I know how to process, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be that way. So my goal is to write from the heart, but also to keep my glass half full.

By now I think I may have lost most of my readers, and maybe that's a good thing? If you do read my blog... enjoy it, but keep the judgements to a minimum please. I learn as I write, and will continue to learn my entire life.

So, I'm back. We'll see how it goes... and this could be proof that stubborn people can come around, eventually.

Processing and Negativity: a bad thing?

I started writing when I was very young--mostly as a tool to process my life. As it turns out, I'm more likely to write when I need to process or purge something making the tone of my writing often times negative.

Some may think the tone of my blog over the years has been negative, but my question is... is all processing negative?

I was raised under the impression that to have a healthy relationship, everything must be on the table, and that's the rule I've lived by for many years. I'm learning that there are certain relationships that require severe filters with certain information; it's not always in every person's best interest to know ALL the facts.

I'm learning to keep my own processing inside, or rather to my own processes. I've felt sort of exposed lately. Too many people not only know intimate details of my life, but have intense opinions of what's right or wrong. That taints my true intention and final actions. And really, when people know my issues, they bring them up... bringing me into processing mode, when I'm really there enough on my own.

So in my overly open world of communication, this girl is learning to shut her mouth.

Two of my biggest fears are that I will

1. Be a hypochondriac
2. View the world glass half empty

Now, I'm a very self critical person who strives for perfection--always have. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it means I process more than most; I critique myself more than most. That means that if anyone else criticizes me--it hits the nerves of issues I've already scrutinized myself for.

Being a hypochondriac: Yes, I know a lot about health, and that keeps me striving for perfection. If I have a little pain, I strive to fix it. If I have a little indigestion or inflammation, I strive to fix it. Does this make me a hypochondriac? No. It means I address the issues at hand, maybe with a finer microscope than most. I am proactive about my body, I don't just complain.

Glass half empty: I think I portray the opposite, but when too many people know my shit, the conversation becomes about my issues--glass half empty conversation. I live in California, what could be so bad?! Yes, I have certain issues, everyone does. On the other side of the globe, people work twice as hard for 1/2 the pay and 1/10 of the recognition. Woe is me--not. I know my life is good, but again, it comes back to this perfectionist in me.

Should I just become comfortable with status quo? A moderate amount of pain, indigestion, anxiety and just be happy? If it was only that easy... and is anyone ever genuinely happy, or is it a continuum? Am I eating myself alive for never being happy with my circumstances or wanting more? Is it EVER going to be perfect?

And P.S. I don't write because I want anyone else to answer these questions, again, it's processing. MY process. Maybe my blog should vanish and help me regain a certain amount of privacy again. I'll sleep on it.

MBA Week Two

After a 3 day weekend, it's much harder to build momentum at school... although I did meet with my group every day this weekend to work on our numerous projects and presentations.

We presented a chapter of Crossing the Chasm, a book on how new businesses sink or swim. I compared the idea of crossing over from an early market base to a mainstream market to that of D Day, where the US troops and its allies crossed the English Channel to the Beachhead in Normandy. In business terms, securing their niche market, allowing them to explore other market segments and eventually dominating the mainstream market, or Liberating France from the Germans... anyway, it was a fun analogy to present.

We've also been researching and promoting a new technology for a local company (which I can't really talk or write about). That's been pretty cool too. The industry in which the technology is looking to emerge is booming, and the product has potential. I'm the pretend CEO of our company, and we're asking investors for only a million to get us started in production and marketing, once the prototype is perfected that is.

What else... a business case brief and executive summary on a company called E Ink who is behind the technology of E Books. They make a pliable electronic ink paper like product that can easily load information... we have to predict their survival... but the Harvard case we're basing our papers off of was written in 2005, and well, we all know the company survived and is doing well.

Anyway, I'm doing some fun things, having a good time. Still, it's a lot of work, but things should calm down once Fall quarter starts and boot camp ends. This group of 30 or so students will remain like family through this process, I have a feeling. There's something about suffering that can really bond people.

I'm off to redraft, then sleep. The additional research I was going to do tonight must wait until that 6 AM hour, when my mind seems to be much more clear than after 8 PM. Sad, I know. When the sun goes down, so do I, which is why winter months are so difficult! I become a bear hibernating :)

And how gorgeous is the moon tonight!? At 12% of full, there was just a faint sliver in the sky with the setting sun... pinks and purples, the silhouette of Mt. Madonna and the new baby moon. There's nothing really that can put me in a better mood. That in combination with walking my Tay, sipping good earth tea and talking to an awesome friend, makes for a happy girl.

Oh yes, redraft, research...

MBA Boot Camp Day Two

I am 2 days deep into my MBA program and loving it. The preparation I did before school began has really put me into a comfortable space. Don't get me wrong, there is a TON of work to do, but having read those 1000 pages ahead of time, I feel good about it, and I'm really having fun... all but the exception of my butt in a hard chair for 8 hours/day. Both professors are great about giving us breaks every hour or two, in which I walk up and down the steps of the business building.

I am by far learning in the most beautiful building on campus, and with an amazing group of students. The group is diverse, with people from every walk of life. I love it.

My group members for this 3 week session are a mid twenties woman who studied Avian Sciences (yes, birds-mostly poultry) from Sacramento, and a guy who grew up on the East Side in Manhattan, who speaks 4 languages and lived in Rome for a few years, among other places. It's a trip hearing everyone's stories about how any why they got to this point. I stick out like a sore thumb, needless to say. My Technology and Commercialization professor smiles at me as I talk about health technology... they've found if removing one of the essential amino acids from the diet, it results in rapid weight loss. Hello obesity epidemic! It wasn't published which one, but I think I'll email the researcher.

I'm being proactive, except for the 1/2 hour I'm typing this blog, I've spent all my time 100% focussed in order to get things done quickly and efficiently. I am a different student then I once was, I'm eager to be there and to learn and holy smokes is this great stuff! It also provides that structure I was so badly lacking in my life... one place to put energy into.

I've stepped down from my roles in supporting others; my oh my does that feel good for once. I love to spread wellness and happiness, but I don't think I was happy in my situation. I need to take care of myself first before I can touch others and not be a bitter betty.

So, I'm a happy girl... a busy but happy student. Maybe I'll just keep going to school after this... a PhD?! Mind you, this is day two... I must keep the momentum up :) 10 months I've committed to, and 10 months I'll kick butt at.

Anxiety Central

Nerves nerves and more nerves.

The start of my school year consists of a 3 week intensive session, two classes that regularly run 11 weeks, shoved into 8 hours per day, 5 days per week. That's 40 hours in class, and the professors advise planning on 2 hours of homework per hour spent in class. That adds up to 24 hours per day.

I'm waiting on my 6 books in the mail, of which I have to complete one entire book and many reading assignments before my first day.

I quit my job at the city, and quit teaching yoga. I have 5 more work days at the city before departure and a lot of work to do. I'm still waiting to hear back from financial aid about how much money they will loan and grant me. Their first offer just wasn't enough, and was based off of my last tax year, in which I made almost 4X what I did this past year. Hopefully with more information they'll be able to grant me some free money. What a thought!

I'm glad I worked the city job for a year, but it was devastating financially. The employees are bummed I'm leaving to say the least, but I'm setting the next person up for ultimate success, I think. She'll have all her contacts, procedures, all the information I've used and created the last year at her fingertips. I feel like the last year I really made a sacrifice, and that now is coming to an end. I'm entirely focussing on myself and my studies, for the first time in a very long time.

But I'm so nervous, my voice has been shaking, spontaneously crying, and I'm just not well put together. I can do it. I've made it this far, no use in turning back. That was my philosophy running up Madonna last night, only that story ended with me running downhill in pitch black with adrenaline pumping and fear of mountain lions.

Take a breath, ready go!

I made the cut. By next June I will have an MBA from Cal Poly! Until then, it's canned food student loans and no play money.

BUT FIRST, it's 9 nights at Pinecrest Lake, the best place on earth with all those on the planet I love the most!!

Wahooie!

A small breather and then school starts on the 25th of August! What did I get myself into?!

it's go time

My exam is tomorrow morning, bright and early in Santa Maria. I took a practice test yesterday and scored well enough (I think) to be admitted. I do know there are 5 spots left and the decision must be made by the 1st of August, which is in 4 days.

The next few days will be crucial in determining the next year of my life. Friday I head to Big Sur for Sandy's bachelorette and then up to Pinecrest for a good long 9 nights of bliss. Maybe then back to City Hall to wrap up my job or just back to the grind. We'll see how it goes, but I could be starting my program as soon as August 25th, yikes!

My back hurts. I'm stressed and tired and anxious. Tomorrow, at least I should know either way. The wait is almost over.

GMAT to MBA

Graduate School, Graduate School, Graduate School.
I can do it, I will do it, I am doing it.

I'm strong, I can, I will.

It's too easy for me to get distracted from studying for this GMAT test. In the grand scheme of things, it's a big test, but I CAN DO WELL. It has been over 3 years since I've really studied or been held accountable, especially during free time.

I'm scared though. My bank account is growing smaller each month that goes by, steadily. I know in the next 2 months, there needs to be a drastic shift. I either need to get a new full time job or go back to school. I'm aiming for school and in the event I somehow cannot pass this test, I will make do and find a real job, even if it's not perfect. I cannot and will not struggle for much longer... it wrecks me mentally.

I spent the last two days studying math and english just as I spent years doing. It will all come back, and I will be successful.

I just mapped out the last 12 or so weeks of marathon training, and out popped the mantra I used last year for my training and race, I'm strong, I can, I will. It came to me on mile 21 of a 23 mile run where my mom and I were so delirious, we lost the car. I volunteered to spring ahead (yes after that many miles) and drive to get her. The rhythm of my breathing and the rhythm of the mantra matched up perfectly. And I WAS strong, I COULD do it, and I did it... then and now.

Let me bitch.

The sensitivity of water signs... is that my problem?

I received an email this morning from my boss that said 'don't do this' in a way I didn't react very well to. I thought to myself, couldn't she just reword the email to say, 'I think it'd be better if you did this...' instead?

Then I started thinking am I just too sensitive, or is she really difficult? This is someone I haven't enjoyed working with, she's negative, glass half empty, axing all my ideas because they push the edge.

Then I started thinking about how much my mood is affected by that of The Musician's. Do I let myself sway too much with the opinions of others, especially those in authority or who I'm emotionally attached to?

Why can't I keep my own head on straight and just KNOW that I do my best?

I will continue to do what I do, regardless of the tact and consistency of others.

I NEED to spend quality time studying, but I am so distracted. I thought going up to my parent's house would give me plenty of time, but I hardly spend 30 minutes the entire 5 days. I need to make it happen or find a new job.

Last month I spent twice as much as I made, not because I have spending issues, but that my income is so low and cost of living so high.

URGH.

It's hard because I'm always that rock for people, the consistent and stable rock that never moves... but their opinions and reactions and instabilities don't go unnoticed and sometimes I just want to hide from it all!

Murphy's Mercury

Finally a shift. My more mystical friends have made a big deal of Mercury being in retrograde. It's a time when things just go wrong. The actual period of time was from May 26th to June 19th, but things don't straighten out until July 4th. It's exactly what I've heard from 2 other sources, and I can FEEL it.

Last year when Mercury was in retrograde, I deemed it the summer of 'unlove' due to the sheer number of relationships ending within a few week period of time, including my own. It's scary when the universe does things like this. I worked with the general public long enough to know that there are patterns in behavior, and it's subconscious.

Mercury in retrograde is known as the astrological Murphy's Law... if something is going to go wrong, it will. A fine example: George W. Bush was named President of the United States while Mercury was in retrograde. Talk about a f*ck up. That whole Florida thing, yep, retrograde.

I am a water sign, also with fire. The Musician is an earth sign, also with water. I think it's that water quality that makes us both hypersensitive to the activity of the planets. He wasn't being himself, we both knew it... and it was almost unavoidable. Things were destined to go wrong for a few weeks. I didn't give up, when everything told me to do just that... because I knew it wasn't him.

This morning, he woke up and said, "something clicked last night." I then explained the crazy pull of Mercury and what's been going on. Bless him mom for raising him so open to these weirdities. He didn't miss a beat.

Today I feel the shift, I feel like the shit is gone. I think I read that Mercury is in retrograde 4 times a year? I may have to plan to just disappear during those times! That was intense.

Today my sister and parents left for their bike ride until Monday or Tuesday, some long mountainous bike camping trip, I declined attendance for. I'm so not as knarly as the rest of them! California is covered in smoke however, so we'll see if they get caught up in in. Bennett is dropping them off I think near Gualala I think, right off the coast. I'm SO glad they waited until the universe was in a more stable state!

Stability

A man named Maslow created a pyramid, a hierarchy rather or human needs.



I've felt for a while now that my pyramid is unsteady, ironic because the name of my blog is balance. I originally started writing to convey health information to clients/family/friends but in the past few years this has turned into my electronic forum for self expression, in many forms.

Let's start from the bottom. Physiologically I'm good, especially since switching back over to veganism... not to mention 6 lbs lighter in the last 2 weeks and regular digestion. I just need to remember my combination and all is well with the physical.

Safety. Well... the job is not safe, budget cuts just greatly diminished my resources at work, and for an under appreciated program already, the straws are adding up. Resources: I make less than I spend. I'd say in America I'm in good company, but not for my liking. Family-good, health-good, property-don't have any. So the bottom to levels are OK, not entirely safe, but not unsafe.

Love/Belonging, the third level. There are uncertainties in this category. Do I love my family, friends, man? Yes. Is my relationship with The Musician sustainable? As hopeful as I like to be, only time will tell. So is there a knot in my stomach as of late? Indeed, only one herbal remedies and many many miles can cure.

Esteem. My self esteem is in a good place... I need to be careful of it however because I have SO many interactions with SO many people on a regular basis. I sometimes have anxiety about how I've left situations or the impressions I've given to others. Being known by the sugar addicts as the 'snack Nazi' doesn't help, but I'm learning that I have to do what I do regardless of the opinions of others, some won't like me, others will. I know I'm making a positive impact.

Self Actualization: I seem good on this one. How I managed to skip to the top without the foundation is beyond me.

Now there's my current pyramid, but what's good to remember is that this is America. We have it better here than in any other country and completely take advantage of it. I know some people on the planet are in war zones, are starving, being held captive, being abused, etc. So is my life that bad? NO. Are my struggles valid? Yes, but they are insignificant in the eyes of the planet as a whole.

A little heartache, some job uncertainty and financial struggles... I think I can manage without medicating too much. The more I struggle, the more I run. If it lasts much longer, I'm going to be pretty thin.

In Rainbows from the Basement

Is love ever straight forward? Is it ever just easy to fall in love and stay in love? Is it supposed to be a winding road?

Does the love or the connection just ever speak for itself? Is there a one and only? And if so, are both people sure of that at the same time?

In Rainbows from the Basement. That's the name of the Radiohead album I've been listening to over and over again. It came with video on itunes, so you can watch the emotion and expression of their lead singer. Good medicine.

Therapy and Clarity

Today was a day of therapy. A 6 a.m. run, a little city work, a raw/vegan lunch, time on Gary's crystal healing bed with chakra clearing, a hot stone massage and Pilates! I don't like to suffer, obviously. I needed some therapy and some clearing and I did it.

Release and truth be told. It's easier to see something more clearly with a little room to breathe.

Waning with a Twist

It's a waning gibbous. Translation: the full moon is getting smaller. Usually when this happens it signifies the anticlimax to the full moon, when something is ending or going back to normal. I'm hoping for the latter but with a twist.

I have studied behavior during the full moon for years, and I'm sure have written a few times about it on this blog. It tends to bring people from your past back to your present, maybe so you can reclassify them, and also brings climactic moments to situations that needed to come to a head. This full moon for me was nothing short of both those scenarios.

How do you know if the relationship you're in is right? Is there a test you take to show proficiency, an exit exam from one phase to another, or maybe you just know? What happens when one person in the relationship doubts whether they're 'ready' for you. Is that just a cop out for 'I'm just not that into you' or does it mean, 'I could be with you forever but forever isn't in my vocabulary?'. Does the dance of a relationship ever end, or does it continue to change shape with every situation.

I've played the games before, I've been yanked around, I've figured out what I don't want and what I do want... and I'm level headed about myself and my relationship.

My other question is, if you give it all, all the time, what's left for the other person to work for? But what happens when you love someone so much you become a moth to a flame in tough times. Does this prove that too much of a good thing goes bad?

For as many uncertainties that are in my life, I know myself, I know how I feel and what I want, and clear intentions are priceless. Now the only remaining question is, what does the other side of the coin show?

It appears the heat wave is breaking. Maybe today will be 90 degrees instead of 110.

Heat Wave

Hot summer sleepless nights. Yesterday our high temperature was 112 in San Luis Obispo. It was hotter here than in Las Vegas, the desert. Since just about everyone I know doesn't have air conditioning, including many work places, many people are miserable.

I went to the beach both yesterday and today and played in the water for a few hours. Last night, after the beach, Katie and I rolled down to concerts in the plaza, where an older gentleman gave us two fantastic chairs. Unfortunately the music was mediocre, so we moved on to dinner at Novo shortly thereafter. After a bottle of wine, spicy red curry (not so wise on a HOT day) and a ton of water, we walked home and jumped on our beach cruisers to ride off dinner.

I tried to sleep from 11:30 to 2 and finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 5:30 from the heat. The only way I was able to fall asleep was to put frozen edamame beans on me (in the package) until my body temperature was somewhat normal. Holy heat! I napped today on the wood floor with the dogs; the only coolish place around the house. I also hung the hammock today, in hopes of bearable outdoor reading temperatures. The beach today was packed, and a dalmatian dog peed on my shirt.

Hopefully tonight will be light hearted... there's been too much intensity and chaos coming out of the musician lately, and I'm having a troubling time coping with that.

Skinny Bitch

Sometimes I get wound up, about what I'm doing in life, where I work, money, friends, etc. I get into an over-analytical state of mind and become so self critical it's paralyzing.

When traveling back to San Jose, the home of my family, it's like the place is charged with negative ions. Maybe it's the unconditional love and support, no matter my state of mind, and the freedom to do what I want without judgement.

Taylor and I drove up north last Thursday... I got some pool time with my sister, some yoga, some self reflection, a couple runs, a fantastic sail, and a big party for Larry's Birthday and Father's Day. Larry requested a chocolate cake with banana and nutella filling and a bright yellow frosting. So, that's what he got! I used the extra chocolate mouse/nutella blend to paint a brown bird on top. The best part was, the entire cake was vegan... which brings me to my next point.

I've experimented with all kinds of diets, not real diets per say, but dietary habits. For the past few months, I've eaten a lot of fish, eggs, some cheese, frozen yogurt, and regular yogurt. Now common diets would tell you, these things are part of a healthy weight loss program. Not for me. I am 10 lbs heavier than where I like to be, and was a few months ago, and have been exercising a lot.

So, thought back to the 2 times I'd felt the best in my last few years. What were the commonalities? Vegan, yoga, running. It's my perfect combination, where I can lean out and have the body I really love. This time around I've started Pilates reformer classes to really sculpt my lower abs. The musician and I have a contest going where if he gets an 8 pack, I buy him an mp3 player for the pool, and if I get a 6 pack, he buys me designer jeans :)

When I went home, I knew I could easily eat vegan for those 5 days and planned to carry the plan forward. I feel better digestively than I have in months. I've run about 20 miles in the last 3 days which really helps, but my system feels clean. What I like about being vegan is being able to really eat nuts and seeds and know that they are essential to my diet. The protein is fat laden, yes, but good fats that help digestion. And I have good running fuel, I'm not weighed down!

I feel good. I'm starting to see the remnants of that body I've missed so much. So, long story short, I'm ready to be a skinny bitch again.

Dodge Ball

A few days ago I was asked to address an issue with one of the city buildings regarding sweets in the break room. I know that this building it's particularly an issue, people bringing in cakes, donuts, candy bars, etc. on an almost daily basis. I also know that most other city operations work the same way, in fact, my department head and I are working on creating a structure of those foods we deem acceptable to host a meeting with.

So I composed an email and sent it out to all employees at that building. There have been many unhappy employees based on the number of temptations around, and many individuals participate in fitness testing or weight loss activities. Right away, the most opinionated controlling lady sent me an email back voicing 'her side' of the story, which is great. Now there's quite the stir, I'm being called the 'food Nazi' behind my back. I can't win... I don't get paid enough for this crap.

Frustrated by the stir and by my reputation being bounced around like a dodge ball, I decided to check those salary tables again, just to justify my need for a change. Yes, I make a significant amount less than all other employees, including parks maintenance, golf course supervisor, administrative assistants, etc.

I am in fact the head of the Wellness Program, and in this organization it means supporting an army, never being able to please everyone, dealing with two of the most vulnerable issues--weight and food, and not making rent.

Cheers to wellness!

Holy Ashtanga!

This morning at 10 AM I met a few friends (mostly yoga teachers) at the Sanitarium in SLO for Ashtanga practice. I haven't practiced full primary series probably in years. It felt so damn good! I had forgotten what a balanced practice it feels like. Of course there were those poses that I despise and just try to stay centered in, but it felt really nostalgic. Ashtanga was the first practice I did regularly, and by regularly I mean 1-2 days per week. Now, regularly is at least 4 days per week, but back then, 2 was all I could swallow.

Jonathan, the teacher, would say things like, "the mouth is for eating, nose is for breathing" or "ankle pain-no problem, that's good". He was very intertaining and very knowledgeable.

My body was done by the closing sequence. I had coffee this morning, and that practice has enough fire to burn out my caffeine high. I hopped on my bike to ride home where I plopped down to a huge bowl of fruit salad and greek style yogurt with flax and agave. Yum. I will feel that practice tomorrow, no doubt.

A few cool events in SLO town today--the Raw Foods Cafe is opening at Smiling Dog today at 4, and Mark (Hana's husband) is having a 50th birthday party tonight... which should be a mix of the most eclectic folks--all ages, all open and loving. It should be a great time.

I'm really enjoying my alone time today, with just my little pup. I don't think I am getting enough of it. I think it's a scorpio thing to get attached when in love, and I feel a little imbalanced in it. I love my man, but I can't forget to love myself first. The maternal, selfless side in me wants to make sure that both he and Tay are loved and taken care of first, but that's not always sustainable if my needs aren't met. The fault is only my own. I head up to San Jose on Wednesday evening for a Thursday conference and then a few days of studying for the GMAT and playing with mi familia. I need it. I don't spend enough time with those pillars in my life; the people I could never shake--even if I tried; mom, Christa, and Larry. I'm a very lucky girl to have such a rockin' support system.

I guess I should start the laundry and cleaning process, but after that practice, I'm pooped!

I took some shots of The Musician at the wedding last weekend... here is one of my favorites:

New Moon, New Intentions

Yesterday I was thumbing through the blogs I read semi-regularly, and afterwards I just hit the 'next blog' button on the upper left of the screen... the first one I came to, I found a picture of the current moon phase. Since I'm shamelessly a moon watcher, and love to know what the lunar cycle is doing, I figured out how to put it on my blog, hooray! Now you can know exactly what phase the moon is in right here on my blog spot!

The Musician just called with one of his disguised voices from an unidentified number. I am so gullible that I usually fall for it, but I figured it out after only about 30 seconds this time. He's so funny.

Off to work at the city. I'm doing weigh outs for the 'Biggest Winner' contest we held this past 8 weeks. The results so far are superb, with the men losing anywhere from 10-25 lbs and women 5-10 lbs.

This weekend, GMAT is my name-o.

Weddings...

It's Tuesday; back to the grind. This weekend was amazing... so much fun. We left Saturday morning and stopped in San Jose to see my parents and friends for lunch, and made it up to Healdsburg by 4ish. We took a slight detour through the city as we had too much fun snapping funny faces of each other in the truck and missed 880. So we made it in to the city and missed the 101 entrance, then missed the 580 entrance, and just decided to call it a wash, people watch and enjoy the view. If you can't change the situation, make due, blast the radio and enjoy the company you're with.

Saturday night I spent meeting endless seas of people, all of which were very nice and welcomed me with open arms. We called it an early night so we could watch the first CBS publicized MMA fights. I don't know how I've gotten into this, but I really like it. Sunday we slept in, drank coffee and ate bran muffins in bed, I went for a run while The Musician strummed the guitar. We took a brief wine tasting tour and got ready for the wedding.

Of course we got lost and made it just in time. The wedding was small--about 100 people, very elegant, yet casual. The humor was light, jokes large and drinking heavy. It made for good times.

So the bouquet toss. I (being a bit marriage phobic) pushed all the tall girls in front of me while I happily stayed way in the back. Wouldn't you know it, the damn thing came right to me... I didn't even move at all, but rather just put my hands out at hip level to make sure it didn't drop. Yikes! Good thing I'm not superstitious.

The party was great, food, drinks, dancing, a bar afterwards and safely returning to some good ol' fried food at 1AM. Oh, our key didn't work at the hotel which left me sitting frustrated and tired in the hall and Sam moving mountains to get us in our room. We survived, happy and back to the grind!

Shift, Grad, Life

Napa this weekend for a wedding with The Musician. It seems there's been a shift in the energy of the universe this week... maybe it's just the waning moon, or a shift in the stars, but I was liking last week's energy better.

I sent my graduate school application yesterday and although I'm not the strongest candidate, I'm hopeful. The city job will most likely be 3/4 time next July with 3/4 benefits... which may work if I'm not enrolled in grad school and still doing the same thing. I feel like that's unlikely though. Usually when I get the itch to change, I find the best and quickest way to implement it. Maybe it was my ever-so-nurturing mom who never let me suffer, but I really have trouble putting my head down and working hard when I'm not fulfilled on many levels.

Life is an interesting thing. I feel like we humans dance around each others lives, especially in this town. I saw my old organic chemistry lab partner this morning as I was running and she was biking... both big grins on our faces. This town really forces people to get over resentment and harvested negative emotion. You see, on any given day in SLO, I can run into someone from my favorite eatery, an old boyfriend, an old coworker or two as well as friends or classmates, teachers, fire fighters or bus drivers... the faces start to all become familiar, with the exception of the new students, which are usually at school then at the bars at night. The interactions can be pleasant surprises or not so pleasant surprises. I guess it keeps us all on our toes!

Sea of Change

Memorial Day Weekend 08. Five years ago, my friends Sandy and Dave started their relationship at lake Nacimiento while we partied on Dave's boat with thousands of other people around. They're getting married this year in September.

My health has improved ten fold, and I'm back to my loved activities--swimming, biking, yoga, lifting weights, etc. My lung capacity isn't what it was, and I'm still coughing up remnants, but I feel 90% better. Sometimes it takes getting knocked on your butt to appreciate what you have in your life.

On another note, I'm applying for graduate schools. I've realized that if I want to live a decent lifestyle and eventually buy a house, I have to step up my game, and in this town that means my education. Bachelor's degrees are like a dime a dozen in this town. Everyone has one, and I'd say 3% make enough to live comfortably and even invest. Most of the other people here are older folks who've made their money elsewhere, or kids who inherit significant amounts of cash or real estate and stick around.

I'm applying for the intense 10 month MBA program at Cal Poly, starting this Fall. I love what I do now, but I can't struggle anymore; I can't worry about making rent every month, or the missing income if I need a sick day or a vacation. I'm in a position where I consult on the health and well being of up to 350 city employees, a handful of PT clients and 180 yoga students per month, meanwhile, I have to think twice about making ends meet constantly.

I did change my mindset a while ago... and I am abundant, and another degree with solidify that goal.

Still Sick

Yesterday I felt like I'd beat this thing! Today I'm a train wreck again. My chest is congested, my throat is congested. At least I'm starting to cough it up :O)

If I only got paid for sick days. Gee, what a thought.

Sickling Saturday

I missed teaching in the Yogathon, an event I've been looking forward to for a very long time, and the Wine Festival in Paso Robles. Thursday morning I woke up with a sore throat. My energy level was so low that I skipped my workout and opted just to teach yoga, and even that was a stretch.

Friday morning I seemed OK, ran a few miles and headed off to work, to a much disappointing conversation with my supervisor. At our last meeting, the option of me being a permanent employee (with benefits and all) seemed certain. Yesterday, she was trying to figure out what would suffice short of that. I told her nothing would suffice, really. If I hadn't landed a full time gig by next fall, I was destined for graduate school, period.

After that conversation, ironically or not, I started sneezing, coughing, snot running. Uncertain if I was sick or had allergies (like most folks around here) I prayed it was illness, because that would have a definitive end.

I had a massage, went for a swim, picked up a very petite, freshly shaven Taylor and headed home. It continued to worsen, so The Musician fed me some medicine and dinner and put me to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night to a restless Musician and dog and needed more medicine and a shower to get more sleep. I couldn't breathe out of my nose, couldn't stop coughing, had a head ache, body aches and a slight fever.

I didn't get out of bed for the majority of yesterday, making me feel a bit sluggish! My night ended with more medicine, a live private music performance and falling asleep in the living room chair. I was kindly tucked in and blink... I woke up this morning, feeling more like 75% rather than 10%.

Today I was domestic, laundry, ironing clothes and napkins (surprises even myself!), chores, plants, etc... the ironing was done just in my skivvies due to the temperature today, and my neighbors (2 girls) walked by my back door and giggled. Was it me, or what was written on the back of my chonies?

Anywho, I'm feeling better, but lacking exercise. With the pool closed and the temperatures high, I'm contemplating my plan of action. Maybe I'll change the tire on my road bike and go for a cruise? Or maybe take little yellow dog out for a cruise instead... at least now I can breathe out of my nose!

Yellow Throne

I decided a while ago to paint my bathroom.

After my swim yesterday I decided to make it happen. I didn't want to go to the store, or spend money, so I went to the garage where I found some old living room paint and a 2 1/2 inch brush. At almost midnight, mission accomplished!

I blasted music and found some yen time covering way too much space with way too small a brush... well I guess that would depend on who you asked. I pretended I was a mural painter.

Voila! Pink bathroom by day, yellow bathroom by night!

Rinse & Repeat

When I was hiking with the puppy and Hana a few days ago, he got pretty spooked by the cow herd we were walking through. Against his will, I tried to force him to walk, but he was too paralyzed by fear. So, I picked him up and carried him. This is Katie's 45 lb chocolate lab puppy, Dexter. I took note of his actions after our pack passed their herd. His hair was standing up straight, clearly a reaction from his surroundings, and then he shook it all off from head to tail... and afterwards was just fine.

I just went for my first distance swim in probably 8 months. I've been wearing myself out and then going to swim just to stretch out, but today swimming was my sport. I did the Sandra D. workout consisting of 200 pull, 200 kick, 200 swim, rinse, repeat. I went through just about 3 times, rounding out my workout at 1700 meters, just over a mile. It felt great; such a high... I was finally free.

I've somehow created body-image-based social swimming anxiety, BIBSSA we'll call it. I just made that up, but I've decided to ditch it... and also have shaken off my encounter yesterday. It's all for the best; we are both in better places now. I came to one other realization while swimming, well a couple more:

1. rinsed off Mr. Bar and Andy's PDAs
2. set new intentions for a vegetable based and dairy free diet, and will start juicing again
3. to look at things more positively than negatively, focus on optimism, keep a smile on my face!
4. to swim for exercise, regardless of how I feel I look
5. to be prosperous!

I've been thinking lately of the perceptions of my father, not Larry, but my biological father. His attitude was always half empty, he's always trying to do something, never really achieving... and I fear that my perceptions are similar. I say was because I don't know him anymore, and he doesn't know me. I feel sometimes I put so much positivity out in the universe for work, when I get home, The Musician and Tay get the decompressing version of me.

I love The Musician... with my entire being; he's an amazing man. I hope my neurotic processing doesn't scare him away... but I think his processing isn't unlike my own.

Eggs over Surprise

This week hasn't been a balanced one--in fact I found myself on the verge of tears a handful of times. On the contrary, there were also some really good parts of my week; reconnecting with friends, good workouts.

The Bartender left for a river trip yesterday for 3 weeks. We talked on the phone a few days ago, when he suggested we get together for dinner or lunch. This week's lunch and dinner slots were already filled, so I asked if he could do Friday morning breakfast. He said he was leaving too early in the morning, so I told him I'd call him back if I found some time. I was bummed as I was craving Big Sky breakfast--and even contemplated going alone.

So I never called back, as I didn't have the open time. I was walking downtown for an appointment yesterday (Friday) when who do I see walking towards me? The Bartender and Andy--the new girlfriend. It's not a big deal, but it stung. They were going to my spot, to Big Sky, where I used to work and him. They couldn't help but to make PDAs right in front of me, and all she managed to do was to giggle. All of which I could have lived without, thanks very much.

Some of our mutual friends have described (in detail) what they dislike about her and that somehow makes me feel better, but the image in my head of walking into his room to a half naked Andy and The Bartender will never disappear. They did look happy yesterday--and that makes me happy. I'm glad I wasn't drinking when I met her or I may have heckled her a bit.

I tried to let it go, I still am working hard at it, and it's easier for the fact that I adore The Musician and I'm very happy with him, and also for the fact that I don't want to be with The Bartender... but that being the culmination to my week--I'm fragile, still digesting.

I'm almost certain I will go back to school. I may even see if I can get into the Fall program, but then financial aide wouldn't kick in. I'm sick of having too many commitments, too many hats. I feel ungrounded and uncentered, and for a yoga teacher, that doesn't fit. I can't help others unless I myself am together. I sometimes feel like it's a show, I pretend I'm all these things, some of which I start to believe.

It's time to create another big dream and make it happen.

Just breathe; you don't want him anyway.

The lesson is: sometimes you can never prepare yourself for old lesions to be prodded at again.

Home Time

I've been gone the past two weekends, and although I had a blast both places, I'm exhausted. I miss the lazy weekend days of cleaning the house and washing Tay.

I worked only about 7 hours today, complete with 2 presentations, then went home to get ready for the gym... but on the way to the gym, I felt so stressed by the errands-the bank, post office, wash the car, grocery store, etc., that I just started knocking them out. I arrived home about an hour later only to spend 2 more hours cleaning house, until I could think straight again.

There's something in me that needs cleanliness and order; if I don't have the structure, I lose it. I become a big anxiety ball and shut down mentally, pathetic, I know.

I'm pretty much in love with my chair massager. I bought it a few years ago, and have only recently really fallen for it. After spending a lot more time sitting than usual, it really helps to have a little shiatsu action!

So, I know my situation right now is sketchy work-wise. I know that it's not perfect, but I'm amazed at the reaction it provokes in others... they all want to help, or at least contribute advise. Everyone has some input for me, and frankly, I'm a little tired of it. In fact, I feel like it clouds my vision. The advise comes from everyone, those in the inner and outer circles, and also mere acquaintances! I AM really flattered that so many individuals have a genuine interest in my well being, but I'm doing just fine! I'm on a path, I'm getting my ducks in a row. Anyway, I think I've vented about this before.

I've set some new goals for myself exercise-wise, which should be fun to fulfill :O)

Happy Girl

The clouds have continued to lift in my world the last week or two. I've tried so hard to change my outlook; to change my perception of my reality, in addition to changing my relationship with money. I have been the first to give it away and the last to receive it; it's no wonder I sometimes struggle.

I've taken the time to reset some goals and boundaries, and I feel fantastic.

I have so much fun teaching yoga... and although my style is a bit, well, unconventional, I know the message is important and well received. I absolutely love Smiling Dog, which has continued to flourish since its January opening.

I've had two workouts so far today and one more to go... weight lifting this morning, running at lunch, and yoga tonight. Maybe I'll swim after yoga... ?

Anyway, it's another beautiful day... hopefully the weather stays.

Beautiful Spring in SLO

What a beautiful weekend!

The last few weeks at the City job have been intense, but after successfully hosting 4 blood draw mornings, testing 42 fire fighters and pinching and weighing 50 people for the Biggest Winner contest, I was very happy at 5:00 PM Friday. A few sunny days to breathe!

On Friday I pinched and weighed in for the contest, along with my fabulous Cal Poly Intern, Nickole. I went over to Kennedy Club to do the calculations, where I also had my body fat records for the last 3 years, every few months. I remember what kind of shape I was in by the test. For instance, after being strict vegan for one month, my % was 17.8, before that it was about 20%. Before my marathon, also having eaten mostly vegan, I got down to 16%, which is pretty low... anything under 18% is considered underweight, but I know, I am by no means under weight. We used different calipers this time, but the results were astounding. Everyone's % came out way high, including my 28%! Now, knowing I'm only 5 lbs above my marathon weight, it can't be entirely accurate, but motivation enough to clean up my act.

I'll be hosting meetings for contestants, but for me, here's my plan... mostly vegan again, maybe some fish. No meat, no dairy, no white or processed flours, no sugars... now I say NO, but that really means very infrequently. Running about 3-6 days per week, bike riding at least to yoga 3 days per week, lifting 2 times per week and maybe an occasional swim, and of course the 5 yoga classes I teach per week. I already bumped up the exercise and cleaned up the plate... starting with Raw Foods Night at pH Blue in Atascadero. A few of my friends/yoga students/hooping teachers live in this amazingly hippy house in A town, and their Raw nights are filled with love and openness, and of course good raw food! I drove up with Peter(our Esalen teacher), Tawny and Athena... who are just preparing for their Europe adventure for Peter's yoga teaching. Both he and Tawny are amazing instructors and human beings... Athena, born 2 days before and many years after me, is a beautiful goddess angel at 6 months old, with her momma's beautiful red hair :O)

Saturday I hiked around Madonna Mountain, took some good yoga, caught up with friends, then went to see Sam play at Level 4 in Paso with Betsy. The acoustics were a little funky, but they rocked the show as always. Sam just smiled at me while he watched several men approach me and me playing social judo to kindly explain I was committed.



Today is Sunday, I taught this morning, then cleaned, did the wash and headed to Sam's where we played soccer in the elementary school by his house. He claims to have not played since junior high, but he was pulling off some crazy moves! He's an ultra athlete... can hit huge bombs in baseball/softball, golfs exceptionally well, swims like crazy, runs, lifts light weight, plays basketball, football, I'm sure the list goes on... we had a blast... and it was so hot outside! Sam would throw Tay a few balls and Tay would then retire to the shade and smile at us.

On Friday I took a chai break with my department head who had amazing and very optimistic things to say about me and my employment opportunities at the City. It's looking good... I will continue to work my behind off indefinitely but I am again hopeful, and having Nickole working on my project with me is amazing.

All and all, life is good. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful man, a beautiful dog, a beautiful family (I don't see enough!) and a beautiful Spring :O)

Clear the Crap

It's funny to me how cleaning my life compares to cleaning a 50 meter pool. First you drain it, getting rid of all the obvious crap and impurities, and a suction is created by the drainage, using momentum to carry some less than obvious shit away in the chaos, but once the pool is drained the majority of the way, further work needs to be done. We must sweep and scrape and coax the dirt to leave... as stubborn as it may be.



And yet still a bit of water remains, and the more we sweep, the more the crap keeps coming to the surface...



We can coax and trick and tempt, but in the end, maybe we just come to terms with the last bit of remaining sediment and carry on?

Buddha Buddha

Time for this Buddha to get unstuck.

Last night I spent a few cloudy hours digging up my cobwebs and repositioning myself, my life, my furniture, my things... all to new homes.

I've just begun reading If the Buddha got Stuck, and within the first few pages, it was apparent why both a friend and my mom recommended the read within the time span of about a week.

I've been stuck in dissonance. The place before change, when you know change is coming but you pull the old deer in the headlights gig until further notice. I'm done with that... I'm over it. I'm done with the struggle. I need no one to save me, no one to tell me what their way leads to, what I'm doing wrong or right. I'm done. The dissonance creates anxiety, the anxiety creates compulsive, stressed out craziness. Yuck.

It's time for me to nest in my home, in my beautiful sanctuary, without the paralyzing buzz of the television, but always the good smells of herbs, sage, good cookin' and golden retriever. My house. My struggle has been partially due to this high rent piece of yellow and purple pie I live in, and if I'm too stressed to enjoy it, what the crap?

So here are my new intentions:

1. Fix what's broken, move the shit forward, keep it all wheeling.

2. To not dwell on a situation, any situation. Detachment. The over attachment to things, particularly pleasurable is one of yoga's Kleshas, the things we use the Eight Limbs to rid ourselves of. Excess attachment; raga.

3. To live each day and play each day like there was no way I'd rather be living life... as if all my needs are 100% being met, by myself first and foremost.

4. To not personalize the actions of others. I know that what other people think of me is none of my business.

5. To truly and uninhibitedly be me, at all times.

At yoga class on Thursday, I was a little more of a 'loony toon' than usual. I was having such a joyful, blissful time in class, that the way I chose to end class was to create a circle of laughter. You got it, for a few minutes, we just laughed. Pretty powerful stuff, joy.

Perhaps it's the Aries energy putting a little strength in my stride? On that note, I'm off for a 13 mile run/walk to clear this cloudy dome.

Glass

I sold a photo! It's an 'abstract glass' 9 by 12 canvas.

I've had some work posted on The Untapped Resource, a photography site for a few months. But with very little traffic to the site, I haven't sold any work--until today!

Someone decided to buy one! Although that only amounts to a few dollars, it means a lot.

I've been thinking about a turn in the road, perhaps a new career route... photography is one option, but I'd need to put some focus and energy into it. Wedding photography would be fun, or portraits. What a creative job!

I decided to run the full 26.2 marathon again... and started a few training runs this weekend. It really just gave me the focus and consistency I needed last year. It's hard to let anything get you down when you run so much.

I'm booked with fire department testing all week this week, and hopefully I'll have everyone done by next Friday.

The musician and I are heading up to the bay area on Friday to see Susan's Beau Cung fight one of the Shamrock brothers. It should be a good one! Coming from someone who has been so timid around fighting her whole life, I'm opening up to the sport of it. I still cover my eyes for the blood of course.

That shot I took, abstract glass is really about seeing the world in a different perspective, and that's exactly what I need to do right now... filter some of this worry and anxiety to see a brand new light.

Try not to scream

It's been since Saturday that I've had intense nerve pain in my shoulder and neck. The smallest movements are excruciating, and I feel like I've tried it all--massage, chiropractic, rest... but I'm starting to just get frustrated.

The Chiropractor did say that the levator scapulae, one of the main culprits is also known as the stress muscle. But ironically, when I'm injured, I can't teach or work comfortably, adding to my already stressed financial situation, not to mention the cost of the 3 chiropractic visits this week.

The only thing that feels good is ice, maybe I need to jump in the ocean?

I'm trying to do two things: to forgive and to be grateful... but being grateful for pain in the neck is a hard one to swallow, it must be here for a reason, to teach me something.

Positivity. Light. Love. Health. Well being. Healing.

Running for ME

I had an epiphany the other night as I was running Taylor. It had been a long day, and an even longer week, and I'd had a few shorter runs (4-6 miles) but nothing really requiring any endurance. So I got ready, put my sneakers on, and was prepared to say goodbye to my faithful golden retriever, who can still run 6 miles, but starts to slow down and spend more time smelling the flowers... really the pee on the flowers, but the first description makes for a better visual.

As I was walking out the door, he gave me that puppy dog look, so I played fetch for about 10 minutes in hopes of tiring him out before I snuck out... no luck. He kept giving me that look, not taking his eyes off me, so I let him come along. I neglected to bring a leash... he really doesn't need one with the exception of that extra flower smelling time he takes, when I just want to get home.

After about 3 miles, he began to lag, and I just got frustrated. I thought to myself, "this is why you were going to go alone today!" but I couldn't stay mad as his intentions are so pure and so loving and unconditional.

Then I started to realize that this is my relationship with work too. I take on other's needs before my own, feeling obligation to the commitments I've made to their health, without considering my financial health. But like a moth to a flame, I keep the commitments I know aren't sustainable and don't serve me anymore...

I applied for another batch of jobs today... a variety of different positions ranging from Executive Assistant positions to Spa Manager work. Who knows what will come through, or if I can make my positions now sustainable? I love SLO town, but the jobs are so few and far between... it's taking a significant amount of effort.

Yesterday, even with the pinched nerve in my shoulder, I ran/hiked 9 miles. It was either that or lay in bed and cry because the pain was so intense. It's amazing what some endorphins and adrenaline will do!

I went to visit a neuro-chiropractor this morning, more on that to come!

Such is Life

I'm listening to the sweet voice of Ray LaMontagne, he's become a fixture in my nightly unwind. He sings of idealistic romanticism, words so refreshingly sweet. I'm reminded of the boat trips in Cozumel listening to my ipod while the family dove, imagining my sweet musician at home.

My transition back to work has been less than smooth. I had an ecstatic weekend of bliss after the week of elation... but Monday morning hit hard. I ended up in tears at my staff meeting, unexpectedly.

I don't want this to be a blog about my imbalances and struggles. When I started writing a few years ago, my intention was to make a blog with wellness information, with a few personalized stories to emphasize my points... but the more years I spend in the wellness industry, I realize there is a HUGE disconnect, and I find myself writing the crap out.

We are the individuals responsible for the well being of many, many people, yet in this field, the pay is so little that 90% of us struggle just to make ends meet, if even accomplishing that feat. I've started to look at jobs outside my field... I guess I've been too optimistic in thinking someday my position would be full time, when in reality, I lack the support of that notion from my department.

I'm so deep in the work I'm doing, I struggle with the outstanding commitments I have, but in reality, I dig myself at least $500 deeper each month I stay where I am. I've been slowly sinking deeper and deeper, and using the money I had saved from my Audi. This is the first month it's all gone, all of it, and the panic is on.

I made an intention board this weekend, while still in the blissful state, envisioning all that I'd like to come and manifesting the future. The words "Industry Compensation" sit above a picture of a piggy bank filling with money. It's coming, even if I have to sacrifice an ideal position for one I can stand, and stability I can stand upon.

Se la vi.

Here is the only pic of me from Esalen with my friend Zander, striking a pose:

aahhhhh Esalen

Today is my first day home from Esalen. I attended Peter Sterios' week long yoga training at Esalen in Big Sur. I'd always heard stories about it, and have even attended amazing workshops at other retreat centers, but this was epic.

Our group was of about 30, from all over the world... Turkey, Portland, etc. The first evening we all sat in a circle and talked about how we'd arrived; what inspired us to come.



Each day we had dynamic yoga class from 7-9, and then all day free to roam, soak in the sulfur tubs, hike, play frisbee, soccer, read, nap, write, bond, etc. Our next class was 4-6 where we did about an hour of restorative and then meditated anywhere from 30-50 minutes... silently cross legged. A man named Moose played the hang (an amazing spaceship shaped instrument) for each class of ours, which was amazing. He stared off into the ocean and the beautiful drumming filled the room, in sync with the energy of the class.

I got a lot out of it. I've practiced his style before, Gravity and Grace he calls it, and it's juicy. His architecture background comes through in his teachings with the precision and elegance of his words, but he doesn't mess around. Peter's directions feel like orders, and you don't want to be the one doing them wrong. I understand why he approaches classes in this way, and he does get a more dedicated practitioner, because others don't continue to show up.

The type of student Peter attracts needs description, but no description could really do us all justice. They're open, many which are teachers themselves, inspired, hopeful, dedicated, liberated, body expressionists. There were many afternoons of lying around massaging each other... a lot of love to be shared. Although the sulfur tubs were clothing optional--and I didn't see anyone with clothing on... there wasn't a vibe of sexuality AT ALL. It was more of an open hippy fest (an outsider would call it) where we chanted and sang, watched whales and dolphins play.

Everything is located right on the cliffs in Big Sur, that jagged coastline that's oh so picture perfect, has tubs hanging over the edge, the dance dome where we did our yoga, danced and meditated was 2 feet from the cliff.

My partners in crime:


The food too was exquisite! All local fresh organic produce, an all day/all night bread bar with all the accoutrements. Most of the staff either pays to live there or gets paid very little, so they all have a strong desire to be present... the kitchen was always buzzing with music and dancing.

So now I'm home. But the view from that dome will remain with me...

Bikram Shmikram

I went to Bikram this morning. I know, I know...

I was thinking last night that I just needed to sweat. During my regular yoga practice, I'm lucky if one drop of sweat cultivates. So I decided to try my 2nd Bikram class ever, I figure at 6 AM I wouldn't have time to think, I'd just do it... and I did.

Wanting to be anonymous, feeling like I was sort of walking into the lions den, I thought at 6 AM I'd blend in... to my surprise, one of my Vinyasa students was next to me after the lights switched on.

The experience was enjoyable for the most part, the teacher talked non-stop, I mean continuously. About 75% through the class, she seemed to aggravate herself or perceived the class was aggravated, and her energy shifted. Maybe I pay too close of attention. It was obvious I didn't know right from wrong, and somehow she knew my name, although I sure as hell didn't tell her!

They encourage locked knees, something I DO NOT encourage, and she'd yell at me if my knee wasn't locked out... "lock lock lock the knee!" "Pull the chin to knee, chin to knee, pull, pull pull!" I liked it, don't get me wrong, but that scene from the Wedding Planner kept coming into my head, where Adam Sandler is bitter and pissed off and turns to a stranger and says "I hate you." I kept saying that in my head...

"Lock, lock the knee!"

"I hate you."

And that was enough to make me smile inside and continue on.

Another thing was all the flipping from back to stomach, stomach to back, back to stomach, what the f*ck? And then Savasana at the end of class, the instructor leaves the room and says enjoy, and 99% of the class gets up!

I'll likely go back.

I like the sweat factor, but these Bikram instructors are nuts! I have some bones to pick with this Bikram guy.

Holy Yoga!

23 people in class tonight :O)

Word got out.

Car, Run, Breathe

So it came through... the red volvo that is. I bought it ironically on Valentine's Day. I researched a lot, and really feel like I got a great deal on a great (affordable) car. I've already been enjoying being mobile around town. Granted in the last 3 days I've barely driven 10 miles, but still, it's the convenience of having it if I NEED it, in the dark, in the cold. I still prefer to walk and bike whenever I can.

I've spent the last 5 days or so primarily helping the musician move... paint, prep, pack, sort, trash, transplant, etc. Finally today we arrived at the finish line, almost. There are minor things to orchestrate, but nothing drastic. I've been fine helping, I enjoy it really, but today I hit my max. I needed to run, fast and far. The last few runs I've taken haven't quenched my thirst. I've been gone so much that I feel like taking Taylor is a must, but he slows after a few miles, and likes to stop and smell the flowers, really it's the pee on the flowers, but I imagine the first scenario.

So I ditched Tay and took off, running super fast. I was heading for my 9 mile loop, even though it's been over a week since I've put any miles in. I sprinted for about 1 mile and then slowed to a jog, I decided to cut it at about 6 miles and opted to attend the Yin and Flow class at Smiling Dog... a wise decision.

Lisa, the instructor and studio owner, said something that resonated with me, well many things, but this one in particular...

all exercise stresses the body.

I'm thinking that a daily yoga practice is really the cure to all ailments and imbalances. Pranayama is the golden ticket.

1103 part 2

Now I'm a little bit superstitious... OK maybe a lot. I got a call today from a number ending in 1103, weird seeing as I'd just written 2 days ago about that very number and it's relation to my life. In that same last blog, I'd commented on the red volvo.

Turns out the call was from the owner of that red volvo, telling me that he'd found another car for himself to purchase and was I still interested? I will make my way over there one more time, with low expectations.

Last night turned out to be quite a drunken disaster. I rarely rarely drink, with the exception of one glass of wine, or one beer maybe once a week. Well last night I was on a mission it seemed. I felt myself on shaky ground, unable to calm myself to stability.

So I did a small bit of retail therapy... new jeans will make any girl smile, and then went for dinner and drinks with Betsy. We laid on the beach in the sun today prior to the downtown trip, it was so beautiful, and continues to be so beautiful! After 2.5 very full glasses of wine, she dropped me off, and I proceeded to roam downtown. The rest is a history, some drinks, some friends, more drinks... one sick girl on unstable ground. That one gets filed in the vault.

Now is my day to pick up the pieces and put my head on straight. Teaching yoga class with a hang over is not recommended... and the owner of Smiling Dog attended class today. Luckily enough, she's the kindest of souls and is supportive and loving, even in my toxicity. I taught a good class I feel, but it took more effort than normal to get my body to move and prompt the words out of my head.

1103. Maybe I just shouldn't look into things so much... or maybe since I've detached from the idea of it, it's reappeared?

1103

There's a house at the end of my street I look at at least once a day. The street address is 1103... which is my birthday, November 3rd. Usually when you see a street number, you simply read it or not, depending on your motives. Street numbers don't really stand out, but this house stands out to me.

1103 is on the front of the house twice, within a few feet of the other, but on separate sides of the same wall. They say the exact same thing, not unit A or #2, but simply 1103, both of them.

There are always two ways to look at things, and that thought is provoked each time I pass this small house. Is it a Comic Sans day or rather a Times New Roman day?

The lessons I'm currently working on are
1. Not harvesting too much attachment... to people, to possessions, to food...
2. Not assuming what others are thinking, or anticipating the next move. I am the only one responsible for my happiness.

I've been handing out these wisdom and thought cards at the end of class, and people read them out loud if they'd like to. It's mind therapy, after the body therapy. I learn so much from yoga, and the ever changing teachers and practices. My classes have been super sized with the opening of the new studio. The energy is just so undeniably pure and rich, people have been flocking. My class last night housed 15, and before the new opening, I had 10 max. 10-15 is now consistent :O)

The red volvo fell through. A friend of mine doesn't tell people much not to jinx it from happening, which I didn't entirely understand. When you're excited, shouldn't you share it? When I told people of the possibility of this pretty red car, I had a feeling in my gut that this would be my lesson. True to the premonition, the guy decided not to sell. He did show me a 1990 Jetta trashed by a teenager as a consolation. Too kind. He hoped I wasn't offended.

It was my own fault, because I'd already imagined the I heart Yoga sticker on my rear window.

And such is life... so it goes. Maybe that's my sign to keep riding my bike... and take the bus when it rains. Maybe, maybe not.

On the Path

I signed up for health insurance today, if they accept my application that is. It's been a few months I've survived without it this go round, and anticipating the snowboarding trip to come next week, I thought maybe insurance would be nice to have just in case. I'm not convinced that I'll use it too often, but at least I'll have the option.

The rain is getting to me. After my soaking Tuesday last week, I've hesitated to spend much time outside in this weather. There have been a few breaks in which I've enjoyed a hike or walk, but I'm off the running wagon for a few days. Last night I got cozy in bed on the heating blanket, pretending to be a reptile... which has really become my routine as of late. I read my JivaMukti yoga book, in my effort for self teacher training due to the lack of funding in my present life.

The book is fabulous, but the wind was too crazy! The lattice on the front porch was swinging 6 feet into the air and crashing into the window. The metal archway on the side house was clanging every few seconds. I tried to meditate through it, I tried... but I finally called for backup and was swept up by a prince back to his toasty cave. I felt like such a baby! I remembered all those days of hiding from the storms when I was little, and being so mad that my family wanted to be out in it... I guess some things never change.

I've been searching the internet for cars, and there are some affordable ones that aren't too shabby! Whenever I finally get another vehicle, this experience has changed my life forever. No longer will I rely on only a car for transportation when I have 2 good legs and 3 beautiful bikes. Ultimately I think I will buy another car, for the freedom really. Being able to drive to the beach alone is a gift, or to take Taylor somewhere, anywhere. I have so many people in my life willing to help support me, loan their cars, etc., but I am one independent and stubborn girl, who likes to be alone much of the time!

At least now I'm insured.

Stubborn Girl, Puddles for Shoes

So today it poured, hard. I woke up for my 7 AM Kennedy clients at about 5:30, knowing I needed to figure out transportation. I looked up the bus schedule last night and knew the bus left City Hall at 6:25 AM, perfect to get me to the club by 7. I remember seeing the bus pass me many days riding out.

So I look outside (in the dark) at 6:15 and think, I'm a trainer for goodness sakes! So I put on my waterproof shell (thanks mom and Larry) and head outside. It didn't seem to be raining that hard when I left, so I packed my backpack full of lunch and a few things and headed out. 2 minutes on the bike, I knew I'd made a dreadful mistake. I was drenched, luckily just on the outside.

So I rode along in the dark, with my headlight, helmet, and flasher on my back. I made it there in record time (talk about motivation) but arrived drenched. Everyone who saw me reacted, in one way or another. I headed to the locker room where I stripped down and rung out my socks... quite literally. Then I tried to blow dry my socks and shoes--not working AT ALL. So on went the soaking wet socks and shoes, only to squish around and prune my feet for the next 5 hours.

After many clients and no break, I finally went downstairs and bought a new pair of socks and blow dried my shoes, the best I could. Then I ate chocolate cake. Yes, I did. My rule today is, if you endure something awful, enjoy the indulgences you don't normally allow. So I had cake, a tuna melt (with cheese!) and sour dough bread with a side of corn chips. All crap I never have, but damn it, I deserved it.

Riding there wasn't as bad as riding home because that early, no one can see you. At 3 PM, everyone stares. Great.

Take the bus next time Jenna, seriously.

Chips and Guac

A few pictures from Mexico...

Tequila: the cat who I shared my fish tacos with, and probably turned into quite the beggar... I couldn't help it, she was too cute!



Near Punta Sur, a look out with not much life to see... a few birds, no crocs, and a crab.



Painted entrance to No Name Bar.



The cruise ships a pooping people...



The Mexico diet :O)

Separation

While I was single, my solution to the lonesome feelings was to buy myself flowers... sometimes lilies, sometimes tulips, but orchids became the favorite. Orchids can be a bit tricky, I've had some last years and bloom over and over again, and I've had some die within a matter of months, never predictably.

So I ended my count of self loathing orchids with 5... some healthier than others, some still blooming, some hibernating their blossoms for winter.

There are always those heart wrenching stories about how a mother gives birth to a beautiful baby, only to lose her own precious life... and each time I walk in my kitchen (home to two orchid friends) I think of these stories. I've watched one of my orchids struggle for a few months. I bought her because she had a few flawed leafs and I thought it would deter anyone else from taking her home. She had the most beautiful buds and the flowers that had opened were amazing.

So she's struggled, and I finally got to the point of separating baby from mother in hopes of saving mom's life. So her beautiful blossoms sit next to her in a cylindrical glass as she wilts away. Heart wrenching I know.

Here they are...





Wishing momma and daughter luck in this chilly California winter as I research how best to save her life.

Much Betta

Since the last time I've written, things have drastically improved... as you may have imagined. I tend to write more on a frustration level rather than an elated level, although both are beneficial.

I've discontinued all contact with the other studio in town that had entangled the community in so much strain and stress, and immediately my life shifted. I started teaching on Archer Street again, the studio that many of us have come to know as home. As soon as I rolled out my mat for that first class, my spirit lifted more than one could have predicted.

I decided to cut back my hours at Kennedy, and maybe even all together. I do have a few clients that I'd like to keep on track, and keeping ties is a good idea, as long as everyone knows how non-committal I have to be there.

My personal life is great. I'm enamored with someone who's been around a long time, and the timing finally seems to be just right... I have no expectations or requirements, but rather, I'm living each day to the fullest in great company.

Lunch time yoga started at the city with a warm welcome... that's been exciting. Tomorrow is class #2. Teaching beginners is a whole new battle for me, but watching beginners learn is twice as gratifying.

A deep sigh of relief that all is well, and is getting better day by day... there are bright things in my present and in my future... and all of that, I realize, is a choice.

ARRRGGGH

I am so frustrated.

My day started out fine... emails, catching up on details and house stuff. I rode out to Kennedy for a noon appointment in the cold and everything started rolling downhill. I didn't want to be on my bike, I didn't want to train clients. I walked into the building and immediately felt shitty. The noise, the energy, the people... I hated it. I made it to my trainer box where along with a few Christmas cards, there were 2 paychecks, for very very very little money. I'm working too hard to make this little.

So I worked out my 3 clients, all of them taking note of my energy and offering up their solutions and predictions. I didn't want to be there... and I don't want to go back.

I'm tired of the struggle. Even after a phenomenal vacation, I hate my schedule. I can't work 3 jobs with no car... I can't, I won't.

I know the only person who can find a solution is me, and I guess that will be the focus of my evening and my focus until I figure it all out.

So I get home to prep for yoga class at the new studio clear across town, and nothing is working in my favor. I try to reload my ipod and accidentally set the language to Chinese. How the f*** am I supposed to fix that? So I try to google it, google's site is down, I looked on mac.com, no clue, so brilliantly I got out my ancient ipod and used it to guess what I was doing until I saw a list of languages. After that ordeal was fixed, already in tears, the ipod wouldn't play AT ALL.

I know when my energy is negative shit hits the fan, I know that. But I can't help but to feel hopeless and frustrated. My savings, which would have been another car, is almost entirely gone and my rent is huge compared to my income. I need help... I need a solution. And due to hit tomorrow is a huge rain storm... plenty of friends have offered my rides, but I hate depending on other people, I do it enough.

I don't know what to do but cry and pray.

I started searching for new jobs, I don't even care if I have an important position or if I make a difference... I don't care.

I need to be working smarter and not harder. I need to dig myself out of the quicksand I've fallen into. I'm not happy and this is not working.