Float

This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.

There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?

I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.

Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.

We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.

Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.

Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.

If all days glowed so bright...

I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.

I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.

I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.

I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.

"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...

I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.

Oh in dreams , colored roses..."

Itch the Bitch

Life is good.

Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.

He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.

I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.

Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.

It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.

Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.

On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!

Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.

Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)