The Weekend is Here

The start of another weekend. Ahhh... just what I need, some time to nest and hang out with my boo. Tonight is one of those nights to Eat Out Save Lives nights, where 10% of participating restaurants profits goes to Aids Support. So, in honor of this event, and Karla who now works for Aids Support Network, we are going to Novo :O) We'll see if I can resist the red curry with tofu and forbidden black rice. Why try? It makes me so happy.

I'm getting used to my life now. The evenings are no longer strange... I'm no longer seeking company when I get home. Just my Tay and my music, that's all I need. Oh and sobriety. No intoxicants for this girl right now. Well maybe for the sake of AIDS... just one beautiful glass of Pinot Noir. That'll do.

I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm OK. I looked back and read what I've been writing lately and realized that I'm writing about being alone A LOT. I concluded that I just need to keep continuously reassuring myself, that's all. I'm OK.

Off to walk downtown to work up an appetite. Mmmm... red curry.

A Sideways Dream of Oahu

What really matters...

This whole alone thing is hard. I never thought I was the kind of person who needed someone else. I've never really lived all by myself however. If I didn't have Taylor, I'd go crazy. At least I can talk to him.

I have a client at Kennedy who always likes to give me advice. I've done a fairly good job of separating my personal life from the lives of my clients... but when you spend hours per week with people, you talk... and they know when somethings on your mind. Yesterday I made a huge effort to just tune in to their bodies and healing their bodies, and I had multiple people ask me what was wrong. My response was always "nothing, I'm just focused."

I've been making an effort to carry NO emotional stress with me. I can't handle it. It's so toxic for me... the most toxic of all the stressors.

So today, I take Tay to get his teeth cleaned, run around town a bit and try to vamp up the Wellness Room at the City.

Oh, point of my story, that same client says to me, "Jenna, you are working 3 jobs, not making enough and don't even have a car! What are you doing?!" I thought about it, and then thought about a few months ago when all I wanted was financial security (I'm getting closer only because I have savings from my car) and a house of my own. Well, I feel like those two needs are being met, but that I'm on a limited amount of time in this scenario of making little and paying a ton in rent before I have to either move or get a higher paying job... hopefully by then all my car savings won't have disappeared!

The most important thing is and continues to be... I AM HAPPY... although I'm without a man friend, I am not alone, and I have all the love an support I could ever ask for.

Home Ruminations

It's the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm cozy on my parent's couch awaiting my turn on the massage table. Tofurky Day itself was a blast. 3 days of cooking (mostly by my mom) culminated in a glorious vegan feast. Stuffed roasted pumkins with polenta and some fancy sauce, potatoes-sweet and garlic varietals, sparkling Kombucha in champagne glasses... blanched brussel sprout, leek and pecan salad. Oh, everything was divine. Topped off by vegan chocolate ganache with soy dream ice cream.

What a fantastic meal it was... and has continued to be. We reheated the goji berry and butternut squash cornbread stuffing a few times, along with winter squash and lentil parsnip soups.

The house was filled with love and acceptance. We danced, played, laughed, smiled... what a treat it was to have the extended family back together again. NREFMs (Non Related Extended Family Members) make up the majority of our parties... and although none of the individuals who come have much other local family, this family is the solid foundation which we all stand upon.

I'm not alone... that's what I need to keep in my head. I'm not alone.

The musician has reappeared, and has made a strong comeback. We've been working on strengthening our friendship before complicating matters further... until temptation presents itself. I feel like I've found myself in a whirlwind of fallen expectations in a relationship without expectations... and I don't know quite what to do with myself, except retreat. The stakes with him are too high.

Ray delivered Taylor and I to my parents house on Thursday... and I couldn't have been more glad to share in his company. He was heading to see some family and then to his new girl's parent's house for a few days. The beautiful thing about Ray and I is that we love each other so much, we know that we're connected forever, and anyone new knows that's a prerequisite to becoming involved. I'm not sure how she feels about me, or the joint custody we share of Taylor, but I know how Ray feels... unconditional love... that's what it's all about.

It's hard to get my head straight sometimes. In a life where I'm the healer, the teacher, the guru so to speak for the majority of time... I need to be very careful about the relationships I have in my life, and those who I allow in my inner circle. One toxic relationship is one too many for me, and only the strongest survive in my world... although I will accept people for who they are, I can't save everyone... only myself.

So as I fold my laundry, pack my bags, and await my massage, I will start saving myself... start mentally cutting ties and shifting my energy from the non-reciprocal into the reciprocal unconditional.

Now, something to make us all smile from this weekend...

The golden one

I realized I'm never alone in the arms of a golden retriever...

bless his little heart.

Alone

Life continues to evolve. I'm now twenty five... have three jobs, no car, no T.V., four bikes, and a great life.

I live to love, and love to live... but when I have nobody to love, the wheels in my head and heart spin, like tires stuck in sand.

I should be happy alone. I should be just fine alone. I hate being alone right now. I long for someone to hold me, to watch the moon cycle and dream with me. My fingers wish to scratch my lovers back in the morning light.

I should be happy alone.

My life is scheduled by the hour, every hour... I am booked up over a month in advance. Not that being in high demand is a problem, but I find myself neglecting to put energy back into my tank.

Each hour is dedicated to a person or a group of people and their well being. I DO take care of myself... I eat very well, exercise a ton, and feel good in my skin... but I don't have enough time for massage, for dance, for my own yoga, for my errands. I guess I just don't have enough time.

I should be happy to be busy.

I understand why people numb themselves with drugs and alcohol... because even when life is beautiful, it's completely overwhelming.

Breathe.

Even when your own father disregards your twenty fifth birthday, just breathe.

I am stronger for the challenges in my life.

I am thankful for the challenges in my life.

I am alone. I am challenged alone. I am happy alone.

I will not numb my alone time, but rather embrace the silent beauty when my bed feels all too big for just one.

The Moon's Slave

I am the slave of the moon.
It's the only thing I'm interested in.
So don't talk to me about anything other than
the moon, the candle, the sweet taste of sugar.

Don't ever speak the word "trouble" out loud.
Talk to me only of treasure.
If you don't understand what I'm getting at,
then please leave me alone.

Rumi