Processing and Negativity: a bad thing?

I started writing when I was very young--mostly as a tool to process my life. As it turns out, I'm more likely to write when I need to process or purge something making the tone of my writing often times negative.

Some may think the tone of my blog over the years has been negative, but my question is... is all processing negative?

I was raised under the impression that to have a healthy relationship, everything must be on the table, and that's the rule I've lived by for many years. I'm learning that there are certain relationships that require severe filters with certain information; it's not always in every person's best interest to know ALL the facts.

I'm learning to keep my own processing inside, or rather to my own processes. I've felt sort of exposed lately. Too many people not only know intimate details of my life, but have intense opinions of what's right or wrong. That taints my true intention and final actions. And really, when people know my issues, they bring them up... bringing me into processing mode, when I'm really there enough on my own.

So in my overly open world of communication, this girl is learning to shut her mouth.

Two of my biggest fears are that I will

1. Be a hypochondriac
2. View the world glass half empty

Now, I'm a very self critical person who strives for perfection--always have. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, but it means I process more than most; I critique myself more than most. That means that if anyone else criticizes me--it hits the nerves of issues I've already scrutinized myself for.

Being a hypochondriac: Yes, I know a lot about health, and that keeps me striving for perfection. If I have a little pain, I strive to fix it. If I have a little indigestion or inflammation, I strive to fix it. Does this make me a hypochondriac? No. It means I address the issues at hand, maybe with a finer microscope than most. I am proactive about my body, I don't just complain.

Glass half empty: I think I portray the opposite, but when too many people know my shit, the conversation becomes about my issues--glass half empty conversation. I live in California, what could be so bad?! Yes, I have certain issues, everyone does. On the other side of the globe, people work twice as hard for 1/2 the pay and 1/10 of the recognition. Woe is me--not. I know my life is good, but again, it comes back to this perfectionist in me.

Should I just become comfortable with status quo? A moderate amount of pain, indigestion, anxiety and just be happy? If it was only that easy... and is anyone ever genuinely happy, or is it a continuum? Am I eating myself alive for never being happy with my circumstances or wanting more? Is it EVER going to be perfect?

And P.S. I don't write because I want anyone else to answer these questions, again, it's processing. MY process. Maybe my blog should vanish and help me regain a certain amount of privacy again. I'll sleep on it.

MBA Week Two

After a 3 day weekend, it's much harder to build momentum at school... although I did meet with my group every day this weekend to work on our numerous projects and presentations.

We presented a chapter of Crossing the Chasm, a book on how new businesses sink or swim. I compared the idea of crossing over from an early market base to a mainstream market to that of D Day, where the US troops and its allies crossed the English Channel to the Beachhead in Normandy. In business terms, securing their niche market, allowing them to explore other market segments and eventually dominating the mainstream market, or Liberating France from the Germans... anyway, it was a fun analogy to present.

We've also been researching and promoting a new technology for a local company (which I can't really talk or write about). That's been pretty cool too. The industry in which the technology is looking to emerge is booming, and the product has potential. I'm the pretend CEO of our company, and we're asking investors for only a million to get us started in production and marketing, once the prototype is perfected that is.

What else... a business case brief and executive summary on a company called E Ink who is behind the technology of E Books. They make a pliable electronic ink paper like product that can easily load information... we have to predict their survival... but the Harvard case we're basing our papers off of was written in 2005, and well, we all know the company survived and is doing well.

Anyway, I'm doing some fun things, having a good time. Still, it's a lot of work, but things should calm down once Fall quarter starts and boot camp ends. This group of 30 or so students will remain like family through this process, I have a feeling. There's something about suffering that can really bond people.

I'm off to redraft, then sleep. The additional research I was going to do tonight must wait until that 6 AM hour, when my mind seems to be much more clear than after 8 PM. Sad, I know. When the sun goes down, so do I, which is why winter months are so difficult! I become a bear hibernating :)

And how gorgeous is the moon tonight!? At 12% of full, there was just a faint sliver in the sky with the setting sun... pinks and purples, the silhouette of Mt. Madonna and the new baby moon. There's nothing really that can put me in a better mood. That in combination with walking my Tay, sipping good earth tea and talking to an awesome friend, makes for a happy girl.

Oh yes, redraft, research...