Stability

A man named Maslow created a pyramid, a hierarchy rather or human needs.



I've felt for a while now that my pyramid is unsteady, ironic because the name of my blog is balance. I originally started writing to convey health information to clients/family/friends but in the past few years this has turned into my electronic forum for self expression, in many forms.

Let's start from the bottom. Physiologically I'm good, especially since switching back over to veganism... not to mention 6 lbs lighter in the last 2 weeks and regular digestion. I just need to remember my combination and all is well with the physical.

Safety. Well... the job is not safe, budget cuts just greatly diminished my resources at work, and for an under appreciated program already, the straws are adding up. Resources: I make less than I spend. I'd say in America I'm in good company, but not for my liking. Family-good, health-good, property-don't have any. So the bottom to levels are OK, not entirely safe, but not unsafe.

Love/Belonging, the third level. There are uncertainties in this category. Do I love my family, friends, man? Yes. Is my relationship with The Musician sustainable? As hopeful as I like to be, only time will tell. So is there a knot in my stomach as of late? Indeed, only one herbal remedies and many many miles can cure.

Esteem. My self esteem is in a good place... I need to be careful of it however because I have SO many interactions with SO many people on a regular basis. I sometimes have anxiety about how I've left situations or the impressions I've given to others. Being known by the sugar addicts as the 'snack Nazi' doesn't help, but I'm learning that I have to do what I do regardless of the opinions of others, some won't like me, others will. I know I'm making a positive impact.

Self Actualization: I seem good on this one. How I managed to skip to the top without the foundation is beyond me.

Now there's my current pyramid, but what's good to remember is that this is America. We have it better here than in any other country and completely take advantage of it. I know some people on the planet are in war zones, are starving, being held captive, being abused, etc. So is my life that bad? NO. Are my struggles valid? Yes, but they are insignificant in the eyes of the planet as a whole.

A little heartache, some job uncertainty and financial struggles... I think I can manage without medicating too much. The more I struggle, the more I run. If it lasts much longer, I'm going to be pretty thin.

In Rainbows from the Basement

Is love ever straight forward? Is it ever just easy to fall in love and stay in love? Is it supposed to be a winding road?

Does the love or the connection just ever speak for itself? Is there a one and only? And if so, are both people sure of that at the same time?

In Rainbows from the Basement. That's the name of the Radiohead album I've been listening to over and over again. It came with video on itunes, so you can watch the emotion and expression of their lead singer. Good medicine.

Therapy and Clarity

Today was a day of therapy. A 6 a.m. run, a little city work, a raw/vegan lunch, time on Gary's crystal healing bed with chakra clearing, a hot stone massage and Pilates! I don't like to suffer, obviously. I needed some therapy and some clearing and I did it.

Release and truth be told. It's easier to see something more clearly with a little room to breathe.

Waning with a Twist

It's a waning gibbous. Translation: the full moon is getting smaller. Usually when this happens it signifies the anticlimax to the full moon, when something is ending or going back to normal. I'm hoping for the latter but with a twist.

I have studied behavior during the full moon for years, and I'm sure have written a few times about it on this blog. It tends to bring people from your past back to your present, maybe so you can reclassify them, and also brings climactic moments to situations that needed to come to a head. This full moon for me was nothing short of both those scenarios.

How do you know if the relationship you're in is right? Is there a test you take to show proficiency, an exit exam from one phase to another, or maybe you just know? What happens when one person in the relationship doubts whether they're 'ready' for you. Is that just a cop out for 'I'm just not that into you' or does it mean, 'I could be with you forever but forever isn't in my vocabulary?'. Does the dance of a relationship ever end, or does it continue to change shape with every situation.

I've played the games before, I've been yanked around, I've figured out what I don't want and what I do want... and I'm level headed about myself and my relationship.

My other question is, if you give it all, all the time, what's left for the other person to work for? But what happens when you love someone so much you become a moth to a flame in tough times. Does this prove that too much of a good thing goes bad?

For as many uncertainties that are in my life, I know myself, I know how I feel and what I want, and clear intentions are priceless. Now the only remaining question is, what does the other side of the coin show?

It appears the heat wave is breaking. Maybe today will be 90 degrees instead of 110.

Heat Wave

Hot summer sleepless nights. Yesterday our high temperature was 112 in San Luis Obispo. It was hotter here than in Las Vegas, the desert. Since just about everyone I know doesn't have air conditioning, including many work places, many people are miserable.

I went to the beach both yesterday and today and played in the water for a few hours. Last night, after the beach, Katie and I rolled down to concerts in the plaza, where an older gentleman gave us two fantastic chairs. Unfortunately the music was mediocre, so we moved on to dinner at Novo shortly thereafter. After a bottle of wine, spicy red curry (not so wise on a HOT day) and a ton of water, we walked home and jumped on our beach cruisers to ride off dinner.

I tried to sleep from 11:30 to 2 and finally fell asleep, only to wake up at 5:30 from the heat. The only way I was able to fall asleep was to put frozen edamame beans on me (in the package) until my body temperature was somewhat normal. Holy heat! I napped today on the wood floor with the dogs; the only coolish place around the house. I also hung the hammock today, in hopes of bearable outdoor reading temperatures. The beach today was packed, and a dalmatian dog peed on my shirt.

Hopefully tonight will be light hearted... there's been too much intensity and chaos coming out of the musician lately, and I'm having a troubling time coping with that.

Skinny Bitch

Sometimes I get wound up, about what I'm doing in life, where I work, money, friends, etc. I get into an over-analytical state of mind and become so self critical it's paralyzing.

When traveling back to San Jose, the home of my family, it's like the place is charged with negative ions. Maybe it's the unconditional love and support, no matter my state of mind, and the freedom to do what I want without judgement.

Taylor and I drove up north last Thursday... I got some pool time with my sister, some yoga, some self reflection, a couple runs, a fantastic sail, and a big party for Larry's Birthday and Father's Day. Larry requested a chocolate cake with banana and nutella filling and a bright yellow frosting. So, that's what he got! I used the extra chocolate mouse/nutella blend to paint a brown bird on top. The best part was, the entire cake was vegan... which brings me to my next point.

I've experimented with all kinds of diets, not real diets per say, but dietary habits. For the past few months, I've eaten a lot of fish, eggs, some cheese, frozen yogurt, and regular yogurt. Now common diets would tell you, these things are part of a healthy weight loss program. Not for me. I am 10 lbs heavier than where I like to be, and was a few months ago, and have been exercising a lot.

So, thought back to the 2 times I'd felt the best in my last few years. What were the commonalities? Vegan, yoga, running. It's my perfect combination, where I can lean out and have the body I really love. This time around I've started Pilates reformer classes to really sculpt my lower abs. The musician and I have a contest going where if he gets an 8 pack, I buy him an mp3 player for the pool, and if I get a 6 pack, he buys me designer jeans :)

When I went home, I knew I could easily eat vegan for those 5 days and planned to carry the plan forward. I feel better digestively than I have in months. I've run about 20 miles in the last 3 days which really helps, but my system feels clean. What I like about being vegan is being able to really eat nuts and seeds and know that they are essential to my diet. The protein is fat laden, yes, but good fats that help digestion. And I have good running fuel, I'm not weighed down!

I feel good. I'm starting to see the remnants of that body I've missed so much. So, long story short, I'm ready to be a skinny bitch again.

Dodge Ball

A few days ago I was asked to address an issue with one of the city buildings regarding sweets in the break room. I know that this building it's particularly an issue, people bringing in cakes, donuts, candy bars, etc. on an almost daily basis. I also know that most other city operations work the same way, in fact, my department head and I are working on creating a structure of those foods we deem acceptable to host a meeting with.

So I composed an email and sent it out to all employees at that building. There have been many unhappy employees based on the number of temptations around, and many individuals participate in fitness testing or weight loss activities. Right away, the most opinionated controlling lady sent me an email back voicing 'her side' of the story, which is great. Now there's quite the stir, I'm being called the 'food Nazi' behind my back. I can't win... I don't get paid enough for this crap.

Frustrated by the stir and by my reputation being bounced around like a dodge ball, I decided to check those salary tables again, just to justify my need for a change. Yes, I make a significant amount less than all other employees, including parks maintenance, golf course supervisor, administrative assistants, etc.

I am in fact the head of the Wellness Program, and in this organization it means supporting an army, never being able to please everyone, dealing with two of the most vulnerable issues--weight and food, and not making rent.

Cheers to wellness!

Holy Ashtanga!

This morning at 10 AM I met a few friends (mostly yoga teachers) at the Sanitarium in SLO for Ashtanga practice. I haven't practiced full primary series probably in years. It felt so damn good! I had forgotten what a balanced practice it feels like. Of course there were those poses that I despise and just try to stay centered in, but it felt really nostalgic. Ashtanga was the first practice I did regularly, and by regularly I mean 1-2 days per week. Now, regularly is at least 4 days per week, but back then, 2 was all I could swallow.

Jonathan, the teacher, would say things like, "the mouth is for eating, nose is for breathing" or "ankle pain-no problem, that's good". He was very intertaining and very knowledgeable.

My body was done by the closing sequence. I had coffee this morning, and that practice has enough fire to burn out my caffeine high. I hopped on my bike to ride home where I plopped down to a huge bowl of fruit salad and greek style yogurt with flax and agave. Yum. I will feel that practice tomorrow, no doubt.

A few cool events in SLO town today--the Raw Foods Cafe is opening at Smiling Dog today at 4, and Mark (Hana's husband) is having a 50th birthday party tonight... which should be a mix of the most eclectic folks--all ages, all open and loving. It should be a great time.

I'm really enjoying my alone time today, with just my little pup. I don't think I am getting enough of it. I think it's a scorpio thing to get attached when in love, and I feel a little imbalanced in it. I love my man, but I can't forget to love myself first. The maternal, selfless side in me wants to make sure that both he and Tay are loved and taken care of first, but that's not always sustainable if my needs aren't met. The fault is only my own. I head up to San Jose on Wednesday evening for a Thursday conference and then a few days of studying for the GMAT and playing with mi familia. I need it. I don't spend enough time with those pillars in my life; the people I could never shake--even if I tried; mom, Christa, and Larry. I'm a very lucky girl to have such a rockin' support system.

I guess I should start the laundry and cleaning process, but after that practice, I'm pooped!

I took some shots of The Musician at the wedding last weekend... here is one of my favorites:

New Moon, New Intentions

Yesterday I was thumbing through the blogs I read semi-regularly, and afterwards I just hit the 'next blog' button on the upper left of the screen... the first one I came to, I found a picture of the current moon phase. Since I'm shamelessly a moon watcher, and love to know what the lunar cycle is doing, I figured out how to put it on my blog, hooray! Now you can know exactly what phase the moon is in right here on my blog spot!

The Musician just called with one of his disguised voices from an unidentified number. I am so gullible that I usually fall for it, but I figured it out after only about 30 seconds this time. He's so funny.

Off to work at the city. I'm doing weigh outs for the 'Biggest Winner' contest we held this past 8 weeks. The results so far are superb, with the men losing anywhere from 10-25 lbs and women 5-10 lbs.

This weekend, GMAT is my name-o.

Weddings...

It's Tuesday; back to the grind. This weekend was amazing... so much fun. We left Saturday morning and stopped in San Jose to see my parents and friends for lunch, and made it up to Healdsburg by 4ish. We took a slight detour through the city as we had too much fun snapping funny faces of each other in the truck and missed 880. So we made it in to the city and missed the 101 entrance, then missed the 580 entrance, and just decided to call it a wash, people watch and enjoy the view. If you can't change the situation, make due, blast the radio and enjoy the company you're with.

Saturday night I spent meeting endless seas of people, all of which were very nice and welcomed me with open arms. We called it an early night so we could watch the first CBS publicized MMA fights. I don't know how I've gotten into this, but I really like it. Sunday we slept in, drank coffee and ate bran muffins in bed, I went for a run while The Musician strummed the guitar. We took a brief wine tasting tour and got ready for the wedding.

Of course we got lost and made it just in time. The wedding was small--about 100 people, very elegant, yet casual. The humor was light, jokes large and drinking heavy. It made for good times.

So the bouquet toss. I (being a bit marriage phobic) pushed all the tall girls in front of me while I happily stayed way in the back. Wouldn't you know it, the damn thing came right to me... I didn't even move at all, but rather just put my hands out at hip level to make sure it didn't drop. Yikes! Good thing I'm not superstitious.

The party was great, food, drinks, dancing, a bar afterwards and safely returning to some good ol' fried food at 1AM. Oh, our key didn't work at the hotel which left me sitting frustrated and tired in the hall and Sam moving mountains to get us in our room. We survived, happy and back to the grind!