What really matters...

This whole alone thing is hard. I never thought I was the kind of person who needed someone else. I've never really lived all by myself however. If I didn't have Taylor, I'd go crazy. At least I can talk to him.

I have a client at Kennedy who always likes to give me advice. I've done a fairly good job of separating my personal life from the lives of my clients... but when you spend hours per week with people, you talk... and they know when somethings on your mind. Yesterday I made a huge effort to just tune in to their bodies and healing their bodies, and I had multiple people ask me what was wrong. My response was always "nothing, I'm just focused."

I've been making an effort to carry NO emotional stress with me. I can't handle it. It's so toxic for me... the most toxic of all the stressors.

So today, I take Tay to get his teeth cleaned, run around town a bit and try to vamp up the Wellness Room at the City.

Oh, point of my story, that same client says to me, "Jenna, you are working 3 jobs, not making enough and don't even have a car! What are you doing?!" I thought about it, and then thought about a few months ago when all I wanted was financial security (I'm getting closer only because I have savings from my car) and a house of my own. Well, I feel like those two needs are being met, but that I'm on a limited amount of time in this scenario of making little and paying a ton in rent before I have to either move or get a higher paying job... hopefully by then all my car savings won't have disappeared!

The most important thing is and continues to be... I AM HAPPY... although I'm without a man friend, I am not alone, and I have all the love an support I could ever ask for.

Home Ruminations

It's the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and I'm cozy on my parent's couch awaiting my turn on the massage table. Tofurky Day itself was a blast. 3 days of cooking (mostly by my mom) culminated in a glorious vegan feast. Stuffed roasted pumkins with polenta and some fancy sauce, potatoes-sweet and garlic varietals, sparkling Kombucha in champagne glasses... blanched brussel sprout, leek and pecan salad. Oh, everything was divine. Topped off by vegan chocolate ganache with soy dream ice cream.

What a fantastic meal it was... and has continued to be. We reheated the goji berry and butternut squash cornbread stuffing a few times, along with winter squash and lentil parsnip soups.

The house was filled with love and acceptance. We danced, played, laughed, smiled... what a treat it was to have the extended family back together again. NREFMs (Non Related Extended Family Members) make up the majority of our parties... and although none of the individuals who come have much other local family, this family is the solid foundation which we all stand upon.

I'm not alone... that's what I need to keep in my head. I'm not alone.

The musician has reappeared, and has made a strong comeback. We've been working on strengthening our friendship before complicating matters further... until temptation presents itself. I feel like I've found myself in a whirlwind of fallen expectations in a relationship without expectations... and I don't know quite what to do with myself, except retreat. The stakes with him are too high.

Ray delivered Taylor and I to my parents house on Thursday... and I couldn't have been more glad to share in his company. He was heading to see some family and then to his new girl's parent's house for a few days. The beautiful thing about Ray and I is that we love each other so much, we know that we're connected forever, and anyone new knows that's a prerequisite to becoming involved. I'm not sure how she feels about me, or the joint custody we share of Taylor, but I know how Ray feels... unconditional love... that's what it's all about.

It's hard to get my head straight sometimes. In a life where I'm the healer, the teacher, the guru so to speak for the majority of time... I need to be very careful about the relationships I have in my life, and those who I allow in my inner circle. One toxic relationship is one too many for me, and only the strongest survive in my world... although I will accept people for who they are, I can't save everyone... only myself.

So as I fold my laundry, pack my bags, and await my massage, I will start saving myself... start mentally cutting ties and shifting my energy from the non-reciprocal into the reciprocal unconditional.

Now, something to make us all smile from this weekend...

The golden one

I realized I'm never alone in the arms of a golden retriever...

bless his little heart.

Alone

Life continues to evolve. I'm now twenty five... have three jobs, no car, no T.V., four bikes, and a great life.

I live to love, and love to live... but when I have nobody to love, the wheels in my head and heart spin, like tires stuck in sand.

I should be happy alone. I should be just fine alone. I hate being alone right now. I long for someone to hold me, to watch the moon cycle and dream with me. My fingers wish to scratch my lovers back in the morning light.

I should be happy alone.

My life is scheduled by the hour, every hour... I am booked up over a month in advance. Not that being in high demand is a problem, but I find myself neglecting to put energy back into my tank.

Each hour is dedicated to a person or a group of people and their well being. I DO take care of myself... I eat very well, exercise a ton, and feel good in my skin... but I don't have enough time for massage, for dance, for my own yoga, for my errands. I guess I just don't have enough time.

I should be happy to be busy.

I understand why people numb themselves with drugs and alcohol... because even when life is beautiful, it's completely overwhelming.

Breathe.

Even when your own father disregards your twenty fifth birthday, just breathe.

I am stronger for the challenges in my life.

I am thankful for the challenges in my life.

I am alone. I am challenged alone. I am happy alone.

I will not numb my alone time, but rather embrace the silent beauty when my bed feels all too big for just one.

The Moon's Slave

I am the slave of the moon.
It's the only thing I'm interested in.
So don't talk to me about anything other than
the moon, the candle, the sweet taste of sugar.

Don't ever speak the word "trouble" out loud.
Talk to me only of treasure.
If you don't understand what I'm getting at,
then please leave me alone.

Rumi

26.2 Tomorrow!

This is it. This is the moment we've all been waiting for--at least for the last six months. The marathon is TOMORROW. 26.2 freaking miles!

The trail is beautiful, rolling dirt hills... but very very cold.

On the way up here, we stopped in Chico for dinner at a really good raw foods place. In a very satisfying food coma afterward, I passed out in the back seat. I woke up to an entire front wind sheild of white snow. It must have dumped 6 inches while we were driving in the Prius!

So I had the entire Emergency Action Plan in my head... I was ready mentally, but just hoping by the grace of whichever angels were watching, that we'd survive and make it to Susanville. Holy smokes was it scary. No chains, pitch black except for the snowy view.

So tonight we prepare. We just induldged in vegetable soup, salad, hummus and bread. We've turned our little Apple Inn into a bed and breakfast, with one burner, a pot and skillet. We've got enough food for an army! At least for 3 hungry hippos. Marathon training has led me to eat more than I ever have.

I realized something about people. People who don't like to drink enough water, often times overeat... and then the equilibrium gets thrown off.

We have been hanging out the last 2 days, doing lots of yoga, meditating, and my favorite, bird watching! As much as I make fun of the whole bird watching thing, it's actually really interesting. I'm glad I can entertain myself with yoga however.

So tonight I sleep... and tomorrow I finally purge all this stored up energy! Wahooie! 26.2. That's a damn long way to run.

I've got great pictures--the colors here are magnificent. Yellows and reds on the trees, snowy hills and green grasses. Fall has begun.

Hopefully my nerves can calm themselves tonight... and tomorrow I accomplish one of the biggest feats of my entire life... with my parents and one of my best friends.

Life is good.

The Secret

Today is Sunday... tomorrow is the first full day of my new job... and next Sunday is marathon day! A full 26.2 of rolling dirt hills at 5,000 feet. Wahooie!

Life has finally picked up for me, and I can't be for certain, but I feel I owe so much to yoga and meditation, well and patience. I've finally gotten all I've been looking for--somehow, someway.

For a long time, I've contested bringing organized religion into my life. My twelve year old Hume Lake Christian Camp traumatized me enough for a lifetime... but I'm starting to re-examine to power of prayer. I don't know if I necessarily agree with a lot of what organized religions do or believe, but the mere fact of consistent prayer and positive thought is something to admire.

I feel I've found my religion in yoga. It mends my mind, heart and soul in a matter of minutes. It allows me to be calm, present, sincere... it allows me to be proud of who I am and express myself clearly with love and compassion. I LOVE YOGA.

I know that I've gotten to the place I am today because of my determination and hard work... but I will never again underestimate the power of positive thinking.

Long Hiatus

Life has changed quite a bit since I've last written. I've acquired a new place to live, which is so very beautiful. I feel like I'm in France. The little house is so serene, just Taylor and I being the sole occupants. I love every minute. I have no T.V. but tons of books, and up until 10 minutes ago, no internet.

I sold my car... and didn't take a loss, but now bike EVERYWHERE. It's actually a really great life lesson for me in stress management, and energy flow... and breath work, and so much more. I'm loving it. But the rain will be tricky.

I also just took a new position as the City Wellness Coordinator. Yay for me! I will now work part time at the city, and part time as a Master Trainer at Kennedy, and part time as a Yoga Instructor, just at Tridosha for now.

Life is good. Being single is a shift, but one I'm OK with. I have more time now for abandoned relationships and lost hobbies, although most hobbies involve exercise.

I'm two weeks out from my first 26.2 mile marathon and I feel strong... and I couldn't be happier about those I'm running with--my mom, Larry, and Sandy. I've had so much fun training with each of them.

Blank Canvas

It's nearly the end of July and more transitions on the horizon. I finally move in to my new downtown 1 bedroom. YAY!! I am really really really excited but very nervous about money. A few months ago, when I was working 12 hour days consistently, I had enough money for a new car, travels, etc. Now that I'm working a normal 8-9 hour day, I don't have so much money, and the combo of a new stunning rent payment... well, it's making me quite nervous.

SO, I'm going to... deep breath... try living without a car for a while, granted I can sell it. I bought it just 7 months ago, and LOVE it, but can't afford it and rent, and to stay at my current place of employment. So, I've posted it online, and hopefully someone will want it. I need to call the bank again and make sure I know the SOP. If I do this, I can get really close to paying off my student loans (hopefully) and just maybe get closer to $0.

I'm trying to get creative with what I want to do now. I'm feeling that there may be a big career shift for me, although I'm not quite sure what I want to invest my time into, besides yoga. The activities that make me the happiest are yoga, writing, and running. It will be many many moons before someone wants to pay me enough to live off of from just yoga... writing, well I don't think you'd call my writing technical, and running, well I'm no gazelle.

OK, so in the yoga community, I'm looking into some of the local opportunities but also the national companies who may want me to work remotely. That'd be sweet.

The wine industry... being a food critic... hairdresser, bartender, hmmmm... I just don't know. I will figure it out. I will say I'm good at what I do now, but it's sure taxing.

Change is the theme of the summer, and it's not bad.

My career, and even my life is a blank canvas right now. Man I'm gonna miss that car.

The Good Bad and Ugly

I started teaching yoga at Tridosha last week, and I've LOVED it so far. I received a warm welcome my first class with 7 people. Being a small room, I think the maximum is probably about 20, but the largest I've seen is about 10. I was stoked. I'm hoping I will continue to grow as an instructor and this can be my modality instead of personal training. I'm tired. I'm tired of pushing people past their physical limits only to be tired, not to also have peace of mind and open energetic pathways.

My second class had 3 people... which was also fun, but my Monday morning 7AM class, not surprisingly had NOT ONE person but me. So I practiced by myself and it was glorious. Absolutely glorious.

Being in the yoga studio makes me dread going to work, to the shaking office where there's always someone demanding your attention. I love the peace and quiet and meditative state of mind. I don't feel overstimulated in that environment, I feel GOOD and STABLE and SANE. Getting into that state of mind makes you not even need to over eat or over indulge.

I'm trying really hard not to be frustrated, but the reality is that I may need to move away from SLO. I know I can make a good life for myself here--but I'm stumbling quite a bit. There's no job market here, even for those with as many connections as I have. I will create it, I will find my next job, but my oh my am I frustrated with my situation.

I am considering selling my car and riding a bike everywhere, and in theory it sounds fine since I'll be living in SLO and working in SLO, but I know not being able to get to the beach with Tay or home to my parents would be dreadful.

Deep breaths. Deep, rich, beautiful breaths.

Life is Good

It seems I've only been writing lately when there's something to get off my mind--leading readers to think that I'm stressed, troubled, and struggling.

For the record, LIFE IS GOOD! All is well, just busily trucking along in my SLO life.

Don't worry, be happy!

Deep Breath...

It's been too long since I've written. I know this because my mind starts to spin circles without an outlet.

I've never been in a state of change for this long. Since December I've been without my own home--and I've got one month to go. I had some amazing travels, I was able to buy my new used car, and I've really had a good time living with Ray... but I'm VERY ready for my own sanctuary again.

I decided to actively look for a new job. For the amount of work I put in, I need to be making more than I am... but it's not only that. I've done more for that company than most--and they can't afford me anymore. In fact, they can't afford anyone anymore. The company takes such a large percentage that not one of our trainers makes decent pay... I guess that's part of the business, but it breaks my heart to cut the paychecks each month and know that NOBODY in at least my department except 4 people make even enough to live off of. And I'm not praised by upper management for my work. I need to be empowered, not oppressed.

So, I started interviewing, and I've had a few projects present themselves that seem pretty cool. I basically need to create my own position, but have been given the free reign to do so with a few companies. I also am teaching 3 yoga classes per week starting next week at Tridosha, meaning I will probably stop teaching at Kennedy soon thereafter.

Emotionally I'm not OK. There is too much transition, too many uncertainties... I'm sick and tired of fighting for what I deserve at work. It's such a hard job market in SLO. I have found a few entry level positions that pay more than I make, but the question is: what will make me happy?? Even the butcher at New Frontiers makes more than me, has full benefits and a 401k. Good for him!

I'm trying to do OK. I'm trying, but I feel like my strength is being tested over and over again.

Thank the heavens Pinecrest is a month away! And soon I will have my own little bungalow. Ahhhhh...

San Diego this weekend for the IDEA convention... a few days away with like minded professionals to get my head on straight.

Catching Up

Today is Father’s Day… the first Father’s Day where I’ve only had one father. Although it felt like something was missing—I have all the father I need in Larry. That hurts to say… but a father who loves conditionally is no father at all.

I drove up north this weekend, spent some time in San Jose, some in Santa Cruz… went to a few parties—three to be exact. Two graduations and one Father’s Day & birthday party for Larry. It’s always so good to see the family, and of course do what we do… we did yoga, jumped in the ocean, cooked, ran 10 miles, ate and slept. Yum.

I’m confused in my life… this past 6 months has been nothing but transition after transition. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I find myself with certain expectations, and find myself being let down over and over again. There are aspects of my life, and my relationship, that I LOVE… but there are also aspects of both that I cannot handle.

I move into my new 1BR house with Taylor on August first. I’m already planning my quiet time, but also thinking about all I need to outfit a new house. With all this moving, it’s no wonder I can’t save enough to buy… it all gets flushed down the rental market!

Devin and Oriana come to SLO for one night this week. So much has changed since one year ago. We had a going away party for Devin and I thought my life would never be the same. It hasn’t. I’m so happy for him that he’s found love and adventure. I’ll always miss those lazy days, training days, good eats and good laughs with D though. It will never be the same.

I’m off to bed. I’m taking a week long workshop with Peter Sterios at Wellspring Ranch. Most of the yogis and yoginis stay up there, but I’m commuting so I don’t have to take time off. That means early mornings for me this week and long work days. I’ll survive. All in the name of good yoga.

Oh--and this week is week 1 of 16 training weeks until the marathon!! Wahooie! Time to kick the party food and get into training mode :O) 26.2 baby!

Humble Yoga

Tonight is a night of planning. I'm often not a planner, but tonight I MUST.

I'm teaching yoga to not just anybody tomorrow, but to my fellow trainers, and quite possibly my worst critics. It's not the first class I've instructed, but an important one.

So I'm writing and remembering what I've liked about each instructor, what poses have been taught exceptionally well, how I've seen certain poses scaled for different people... you know, the details.

It's truly a humbling experience, and I'm sure even more humbling tomorrow. I think the most important part is going to be remembering that the classes aren't about me or my abilities but about the students and their needs.

I started to realize after getting back from New York that it's time for me to teach. After having amazing teachers, it's difficult for me to practice with not so amazing teachers again. The best of the best in SLO are now the same individuals I'm used to seeing practice next to me in class.

I know it's going to take time, and I'm going to make mistakes, but I'm SO excited. Although I'm not perfect at each pose, I have a lot of knowledge to share and LOVE LOVE yoga. I know my anatomy, I know a lot about common injury and postural issues, but still, there's much I don't know.

Hopefully this is just the beginning of an exciting journey to come...

Mountain of Gold

This morning Tay and I took a nice run in the neighborhood. We ran a few miles on the street until we hit the base of Madonna mountain. We ran across the mountain and around until we hit the road again. Just a little detour, but oh so beautiful!

The entire mountain is no longer green but gold. I think I was away during this year's one week of green... but the gold is ever so gorgeous, especially in the soft morning light. It felt like our little secret this morning, nobody else in sight... just Tay and I.

Yesterday a few different opportunities landed in my lap. Maybe not for today, but two very enticing seeds were planted. The opportunity to run the fitness component of weekend retreats at one of our local resorts, and the chance to run my own yoga/wellness facility. Now both these are down the road, but I'm entirely flattered that these two individuals with their respective projects in mind want ME to run their show!!!

I'm starting to think I can make what I want in SLO. At least the opportunity that seemed once to be non-existant, seems to be seeking me out. Happy freaking day!

Quiet Elephant, You'll Spoil the Peace!

It's Monday, Memorial Day. I've come quite accustomed to my morning ruminations (as mom calls them). For years I lost my mornings, that extra few hours of sleep, and finally I have them back. I get up around 7am, let Tay out to fetch the paper, feed him and myself, drink my tea and read the paper. So simple, but it makes all the difference in my world. Also routine is checking the internet and paper 10 times a day for housing. Still no luck.

Since vacation, taking time in the morning really has changed my entire life. I do more yoga, feel less stressed, look more put together at work... I'm no longer playing catch up all day. All this I will remember if taking on a new role or position.

The weekend has been pretty mellow for me, Ray had to work every night for the last 5 nights, meaning I have evening ruminations as well. One of Ray's friends usually appears so I have some company, but even alone I enjoy the time. I love living in SLO. It's such a gem of a town, only lacking one thing--diversity.

Having conflicting schedules isn't so good for Ray and I, but we're making the best of it. I'm asleep when he comes home in the middle of the night and he's asleep when I'm getting up in the morning. It works well for Tay though, and that's all that really matters. Tay has Ray or I all day and night, every day and night. Not to mention all our company, plus Katie, Vic, and Mattie, who constantly give him attention. Spoiled dog. He's doing much better, but still not 100%. When Tay was sick, my world was not OK. I don't think I'm going to cope well to his aging.

Well, it's off to work. My client load is so light... I only kept my absolute favorites which means my days go pretty smoothly now :O) The only thing making me nervous is that my world could change in an instant... it's like the big elephant in the room... and I have no idea what I want in all of it.

In a Split Second

Quite an interesting day for me today. Relationships can begin as fast as they can end.

The beginning of a new friendship--in Amanda, Joe's most recent ex. I was suprised how much we had to talk about and how we could instantly just jump in and become friends. There's something to be said about supporting a fellow girl whose shoes look very much like my own at one point in time. She's marathon training, and I bet we'll have a lot to talk about running together.

On the flip side...

It seems my relationship with my father is on the rocks to say the least. Appparently Christa and I are immature for not sending generic hallmark cards for mother's day and birthdays. We've emailed back and forth now for a few days, and the further it all goes, the more I just want to dissociate. It's not like it's every year we don't send anything. We've been pretty good about it since we've grown up, but this year is unique in the chaos we both have in our lives.

Chaos and transition. There are so many scars, so much pain, so many failed expectations between the three of us. Maybe it's just too hard. Maybe there will always be too much judgement about why he left and how we've not become who he's wanted us to be. But, I have no complaints about who I am and what I've accomplished thus far in life.

It's just interesting how quickly life moves. Relationships are ended as fast as they're begun.

I do wish to someday reconcile with my father, but it's almost too easy to just let it go and appreciate Larry that much more. I am so thankful to have Larry in my life, it makes this situation less heavy because I know Larry is unconditional. He supports me no matter what and lives his life every day with love, trust, and integrity. Lucky him; lucky me.

Oh to get back to that wave...

Well, I'm back. Back to work, back to reality.

It's been a few weeks since I've written, mostly because I've been swept away in work and things. Wildflower Triathlon was the weekend Ray and I got home. We had so much fun with the family... Christa, Mom, Larry, Kurt, Ray, Chelsea, Lilly, Bennett and of course Taylor. Some of our friends from SLO also competed. It was a great festival weekend. The race was hot and hilly, just as I'd remembered. It was a lot harder to race completely untrained, but none the less, I finished with an OK time.

I felt great for a few weeks being home... amazingly fabulous until the same work issues presented themselves. I'm still waiting to hear on the new proposal I wrote. We should have known a few weeks ago, but no word yet. Apparently there have been some delays. That part is frustrating for me. I hesitate to commit to too many people at the club because I'm not sure what the future holds for me there. Frustrating. It may be time for me to create my own project. Maybe this weekend I'll work on creating my next job...

I realized I haven't posted any pictures in a while. Let me see if I can find any--I'm on Ray's computer...



Here's one of me dropping into a wave in Waikiki. I love those warm slow rollers. I could surf there all day--in fact, that's all I'd want to do if I lived there.

I had the most stressful day at work today I've had I think ever. The boss man really came down on our department, and most other departments in the building. People are getting laid off, hours cut back, pay reduced... it's mayhem. Being a manager is not fun in these times.

I felt the stress vibrate in my body for the beginning of the day... a few hours went by and I'd seemingly shaken it off, but as I made it home and relaxed, the stress turned into anger which turned into to tears. I was angry that something like this has to happen, angry that we can't afford as a company to pay our employees the cost of living. Such raw frustration.

I really feel like it's time to take the wheel and create what exactly I want. Since being back from vacation I've set better boundaries. I sleep in, train few clients and really take care of myself first. Sleeping in makes all the difference in the freaking world. I am twice as happy.

Well, now I think I'll focus on what's next. Start to create a new vision... anyone have any ideas?

Slow down everyone, you're moving too fast.

Thursday on Oahu... we finally made it back to the North Shore today. After 3 days in Waikiki, we were more than ready to come back up. The North Shore is much more mellow, and when the surf is firing, it's muy grande up here.

We had fun in Waikiki... 3 straight days of longboarding, some snorkeling, lots of walking and hanging out drinking Coronas. It's tourist town down there though. They've got the top designer stores down there now too like Fendi, Gucci, etc., and a Trump tower going up soon. It's a very different vibe.

We hopped on beach cruisers today for a stroll and it started raining on us. Since the air and rain is so warm, we kept riding. Ray said I was having too much fun on a bike. And I was. Happy freaking day.

Life is good here. I could definately live in this--but then how ever could I live anywhere else? It doesn't get much better.

It's so nice to have life slow down so much. Time to think, to sleep, to breathe. I am so happy on vacation. Like I always think... I could vacation for a living, no problem.

I guess eventually we have to go back to reality. Soon it will be Summer in SLO and life is pretty peachy with those conditions too.

I am REALLY missing Tay right now. It's been the longest in years I've been away from him. I saw him for a day between NY and Hawaii and he literally pinned me down... put his foot on my chest. I guess he was telling me something.

It's time for me to get a new place to live. If anyone still reads this, help me manifest a new studio with room for Taylor and a groovy location. Shell Beach or SLO town. I'm not too picky :O)

A few more days of paradise, then back to reality. Reality is pretty good too, but it's not quite Oahu's paradise.

Aloha!

Ray and I flew out of San Francisco on Saturday after a killer 8 mile hill run at Quicksilver with the parents and Sandra. What a blast it is to run free in the mountains! Taylor and Luna both reached their capacity at about 7 miles, so the last one was slow goin, but none the less incredible.

We arrived on Oahu at about 9pm, and headed North. We made it to the North Shore at about 10pm and were greeted by some awesome friends. I had no idea that there were guys in their 30s just hanging around surfing like Ray. These guys were everywhere. We blew up an aero bed and slept like babies. My head cold did not bode well with the plane ride, but a good night of sleep allieviated some of the pressure in my head.

First day on Oahu, we went for a driving tour, up the hill to an ancient temple site to check the view and the surf, down to check Pipeline and Sunset. The surf was huge. It looked just like all those movies we'd watched for so long back in cold watered California. There were surfers everywhere.

The people out here are much different from New Yorkers. It's like night and day. They're relaxed, they breathe, they go with the flow and don't really stress out. These people don't resist... they don't fight against what is, or try to prove what isn't. It's a beautiful thing.

It's good to see Ray... 3 weeks apart is a long time. He's happy here. I know he'd move back in a second if I said now. Ray and John paddled out at Freddy Land and V Land that day--yesterday. I stayed on the beach and read Song of Solomon--the Toni Morrison book I picked up at the airport. The book my mom's been telling me I must read. I'm loving it so far.

I watched them paddle out, but lost sight of them as they joined the sea of about 50 surfers in the line-up. Such good waves, such amazing surfers. They eventually came out, ran down the beach to where I was, and got going.

Amazingly enough, a friend of John's score Jack Johnson tickets. It's a festival he puts on every year, and this year Eddie from Pearl Jam, Matt Costa, and some local Hawaiian artists played. The show was meant to celebrate Earth Day and to teach the kids Kokua or respect for the land and ocean. It was freaking amazing. Warm breeze, warm rain, smiles... the people here are free. They don't trip out. They don't judge. They are so easy going. Anyway, the boys are going to surf and I'm going to hang out on the beach and in mother ocean.

This is paradise. Aloha!

Being Fearless in 2007

Ok, on to the conference. We had our first day with Seane Corn. She's just gotten back from India with Ashley Judd, who is the Global Ambassador for YouthAids and an actress.

She spoke for about 3 hours about India, the chakras in our own bodies, Carolynn Myss, and yoga. She has a great story, and great personality.

We went into the practice, and I don't know if I had too much PMS or if I was in a sensitive place, but I did not have a good experience. Since there were beginners in the room, she toned down the class a bit, but still made it difficult for everyone. What I didn't like was that she'd get us into asanas and seemingly leave us while she'd talk about something conceptual. After about 10 breaths, my mind tuned out and I started to get angry and feel abandoned. Maybe that's my lesson. Maybe it's time for me to start addressing anger and abandonment. It wasn't a one time thing though, it was the entire practice of these types of asanas, and the interesting part was, she wouldn't tell us how long we were planning on, so on some poses it was 5 breaths, and some 20-30 breaths. It was exhausting, and my blood sugar started to get low. Perhaps that's the emotion that needed be evoked, but I was not a happy camper, and I'd just had 10 days of perfectly taught JivaMukti classes. URGH. I don't know if her mind was caught up, or if this is how she generally teaches, but it wasn't something I'd go back to. She did talk again afterwards about chakras and other really interesing stuff. I have no doubt in her abilities, but this execution was painful and disheartening.

Ok, moving on. We saw Jane Goodall who was 100% enjoyable to watch speak. She is the one who studied with Luis Leeky in Africa and the first ever to live with Apes. She got her doctorate degree at Cambridge and went on to help apes and many other animals and humans too in her life. She started a company called Roots and Shoots, for our world's youth, read more about it!

Al Gore was terrific! He was ever so sly about addressing the country's current state, and was truely funny with his sarcasm. He is so well educated, and so very smart. He's got great insight into our globe and how to help keep this world a float. He failed to recognize how shifting to an animal free diet would better the Global Warming issue, but it's been estimated that 18% is from animal agriculture. That's more than fuel emissions from cars to my understanding. I think if he gets too far fetched he'd be rejected. Baby steps.

We saw Andrew Harvey, author of Sacred Activism, who reminded me much of the character from Back to the Future. He spoke about organized religion, about souls, about being crucified and reborn in our own lives, about archetypes, and about forgiving yourself.

We saw and heard much more. If any more comes to me I'll add it in. Oh, we saw Bobby McFerrin, who sung without any words, but rather chanted and made noises, beat on his own chest! He introduced Jane Goodall and Al Gore. He was great. He's the one who wrote 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'.

We also did a Chi Gong/Tai Chi class with Michael Craft, who was amazing.

We saw David Gershon who spoke about The Low Carbon Diet. His lecture was a little dry, and I became distracted and left. I found a company called I (heart) Yoga, started by a guy named Moses, which looks to be good stuff.

Well, thanks to Stephan Rechtschaffen and Elizabeth Lesser, founders of Omega, for another great year.

Back in California for some sunshine and quality TRI training before Hawaii! Wahooie!

Connecticut and Broadway

So after spending the evening with family again, sleeping on the couch, and waking early to make it to Grand Central Station in time for a Connecticut train, we were off!

We made it to Connecticut where Nancy (my grandmother's best friend) picked us up. Oh how beautiful it was to see her. She dropped us off at Aunt Teeper's house, whose existance has always been interesting to say the least. That side of my mom's family was very very wealthy, and watching the trauma of that unfold has been... well, interesting.

Christa and I set out in Teeper's 2003 Mercedes E class with something like 8,000 miles on it. She never drives it... always takes her Jag. We went to Rowaton market, a familiar place. We bought lunch and drove back singing and dancing in the car. Aunt teeper doesn't cook, doesn't eat much either.

After the dog food scare, she bought Pepperidge Farms cookies and only let her dog Lulu eat cookies for weeks. Like I said, interesting.

Anyway, we had dinner with Nancy that evening after a great nap and a drive around Darien. Nancy and mom talked all about who lived where and whose kids had become what or died early or moved wherever. They both agreed that they were the only two who could talk this way anymore, for everyone else has transcended on.

We ate dinner at the Lime, a fabulous restaurant with the same waitress we see once a year. Nancy shared her wisdom about sisterhood, relationships, and life, which we all LOVED her reflections on.

We woke up to rain, lots and lots of it. We made it to the train station and back to the city, still pouring. Grand Central had a cab line about 25 people deep. If we didn't have so much luggage we'd have walked, but we waited until our turn. Made it to the Sheraton eventually, where I began working on my new project... yes working. Christa and mom showed up with uncle Michael a few hours later after looking for Broadway tickets.

We ate at phenomenal restaurants... vegan or raw all of them. The favorites were Gobo, Pure Food and Wine, and Angelica's Kitchen.

We ate things like RAW ravioli, avocado soup, nut cheeses, etc. We also came across a couple who wrote the book RAWvolution. They started a restaurant in Santa Monica and SHIP OUT raw food on a weekly basis! The menu each week is different too! I think I will start ordering when I get back from Hawaii.

Broadway was great. We saw Company on Friday night, a show where each character not only sung, they carried around a musical instrument. They ranged from the flute, stand up base, french horn, trumets, triangle, and more. It was about one guy who is single and dating around. He has a bunch of couples who he hangs out with. All the girls and some of the guys want him. Their relationships start to evolve and fall apart, but they all encourage him to marry none the less. He wants to marry, but also is surrounded by a world that doesn't give the impression that it would last. It was great.

Then on Sunday night we went to The Color Purple. That was by FAR the best Broadway show I've EVER seen. Holy shit. The soul in those voices, the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the triumph. The theater was vibrating with energy, soulful, earthy, heavy energy. It was exquisit. Thank you Oprah!

New York Round Two

The second half of my journey in New York begun on Tuesday; my mom and sister arrived in the early evening. Knowing they'd be famished and needing nourishment, I'd gone to the local produce stand and bought as many vegetables as I could carry.

I knew dinner may be in a few different rounds... Morgan was due to arrive along with Ryan and Michelle. I prepped a gigantic bowl of vegetables: kale, cabbages, carrots, onions. I had tofu marinating in low sodium soy sauce (a second to shoyu), ginger, garlic and olive oil. In another bowl I had a huge salad with everything you could imagine! Carrots, spinach, mixed greens, cabbage, sprouts, etc. I also had sweet potatoes 90% done so the last heat would make them perfect. So when people showed up, all I had to do was throw ingredients into a pan, and poof! Dinner was served.

We took both dogs for a walk before Ryan and Michelle arrived, wandering around the streets of Brooklyn. It felt great to have a comfort group again.

I realized how much I depend on other people to motivate ME sometimes. I mean, it's a much different world motivating and UNmotivated person without anyone around you. It's almost too easy to get sucked in to T.V. or the comforts of a couch.

I did learn a lot while I was there, and I hope Ryan did too. I learned how I will act on these intensives in the future, and realize that if it's a live-in situation, I probably need to venture out more on my own.

I had a GREAT time... saw so many things. I'm going to start a new post to trick you into reading more!

Surviving via Yoga

After ONE week... I start to think. I could NEVER live here. What happened to being able to walk around in nature? What happened to friendly people? What happened to all these people to make them so driven and busy? The vibration of all the energy is unreal, and in the beginning--foreign. It's starting to frustrate me that now I'm used to this!

Don't get me wrong... I've had a blast here, and there is much more fun to have, but REALLY, I'm ready for California sunshine, directly followed by Hawaii sunshine. F*ck this cold weather and dreary people.

Jivamukti has been my only saving grace. The studio is amazing. The teachers are phenomenal, and syncronized in their teachings. You can tell they've all gone through the same training. Each class has similar components and series' but is also unique to the teaching style.

Let's see... what have I observed in the quality of their teachings...

Each class starts with chanting, singing and 3 invocations of om. Some of the instructors play that accordian/piano looking thing, whose name escapes me. There is a monthly focus. This month it's trataka. It's the practice (or my interpretation of it) of looking at a flame or an object without blinking and allowing your eyes to water. Once they do, you turn your practice internal and look through your 3rd eye. Each class I've done the meditation. It's pretty cool. The link will tell you a lot more about it.

The instructors then start with Surya Namaskar A and B, or some variation of them. The sequences are like none other I've practiced. They make sense... they're fun, but challenging. There was only one pose in the last 5 days I couldn't do... it was a version of a warrior 2 I believe, where you grab your front foot and straighten that leg. It's actually the pose David Swenson is doing on the left of these links. Wow. I did get the foot a little up, but holy smokes. That could have been the hardest attempted pose I've tried. I know there is much harder out there, but geez.

They all count: inhale, exhale, one... inhale, exhale, two... etc. Very clearly, methodically. The teachers instruct like leaders. This is how you do it. Period. It reminds me of Peter or Tawny--two teachers who definately have the articulation down.

I wonder when I'll start teaching more yoga. Up until this point, it's been small groups and private sessions. I guess I'd rather have an organized training before teaching. I don't make the time as of now to learn the Sanskrit, and I don't want to teach large groups until I do. Maybe I'm just scared.

I think what it really is, is just saying it over and over again, the verbal instructions that is. Over and over. I think I'll get an audio recorder and just start practicing. That's what it takes.

Well life at home is so busy that if I just get my own practice in, I'm a happy camper. I haven't been training for Wildflower. It's less than a month away, and I haven't done anything in a week but yoga. I feel great, but race day I may be hurting.

Well, I'm off to bed. Still on west coast time. It's almost 2am here. Time for the subway to rattle my bed in the wee hours of the morning, and the police cars to flash lights and sirens to go off. Oh how I love the city.

I close my eyes and think... just make the rats disappear. OMM...

Rats on the subway. Ick. The smell of the city has become normal, making me wonder if now I smell the same?

Last night I met up with one of my clients and his kids. We went out to a club, that was phenomenally fun. We had to drop the magic name to get in, but once inside we set up for thenight. Late night dancing and 2 bottles of Belvedere later, I took a cab back to Brooklyn. I love to dance.

I went to yoga today and yesterday. It's amazing yoga. Precise, articulate instructors, real chanting, exhilarating energy. There were about 100 people in today's Saturday 4pm class. In SLO, there are only morning weekend classes. This is crazy. To see 100 people in headstand or wheel pose, it's breath taking.

Ryan is being awesome and having great success sticking to his semi-vegetarian, dairy free, wheat free diet. I got a temporary gym membership so I won't go too crazy. It's still freaking cold though. I've seen 2 days of snow flurry... and this is April. Crazy.

I'm watching his 2 boxers silently knaw on eachothers faces. I still am going on the theory that inside dogs with no backyard go crazy. At least he has a roof they can roam on.

Well, dinner is made and eaten... I suppose I'll do something else. Hmmm... but what?

I imagine New Yorkers have knee issues in general from all the stairs and bad arch supported shoes. I keep observing body mechanics. It's just my nature.

Oh and the people here--still weird. Still off in so many lost worlds... and I say lost to me, but to them, I suppose I'm the lost one. It still holds true that the most friendly, centered population... the only ones that look you in the eyes... the yogis. Imagine that.

Hopefully I can get those rats out of my head. Maybe there are even some teenage mutant ninja turtles under there!!

The Gloomy Side of NYC

It's Friday. My fifth day of New York. Thus far it's been interesting... interesting in the sense that it's not home. It isn't my beloved central coast with endless mountains of clean air to climb, or ocean to play in.

Everything is spacially challenged here. The pools are advertised by feet instead of yards or meters... and FYI, 75 feet means damn short. You see a lot more junk everywhere.

I think the thing most challenging about the city is the people. They are unfriendly for the most part. You don't look at people in the eyes, which for me is horrible and challenging.

The other part of it all is living in someone else's space and trying to teach him how to reprogram his routines. Every night I blow up a double decker aero-bed, which, when it doesn't deflate isn't too bad to sleep on. I haven't had sheets, which means mid way through the night I wake up cold... or thinking the world has ended due to the sounds outside. I definately am not getting quality sleep.

Ryan gets up to work and I can either get up and out, or go back to bed in his room. It's alright. Oh and my clothes are in his room so the dogs don't chew them... which means I have to plan for anything before he rises to pack adequate clothing.

I feel like I'm cooking constantly, which I enjoy, but I'm trying to make things he'll enjoy... and coming from a donut and diet coke man--let's just say his body is in shock... tastebuds and all.

These are all good lessons.

We exercised yesterday, for the first time in a while. Damn I needed it. I was getting pretty cranky. It's harder to exercise here. It's cold... the gyms are small and equipment poorly taken care of.

I think I'll venture to D.C. today or tomorrow... see how much independence I can create in Ryan's eating routines.

Don't get me wrong... I am greatly enjoying my time, it's just an adjustment. I think the reason why I thought a month would be a good idea is because Ryan said that if I was coming to at least come for that long. I'm starting to think that was mostly for his benefit.

I don't need a month here. 3 weeks will be plenty, and Christa and Mom will be here soon enough. I do miss my beloved wine country, rolling hills, and ocean breeze.

And my boys... Ray and Tay... hopefully they don't disown me.

Brooklyn Day 1

Day 1 of Brooklyn, New York!

Today started where yesterday ended... on a red eye from San Jose to Newark, NJ. I half way slept due to the fact I occupied a middle seat. The man to my left was large and cuddley, so I leaned his way a few times.

I took a few different trains, but with commuter traffic (7-8am) and my baggage, I took a cab staight from manhattan. Now, knowing where the hell I am, not a big deal, but lost in the city with stuff, not so much.

So I got here, met the two precious boxers, who decided to lick me to pieces... I didn't argue since I had plain stench on me anyway. What a refreshing way to start the day!! After about an hour I started feeling sleepy and took a good nap.

Ryan and I headed for his girlfriend's house on the G Train in Brooklyn. She twisted her ankle, so we brought her Arnica gel and an ace bandage... oh and some chamomile and lavender tea for inflammation.

We then took a train to Manhattan where we shopped for running shoes and searched for JivaMukti, the yoga studio. We then ate a vegan lunch at a restaurant whose name I'm sure to eventually remember, and made Ryan's meal plan for his transition.

We then went to see 300 on IMAX which was incredible and LOUD! The men in that movie were delicious looking. Holy abdominals. I think that made the movie for me. Otherwise it was pretty bloody and violent, but the bodies... and they wore little speedo-like things so you could really see their legs. I'll get over it.

We then went to Whole Foods to get dinner, at this point we were famished so bought EVERYTHING in the store... carrying back on the L Train was tricky, but luckily, not far to walk.

I love vacation. I love that I'm able to take time off. I know I'm going to be a better employee and person because of this trip. Ray and I leave for Oahu on the 21st, and that will be the perfect Yin for this Yang life in NYC.

New Yorkers are quite interesting. Ryan tells me to not make eye contact... and the one time I did, the guy OBVIOUSLY looked me up and down. Crap. I'm used to at least trying the friendly vibe, but people here are so anonymous, it's amazing. We haven't seen anyone he knows AT ALL (besides his girlfriend) and he's been here 4 years!! If it were SLO, I'd have run into 15 people who I am closely connected to. Lots of freak shows too.

He's teaching me about the culture, about the trains, the city, the trends, the arts, and I'm teaching him about his body. It should be so simple. Such a good trade.

Well I should sleep. It's past midnight here, and even in California, it's past my bedtime.

...it is kind of nice being the only one with a tan here... but not flip flop weather--I'll have to wait until Hawaii.

That Wave

I slept in today, and I wasn't supposed to. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I don't want to be an early morning person anymore... not unless it's for my own benefit. I feel less stressed in general, after being pretty sick from last week's stress attack, and realize again that I can only do so much.

I'm wondering if this past weekend's 2 day cold was allergy related? I haven't had issues in the past, but the pollen in the air is thick. Venessa would be in agony.

I took Tay to the beach today after work. I almost took a surfboard, but took running shoes instead. That's the last time I won't bring both! The surf was perfect for me... little, clean, warm. The perfect wave. I imagine evening surf is going to be pretty good for a while... and I can't think of a better way to end my day.

Tay and I played soccer for about 3 miles. We'd switch off offense and defense, until we needed to gain some serious yardage. It was such good training to just run with the ball at my feet. It brings me back about 10 years :O)

I didn't bring my camera tonight, but it was one of those nights; warm breeze, pink sky, picture perfect. The clouds even have a way of perfectly framing the view, it's like they were only intended to be there... no where else.

After our run, I remembered what my live blood analysis doctor had said about releasing through cold water on the feet. I HAD to go in the ocean! After a brief dip, I could feel my body sigh. It only wanted to cool itself, and all that the day brought was heat.

I'm remembering how good this ocean feels, and plan to be in it as much as possible.... indefinately.

STRESS case

Today is Friday, thank the lord. Carrie covered for me this morning, so I didn't have to wake up at 5am. I actually had time for breakfast, a quick jog with Tay, tea, shower and time to write! What a difference in the day it makes.

Yesterday I got a little stressed out. We had a speaker ALL DAY paid for by the club (although since I'm not on salary, I missed my day's pay) who talked about machines, research and concepts we already are quite familiar with. It was interesting--YES, to get 50 athletic minded people in the same room at the same time, but he kept saying things like, "well since I'm not very smart..." or "not having that 180 point IQ..." It really just made me think to myself, well, why the f**k am I wasting my day listening to YOUR expertise?

Anyway, during the meeting I was making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish that day. Prioritizing, categorizing... they would have been so simple to just knock out! But NO, I had to listen to Mr. Insecure about his knowledge all day. So 4pm rolls around and I'm completely overwhelmed, not just because I've got my hands in so many project pots, but because in less than a month I ship out for an unpaid 5 weeks. There is a lot of prep work to be done to train someone in on my position, making sure all my clients keep their appointments with an alternate trainer... prep work like crazy.

So I decided to walk away and go to yoga. That could calm me down, right? Well little did I know, there's a place you can get yourself that's TOO stressed for yoga. I couldn't calm my breath, I couldn't relax into my poses. I couldn't think, and my dislocated wrist was killing me. Oh yeah, I slowly, over about a month's time dislocated my wrist... so that puts me out of my training certification this weekend, and out $300 bucks.

Anyway, then a friend calls and wants to have a business meeting in the morning. Then Betsy calls and tells me that she's disappointed that I didn't do her linens and water the plants, but she never specified that she wanted me to do any of it! I was literally there 3 nights while she was gone, but I guess I wasn't as 'adult' as she wanted me to be. It just snowballed.

Finally Ray and I rode our cruisers downtown and ran a few errands and caught part of SLO's Film Festival on Surfing. I paid $45 for two of us, which was fine, for a good cause. The first movie they showed I'd seen 10 times, and since I thought I was waking up early for my client, I skipped out before the 2nd. That's one expensive movie!

I also committed to house sit free of charge for a coworker, and went over to check out the situation. She's got fish, 3 dogs, one of which has pancreas issues, another one with SEVERE aggression issues, two cats, one with diabetes, the other secludes itself... and I guess that's all. They all get different diets/medications. Whew. Good thing I've got so much free time.

So I guess the point of the story is to not bite off more than you can chew. I guess it's time for me to realize that my plate is full and not to take on extra projects. It's just managing what I've already committed to that may drive me insane.

Sorry if you read all my bitching. I guess sometimes I just need it.

Best Chair Ever

I'm ironically sitting in the same spot as I was last week, the relax-the-back chair. I took 1/2 of Monday off, giving me two full days to unwind and relax.

I needed it. The last 2 weeks have been oh so stressful. It seems like I've reached the calm after the storm... finally.

I'm thinking about how I can start to work for myself more... how I can keep my own interest in mind as I'm working for others. I think it's about keeping records and notes of the things I'm doing, and also taking the time to ensure my basic needs are being met.

It's been hard not having a home. I've been staying with Betsy, which is absolutely great, about half the time, and with Ray the other half. Even though both places are cozy (especially with Ray's new bed and cookware) they aren't MY home. They don't have my things and my energy, only a small space. The detachment lesson is huge though, for that I am thankful.

I did get to the point last week of not having a place to go... Betsy had houseguests in her guest room, where I've been staying, and Ray and I were NOT getting along. It was the worst feeling in the world. So bad, that I looked on Craigs list the next day for rooms to rent for a few weeks. I drove around aimlessly, prepared to show up on a friend's doorstep, or at worst, sleep in my car. Thankfully Ray and I worked it out. Next time I'll just get a hotel room.

I'm getting excited about New York, and for that matter all that lies ahead. I'm excited about where I am and how I've established myself... and I hope that I can keep my head glued on tight enough to ride this wave for a length of time.

Figuring out how to vacation and get paid is my question. Maybe to find clients who travel and vacation... a high roller who needs a trainer to come along for the ride and keep their body in check?

I guess after watching The Secret, I just need to figure out what I want and ask for it... create the vision.

Perhaps it's time to explore this option...

Yummy Yoga

I headed home, to the nest. It was Saturday afternoon, rainy, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to create that ever-so-healthy environment I used to have in my own space. I will not sit around and waste my life away. I will not do nothing when there is work to be done. I will not just ly down and die and think that I didn't work as hard as I could have towards those things for which I am passionate.

So I made it here, after 3 hours of pouring down rain. I didn't care about the gas money, nor Taylor on my new leather, nor the weather outside. I needed to get away, and fast. It's not that anything is particularly wrong right now, but rather, nothing is particularly right. You know, the kind of right that makes you lose sleep because you just can't separate yourself from that passion--whether it be a person, a book, a puzzle, a question... I just can't find it.

I briefly watched Oprah talk about "The Secret" when I arrived. From what I gather, the secret is about like attracting like, or create what you wish in your life and like will attract to you. I agreed with Oprah... she said that's how she's always lived her life, and didn't know it was a secret! I think that I too live a pro-active kind of life and I know that if I don't create what I want, it rarely appears.

So, here I sit, in the 'relax the back' chair. My mom, Larry and I went to a killer dynamic yoga class this morning. The teacher took a liking to me. He was from India, and boy did he smile! I started to think about what it was exactly in each powerful teacher I'd come across that made me anxious for more.

Jennifer was my first REAL teacher, and she exposed me to the world of Ashtanga. Her presence was strong, adjustments delightful, and knowledge broad. Then there was Amy, who taught Nia. She allowed a blank canvas for personal expression, a non-judgemental environment, and play! Oh how I love love to play in my own skin!

I practiced with Alyson for a few weeks before she left for India, and I think she was one of my favorites by far. She provided laughter to yoga... it was light easy laughter. The poses were challenging, the class still moved along, but that smile felt so good on my face. She didn't intimidate; she came from such a strong loving place, you couldn't help but to just think of her as a great person. She wouldn't get into poses just to show you that she was capable, and related to things sometimes being hard!

Then I caught a few weeks of Peter before he moved to Santa Monica. I felt like I'd entered a secret society. I had dabbled in and out of classes since my teens, but had always been seeking more. Peter was what was more. His students were serious, capable, dedicated, and friendly. He taught in a small room in a church, hidden from the world. His style is dynamic, he articulates very well exactly how to move, and challenges your strength... physical, mental, emotional. With a handful of these classes, I felt like I'd entered a whole new realm of yoga. He taught a class up above Cayucos in the mountains which I can only describe as epic. He built an outdoor stage under this enormous oak. Of course I got lost and was late, and ended up practicing at his feet, at the very front of the stage. The wind whistled past us, the practice was brilliant, the woods almost came alive to assist us in our asanas. I remember getting into headstand, knowing that falling forward or backwards was not an option; I knew I had to nail it. I did... and as soon as I turned upside down, I saw the oak, in clear view, completely balanced and centered, and the wind... cool and calm flowing past us all upside down. Oh so powerful.

I think that's what it is about brilliant instructors, they allow a blank enough canvas, just enough guidance, but assist in creating some of the most powerful, clean and clear energy to bathe in.

Tawny's classes are amazing as well. She uses the most precise articulation to really evoke internal energy. Her music selections are brilliant, and have brought tears to my eyes. She's a feeler, and in her practice, I can see her feel what she teaches... without judgement, without forcing it, by just being open and present. What a class; what an amazing goddess of yoga :O)

And there are more... the more I write the more I think about the influence brilliant teacher have had in my life. Hana's creativity, the other Jenna's discipline. The list goes on and on. Jillian Pransky at Omega, Gabrielle Roth and her 5 rhythms of movement. I know in the first exposure if I meet a teacher who I want to learn more from. But what is it? What is it that captivates the attention of like minds, so much that you make that class a priority. If you're tired, sleep deprived, hung over, aching, wound up too tight, what PULLS YOU to that class?

It must be a secret.

...and more pictures

Lavender Sessions

Since I can't think of anything nice to say, I'll show pictures:

Impossible to Please

It's 9:15PM, and while I'm usually asleep by now, I'm awake with a wandering mind. There are too many 'what ifs' in life. Too many forks in the road. I'm starting to wonder if I've been strong enough to choose the path best for me.

I've cut back on the amount of time spent working this week. It's putting me into the 40-50 hour range, which I think is not too shabby. Lord knows I'd love to be 'semi-retired' but I don't think I'd have the same level of fulfillment I have now. At least when I do retire, I can look back and know that I've made a difference. I used to have so much free time to write, dance, play, run, and it seems now to be obsolete.

I've started to wonder if I'm an easy person to be around... I remember a certain ex saying that it was rough due to my high expectations. I feel like I'm pretty easy going, somewhat entertaining, and I can always perform circus tricks if anyone gets bored... but really, I think I'm damn hard to please. I wonder if the problem is that I hold everyone else in my immediate circle to the level I hold myself?

I started these thoughts when a few friends questioned inviting me to a party because they didn't quite know what to feed me... and this isn't the first time my food habits were inhibiting for others. For the year that I tried the effect of meat on my body, I was accepted by the majority of people (something I wasn't used to) regarding my food choices. BUT, I felt like shit. So why would I sacrifice my own well-being to make someone else feel more comfortable about their own choice?

Let's just face it... I'm impossible to please. So am I doomed for a life alone? Will I even know it if I'm in a solid relationship? Or do I just have to meet a guy who already meets and exceeds my expectations?

I don't know why these emotions come over me... is it because I'm insecure? Is it because I'm a perfectionist? Should I just get over it?

I guess time will tell. At this point I'm ready to run. Where? Somewhere that can house a Taylor.

San Simeon

Today was Super Bowl Sunday. It's been quite some time since I've written. Let's see if I can sum things up since the last time I've written...

I've been living with Ray and Betsy about half and half lately. I joke that they have 'joint custody' of me and Tay. It's actually a really good situation. Ray works Sunday to Tuesday, and I usually stay with him Wednesday to Saturday. The commute from his house is much easier than from Pismo, but man do I love seeing that ocean on the way home :o)

I finally bought my dream car, and it feels so good. I put enough money down that I can afford the monthly payments fairly easily. I do have expensive taste, and will have to make enough to sustain that.

I just recalculated my budget tonight... trying to see how much time I can realistically go to New York for. The plane tickets aren't too bad, but missing out on work will really do me in.

Last weekend my mom, sister and I met in Cambria for the first of (hopefully many) Lavender Sessions. It was a relaxing 3 day weekend that really helped me ground myself. I tell ya, work was hard to go back to after that! I could be happy and semi-retired :O)

The elephant seals were unreal! So much that I took Bets and Ray up there this past weekend. Well, and to get that yummy spicy red curry from Robins. Holy bajesus is that stuff killer!



During the Lavender Sessions, we also went to Hearst Castle. I've lived here seven years and never been. It was spectacular.

I'm not certain that all I've written makes sense, but my computer is about to run out of power, and I should be heading to bed, so I will fix it later.

Thanks for reading.

Hoppy New Year

So today is New Years Eve... and I'm still acting like the Grinch. I just don't think I'm a holiday person. Tahoe was a great time, but the snow could have been better. Mom has a second degree sprain in her MCL, so that was a bummer not to haver her "happy ass" out on the slopes.

It's December, the moon is getting full... I'm not AS confused as I once was, but rather looking for opportunity in all my madness. I know there's a lesson in all of this. I know there is a reason for all of this.

I go back to work on Tuesday, and that is going to be quite the reality shock. Back to the vibrating box, urgh. I love what I do, but I may be bored, or overstimulated, or something. I'm seeking something that I'm not sure exists in SLO... maybe I travel for a while and then take on a new position somewhere. My club is opening a new facility in Paso, 30 minutes north. That'd be a commute, but something new to do... or rather somewhere new to do it in. HMMM. The more I think, the more I realize that it's all in my control. It's all a choice.

My New Year's Resolutions:

1. I'm now VEGAN... wish me luck.

2. Live simply.

3. Not work so many hours in the day so that I can't PLAY with Ray and Tay.

Amy takes off for Africa on Wednesday... and I'm so excited for her. She's going to South Africa to work in an orphanage with AIDS babies. She'll be gone for 3 months. People can be so brave and so selfless, I'm so proud of her... I just hope she comes back :O)

So now Tay, Cooper and I are chillin' out. Who knows if I'll actually make it somewhere for midnight, I'm sort of a 9pm bed goer. We'll see.

Crisis Means Opportunity

Holy cow it's been a long time! Let's see if I can bring it all up to speed quickly...

I had a birthday, threw a great party, got the 30-day notice from my landlord, had tofurkey, car trouble, holiday party with too much tequila, and here we are today... I got two thrilling things!!!

1. A post office box that is adorable. They gave me #68, not 1000 and something, but 68, one of the originals!

2. A storage unit! This will inevitably be the cheapest rent EVER.

So there was my life in a nutshell. I'm pulling up my roots and moving back in with Betsy for a while. I have a few places I can go, and if those don't work, I may head back to the hub. I may have tapped out my opportunities in SLO. That's a reality I'm coming to terms with.

I'm not feeling very festive with so much preoccupation, but the fear and stress has finally lifted. I think I bottomed out last week, and now I just have to make lemonade out of lemons.

The one thing I keep thinking about is what my mom said a few days ago.

CRISIS MEANS OPPORTUNITY.

I don't want to lose steam at 24, I have to keep climbing.

Just One Day

I've written twice since the last full moon. Twice. Writing used to be my outlet, but at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen, or even put any energy out that doesn't directly enhance my quality of life.

I've had a hard time keeping up lately. I don't think I've had a real day off in over a month. Between pilates, wedding, pilates, Florida, birthdays, etc., I haven't seen much of myself lately.

I can't even keep my eyes open...

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, but the crazy thing is that a lot of people continuously live life like this. Lame.

Creation

It's Tuesday. I've seen 3 clients already, and now I await my pre-noon hike. Work is great, I'm extrememely busy with my own clients and also doing admin work. I really can't complain except that more people want my time than I have time to give. I know, it's a hard life.

So I've put together, by necessity really, some stretches for peoples hips and low back. I guess I've experimented until I've found a combination that jives particularly well.

Since stretching more clients, with some manual manipulation of muscles, and even sometimes bones... people are stoked. And think about it... if I saw a trainer doing a stretch on someone who looks to be in a trance, and they get up and walk more freely, no pain... I'd pay someone on the spot too.

So I don't want to push people away... what if I train other trainers to do this sort of thing. BUT if done wrong, there's a potential for disaster.

HMMM. I think I'll just go do more yoga. That's truly where I feel best.

It feels like I'm creating a whole new realm of training.

Ram Bam Thank Ya Ma'am

There's no doubt in my mind that the moon is powerful. I've written before about how odd things happen, people from the past resurface, mental states are almost taken over by the earth's energy. It's the closest to people walking around like zombies I think we ever get on earth.

Here are two interesting moon posts:

Lunatics...
The Moon Cloud...

So I ran into Joe, of course the ram from my past... strangely enough it was 7am and I'd taken a wrong turn on my way to Big Sky to pick up breakfast for Ray and I. I didn't recognize him at first, but then stopped to say hi and meet his dog. I went into Big Sky, and 2 minutes later, he walked in after me. Weird. One of the servers still thought we were together, as she packed coffeecake in the same bag for us. Comedy.

This moon is a Taurus moon, or the moon of the ram. People for almost 5 days this time have literally been ramming into each other. At work, twice in one hour, two different people tried to steal a machine I was leaning on with a client... I'm talking setting down their towels and all, not asking. It's never happened like that once, but twice... in the same day?!

Ray and I saw a woman back into another lady at New Frontiers today, I pointed at her and screamed before it happened and she looked at me like I was crazy. Little did she know, she was on moon crack. We heard right after that that 2 minutes before, another accident happened in the same spot.

Whatever it is, there is strange, crazy energy in the world this week. Ram moon, harvest moon, start of Fall, whatever it may be, people are crazy!

I myself had a pretty insane weekend. I was overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety. I blamed it on 3+ hours Fri-Sun doing Pilates, but it was more than that. I cried for the first time in a long time, hard and uncontrollably. I thought Ray way going to freak. I'd warned him of my craziness, but he hadn't seen me like this. I also freaked out and thought there were people in my house when I was home alone.

Day after day, it just gets more twisted. I mean, I know Taurus' are intense, but who knew their moon would send waves crashing?

Budge

Expressing Everyday Gratitude. That's what one of my emails was titled today. My grandfather used to say, "The Attitude is Gratitude."

Am I showing enough gratitude in my life in its present state?

The past few weeks I have been in job transition... at least in my head. I've been approached about a few intriguing projects, that seem to have some potential. I've also been negotiating for more income in my current position. The first offer was about as laughable as what I was previously being paid... the second offer is not much better. The more I fight for what I feel I deserve, the more I question my own worth.

In my heart, I know that I'm a hard working, dedicated, motivated employee... but what happens when you're working for a company in the health field that runs on a business model? They've made money on a this business model... but also in the process provided a facility to assist in changing lives for the better.

In a world where compensation is not readily offered (at least in my experience thus far) how the hell does one make a decent living? Especially when the cost of living comes pretty close to your wages?

I'm trying really hard not to judge anyone else right now. I sometimes wish I could live Ray's life... working 2 nights per week and playing 7 days per week. It's hard for me to give my all to all my clients and then come home to someone who has experienced nothing of the like all day. He keeps me sane for the most part though.

Going back to the subject of work, I almost feel as though my education, skills and experience matter very little in the grand scheme of things... I'm replaceable. BUT, I have a following. I've made a lot of people very happy in the 9 months I've been there... and that is worth thousands a month to them... even though I'm not.

Seriously, what gives?



The moon is getting fuller.

Breathe. Just breathe.

Float

This weekend was perfect... lots of sleep, yoga, pilates, yoga, surfing, more sleep. I took a long hiatus from surfing, and looking back I can't really figure out why. Surfing has never been my forte, but I've always enjoyed it. There's something about dunking into the ocean that nothing else can replace. I won't let the ocean intimidate me forever.

There seems to be a transition coming in my life, and I can't help but to feel a slight depression about making this choice. My life has been good... so why would I risk changing it? Or does reaching beyond my comfort zone help me to grow in a new light?

I've been walking around on the verge of tears for a few days now, but have been unable to let them flow, perhaps because I don't understand why they want to.

Ray has been wonderful lately... always happy and supportive. It takes one hell of a man to keep me a float. He's not someone who looks good on paper... he hasn't spent his life making those kinds of accomplishments, but he lives life everyday just as he wishes... and for that I adore him.

We laid in the park yesterday and ate lunch. I had just done 6 hours of pilates, he'd just surfed. Tay played ball pretty hard... I stretched Ray's hamstrings and shoulders and played with a few handstands. Everything was as it should have been.

Life is floating by, and I'm ready for the next challenge.

Oh good news, my hips are finally opening a bit! A little more each day... inch by inch, or rather millimeter by millimeter.

If all days glowed so bright...

I remember the days in the grass. Stretching, reading, eating burritos. We'd park ourselves for as long as time would permit, and reluctantly move on when the time came. I could have stayed on that grass forever... but it wasn't good for me.

I remember the days in your bed. I felt like there would be no other for me... I was done looking for love; I'd found my one and only. When you'd steal the covers, I'd simply move closer to your body. I could have stayed in your bed forever... but it grew too cold.

I remember your lips. I'd stare at them and wait for the opportunity to share in their beauty. I could have kissed those lips forever... but your eyes remained on the past.

I remember writing to you. We shared secretive feelings that were swallowed for years, not knowing they were in fact reciprocated. Merely a few words could bring me to tears. I could have read your words forever... but they weren't reality.

"Little oh blue jay, whistle me something, I'd like to hear...

I'm opening up my door, I'm letting down my guard, honey I'll let you love me but its gonna be hard.
But ain't that what we're here for? It's like I've always known.
Its magical to think about, and to realize I've grown.

Oh in dreams , colored roses..."

Itch the Bitch

Life is good.

Since coming back from Pinecrest, certain things have become clear. I've realized the importance of yoga, reading, sunbathing, and also Ray.

He's been my best friend for just over a year, and everyone knows I never thought I'd date another bartender. I avoided it for as long as I possibly could, but I soon realized that I saw him every single day, for a good portion of each day. It was easy, well it still is. We have everything in common... friends, sports, our love for Tay.

I worked all day yesterday, saw Ray for about an hour before he went off to work. This is his first week back to work, and trying times have arrived. He arrived on Murray Street at 4AM after his shift with entertaining stories that lasted just long enough to wake me up and start him snoring. I tried the couch... too cold. I came back to bed, and just when I fell asleep, it was time to rise again. He had intentions of painting, cleaning, exercising, etc. today, but when I called at 3, he and Tay were spooning with nothing on their day's resume.

Why I had dinner waiting when he arrived with Tay is beside me.

It's all his choice. I'm not one to pressure anyone into anything, but all I can do is choose what's right for me. I don't want him to feel like he's disappointing me, because if this is who he is... then that's the reality. In that case, it may only be a matter of time before the reality becomes motivating enough to do something about. He really is wonderful, I'm merely frustrated by the night terrors of alcohol... and we're not even talking about all the college boobs in his face all night.

Hmmm... apparently I had some bitching to do.

On a more constructive note, work is going really well. I'm actually making a good living, for San Luis anyway. I still have quite a few people interested in buying prints, but haven't gotten my shit together enough to sell. It's the framing that's so expensive and tricky. Once that's set, maybe I can make money that way too!

Well, it's time to do the dishes from dinner and walk Tay. Ray went to soccer practice, and I'm hoping his endorphins will rub off on me afterwards.

Oh, in exciting news, one of my clients, Joel has broken the 300lb barrier. He started at about 385 in just about January, and today he weighed in at 296!!! Every day he inspires me... I can't wait to see his body thin :O)

Lost Cause

Today has been by far the strangest day in many moons. I woke up at 6:20 for my client at 6:30... not nearly enough time to think. I was only 5 minutes late, and seeing as it was my big shot lawyer, I felt pretty bad. Shit happens.

So I go about my day, probably about 7 clients in total today, not a bad schedule. The thing about today is that I am totally disconnected. I don't know what the hell has probed this, but I'm running into things, dropping everything, forgetting appointments... hmmph.

So now I'm home. I finally have food in the house which feels good, but I can barely see the mounds of laundry drowning my room, and therefore my mind. There's just something about a clean room that allows my thoughts to flow free. So I guess the mission is fold, fold, fold.

Some good news... hmmm...

I'll think about it.

Until then, some pictures to entertain.

Wandering Mind

Because life is hard.

Because life can pick you up, swallow you and shit you out before you can think once about it.

When riding the wave of life, is it ever time to fight the current?

Does flowing through life get exhausting enough to quit or fight... or die contemplating?

How do we know when we have found IT? Love, light, sanity, elation, well being... or is there always a search for more?

What if we just aim to feel?

There are questions and there are answers... do we ask enough questions to determine legitimate answers? Or do we just keep asking until something makes sense.

Some THING. Some bit of sense unlike other sensible things... what gives?

The Beauty of Breath

Breathe... not because it's cool, not because someone told you it would make things easier, but because it brings life. It makes the organs glow with positive white light. It brings sanity and sanctity and everything impossible becomes suddenly obtainable. Because it will change your past, your present, your future, your SELF... breathe.

Dipshit

So I'm pretty much a dipshit. I noticed this morning at Rite Aid that I'd lost my credit/debit card. I remembered seeing it at the Cakery (quite impossible actually) and couldn't find it since. After frantically calling around, I finally tried to login to B of A online. It wouldn't log me on! So I am creating a conspiracy theory in my head. Somebody has stolen my card, closed the account and fled the country!!!

So, I call the bank... and sure enough, like a dipshit, I left the damn thing in the ATM on Monday :0) I never cease to amaze myself.

In other entertaining news, I cut Ray a mullet today... and for those of you who don't remember Billy Ray Cyrus, here is what the mullet looks like:

or check out http://www.mulletmadness.com/.

Life is funny.

Fire

Yoga tonight was excellent. All day I thought about how much I had to do, and hoped that I'd be able to scurry over to Tridosha. I made it happen... I had to.

Even though now, at 8:30pm, I have 4 programs to write and 3 baskets of laundry to fold (why on earth does someone need so many clothes?) I made it.

I've been thinking quite hard about how to incorporate vacation as more of my daily routine. Vacationing just felt so good to my soul, there must be a way to do it more often... and maybe even get paid for it.

Pinecrest pictures turned out great, except for the fact that I'm a dipshit and deleted half the pictures... hopefully Ben and Larry can perform some kind of witch magic and make them reappear.

The days are dragging, and I'm longing for hammock naps and long love affairs with my book. I guess that's what dreams are for. Tonight in yoga, Alyson the instructor made the analogy of finding where the muscle burns and sitting in the fire. I guess maybe that's what I'll use to get me through life. Sit in the fire, for the future may be fruitful.

Wishing for Simplicity

Writing hasn't been a priority and I think this is why I'm getting grumpy. It's Friday, the Friday of my first week back to work. Hanging out in the wilderness was so cleansing, so rejuvenating, so good for my soul...

I try to incorporate all of these things in my everyday life each year after Pinecrest. Unfortunately, I was greeted by flashing lights, annoying music, gym rats, and tons of work. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I've actually been making enough money to live off of! But, I miss the serenity of Pinecrest. I miss being able to sleep when I needed sleep, exercise when need be, and jump in a lake when the world is too hot or too overwhelming.

So, here I sit, in my house, sun setting... I have a good life. But, today, I let stress overcome me. I woke up frantic and late, made it to work for my 6am appointment, and back in bed by 7:15. I've created this idiotic cycle. I wake up after not getting enough sleep, so I nap mid morning. Well then when evening comes, I'm not tired because I've napped, therefore the cycle continues.

Chris brought home a puppy today; he's puppy-sitting... which is ok, but adding to my stress and anxiety. I just need to breathe. Inhale... exhale... but even that seems to complex for a night like tonight.

The good news is that I've committed to yoga again, and that feels great.