Glass

I long for the days of endless sun, when I'd turn my phone off and day dream. He'd spend hours searching for me, knowing the general area I would bask in the light of day. The surprise of seeing my love find my lounging body in the middle of nowhere was blissful.

I didn't know who I was, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but I knew he loved me. He loved every ounce of who I was, and what I represented. I could do no wrong. In his eyes, there was no other woman on earth.

We'd spend late nights drinking fabulous bottles of wine, staring into the eyes reflecting our own beauty. A truely disfunctional pairing it was, looking back... and I think I always knew it, but knowing his love, made me think we'd survive anything.

They were days of invincibility, days of triumph, of romance, of passion. I almost wish I'd never tasted it, so that every other taste was bearable... but nothing is so sweet. Nothing feels so blissful.

Tainted now by these dreams of the past, I have built a mountain of glass around me. I am unattainable, even to those who know how to play my games. They can see in, and I can see out, but my bubble is too thick, indubitably. I know love... and this is not it.

Love is nested in those days of endless sun, rolling around on our private beach, making plans for the future as if it was close enough to reach out and touch. He was a piece of me, and I... a piece of him.

Everyone was sure we'd last... that we were the lucky ones. They'd hope I would find the strength to fly even in his arms, and that he wouldn't be seduced by a risky career move.

No longer do I search for love. I've seen it, I've felt it, and I know that when the time is right, it will find me again. I won't have a choice. The sun will find me again.

Vino Vino

Everything is tense... my shoulders, my legs, my head.

I'm started drinking a bottle of 'Big House Red' at about 1pm today. I was supposed to be at work at 2, but got my shift covered. Getting paid 8 bucks/hour didn't seem too enticing today... not with what's all in my head.

The gas was shut off again today. I found out when The Landlord's brother was standing right there. I cursed a bit, then appologized... it was in fact his brother.

Mira moved out yesterday... I am incredibly bummed. On top of that, Chris is in Washington for 5 days. I am alone, here, in this beautiful studio... tampered by the thoughts that in two weeks, I will be homeless.

I put so much into this spot on earth. Made each wall the perfect color, made each nook shed the most beautiful light into the rest of the room. All of this I will leave behind.

I am getting tired. Tired of uncertainty, tired of the odd hours, tired of not sleeping until at least 6am, tired of dust settling too soon after cleaning. I know my will is strong, but there are so many little things that have gotten under my skin. I try so hard to stay positive, and to the outside world, I am. But inside I'm swirling down a rabbit hole, so confused by what is, and even more by what isn't.

So, today I will clean, and hopefully brush some of this uncertainty away. Being frustrated isn't going to help anything. The more I think of it, the more moving away has a seductive scent.

Numb Day

It's almost 1am and I've got an hurting back, but too much energy to sleep. A lot has happened in the last week or so.

I decided to finally explain to the Landlord how the situation in the house actually is. You see, he's moved back in, after being gone for almost a year, to a household that isn't too fond of him. And this is all with good reason. He's been disrespectful and irresponsible for quite some time, and the fact that he's noisy is icing on the cake. No need for details, but when Mira was sleeping on my couch, I knew the situation had gone on too long.

I was the only person in a position to say anything. Chris works with him, Mira is 18 years old... and frankly a bit terrified of him. So I sucked it up, and in the most gentle way, wrote a very direct email, and gave my 30 day notice.

That was that... so I thought. The next day, I had my early morning appointments, came home for a short while and started to leave to go back to work. I backed into the solar sign (the company both Chris and the Landlord work for) and it flew up and shattered my back window. Hmm. Ok. Karma?

I caught a ride into town, reshuffled my next day and worked for another 6 hours. I got a call while I was working from Mira... crying. Apparently the Landlord came home and 'chewed her out' about how she was sensitive to noise, blah, blah... and basically made her break down and call her mom to rescue her next week. It just wasn't necessary.

So I get home, comfort her... Chris, Mira, Ray and I walk with Tay to get burritos... something to soothe our shitty day. When I get home, I'm working on my 4th grade lesson for the next day when my dad calls and informs me that grandma is in the hospital, and was recessitated in an ambulance a few days prior. I haven't seen her in probably ten years, and because I can't take the time off of work, and an extended weekend doesn't justify the situation financially for the paternal side... I probably won't get to see her again, unless I can come up with the cash to fly to Naples. Fat chance, seeing as I'm not even making enough to live of off... especially at $3.49 per gallon.

Oh, and I didn't get that house. They didn't want a dog... and I can't abandon my prince.

I feel like all day I was just numb to everything going on. I didn't cry, I didn't complain... I just kind of chuckled to myself, waiting for what was next... I just couldn't feel. When it rains it pours.

Anyway, on a lighter note, things at work are going great. My client base is growing quickly, and I'm feeling really good about the difference I am making in people's lives. I really care about helping people, and I know it shows in my work.

Now, I'm in San Jose, almost ready to sleep. I just went to see Steel Magnolius (is that spelled right?) because Lilly was playing Oiser. All the fam, from coast to coast is here... at least the fam I grew up with. It's nice to be around people who just love me... who just really love me.

I should sleep... I'm cooking brunch for 15 in the morning :) I'm thinking cinnamon-banana flax pancakes, tofu veggie curry scramble, egg veggie scramble, fresh pineapple and apples, home made scones... I'll just go with it. I love to cook.

Self Worth and Food Drugs

It seems very apparent to m e that there is a trick to self worth. We use aspects or things in our lives as excuses. “Well, if I’d lose that extra ten pounds I’d feel better about myself.”

And then some of us take it one step further. If I can’t be ten pounds lighter, I am not OK, or I am not worthy of being loved. We put all energy into losing that ten pounds, but subtly sabotage it.

We punish ourselves with patterns or foods that we know will make us gain weight. Most everyone knows what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat… but actually doing it is entirely another matter. Our minds chime in with, “oh it will be OK to have just one cookie!” But once the damage is done, it’s easier to eat two cookies, or a handful of cookies, or the whole damn box!

So what happens when and if we actually lose that ten pounds (figuratively speaking)? Is everything OK in the world again? Or do we choose something else as an excuse to punish ourselves.

I’ve been 100 lbs and I’ve been 160 lbs, and I’ve never liked my body. Others have… but I have always found the negative to outweigh the positive, and I’m a personal trainer with a degree in the health field!

Most nutritionists don’t even know what to eat, much less tell others what to eat. We live by the ideal 1% of people on the cover of magazines, while there is a nation of people so fat that they’ve given up on themselves. Over 67% of our nation is overweight! Do you know what they do?

They take pills for cholesterol. They take pills for blood pressure. They take pills to control their health, but what they don’t know is that they are consuming drugs in their foods that are sabotaging their bodies more than their minds could imagine.

High Fructose Corn Syrup, Sugars, Partially Hydrogenated Oils, Fractionated Oils, Modified This or That… the list goes on and on. These are drugs! Yes, they taste good, but they make you act, look and feel like shit.

Just something to chew on.

More to come.

Two Day Weekend!

Today is Friday. HAAAAAH. The sun is finally out, and nothing can keep me down today.

I spent the morning working, then cleaning, then running a few errands... and back to the cleaning. Cleaning is so therapeutic for me. It really makes me feel like I'm turning a fresh sheet of bright white paper over in my book of life.

Living out in Los Osos has been good for me, but it's time to get back into SLO town. I'm really hoping for this place:

It's one bedroom, one bath, and very cozy. The part I'd be renting is just the left side.

Anyway, I don't want to get my hopes up...

I am so very comfortable in my studio now, I wish I could just transport it into SLO.

So today I loved me... my plants, my floors, my room, my clothes, my body. It's hard giving so much to other people, especially when you are low on self-nurturing time. I think these are often the times we get injured or sick, forcing ourselves to love our bodies and spirits... or calling subtly to another person to aid in the healing process. It's recharging the batteries that really helps people to succeed, in their health, in their relationships, in their lives.

I was thinking the other day that I should write a book on this town. It's an extravagant bubble, keeping all its inhabitants sheltered from the storm. A slow moving town, slow to progress, slow to make change... I mean really, I've been living in a house without heat, sidewalks, street lights and a sewer system. It took my mom telling Alex out loud for me to realize the fact that, yes, this is my living situation. Oh, but it's so pretty!

Anyway, I think it's a unique area with many stories to tell, much of which are unheard by most of the world. I think I'll start formulating chapters and just keep putting little things together for a while. Books usually take years to write so I hear, I'll just stretch out the process :) I know that I'm not a professional writer, nor do I have perfect grammar, and I can't spell without spellcheck (which this program doesn't have) but I feel like someone should speak for this quirky spot in Central Coastal California.

We'll see how long this idea lasts.

Peek A Boo

Just a quick story... it probably won't be funny but it brought a big smile to my face.

I woke up early for a client, drove into town, drove home for a quick nap and run before looking at studios and work again. So Tay and I ran down to the bay, really booking it. We saw the regulars; dog walkers and lone walking adults wandered about.

We were running back, taking a little bit of a different path, passing by houses and such instead of dirt trails. Anyway, it's probably been about 4 miles or so, I'm focussed... and I see a 4 foot fenced in yard to my left. Then all of a sudden a man pops up with a black beanie and glasses, smiling.

Devin's gopher story popped into my head and I laughed out loud. I laughed for the entire duration I was on his street. I even said, "that's great!" not knowing if he even considered what his situation (I think gardening) looked like from the outside.

Oh boy... good times :)

Way better than the birdwatcher.

Yoga Kids

I don't think I've written about the Wednesday after school lesson in Atascadero, but I keep thinking about it. The lesson was on balance and flexibility, and we did a yoga activity. Erin and I started off with a demo... I told them to stay very very quiet, and I first did a backbend from standing. A few of the girls said, "I can do that!" and then we asked what was necessary for that demo?

For the next trick, I jumped up on the ball on my knees, they kept chatting a bit to eachother while they watched, but as I stepped one foot up, then the next foot up and stood up, they were dead silent. As I stood on the ball (yes, the full stability ball) they were amazed. It was the perfect intro to the lesson... and they could see how much concentration it took.

Anyway, we taught the lesson, and afterward we did a yoga activity. I had my mat in the front of the class, and all 15 students had towels facing forward. I put them through a few vinyasas just to get them warmed up. There were a few laughs from the hyperactive boys, but most everyone was intensely watching. I did a few basic poses, Padangusthasana, Utthita Trikonasana, Prasarita Padottanasana A, Virabhadrasana A & B, Dandasana, Padmasana, and ended with 3 intonations of om and a long Savasana. Afterwards, one girl sat up and said, "can we do that again?" Of course! I let them hang out in Savasana for a good 5 mins the second time until we had to get going.

We brought lemon/cucumber water for them to taste, and finished up with a post-test to see what they'd learned. Of all the lessons, this was my favorite. They were so quiet, so balanced, and all focussing on their ujjayi breathing. Good times.

This was the first time I've taught to an older group of kids. I used to teach 3-5 year olds at Avila, but they were so tiny and didn't always have the best bodily control. This age was pretty fun... we have one kindergartener, and the rest 3-6th grades. Still no adults... but I don't think I'm ready for adults, I have much to learn still.

Transience

It's Sunday... and the last weekend day I'll be working for a while. Six work days per week is too much, but it's not entirely horrid because I really enjoy what I do.

I've been contemplating since I decided to move, if it's time for me to relocate? San Francisco, New York, Stockholm? Or is it time for accupuncture school? The longer I stay in this area, the more I realize how we are all in a constant transient state. This place is a stepping stone... but with the ever present beauty and opportunity for outdoor adventure, if one can afford to live here, it's paradise.

My problem is that I can't afford to live here... not with my current financials. I save everything, only really spending money on gas and food, with the occasional massage or body treatment, (which is essential to my well being,) and it still doesn't cut it.

So now, do I move to SLO... do I move across country... do I go back to school?

I think the solution for the time being is to work my ass off as a trainer for a while and make as much as I possibly can, looking forward towards administrative opportunities, and if it doesn't work... well then I'll move on.

Something that I've been thinking a lot about is the breakup of 'Three's Company' or Yukie, Karla and Devin. For the last few years, their house has been like a second home, a place of endless laughs, good wine, good food, good times... and all of it is reaching culmination. Yukie moves out soon to a studio in SLO, Devin leaves (seemingly momentarily) for Japan, and Karla will find 2 new roomies. I don't necessarily think it's a bad move for any party involved, but it poses a new aspect of reality in this (again) transient town.

Pulling up the Roots

Today I made a good decision... to move back into San Luis Obispo. I've been out here in Los Osos for almost 2 years, and I don't regret a day of it. What I care very little for is the amount of time in which I spend driving in and out of SLO. I make at least 2 trips per day, as I usually have early morning clients and afternoon clients. It just makes sense to move back in... I'm paying about $35/week in gas or about $140 per month. My rent now is $625+utilities... and SLO will be somewhere around $700-$800+utilities. That pretty much evens out.

So I put an email out earlier this evening, and already I have 2 leads. They are both in my old neighborhood, a place I have held in my heart for quite some time. Both in walking distance to downtown and High Street Deli. I'm going to check one place out tomorrow... we'll see!

I'm actually quite excited about it. I was pretty bitter when my roomie/landlord raised rent for me, mostly because it was at a really inopportune time, but also because I have no kitchen, no heat, and we always run the risk of utilities shutting off b/c he doesn't pay the bill. No gas for 3 days last week was fun! Anyway, even though I LOVE my studio, I do not love driving, and cannot wait to ride my bike everywhere again :) So the search is on! I spent about 1 1/2 hours tonight searching the internet, but as I've learned time and time again in this town, connections will get you everywhere.

This past week was really good at work... I think I started about 5 new clients, not all consistent yet, but it's a-growin'! I feel good about the work I'm doing, and love learning from each of my clients. It's such a feel good job. I know I change lives.

Also, I had a foot spa treatment today, neurofeedback and used a chi machine. I played at a new friend, Karla's house today. The foot spa was quite interesting. What it does is sends an electrical frequency through the body and lets it release toxins, metals, and organ junk. The colors that come out are pretty cool. The whole tub was cloudy black-green with swirrels of brown. So cool. I think we're going to trade. She made me realize again how awesome it was being raised with such an awareness of health and wellness. It really appears that I'm ahead of the game, so to speak. Thanks mom.

Old Lady

It's not yet 9:15pm, and already I'm past my bedtime. This lifestyle I've created is quite refreshing by day, but pretty lame at night. Every day this week I have 5:30am appointments, and I can't blame people for wanting to get their exercise in before work... but man alive! It's seeming earlier and earlier each time. I don't know how long I can handle it.

The largest change has been my lack of drinking and late nights, which I can't say is necessarily a bad thing. My evenings have evolved so much that on weekends I have no urge to go out. I've really disconnected with most social things besides work. I joke about it frequently, and I don't think it'd be so dreary if I had someone to keep me company... other than my now stinky dog.

Some good news: my orchid is about to re-bloom! I've killed a few orchids in my life... but currently I have 2 live, healthy plants, one of which is getting pretty close to blooming! Perhaps the sheet will block it's sun? Maybe it will be an evening sheet?

I do have a beautiful place to live in this studio... but rarely do I have company, or even the energy to entertain. Maybe it's just a little hibernation.

Bad Ass Pirates

I guess I just go for periods of time without writing... and that's OK. I think a lot about it, and often write the story of my life in my head, but it seems rarely have I gotten in out lately.

Much has been happening in the last while. Work has been good. I'm acquiring clients, building a reputation, having fun... but also working long hours, going to bed painfully early, and my social life it pretty much non-existent.

The two men I have feelings for have significant others, which leads me to believe I choose the wrong men. Shocking, I know! There is a new interest developing at work, who I invited to a film at The Palm today about the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society. He brought a friend. When one-on-one we have a lot to talk about, but with an uncomfortable friend, all bets were off. I took off to wander.

The film was about a group of people who harass whalers and have sunk 9 whaling ships while in harbor. They are pretty much modern day pirates. Incredibly enough, about 1,000 whales are being killed each year, currently! The Japanese government is trying to sell whale meats and products to kids to get them hooked. This organization (who is affiliated with GreenPeace) is shooting to raise 3 million dollars for a new ship that can keep up with whaling ships. Check out their site for ways to help them reach this goal. I gave $20 today, as that's all I can really afford, actually more than I can afford... but you can donate old cars, ships, or frequent flyer miles as well.

Anyway, life is good in Los Osos, but there is still a missing link. I'm not sure what my next step in life is, but I'm trying to keep my head on tight... trying to keep an aspect of zen at all times.

I finally got on my yoga mat for the first time in a long time. I determined that my uncovered front sliding door was the cause of much anxiety due to the next door neighbor lurking. I covered it with one of my favorite sheets... you know mom, the one with the red, blue and yellow flowers we used to picnic on? Well, it's proven to bring a large sense of security, and my practice was great today. Why on earth didn't I do that sooner?

Disappearing Act

Ok, so maybe I haven't found enough time to write lately, but I find if I don't write about something while it's happening, there is always something else I feel compelled to write about.

I've been formulating the next newsletter for the last month or two... not feeling like it's ready, but when it is, it will be worth reading.

So today is Wednesday. Yesterday I worked from 5:30am and didn't get home until 9ish. Yes, I did take 3 hours to workout and a lunch break and a spin class, but I was still exhausted. Maybe even more so that if I'd just been working others out and not myself. While I was working, one of my coworkers came in to workout, saying he needed cardio. I agreed, and said that I too needed a mega dose of consistent cardio. We talked about both being on a fat loss mission. He says, "want to make a contest out of it?" I immediately replied, "yes!" as that was just the motivation I was looking for.

Don't get me wrong, for the last 2 months or so I've been very committed to my fitness goals, increasing cardio, lifting a lot. But now, this is forcing me to take a very close look at my diet. For the most part it is great, but I do slip up for sweets or salts eventually. Over the next few hours, we recruited at least a dozen more participants.

We took our baseline bodyfat measurements yesterday. I'm at 21.8% body fat... which is well within the normal range, but I have a bit to lose... and some incentive. It's $25/person to enter, and with at least 10 participants, the prize would be $250ish. That's what I'm talking about!

I did a few calculations, and if I were to lose 13lbs of fat, I'd be at 14.6% body fat... could I win with that loss? It's about 1.6lbs per week since it's an 8 week program. If I were to lose 18lbs, I'd be at 11.7% body fat... which is probably a little low for me. Something also to consider is the triathlon training, and converting these muscles from lifting muscles to swim/bike/run muscles. Oh this is going to be fun!!!

This is a true test of my commitment to this field. Losing weight is an uphill battle, and boy do I like to climb those mountains!

NYC

I don't realize how much I like to write until it's been too long. I think my last blog was just before the NY trip.

So much has happened. New York was amazing... I drove up to San Jose with both dogs, stayed the night and flew out early in the morning. We flew all day, having to stop in Dallas for a few hours.

The first day or so we were in the city, I couldn't help but to look for three particular connections:
1. I was searching for the all too familiar cast of Sex and the City walking down the streets.
2. I was scheming about where the SVU detectives would find their next body... in Central Park, underneath the trash piles, on the subway???
3. Does Central Perk actually exist? Where were my famous 6 Friends hiding out?

Anyway, my brain gave it a rest after a day or so and I could relax into my surroundings, or as much as New Yorkers relax.

The conference was amazing. The first day Christa and I spend entirely with Gabrielle Roth. She developed the '5 rhythms' theory for dance while working at Esalon decades ago. I've read one of her books, and have danced with her music a bit. The class was great to watch unwind, watching people new to letting their bodies move was just amazing. There is something so freeing about letting the body do it's thing. Gabrielle looked extremely tired, or hung over or something, but her wisdom was priceless.

I plan on writing more about the conference, putting together some notes and such, in due time. Another highlight was Malcolm Gladwell, more later.

We went to Canal Street to shop, kind of like being in Tijuana but with English speaking people. The diversity in NY was terrific. I love where I live, but we are so white it's disgusting! It was refreshing to see people of all colors, and for that to be normal.

We flew back on Monday, to JFK to LAX to San Jose. On the flight to LA I saw Mariska Hargitay, or Olivia Bensen from SVU. I've literally seen every episode. I couldn't wait to tell my SVU fanatics... Mira, 3s Company... so exciting. Tuesday morning I drove the three hours in the rain back to Los Osos.

So I had my interview on Tuesday afternoon for Fitness Director. Yukie told me she'd help prep me but forgot... I let it go; I was mentally prepared... I put so much intention and thought into the position. I did great. I felt confident. I was glad I got the chance to sit down with 5 very talented directors/managers and to show them who I am and what I am capable of.

I knew it was a little premature because I've only been there about 10 weeks, but I had to try. I didn't get it. Basically the verdict was that I haven't been there long enough. Bummed. But, the harder I work, the more steps I take, the more likely I will get a better position in time.

So I found out I didn't get the job, and also found out that the accommodations for Mammouth fell through. Damn. Roommate Ryan was planning on going to his cabin, but said he didn't have room for Chris and I. Whatever. So I was bumming pretty bad... sitting talking to Ryan about being scared about money and such. Then he tells me he's raising my rent... by $150 per month. Great timing Ry. All that with the combo of getting yelled at by a member at Kennedy for advising his 10-year-old to workout with a parent on the weight floor, I pretty much said a big FU to the world for a few days and kept to myself.

Dogs needing attention, to be continued...

In life there is pleasure and pain... all I can hope for is to find a balance amongst it.  

Almost There

It seems like most of my posts lately have read something about work... or how tired I've been. Well, ladies and gentleman, the train stops here. I have 5 days straight to work, off to NYC, and then... my floor shifts are (by request) almost cut in half! Hooray!

So once this happens, the search for consistent clients becomes more intense. The more consistent clients I get, the more money I make, the easier my life becomes. This is the goal... but I still find myself giving away training sessions just because I feel an obligation to not keep important information from people I know could really use it. It's what I'd hope someone would do for me. Anyway, I feel that it will all come back to me. It is frustrating getting my paycheck for 2 weeks in the amount I'd make in 5 nights of serving cocktails or 2-3 nights bartending. That sucks... but I feel good about what I do, I'm healthier, and I sleep better at night. Maybe I just need to get my clients drunk before I bill them?

I had a great swim today. I called almost everyone who I know swims in town, but everyone was busy with other obligations. So, I decided to swim alone... it was better that way I figured because I tend to swim more without the distraction of another person.

I was sitting in the spa warming up listening to the swim instructor, Linda, talk about strokes, triathlon, and random swim facts to the other members. I slipped into the only lane free, but noticed it was reserved for class. I told Linda to kick me out once she needed it. She told me that she didn't expect many people to show, so I was OK.

A few laps later, she stopped me and asked if I wanted to join her Masters class. I thought to myself, why the hell not? There was a cute visiting assistant that I found motivational as well. I have mostly been swimming freestyle for as long as I can remember, with the occasional butterfly, and most of this workout was IM type stuff, in a 50 meter pool mind you. So I struggled through the 50 fly sets, but everything else was fine. After 1 1/2 hours I was pooped! Quite the motivation it was... and having 2 people correct my strokes was helpful. But, my momma taught me well. Thinking back, I can only remember being coached by someone other than her when I was about 10. Apparently I am a decent stroker... who knew?

So I'm excited about the things to come... travel, less hours working, but still frustrated with finances. It is such an expensive place to live! My studio is nearly perfected however... I feel really good about my home and the warmth it brings me. Oh, and Ryan is finally home. We've got a full house, two gals, two guys, and two pups. The sexes are balanced as of now, but when Luna leaves the males outnumber the females... not a household I'm used to! Good times in Los Osos.

Burning Candles

I've been burning the candle at both ends. Today is another long day... 5:30am to 10pm with a few breaks, but none the less, my adrenals are flowing all day long. I'm tired, I'm hypersensitive to light, sound, people.

I feel like on my breaks I'm never allowed to truly relax. There is always something else to be doing. I suppose most people with full time jobs feel the same way, but they probably make a whole lot more money than I do. I'm not making very much at all. That part is frustrating.

So I sit here in the lobby at work, planning an escape for a few hours. I just feel like I want to cry... a breakdown to make me feel strong again or something. It could be a whole lot worse.

I've decided to love Luna, and she's been better. The weekend was good for her. I was home both days and able to take them both out a few times each day. I think it really made her feel good to know someone was there.

Ok, a walk or something. I'm going crazy.

Going the Distance

It's raining again, and I'm getting pretty excited about Spring coming! I had an early morning this morning--up at 5:45am, but much better than the 4:30am gig I pull on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This week I have really felt alive; I started my long distance cardio again. I've had a few good 5-6 mile runs, a 2700 meter swim, ran from Kennedy 2.5 miles to the base of Madonna where I ran up and down the mountain and then 2.5 miles back to work... 1 hour and 38 minutes, tried my first African Dance class, had another few runs and swims... I feel great.

I still haven't gotten myself on my road bike. I've been out on my cruizin' bike quite a bit putzing around Los Osos, but that's about it. The dirt and sand are quite fun to bounce around on, even without shocks.

The full moon was a little crazy, but surprisingly enough not for me... I hid. I was at work of course, where I ran into the usual crazies, but nothing extraordinary. At a local Denny's (about 15 miles from my home) we had a random act of violence. A homeless man walked in with two semi-automatics and shot a bunch of people, killing 3 and injuring a few more, then killed himself. Crazy.

I miss lifting weights. I may get in a short session today, but long cardio has been working wonders for my spirit!

Luna goes home this weekend. I can't take it anymore. She has been chewing, whining, waking the neighbors, slept on my new couche last night leaving her fur behind, and chewed my wallet this morning. I'm over it. No mas Luna. She means well, but I need my sanity back... at least as much as I've had lately.

Soon to Sprout Green

I've been trying to write for a few days now. The hail is coming down outside my studio, making big blobs of what appears to be ice. The rain brings such a dreary undertone to life... but also hope to what lives outside. Hope that some day the hills will turn as green as they have before, even if it is only two beautiful weeks.

Since I arrived here almost 6 years ago, I've dreamt of photographing the Spring green. Each year I leave town right around that time and casually think it will hang around until I get back. Never happens. There have been magical moments that I have captured on film, or more currently digitally, but none like that 2 weeks in Spring.

So as the rain pours, I think about the water soaking in and nourishing the ground and its inhabitants, for soon the rolling California hills will grow again, and this year I won't allow myself to miss it. It's just too angelic.

Luna is not driving me that crazy anymore. She's still insane, yes, but she is ok. If she were a human, she'd definately be diagnosed with a few disorders... hyperactivity, high anxiety... what else... mom?

But she means well. I slept on the couch last night in the main house. As soon as I got home from work about 8:30pm, I watched 3 minutes of the fashion police from the Academy Awards, and passed out. I had to see what the designers are creating for the red carpet, and what the fashionistas are saying about them and those who wear their pieces. Mira woke me up for a foggy conversation around 11pm, and I decided to just stay warm sleeping and deal with the aching hips in the morning. That futon has seen some long days and long nights.

Today is one of those days I wish I could just eat soup and read... or swim, or run, or anything other than work. But a-working I shall go... spreading the knowledge to the general public... changing lives by changing bodies... helping people to find their internal motivation by using my external tactics... tazers, whips... I mean jump ropes, free weights, treadmills...

Strength

I feel like I'm going to snap. All day I am training people, helping anyone with whatever they need, and I get home to two dogs who need my undivided attention. So I play ball, I take them for walks, and it's still not enough to calm Luna down. She still itches, she still paces, she still whines.

So I calm myself in a bubble bath. She pries the door open to investigate what I'm doing... for the love dog! Can't a girl get a little peace? I'm washing their beds, and of course Luna decides to chew Taylor's bed. Good girl Luna. Spill the box of nails over while you're at it.

It wouldn't be such an issue if I had more time, but my day tomorrow starts at 5am and ends at 10pm... no breaks. That's 17 hours straight of training, watching the baby, teaching and instructing... I hope I can con someone into loving these dogs for me. They are great dogs, really... just a lot of work. And poor Tay misses his alone time with me.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

A Day Off

Work has been busy, and all I've wanted to do is write. My days lately have been 4:30am wake and 9pm sleep... if I'm lucky. I'm building my client base at Kennedy in the mornings (starting at 5:30am) and have floor shifts afternoons and evenings, sometimes until 10pm. In combo with that, I'm still watching baby Tristam a few days per week and helping to build an afterschool enrichment program with Karla.

Today was my first day off in what seems like weeks. I swept, I mopped, I scrubbed, I watered my plants. I took care of only ME today (well, and two dogs) and it felt great.

Luna is a little crazy for my liking. Tay Tay doesn't get as much attention as he used to with her around. I think he's happier having her to play with during the day, but not so much when people are present. He is used to NEVER being outside, and now he's outside for the majority of the day. Not too pleased with that. She is sweet though, an anxious kind of sweet. However, she sends almost an intense wave of anxiety directly to my head when she paces and cries.

There isn't anything I enjoy more than seeing the two of them play in the ocean together... it makes it all worth it. I do wish I had a little more free time to dedicate to the beach/dog cause.

This week we start teaching the enrichment program... it's one day per week for ten weeks. It should be a good experience.

I love love my place here. I have two dogs on my bed, (only because theirs are too dirty to put on my clean floor) I'm surrounded by plants and art and music. I love my freedom, I love my friends and my work makes me feel good.

I am learning so much about myself, where I want my career to lead, about life, about love, about fear and doubts... each day I learn, I read, I speak, I teach.

I've been listening to this recording every morning for about a month now... his name is Dr. Rob Gilbert. He records a new message every day with inspiring thoughts and stories. I'm hooked. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this to call him everyday for a week... he'll change your life. His number is: 973-743-4690. He's a professor somewhere on the east coast. Not sure the specifics.

Now I will sleep and back to work tomorrow... hopefully I will have some time to write a newsletter in the next couple of days. I've been doing all kinds of research lately, so much to write about... I love it.

Into the Light

It's Friday night and man am I exciting! I worked today, first at Kennedy then ran to a meeting downtown for an hour. She talked too much and I missed my opportunity to eat lunch, because I needed to make it back to Kennedy. Protein bar it was until dinner... frustrating.

I had a dinner meeting with the team for the After School Enrichment Program. We went to the new Natural Cafe, which I was contemplating managing. It was divine, but there's no way I could have survived on that salary and those hours. This much I know.

So I drove myself home, cuddled up on the couch with both dogs and fell asleep... at 9pm. Ryan came home at 11pm surprisingly enough. I thought he was still in Jersey, but apparently he's been in what Sheila calls 'the armpit of California' or Fresno. I guess they have a big need for solar in those armpit cities?

Now it's 1am, and I'm contemplating what to do with my day tomorrow. I'd like to make it to my first bikram class at 10am, but not sure if that's a possibility... we'll see how much sleep I need, eh?

I saw The Musician today. I felt it before I saw him, in fact I was expecting it. He walked by the fitness office and gave me a look, just merely a look of recognition and then walked away. Kind of symbolic. I just hope he is happy in life. One of the trainers today asked if I was 'on the market' or not. I hesitated but admitted that yes, I am single... but weary. It takes a lot for me to trust and really care, and it's going to take even longer next time. Is this why so many people end up forever single, just building bitterness from past relationships?

I am proud of myself for my choices lately. I'm really taking care of myself; I'm trying to get as much sleep as possible, daily exercise of some form and good nutrients. I'm doing just fine by myself, but I do miss being in love.

I've been listening to Dr. Rob Gilbert every morning. He leaves a message recording on his answering machine. He's a professor on the east coast, and is just brilliant and inspiring. He adds stories to each lesson, and the lessons really do stick and continue to inspire. Today, he said he has the secret to life in six words, of which he added two more after the ice skating finals:

When you fall down, get up... and smile.

If you're interested, his number is: 973-743-4690... call it.

Oh, done at Avila for good. I fell when teaching on Thursday. I was so exhausted I could no longer lift my legs... apparently. I told my old boss, that was it... no mas.

And finally my Los Osos sky; a peaceful space:

Bird Watchers

So a lot is going on... but what I am compelled to write about most is my run yesterday.

I have been pretty tired due to work at Kennedy at least once/day, watching Tristam about every other day, and working on this after school program... on top of which trying to build clients.

I decided yesterday that before I went back to Kennedy, after observing a Healthy Kids lesson, I would run. Ira stopped by for a minute which motivated me to stop half-napping on the couch and get off my bum.

I ran down to the bay, dogs on leashes... Luna and Tay together are capable of chaos off leash. We got down to the water, and I was so tired of Luna pulling that I let them off. As soon as the sand was in sight, she was gone. Tay loyally followed and they both pretended I wasn't calling them back. Funny joke guys.

So I let them run. Nobody was on the beach, and I'm sure none of the locals would have cared. I found my regular spot to stretch, breathe, zone out, and hung out there for about 10 mins.

Then, as I'm walking back to leave the beach, I decide it might be a good idea to do a headstand. A way of getting the blood back into my core. I found a nice spot to do so in the sand, threw down the leashes to prepare... but was startled by what I saw. It was a man in camoflage (did I spell that right?) with a lense that was damn near 1 1/2 feet long! What the hell!

When I saw the lense, I appologized for scaring the birds away, but he said not to worry because he'd gotten some great action shots. So I left, no headstand... frankly a bit freaked out. He was fully behind a bush. Why wouldn't he at least make himself known to me, a human being 10 feet away!?

So, for all you birders out there... don't cross over to the creepy side of the sport. Make sure that you remember the fact that you don't have feathers, you can't fly, and you don't spit up food to feed your children.

The Mondays

It's Monday night. My mom and Larry are in Belize, and have been since Thursday. It's a bit weird I must say. I know they are well and enjoying a vacation, but to not talk to them on a regular basis is odd.

Today was a crazy day. I woke at 5am, made it to Kennedy for a client at 6, and one at 7. Then 3 hours on the floor picking up after people and reracking weights. I rushed home to throw the ball for the dogs b/c I thought nobody was home. When I got here I suddenly remembered that it's President's Day and both my roommies were home doing nothing. Hmmph.

So I played ball, ate, and drove to Karla's to put in some hours developing the After School Program. Devin came home and motivated us to go to the gym. We went, and then picked up Tristam (two-year-old I watch) at Becky's friend's house. Picked up a pizza, back to Yukie and Karla's for crafts. Afterwards back to Becky's in Shell, then home to Los Osos.

The day wouldn't have been so long and tiresome if I'd had more sleep and if all of my destinations weren't so far apart. Work and home are 20 mins, Shell Beach and home are 30 mins.

Anyway, enough complaining about my day. The job is good, but I still have so many other things keeping me busy and taking time away from putting in work at Kennedy. I need to financially be able to just train. Once these internship hours are done life will be a lot less stressful.

I've come to terms with The Musician being gone, but still am not over it. Maybe it's the rejection, perhaps it's that I couldn't have just what I wanted. Maybe it's that I knew it was a strong connection. Either or any way, it's done... nothing that I say or do will change that, it can only make me a weaker character, in my eyes at least. I need more time to settle it in my head before moving on to someone else. Someone else is ready to move forward with me, but my view is tainted for a while. It's going to be a tricky situation to escape unscathed.

I know, like my grandma says, "everything is as it should be."

And I still don't like the song, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with..." It's bullshit. Be with the one you love. Don't settle.

It's now almost 8:30pm, and I will most likely be asleep within 5 mins. I love going to bed early. It's such a way of honoring thyself and the essential need for sleep :)

Same Sex Hand Holding Day

Today is Valentine's Day... the Hallmark holiday from hell, or what Karla calls 'same sex hand holding day.' I'm not entirely sure why she calls it that, but it sounds much better than the dreaded V word.

The day started off well, with just one client in the morning followed by a killer workout. It's hard for me to exercise at Kennedy without making a scene because a lot of what I do is yoga based with challenging balance and flexibility moves. The good news is that I have my ipod back, and I tuned out of the Kennedy zone and into my own world. My boss was near by and proposed to me after a series of backbends. It was a good laugh. I could have worked out for hours. In fact, I think I'm going to go back later and work out again... or perhaps run or swim.

Although I know that today is a bullshit holiday, it still sucks being alone. As Ben Harper says, 'with so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?' It's too easy to dwell on those relationships that fizzled out before their time, or memories of being in love. My overactive brain is not liking this holiday!

So the energy of the day is being spent on me and my own body. Their was talk of going surfing, but I'm not really feeling like being with people. I'm setting off for a run... at least. I'll see what the vibe is from there. The sun is out at least, probably in the 70's. I am so spoiled here.

Devin is supposed to know where he's living in the next few hours. Last I heard it's between Geneva, Italy or Switzerland. Deep breaths. That's one rock in my life I don't know if I'll ever be ready to lose.

With unfolded laundry on my bed, pictures waiting to be matted on my table, dishes in the sink and a sleeping dog, I'm going against the odds and running away, literally. And the best part is, I'm not thinking twice about it.

Mountains

I just hiked up Bishop's Peak, which is the first mountain you could see in the picture of the Seven Sisters. It was so beautiful, air so clean, people stoked on life. I worked on a few more pictures today... the first one, is of my mom and sister taking a stretch break on the way home from Tahoe during Christmas. Then we have a sunset reflection from the car, I love this one. And finally we have a picture of my neighbor Lonnie and his son Kai, a few nights ago, a few minutes prior to the swollen hand.


The layout of this blog, yes, is a little strange, but just go with it. I didn't feel like fixing it.

I enjoyed the daytime off today, hitting the gym at 6am for a resting metabolic and VO2 max test. I worked out for a few hours after, since I was already there... I had no excuses.

Now I have a few hours until Black Sheep, then a few more hours until watching baby Tristam. Then, rest hopefully.

The weather has been absolutely phenomenal. No complaints. I hiked in a tank top and shorts, in February!

I love California. But man is it expensive.

Full moon is coming. A few days away... just in time for Valentine's day. I've got me a date with my man Tay :)

Week of Fun

This week has been an interesting one for sure. My spirits are up, and I feel great, but I feel like a few things have gone wrong. First, I got sick the other night... I am thinking it was food poisoning, but whatever it was, I was puking for about 5 hours. Disgusting I know. I felt like I was on my death bed.

So one full day of recovery from that and I was going strong again. I went for my first dose of exercise last night, a sunset walk with my neighbor Lonnie. He took his son Kai in the baby jogger as well. I noticed when we were in the Elfin Forest that my finger started to swell. I didn't see a bug or spider, so I just thought maybe my joints were swelling?

The swelling got progressively worse for the next 4 hours. Pretty soon my hand was twice it's size too. I took an antihistamine, but no difference. I finally decided at 9pm to take myself in to see if I needed a shot or something. Honestly I just wanted peace of mind... to know that I could sleep and wake up again. Paranoia, I know.

Anyway, Lonnie offered to take me in to the ER (the only place open). We were in and out within an hour. They basically said to watch it, gave me a prescription for an antibiotic if it got worse, and sent me home. I felt like a wimp, but Lonnie emphasized that it is better to know than not to know. Fifty bucks later anyway.

Today, I almost overslept for my morning obligations... a client at Kennedy and my class at Avila. I didn't sleep very well. I talked to The Musician for a good hour, which was nice, but still sucks. I am happy for him that he is finding peace or love with his ex... but frustrated.

So now, my throat hurts and I passed out on the couch for a long nap, skipping work I really needed to get done. Deep breaths. Finger is still throbbing.

I have to prep for a VO2 max test I'm taking in the morning for a coworker. That means fasting, or for hypoglycemics like myself... disaster. I will make it.

My spirit is high, but what a week!

Inspiring Web

Life is busy again... and I like my job. I worked 12 hours today at Kennedy... Saturday I worked at Kennedy 2-7pm, then at Black Sheep9:30-2am, slept from 3-6:30am and then watched baby Tristam until 12:30pm. I napped through the 1st half of the Super Bowl. My throat is starting to become really sore, I think due to all the work combined with the lack of sleep.

The environment at Kennedy is pretty cool. The members are a mix of all ages, all builds, all attitudes. The trainers who I work with are so inspiring... I have known over half of them for a number of years via Cal Poly, and even the ones I'm just meeting are great.

It is really a team effort there, the trainers not only inspire others, but we inspire each other. This is the support system Avila lacked. I'm stoked on the opportunity... and I'm going to run with it, learn as much as I can from my co-workers, and help to empower others.

The only downside is running into The Musician frequently... not because he's a bad guy, or I don't like his presence, but rather that I miss his company. But, If that's the most of my troubles right now, I am A-OK.

Alive Again

I feel rejuvenated. I hitched a ride home with Ray this weekend... for some much needed home-time. On Sunday, my mom and I ran up at Santa Teresa Park for at least an hour... then we drove to the gym and went for a spa soak and a 30 minute swim. I felt alive again.

Sunday was Chinese New Year. We are embarking upon the year of the dog--me! I called one of my favorite healers for some massage/energy work. He showed up late, as always, but worked for at least 3 hours. He found that my Iodine levels were off, my left leg distributing weight unevenly, the radial nerves in my arms blocked... and so much more.

I have been in touch with my body for a long time, and for someone to justify all of the pain and imbalance feels so good. Now I have new goals and new things to focus on. He told me he needed to work on me again, so came back yesterday for another hour and a half. I feel like a new person.

The most impactful thing he told me was that I was holding about 15 lbs of extra water weight! I had gotten on the scale a few days before and was freaking out at the number... I knew I had been better to myself than that. Come to find out... it's birth control pills again. It seems the imbalance in the estrogen and progesterone in the pills I have been taking have caused hypothyroidism... a slower metabolism, and water retention. Whew! I stopped taking them that day. It's not worth it... and I knew something was seriously off. I've been exhausted.

Anyway, today I go in to Kennedy to train with a few different people. Once I get my system locked in, it's go time. I have tons of ideas... and it seems that this business can be very profittable. Who knew?

The Yoga Thing

Writing has always been second nature to me, from the time I started writing in my lock-and-key journal. Lately, I've noticed that I can't write, or I'm lacking the passion or motivation to write inspiring things.

I always think about personal wellbeing, but have not been experiencing it in myself in full. I've been lazy, watched too much television... been distracted, and at times intoxicated. While that all has been a great time in itself, it's time to pick myself back up again. I'm not one of those people who likes to tell others what to do but omits the advice myself.

I've learned a lot about motivation. It is very hard to stay motivated for one main reason... we don't believe in ourselves or our powers to achieve. I'm still one of the lucky ones who has loving parents, friends and a sister who support me in my decisions and believe in me. I can't imagine a world without the support team I've acquired, but even with them, it's hard to believe in my own worth.

Remembering back to last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I could not wait to reach the finish line so I could focus on yoga, and yoga only. I went through the motions of training just to get to the yoga. I read yoga books wherever I went, and practiced at least a few times a week. I know it's one thing that makes me feel sane and balanced, hence the name of my blog, but getting myself to commit to a regular practice is nearly impossible. But why? It feels great, calms my nerves, helps my alignment, and so much more.

My commitment to myself is to do more yoga. I have access to many free yoga classes at Kennedy now, and the schedules to the best places to practice. The intention is there, and now is time for the follow through. I believe in me, in my strength as a person, an athlete and once again a yogi... or is it yogini?

To new commitments.

Another peaceful picture for thought:
It was the day Mira and I ran to the top of Madonna at sunrise. The mountain range leads to the sea. They are called the Seven Sisters, and this day they were blanketed in clouds :)

Tuesday

I put my notice in at Avila today. It felt amazing.

Tonight I went to sushi with The Other Jenna. It had been a long time since I'd seen her, and it was good to catch up. Her dedication to yoga makes me miss the times when I had a regular practice. It is so good for the mind, the body, and the soul... I don't know how I've looked away for so long.

Joe called today just to see how I was. I suspected that he was having relationship troubles, or needed advice, but as the conversation progressed, I saw that he truely wanted to see how I was. It warmed my heart. I ran into his girlfriend the other night and shared a few laughs... it feels good be peaceful with that situation.

I don't realize how many people actually read what I've written until I get emails or phone calls about something. I know the past short while has been a struggle for me to see clearly; I've been more lost post-grad than I ever was in school. I am totally appreciative of the support I receive in my life... financial, emotional, all of it. I wouldn't/couldn't be the same person without it.

Jumbled Jobs

I've been trying to find my way in the dark as of late. I feel like I've been trying to do everything all at once... which has led to a spiraling out of control.

So I quit working at Giuseppe's... and I'm putting in my notice at Avila very soon... and I've picked up the back bar shifts at Black Sheep one or two nights/week from 9:30pm-2am... and a temporary nanny job... and got hired at the new Kennedy Club Fitness. Whew.

I can't help but laugh at my job status. Hopefully Kennedy will be all I need. The facility is beautiful! 50 meter pool, doctors and physical therapists on staff, massage therapists, basketball, squash, raquetball, sand volleyball, a spinning room, 3 group fitness rooms! It continues on... steam, sauna, and 6,000 members!

It is going to be a great challenge, but I'm hoping to establish myself there so that it can be my only job. I need the simplicity. I remember when it was first put in... I was upset because I used to run a 9 mile loop around that land. It was uninhabited for the most part except for a few cows. The building is quite the monstrosity... but from a fitness standpoint, there is no place around here that can offer what they can. I already know about half of the trainers... and they are good people. I'm stoked.

On that note, I feel like I'm starting a much more peaceful chapter... so here is a peaceful picture I took one night after riding my bike w/Tay down to the bay.

My intentions now are to find success in my field, in such a way that I enjoy life and not lose myself in the process... and to do more yoga!

Chopped Soup

It's obvious to me, and probably all of you who take the time to read this, that the confusion levels in my life are enormous. I feel like I'm a big pot of soup, complete with largely chopped education, stringy work experience, customer service skills, and right now a bitter sweet attitude. Of course I'm made of a soy-miso paste at heart, what else?

I picked up the back bar shifts at Black Sheep this weekend. I made a few bucks last night... actually more than I ever made at Giuseppe's. It felt comfortable... seeing all of my friends and co-workers again. But, I feel the itching urge to walk away from everything work related in life. I'm tired of having 2-3 jobs... of not being insured... of not knowing exactly how I'm going to pay rent.

I hung out with Rogina last night before work. She finally found her own apartment, and her freedom. It was so cool to witness; she's come a long way. Anyway, we decided to get some dinner before I went in to B.S. at 9:30. We stumbled upon Farmer's Market, where to my erie surprise, I started to hear The Musician's voice echoing around town. Of course he was playing... of course! Why wouldn't he be?

I tried to escape by going into Grappalo for some chianti. Soon enough, it was time to find food and go to work. I heard The Musician everywhere I went in town, and had a hard time tuning it out. He sounded great... and I can't even be bitter. He's going back to his love... who am I to stand in the way?

The time has come for something solid to stand on. I need a foundation on which to live and survive. I never understood why people would want full time jobs... isn't the flexible schedule and unkept hours a thrill? Why would anyone want to work 8-5?

So, now is the time to figure my shit out. The job hunt begins... something new, something fresh, something in my field of interest, something that can allow me to sleep at night. I want no more jambalaya or chopped soup.

I shouldn't have much trouble finding work, but I want something to stick. No more jumping around for work, and hopefully no more driving.

I can do it. If I've learned anything in life, I know that I can do it. I just need to figure out what first, and then make it happen. Simple as that. And, no more musicians.

New Day

Like Nina Simone says,

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... for me... and I'm feelin' good!"

I woke up this morning with the intention that today was a new day. Today was whatever I wanted it to be. I made a nutritious shake and headed to the Avila Bay Club to workout. No clients today, but I needed some motivation. I did an hour of cardio, stretched, ab work, stretched, balanced... I did whatever I needed. It was great.

I am motivated again to make my life positive and to find success. I know that some of the influential people in my life need to be swapped with better quality souls.

I then met Ray for some sushi, and ran home to shower. I need to leave for Giuseppe's in an hour, and have a lot to study for my server test. Off I go...

Sharks

I am back at my Nia classes and it feels great. The holidays are finally over, and I've found somewhat of a routine. The problem lies once again with my work.

My current dilemma: do I quit restaurants all together, avoiding the time commitment and energy towards a new job... thus becoming a full-time trainer? Giuseppe's has NOT been what I've wanted it to be. I've not had any serving shifts yet, which means very little money. I was hired to serve, but since they trained most of their other servers for 3 weeks prior to my arrival, I'm way behind. They've given me about 1-2 shifts per week, mostly training shifts. This is not worth it to me, at all.

I was expediting food for a few shifts, but that is no more... I sold a lamb shank as a veal chop and The Bitch told chef she wanted my shift. I don't know why I thought I knew what a veal chop or lamb shank looked like anyway.

So, I have 1 training shift on Sunday and 1 serving shift the following Sunday. I have 2 days to decide if I want to quit. I'm leaning towards yes. I turned down some good work for these people, and they don't know how to see potential, or communicate for that matter. I'm over it.

The musician has once again disappeared. I'm over that too... not going to wait for his ebb and flow, although it is his birthday tomorrow. It's always the Capricorns.

So tonight, I'm staying in... away from the drama of downtown. My roommate Chris and I are going to rent a movie, we're hoping about sharks :)

I just wish money wasn't always the issue.

Deep breaths.

The Sculpted Lifespan

Yesterday was a good day. Ray came over to play... we went for a run in the pouring rain, ran a few stair intervals at the bay, came home and sat in the spa. The weather was crazy to say the least. It was cool to sit in my studio and watch the weather.

We went and got some tacos, then came back and read about Tao, Indian Luck, Women's Health, and listened to a little Bob. I got ready for work, and Ray went home.

I always have moments of clarity when I run. This time, it was when Ray commented about his age... he jokes a bit about being older. I kept telling him that your lifespan is what you make of it. It stuck.

We have one life in this body. How we treat it and nourish it determines how long it lasts... disregarding genetic predisposition. But even then, a healthier body reacts less to predisposed illness. Anyway, it got me thinking about how people live their lives.

Joe always said he didn't want to live a long time... I always assumed to be that dramatic artist. So maybe people consciously or unconsciously determine their lifespan early on? Who knows?

Perhaps I'll examine it further at a later time... or not.

Lacking Words

New Year's went out with a bang. I first went to dinner with Betsy at the old Giuseppe's. We sat, drank, heckled her son a little, and parted ways. I was contemplating between going home and going downtown.

A good part of me wanted to hide on account of last year and the events that occured. I made sure the ex was out of town this time. The other part of me was tired of being a hermit crab and needed a little social interaction. I met up with Vic (Ray's roommate) at about 8pm. We walked downtown to Black Sheep where I had one drink, and switched to water.

There were tons of people there to hang out with... and it was a good time for a while, but I had NO intentions of being there at midnight. I have always felt a little hunted in that place... maybe because I was a single waitress, who occasionally hung out after hours. Anyway, the vulturous stares got old fast.

As I was about to leave, I saw the Musician waiting in line outside. I went out, said hello, and came back inside. I talked to him for a few, then informed him of my escape. I don't think he believed that I would leave, alone, on this holiday. Well, I did... after I was stopped a handful of times on my way out.

I was sober at this point. It had been 5ish hours since I'd had a drink. I walked to Ray & Vic's where I took a brief nap, and ventured home. I called the Musician just to see if he needed a ride home... he did.

We had a good night, with an unexpected turn of events of course. It seems his ex has come back to him full force. He sits now in contemplation; back to the ex or on to the new? I was as supportive as I could be, given the situation. I remember, just a year ago, being in the same boat with Joe.

Perhaps it's karma? Perhaps it wasn't meant to be? Perhaps he won't go back to her? Whatever the outcome, it isn't about me. It's about him. My toughest trial will be to not personalize the outcome. It's hard to watch the first guy in a long time that I've cared about slip away... if indeed that's what he's doing.

So now, I have no words. I have nothing further to say... it's time to turn my energy inward until I hear the chilling verdict. I'll be ok, either way.

Fluke

I woke up early again today to make it to Avila... I usually don't work on Fridays, but made an exception for a client. I called yesterday to confirm, left a message... a no show today. So, I took the time to stretch and do some yoga on the bosu. I left at 10 for my 10:15 Nia class. I haven't been in a few weeks, and so wanted to dance... cancelled. So, I called Ray; we were supposed to have lunch... phone was off.

I was getting pretty low blood sugar, but decided to make it to the World Market because Ray wasn't expecting me until later. I shopped, light headed... the phone was still off. I called his roommate Vic, who told me Ray was throwing up and hung over, phone died. So I got some lunch and went over to work on Vic's achilles tendon. I hung out there for a few hours, with the occasional entertaining visitor.

There was no reason to get up today... today was a fluke. I'm over it. I'm done with bullshit altogether, including my own. I'm hiding for New Years.

So for now, I will keep burning my 'protection' candle to sheild negative influences, and hope that I can stay clear of trouble.

To Wander

I got ready for Giuseppe's... made it downtown, purchased a new wine opener and server book... I got there, and they weren't expecting me. Hmm. Ok. I decided I needed a night off anyway.

So here I am, trying to keep myself from driving me crazy. There is so much indecision... so much confusion. I'm broke... educated, but broke. I'm not sure how to feel, what to do, where to be, how to live...

I suppose this is what life is all about. I've decided to hide for New Years. Last year was too much.

I'm happy and stable in life, but lost and empty. I guess I'm the walking contradiction I've thought myself to be for so long.

One of the biggest voids in my life is the disappearance of one of my best friends, Kristen. She moved to Utah, and for whatever reason couldn't keep in contact with me anymore. Something about it got too painful. She was my other half for so long... we lived together for 4 years... and now she's gone. This was the first birthday in 5 years I haven't celebrated with her... it's weird. I miss her so much, but understand why she needed to run away for a while. I just hope I find her again.

Almost a New Moon

Today is Thursday. I drove home (Los Osos) from San Jose last night. After 3 days of snowboarding, a back-to-back total body sculpt and yoga class, I was exhausted. Christmas was great. I got to spend time with my family and had 2 days of powder... all I could ever need.

I woke up before the sun this morning to make it to Avila, just in time to see the last moon of the month... as a little sliver in the sky. I hope that tomorrow's new moon will bring new beginnings. The musician's still lost, as we all are, and I'm becoming tired of his uncertainty. Not that I want a definite yes/no decision... in fact that may freak me out more... but to know if he's going to stick around or not would be nice. I guess I'll know soon enough. I'm not used to this position... I'm more frequently the one running away.

I have thirty minutes until I have to get ready for Giuseppe's. I don't even have a set schedule yet... and I'm still training, which means I'm not making tips. I miss the money at Black Sheep... and it was so easy. I'm considering taking a few shifts a week bartending in addition to Giuseppe's and Avila. I'm just not making enough to cut it, much less shop or travel. It's frustrating, I feel like I'm working so hard.

Anyway, off to clean up the house a bit more before cleaning up after people dining out.

I wonder how much will be too much? I just keep trying to sing...

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life... and I'm feelin' good."

Pre-Christmas

I've been at the Avila Bay Club for almost two years. I've seen many people come and go, quitly and with a stir. Some I miss, some I don't, but the club has been better for it all.

Yesterday was the day of many clients/class. I started off my day with Jim, one of my faithful clients. I always work out with him. Next, I taught my 'Core Training' class. I've gotten a handful of regulars... we laughed, hula hooped... it was a great time. I was feeling guilty that I hadn't worked out in quite some time, so I decided to take Karen's weight 'Total Body Training' class. She kicked my ass as usual. Needless to say, after those three hours, I was worked!

So the day wandered on. I made Christmas Cards for those I needed to see last night. Some of my coworkers at Avila saw some of my work, and asked me to have an art show at the club... and sell them! That was pretty exciting.

I had lunch with Betsy, right on the cliffs in Shell Beach. The waves were huge! We were guessing at least 10 feet. Pretty amazing view at Silver Shoals.

I ended my night with a mending of a relationship that really needed mending... and here I sit today, packing up my things to snowboard!!! Finally, a little snow!!!

Must... keep... packing.

Holidays

I sit here, feet swollen, tired... planning out my next two days. I've been working at Giuseppe's from about 4-11pm every day this week. Getting home late, then up early is exhausting.

I'm so excited to snowboard, and more importantly see my family. I miss them... their support... and thier company.

Tomorrow is a busy day, with 5 clients, one class, dinner plans and packing for the trip. I still haven't put everything I'd wanted to together for Christmas. I know that those who know me well, know I am always/usually late on gifts.

I hope that these jobs get easier and I find my rhythm eventually. Until then, I may be a little cranky and sleep in when I'm not supposed to. Change is inevitable, change is good, but change is mentally and physically taxing.

Horsing Around

Too much computer screen time makes my head ache. I'm spending an incredible amount of time in front of the computer now that music and photos are on screen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I did however get in a little Riverdance this morning, which really just consisted of me dancing around my studio to the soundtrack, but enough to stoke my soul a little.

I'm discovering how dance and play can be incorporated into elongating the spine...

Winter's chill is ever prevalent, and it's hard to keep my body moving. None the less, I feel good. I finally have some time off before the other jobs are starting...

Someone whose picture continues to make me smile:

The Moon Cloud

I was born on a full moon. For as long as I can remember, moons have made me crazy... but I'm aware of it.

Each full moon brings a different level of confusion. Sometimes, they define meaning of an aspect in my life, bring about a culmination to a situation; they generally climax any plot going on in my life.

This moon is no different. It's not even full yet, tomorrow is the day, but I'm already crazy. Dwelling over passed loves, dwelling on where I've been, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm not... dwelling in general.

The best thing for me to do in this state is walk away. I'm strong in who I am and the path I'm on in life. I know everything is OK, but this big ball of light is pulling all the emotion from my soul and wrapping it around my mind.

I'm tired of it... when it comes to the moon, is ignorance really bliss?

A Look Into the Future

Like the translucent quality of water,

my life has finally found clarity.

There are new journeys here to embark upon,

and many leaps to be made.

It's freedom time.

Ahhhhshtanga

Yesterday was a hard day. After Nia, I dognapped Tay and drove to the ocean. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and why, but I knew the sound of the ocean would make everything right.

I felt pretty good last night after dancing, but I know there has been something missing in my life.

I've always known my body needs yoga. My hips are chronically stuck in positions not used in running, and my breath is sometimes short and shallow. After last year's Wildflower Triathlon, I proclaimed my retirement from triathlon and thought I'd just do yoga. It lasted for a while.

I received an email from my old Ashtanga teacher yesterday. I went to her class as religiously as I could, and valued her guidance. She moved to L.A. in July, and I fell out of my practice. Granted it was only about 2-3 times per week, but it was something.

Today I came back to the Primary Series, and oh did it feel good again. It was the first time that it really felt like MY practice. I modified where I needed to modify, and focused on the body parts I knew needed the extra stretch.

My headstand was less than graceful, and I didn't attempt dropbacks, but it felt great. I found my bandhas, and continued to check in with them in each pose. I wonder if I will get to a point where this practice can be a part of daily life?

All I know is that I needed it... and it felt great. It had been too long. I've nearly forgotten everything I'd worried about hours before.

In Hopes of Clarity

This past week has been stressful. Ever since I decided that it was time for a new job, my mind has been a bit confused.

I dropped off two resumes, I got two interviews. I scheduled them 45 minutes apart, both downtown.

The first one was at the new Giuseppe's. The new location is beautiful, right in the heart of downtown SLO. It's going to be amazing. This job I really want. The second interview was at the Library (strictly a bar) in which I'd be bartending. Now the potential for money making is exponential if I am a skilled bartender in SLO, but it's not the classiest place to work in all honesty.

As my blood sugar continued to drop, (I hadn't planned on both interviews, but was actually downtown for lunch plans) I ran to pluck Ray out of the bar he'd been killing time in and dashed for food. With a few minutes to eat, I drove to Avila for a witty 12 year old client and the staff Christmas party. I hung out for a while, but I was the first person there, and in my daily atire. I left when they started the train around the room. I was too exhausted.

I arrived home to a phone message. The night before I ate at Big Sky Cafe for Venessa's birthday, where I'd worked for a couple of years previously. I had dabbled with the idea of managing over there, or at the Natural Cafe, but it seemed I'd be working more hours for less pay. Chris called me to offer me a serving position. I told her I'd interviewed at Giuseppe's, and she told me she wouldn't let me come back to Big Sky if I was offered a job at Giuseppe's. Very cool of her.

So as my brain was being jumbled around yesterday, waiting for calls back, I got another call. It was an athletic club in Pismo Beach (farther from my house than Avila) wanting to hire me based on reputation.

I will also soon be starting work with Yukie and Karla again, to fulfull my internship hours for Cal Poly.

So confused. There are so many things I want to explore, but they are all preceded by a throbbing headache. I wish there were more hours in the week.

Today I hope for clarity. At least the weather is beautiful :)

Chilly Winds

I love Winter. Let me rephrase: I love snowboarding, but in order to snowboard we need snow. As much as I resent the cold for stiffening up my body, I love its expression of white powder.

Winter is always an emotional time for me. There's the birthday month, where just too many people can find me... and the dangerous driving conditions.

But, it's also a time of beauty. The natural landscape changes almost daily and is revived by the rainfall.

Los Osos is cold! I'm frozen until the second before I fall asleep to the hum of my little space heater, and frozen again once I step foot on the tile floors.

If there only was a way to transport myself from the spa to warmth again, without the 15 foot dash of cold up my back...

Ok, so I understand that this is California... but for me, it's cold!

Turkey Time

The Other Jenna calls herself a Jennatarian. She eats meat when she feels she needs to, or not to cause a scene at the inlaws... but for the most part only eats fish. It's this kind of attitude I've migrated towards. Doing for my body, what my body needs.

This is the first year in 12 years that I've eaten the turkey on Thanksgiving. It's easily avoidable in my household because the turkey is the only dish which has meat in it. Everything else is made mostly vegan, low fat, high fiber, organic, top quality wholesome goodness. The turkey isn't even allowed to be cooked in my parent's house.

I hesitated months ago when I was told by a nutritionist that my body needed meat. I had perfected absorbable supplementation and dark leafy greens. I didn't understand how it was different. She explained to me that my blood type and my heritage had more to do with my body's reaction to meat than I thought.

So, a bite of tri tip here, a bite of chicken there... over a period of about 3 months, I started sampling meat. I even ate a piece of fillet! It began as a reason to overcome my fears. I know overconsumption is related to all kinds of dis-ease.

Everyone is in shock. Especially all the vegetarian friends and family members who haven't made the switch back. Everyone else is congratulating me on the switch... like now it makes me a normal person or something.

I don't know if I'll eat meat forever... and I'm learning very quickly about quality, how it's prepared, stored, etc.

I want to have the capability to cook it if I want to, and not necessarily eat it.

My energy levels are higher. I feel more alive... maybe because I'm putting something in that once was breathing. Eww. I know the ethical issues will get my mind again. The way I see it, I put in 12 sacrificial years... now is my time to consume a little quality, hormone free meat.

I know in a few months I'll read 'Diet for a New America' another time and be vegetarian once again.

The hardest part about diets is the judgement of others. I encourage anyone who took the time to read this, as Bob Marley says, 'judge not, until you judge yourself.'

Everyone consumes what they need to, whether it be emotionally/physically/mentally... it's individual, and it's what makes us unique and alive. So cheers to your veal, vegan tofu cheesecake, vegetables and all.

Roll

Today was a good day. I woke up at about 6, dreadfully early for work. I made it to Avila a few minutes after my client Jim. He drinks his decaf coffee early and is ready to work when I arrive. We started in on our new and improved routine. His body had surely adapted to the old one, although I modified it every now and again... it has been over a year of working with him now. I always work out with him, with the exception of when I'm correcting his form. Total body strength workout... awesome.

Next I had Margy, one of my newer clients, who is a physical therapist. Working out with her is a great workout for myself. Last session we did an entire hour on the agility ladder. For those new to agility drills, you are basically sprinting the entire time, trying to move faster and faster. This session I set up a circuit. I laid out the ladder, set up a step, some bosus to jump back and forth between, power crunches with medicine ball and trampoline, and a jump rope. We did each exercise in the circuit for a minute. One of my fellow trainers Dee joined in. The three of us ran around the cardio room hooting and hollering for a good hour, then joined together to brainstorm ideas about a coworker's injury. Good times. One more client, and I was out the door.

I went home and crashed hard. I was so tired. I woke up a few hours later and walked down to the bay with my injured Tay. He was grateful. I made it home in time for a little Oprah on the Tivo. I cried for a good 20 minutes. Such a sad story today.

I made it to Nia with a few minutes to spare, but Derek and I were the only two there besides Amy. We contemplated whether or not to have class for a few minutes, then Tawney and her friend Fran walked in. Nia with the five of us was phenomenal. Luckily we all have strong energy and were willing to share. It was a great time. It was just the uplifting I needed after working on others all day. Dancing really lifts my spirits.

Gauze Pads

The ocean is loud tonight. The stars are glowing bright, without the tiresome distraction of street lights. I love my home.

Amy came to visit this weekend. It was delightful to get to spend some time with her... it's been so long since we've both had a free weekend. It's so easy to hang out with someone who knows me so well.

She brought her labs Tierra and Guiness. Last time they were here, Tay and Tierra had a few battles but nothing serious. This time Tierra cornered Tay on the front porch, and when I came looking for him, she attacked... pretty sure there was a ball involved. He fought back, but she broke skin in two places on his head. Poor bubba.

Today Mira and I hiked around in the Laguna Lake/ Mt. Madonna area with a wounded Tay. Amy helped me to wrap his head in gauze (this would have been a great Halloween costume for him) before her trek home. We didn't have time to make it to the top, but found a beautiful view of the sunset from Shell Beach to Morro Bay. The sky turned pink over Avila... bright pink. Then the light faded into a yellow, then an orange over Los Osos. The clouds were pushed ever so gently by the wind and created a whispy feel. We hiked down and felt the cool air fill the valley. I left my camera in the car :(

Life is good. Things are moving and growing. My new space here is great, and only getting better. With each day comes a new level of organization and light. Soon it will be routine.

I was thinking back yesterday on what my goals used to be in life. To get a college degree, have returning personal training clients, to print my own photography... turns out I've created my dream. And it just all keeps falling into place... with the best of intentions.

New Studio, New Path

Moving stinks. I feel that the last two weeks have been lacking routine in a very unsettling way.

Finally, it's starting to feel like home. No, not every piece of clothing has a home yet, and a furniture shuffle is still in process... but my mind is starting to settle.

I'm hoping with this new beautiful studio, I will start a new chapter of my life. One that includes peace, joy, play and love. The energy in the studio is thriving and waiting to be used.

I've never managed finances well. This will change... but for the time being, I'm hiring an accountant. Enough is enough. I lose my head in financial matters. Haven't found that balance.

I've acquired a lot of information about fitness/personal training/nutrition that I can't wait to share. But... it will take me a while to organize it in a presentable way. Soon.

Each year of life I discover new things. Lately, I've learned that life is a dance. A game. A beautiful expression of self in a way that creates magnificent reflections. This is how we know we are alive.

Vegas Baby!

This weekend was my first trip to Vegas. I expected the usual... drinks, partying, skimpy clothes, but I was attending a conference. I decided before I went that I would find a balance in myself this weekend.

I am a highly sensitive person; lights, sounds, smoke, and any other stimulus can easily overwhelm me. Over the past few years, I have learned to find an inner balance and allow the outside world to be separate from my head. It worked. I wasn't overwhelmed at all, besides the driving and car activities, I kept a level head.

The city was beautiful. Of course it's a little freakish how the building resemble a grown up disney land, but watching the light change on the city, in coordination with the moon, was surreal.

I actually attended the conference (for the most part) and got a lot out of it. I'll write more about it in my next newsletter, but overall the speakers were very informative and professional.

And the test... we'll see in a few weeks when I get my results back. I'm feeling good about it.

One of my favorite clients, Betsy was ironically in Vegas at the same time with her family at the same hotel. Well, I was at the Mandalay Bay and she was at the 4 Seasons which ajoined. She happened to have an extra ticket to 'O' which is a water version of Cirque de Soleit. Amazing. The stage was water in the center, walkways on the sides, but it changed into solid stage in three sections at different moments during the show. I was perplexed at the ability of their spines to hyperextend. Based anatomically, I thought it to be impossible. Apparently these amazing bodies are trained from very young ages, and their fate as contortionists is predetermined. My dream of being in the show... shot down. Thanks mom :)

Ten to Midnight

It seems I never write anymore. I love to write. I love to create in general, but being a perfectionist, I don't want to write about just anything. Tonight, I write about nothing. Forgive my scatteredness.

I moved into a new studio last weekend. It's been about a week and a half of constant work and moving of things. The studio was beautiful, but needed a little paint and some good juju. Although it's only about 20 feet from my old room, it is a world away. I needed my own space.

What I'm creating is a living space/working space. A place where I can invite people in to heal... whether it be to train their bodies, be massaged, enjoy aromatherapy, herbal therapy, or a combination of all that I know and love. It's my opportunity to share a beautiful space with those who could benefit from one.

So the first few days I freaked out. There was no order to anything. I was living out of piles on the floor, couldn't tell what was dirty or clean... it was chaos. After about 5 loads of laundry (I washed everything ambiguous) my piles are all clean. Things are shaping up here, but it's slow moving.

My body is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted... and in one day... I leave for Las Vegas. What a trip that's going to be. I'm going for an ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) conference and examination, and a little play time.

It has been the constant lifting, painting, bending and all of the weird movements I've done in the last few weeks that has made me feel imbalanced to say the least. I did workout this morning with Jim, ran with Mira this afternoon and went to Nia this evening... but still feel bloated and off balance. I know once my world slows down a little I will feel better, but with Vegas and the new studio, will my body ever see serenity again?